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RPG Classics Mailbag

We have returned with a mailbag that does not talk about features! W00t! But I have discovered one thing. About 80% of the people who write in to this mailbag should have their minds washed out with soap. O_o You guys are all perverts!


*washes Evil Cid's mind out with soap*

Oooh. I feel so... squeaky clean now.

With that in mind, let's start with Future Trunks.

Since I got this response by ICQing you before the mailbag was even released I'll probably be one of the first responses, eh? Let's see ... the funniest moment I ever had in an RPG is when Aeris died. I laughed my head off!! *notices the stunned people* Err... uh... just kidding...

Okay, but seriously my funniest moment was probably when Cloud dressed up like a girl in FF7, and if you dressed him well enough you had the chance to turn Don Corneo on (or play hard to get) I turned him on (Ooh that feels weird to say...), and was literally rolling watching him make those passes at me. It was great.

Hey, that means next week I don't have to send in two responses! Don't worry you guys. I'll send in two in two weeks! : P Well, see you around!!

~Future Trunks

P.S. I think you have enough exclamation points, so here's some at signs!


Ooh! At signs! Um... what am I supposed to do with these?

Hey, I can use a whole bunch of those!

Er, okay... go ahead. I sure as hell don't need 'em.

Yay! *logs on IRC*

Next up is Cless Alvein. No, not the one from Tales of Phantasia, though we'll be talking about him shortly, as you might have guessed.

Ok Cid, how many times do I have to mailbaggy you to become non-newbied?
*casts anti-Newbie on self*

I told you: 1337 times. Special deal just for you.

Anyway, funniest thing of my life that I say in a RPG... I'd have to say in ToP, when Mint and Arche are in a sauna, and Chester tries to peek over from the other side, and gets pummeled by a bucket expertly thrown by Arche. It's funny 'cause he deserved it. :D Now, listen up, because this will determine the course of your lif-

*Runs away for no apparent reason*

*makes a tick on a list* OK, one down. Here's d galloway.

I have many funny moments, but I can only share a few. Otherwise, Cid would kill me with horrid methods of speaking! AHHHHHH!!

I would kill you with speaking? O_o That'd be pretty tough. They only managed to do that in Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Oh, and FF Tactics.

Funny moment #1: The Leopardwoman scene (QFG3)
I don't know exactly how to trigger this event (it seems to happen at random), but sometimes, when you use the dispel potion to disenchant the Leopardman princess (forgot her name), the hero's eyes would pop out and his tongue would hang. Very funny.

Yeah I know...and anyone that played the game can take a wild guess why it happens.

Funny moment #2: Laughing at the final boss (most easy RPG's)
This is pretty basic. Beat a final boss (preferably a god-like one or a bragging lunatic), then laugh as they slowly die away, all the time saying "Some God you are! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"

That is all, bye!
*everyone goes to the bathroom*
d_Galloway: *steals surveilance tapes* Gotta go!!! *Runs to his hideout*

Heheheh, wait'll he puts those into his VCR, heheheh... KABOOM! Speaking of perverts, here's Drago's Nightmare. Remember kids, guilt trips will always get you into mailbags! Either that or they'll make me so mad I'll never print your stuff ever again.

Are you trying to confuse people?

Heaven forfend! Of course not!

Then why did you... just... my head hurts.

I think you need a lie down, you've been working real hard lately.

Only 'cause you were making me do janitorial duties!

I never said WHY you were working real hard, now did I? Ahem. Drago's Nightmare, yes?

Hey Cid,

Itz me Drago's Nightmare. I didn't get to see my entry on the last two mailbags so I hope this one goes through.

I know the funnest moment in an rpg was the Arch dreaming about Cless in Tales of Phantasia. That was funny and that was the first time I laughed in an rpg.

Another one is dat the time in Tales of Phantasia where Arch is commenting on the size of Mint's breasts at the Ninja Village. Those were the funniest moments in an rpg.

*makes another tick* Two down. Here's one by Diesel, remember Diesel?

Not particularly.

Well, whose fault is that?

It's nobody's fault. It's a physiological property that memory is only reserved long-term for things deemed important to remember later on.

And annoying commercial jingles that you wake up when you're 50 and still have them running through your head.

And those too.

My funniest RPG moment? Well let's see here now.....still thinking.....still thinking......hrmmmm....ok....wait.....ok got it. My funniest RPG moment came from MarioRPG, which is in my humble opinion one of the funniest games ever made. Its when Mario and Mallow decide to chase croco and they talk to the guard. The guard says he just saw him go by and then Mallow says "well why didnt you stop him?" The guard then replied "because I left my bazooka at home, sheesh!". Another funny part is when they battle Johhny and his shark minions toss the barrel at him, they say "What dare you dodge the barrel!" And...theres more! Ok I will stop now...sorry hehe

Mario RPG! O'course! 8D I thought the whole Booster Tower sequence was hilarious. We now have one by that dude with the fake British accent, Rabid Tauntaun.

Bwahahahahahaha!!! Isn't maniacal laughter great?






Enough with all the exclamation marks!!!!!

Tis I, the Rabid Tauntaun! Hmm. First, I shall address various minor issues. Thankee kindly, Mr. Cid, for my sticker. I saw the Terry P. quotes you put up, and some of them were quite amusing.

All of them were amusing! Blasphemer!

I realize that you seem to disapprove of writing in about previous topics, but I am going to do it anyway. As you are might perhaps remember, I incompetently sent my letter in too late last week, so I just copied most of it and stuck it in this one! Copying and pasting is cool. I know the topic was technically about what should be included in an RPG, but I have something related to it that is about what I don't want included. You could say that means that it is about something I want excluded from RPGs.

I suspect that I shall open myself to ridicule, but since the mailbag is ridiculous anyway...I do shall it. I wish that RPGs wouldn't include swearing and foul language. It offends me. Now, I am probably in an exceedingly small minority of what people will call religious fanatics or something, but nonetheless I think that swearing or cursing, or whatever you want to call it is wrong. Foul language ruins many otherwise good games for me, because I don't play games with it. So far as I can tell, cursing adds nothing to a game, so I don't see why people want it. If they think that cursing makes it more realistic, I would submit that the whole point of the game is fantasy. Hopefully I don't sound like total idiot saying this.

I sure hope not, because I've said it often enough myself. Cursing at certain moments certainly may make scenes flow better, but not if it's overused. I feel the same way about movies, too. 8p

Now I shall discuss this week's topic. I am too lazy to figure out what I think the funniest moment I have seen in an RPG is, so I will instead just tell what first comes to my mind when I think of humor in an RPG. When I think of humor in RPGs, the first thing that comes to mind is...Kefka! He provided excellent comedy relief throughout FF6.

Moving onward, why is it that everyone in this mailbag seems to hate Ozzie? He doesn't deserve to be so reviled and abused. After all, it isn't his fault that he is an ugly, green, evil, nasty monster person. The Chrono Trigger design people made him that way. People should go beat up someone else. In fact, I think I do it myself! Hmm. Well, I can't beat up Ozzie, because the whole point of this is to beat up someone besides Ozzie. I can't hurt Cidolfas, because he is cool. I can't attack Lucca either, because she is cool too. That leaves Lunaris and Evil Cid. This week is Lunaris turn to get beat up, assuming Cid cooperates. Come, Luny!

(freezes Lunaris' feet in ice so he can't flee)


(levitates all of his weapons away and drops them down a plot hole)

*fall thru the plot hole, screaming obscenities that could make a sailor blush*

(casts several spells which drop a loaf of bread, five old tires, two ceiling fans, a giant anvil, and shower of rose petals on Lunaris' head)

*...and jump back out of the plot hole, totaly unharmed. He point at his hair, big smile on his face*RPG HERO HAIR GEL! NEVER GO OUT WITHOUT IT!

And now, for my next trick, I shall make Luny disappear. Luny Luny Luny Lunaris, you are the weakest link. Goodbye!

(opens a plot hole under Luny, into which he drops)

*blinks and float above the plot hole, staying there* Your going to regret calling me Luny!

Ah. Wasn't that just splendid? By the way, what is the conncetion between saying, "eh," and Canada? Eh? No, I am not Canadian, but I do like saying eh, eh? I need to go now, so I guess I'll leave, eh? Isn't that brilliant?

Ta ta,
Rabid Tauntaun

You haven't heard the joke? Oh, wait, you gotta hear this!


And they wonder why people hate you. OK. Way back when, a bunch of hosers got together and wanted to start a country. But they couldn't figure out what to call it. So they started calling out letters at random. One guy said "How about a C, eh?" One guy said "How about an N, eh?" And a third guy said "How about a D, eh?" And that's how Canada got its name!


...Um, okay, so it wasn't that funny. How about this one: How do you get 200 drunken Canadians out of a pool?

I don't know, how do you get 200 drunken Canadians out of a pool?

You say, "Excuse me, could you please get out of the pool?" *breaks down in tears of laughter*

Okay, that one was a bit better.

Glad you approve. Here's one a bit more conventional, by DarkAni.

My favorite funny moment in an RPG was in Chrono Trigger, when Lucca gets drunk at the party Ayla throws, successfully peer-pressures Crono into drinking as well, and then after waking up in the morning, she doesn't remember what happened, but insists she was a perfect lady back at the party!

I *was*! I have NO idea what you're talking about!

Still in denial, eh?

Sorry, did you say something? 'Cause if you did I'd have to hurt you in inventive ways.

Nothing, nothing out of my mouth, nope, I'm just doing a mailbag, speaking of which, this one is from Rayman201! *phew*

Well, I would say the funniest moment is when you go to the credits at the title screen in the game "Summoner" for PlayStation 2 and after the credits it shows a cinema that's funny as hell. I don't remember most of the dialogue and it's hard to explain so you'll have to see it yourself because I don't own the game...yet.

OK... so the funniest moment is one you don't remember. Yay.

One of the funniest moments I can give you in detail was one in Legend of Dragoon, I don't have an exact quote but here's what Lloyd says to Dart and his friends when you catch up to him in the prison island.
Lloyd: I can't stand it anymore.
(Lloyd jumps up on a ledge)
Lloyd: I torched your village to the ground, I killed your friend Lavitz, and I hold the Moon Dagger and Moon Gem in my hands. You abhor me, don't you?

Absolutely! If I'd played the game, I'm sure I would have. Next up we have a newbie@@@@@@@@@@@@ Damn. Did you switch my exclamation marks?

Who, me? I was just using them to... um, nothing.

Heehee... he'll never know!

*taps Ozzie on the back*


DONT YOU DARE INSULTING CANADIANS YOU PIG-LIDZARD FREAKITY! *blasts Ozzie into next week, NOW that some firepower!*

Hi. I am AshuraBlade, and this is my fist time writing in, so I will make this quick. The funniest part of an RPG I've ever seen was when Bartz from Final Fantasy 5 revealed he was afraid of heights, and didn't want to get on Dragon. It was funny when Gaulf pushed him on. Okay, thanks...Oh, and before I go...(casts IceBolt, Freezing Ozzie and then shocking him) Arsenal, get me the heck out of here.

Um... who's Arsenal? Anyhoo, next up is Helen. Wow, we have three whole female correspondents! That rocks!

First off, an obligatory "Hello" since I'm really not in the mood to come up with something creative unlike the majority of Mailbag respondants.

*cheers erupt from the rafters*

Now, the topic. I could either interperet that as "Funniest scene I've seen in an RPG", or "Funniest thing that happened while I was playing an RPG due to my own stupidity". As amusing as the other interperetation could be, I'll go with the first one.

Ok... there is only ONE scene that comes to mind when I think of that. A few months back, I was playing Final Fantasy Eight with a friend of mine, and the two of us had gotten up to Fisherman's Horizon. When we had gotten to it, there was a pretty FMV of said place... and while the camera zoomed out, she and I saw this old man with his back to the camera, and it looked like he was scratching his rear end. It was EXTREMELY unexpected, which was most likely why we found it so funny!

Before I end this thing, I just have one question... does anyone actually LIKE Ozzie? ... ... ... Anyone? ... ... I thought as much.

Now that wasn't nice. I'm sure SOMEONE likes him.

Yeah, Ozzie, don't you have a girlfriend or something?

That just brought an uncomfortable mental image. BRRR!

Sure, go mock the Mystic. God, I wish I had a union.

We're not really bad people, honest. We just like having a good time at the expense of the poor, weak, and defenceless. And to host mailbags. Here's a reply by SilverKnight.

The funniest moment I've ever had in an RPG was when I was sitting in my room playing Brigandine, with my then 13 year old niece watching me. After about a half hour of playing the battle, I finally managed to move one of my creatures up to a hitting position. On impulse, I started to sing, "you are so beautiful, to me". However, in the enemy's move, they managed to friggin' kill them in one lucky shot, so, as any good foul-mouth would do, I growled, "Slut."

Of course, my niece, who hadn't really been paying attention to the game, started cracking up in laughter. (You see, I have a tendency to listen to music and sing along while I play. And I also have a tendency to swear alot when playing, too, so according to my niece, the only thing she'll hear is my singing interrupted by a various expletive right before I go back to swearing.) The only thing she heard, apparently was, "You are so beautiful to me...slut." So, since that night, it has become a very bad inside joke with us. Well, I have no life, so that's the funniest moment I remember. Yeah, I suck, don't I? :)

We don't comment on that sort of thing here, sir. Moving right along is an interesting one by PsiDreamerOmega.

The funniest moment I've ever had in an RPG? Well, it wasn't part of the plot or anything, but once when I was playing the Ranma 1/2 RPG (I like the manga and I was bored beyond recovery) Ranma became confused by some funky enemy spell. The next round, he turned around and decked Shampoo in the face with a critical hit punch, which sent her flying off into the great beyond. Considering I loathe Shampoo (insert rimshot here), I nearly fell out of my chair in convulsions.

Rimshot: Really? And I thought it started snowing early this year! *drum roll* Heheh. MegamanX has a surprisingly short answer for this week.

The Wedding Scene from SMRPG. If you played it, you know what I'm talking about; if not, you should. Especially the cake scene...those cooks were nuts.

No! You stepped on the Bundt Cake! YOU IDIOTS! Hah! Here's one by Doc Shinryuu.

*The Mailbag door opens wide as Doc Shinryuu teleports in behind you* Hey there, everyone! Doc Shinryuu's back again! *Train engine sound effect plays in the background* SOUND MAN!!! WRONG TRACK!!! *Fanfare* Much better. Anyway, response time! Heh, funniest moment, eh(this should be fun)? I'd have to say that it's in Mega Man: Battle Network for the GBA(yes, it is an RPG). It's actually programmed into the game, but who cares. Anyway, while in the Power Plant's computer system, a corrupted program says "All Your Base Are Belong To Us!" before fighting you! I laughed my head off(I almost lost the battle in the process, tho')! *feel free to make fun of AYB here* Heh, All Your Base... Anyway, I'm outta here. I'm almost overexposed to Lunaris's Ego. *Slams the door on his way out.*

These youngsters, always slamming the door... no respect. Speaking of guilt trips, here's a reply by Feathy (remember him?)


It was a rhetorical question. Sheesh.



I was the guy who said that the woman's role in an RPG is hentai material or something along those lines? I don't really remember, Wait no don't delete this just yet


A funny thing in an RPG I've seen was the fan translator's version of Tales of Phantasia. Remember the whole scene with the boat and Klarth fantasizing about Mint and Klarth getting drunk and Arche having a wet dream about Cless and "So the bartender said: HEY- That's not a duck!"??? It was mad laughs or something

Yeah I liked that part

Also in that same game in Ninja Village during the sauna sequence was pretty good

Lalalalala Earthbound was pretty funny too I liked the Mr. Saturns I'm very tired even though it's only about 10 PM I have to wake up at like 4 AM tomorrow and I woke up this morning at like 4 AM as well

Ummmmm in FF9 I liked when Zidane did the tinkle-tinkle with Vivi in Madain Sari YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

Of course "You spoony bard" was kind of funny but I bet that like everyone is gonna say that so I won't, whoops I already did, did I mention I'm very tired

Mario RPG was pretty damn funny, I liked the Snifits and Booster, Bowser was humorous in that one too

Too many funny parts, I can't name them all.... In Chrono Trigger I liked when Magus said "There's a letter here... Shall we burn it?"

Lalala LALAALALALALAL AHAHAHAhahaahaha *cough*

Ah. *makes another tick* Anyway, next up is Zippy!

hmm... that's an easy one! Pretty much the entire Quest for Glory series was hilarious!

Of course they were! QFG is just plain humorous! ERASMUS 4 EVAR!

<yay! another QFG fan... and I'm Canadian too!!!! We should form a club...>

Which reminds me of a point I should have made in a previous mailbag: A feature that should be added to RPG's is that of being able to use the same character (stats and all!) throughout the entire series. So far as I know QFG alone has accomplished this. Maybe some day you poor, misguided only-ever-played-on-a-SNES/PSX-but-never-PC gamers can experience the glory <pun fully intended> of playing your very own personalized character this way too! Technology might make this possible on some of the new systems coming out.


I played it! I liked the humor, but not the gameplay very much. *ducks* And you got somethin' against non-PC-gamers, punk? Huh? OK, just asking. Our second-last reply comes from (you guessed it) Miss Insanity herself, PS2Princess.

::appirates into mailbag::

O YEA! I DIDNT HIT ANYTHING! WOO HOO!!.......o.......uh-hum..........Hey-yar Ciddy, Lucca, Ozzie, Eviel Ciddy, an Luna! SOOO ciddy is gettin sick of my animal/ tutu/wand/crazy/insane/ozzie-maiming/luniey antics huh!? >insert ciddy/anyone comments here*lt; well fine then!::breaks wand in half, but the sparks go flying like crazy and hit ozzie and luna in the butt! they catch on fire, FIRE FIRE FIRE!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!he he he!! ^_^ eveil ciddy, take notes:: >insert comment here< well,the funniesr moment in RPG history,i can only think OF ONE MOMENT! yes yes,that BREATH-TAKING, TEAR-JERKING, LOVELY MOMENT WHEN I yes....i saw it! the RPGC MAILBAG! seriously, you guys are ten times funnier then ANY RPG ive ever seen. so for that, im not gunna use my wand! rejoice! >insert comment......o heck, just insert whereever the hell you want>::dissaperates:: PS>(how could Ciddy turn you guys back to ...huma...i mean...uhh...whatever you are when you guys were animals?!! ONLY I CAN DO THAT DAMMIT! WAAAHHHHH!!!!) PSS>WA2, FF6-10, VS, PE2, RE2, LOD,RPGM, BOF2-4, AND QFG RULES!!!! YEEEAAAA!!!.............................^_^

"Yo Moca Lona!! >Im a crazy monkey!!<"

Damn... knew I forgot to insert some comments somewhere... let's see... "Yes", "No thanks, I've got my own", and "Yay!" Our final correspondent is the one and only (hopefully) Sir Fenrir!

*sound of hundreds of people saying "whoop" at the same time* hi it's Sir Fenrir again, and i decided to add an intro for no reason. cid, i am not a saga fanatic, i'm a persona fanatic, and stop giving me to lunaris, it's annoying (no disrespect to lunaris, of course). the funniest moment would have to be the end of the "school amour" qust in legend of mana. at the end, gilbert (the centaur, not the spoony bard, even though he is a bard) proposes to kathinja, speaks one of the funniest lines in existence, other then any of nate nanjo's contacts, then becomes petrified. one more thing, dare to give me to anyone again and i will use Tower, than the satan/lucifer total annilation fusion spell!!!!!!!! k?

Sure. Anyone want a used Sir Fenrir? *snicker* I'm just joshin' ya, don't worry. 8p Oh, I almost forgot my own funniest moment! On December 25th, an translation will be released for an RPG. That RPG has a segment involving a caveman. That segment is the most hilarious I've ever seen. Sorry, you won't get anything else out of me! Okay folks, that's a wrap! Oh, yeah, you'll want a topic for next week. Here you go: If you could have a creature from an RPG for a pet, which would it be and what would you do with it? I'll be nice and let you send in your answer to Enjoy and have a nice holiday!





YES, VAULT DINT SENT ANYTHING YET! And he gonna take revenge of my against that one that DARED to go against the fury of my RPG Hero Hair! No one shall be spared his total Mentatses! BWHAHAHAHAH!...*ahem*...FWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH-*a light from the celling crash down on him*