RPG Classics Mailbag

Hidee-ho everybody. Cid is feeling a bit under the weather, so I volunteered to host this week's Mailbag. I haven't responded recently, so you people can consider this Mailbag the Return of the King, Mailbag Replying King that is. And since I'm here, that means Ozzie can't get hurt, so if he is hurt, I'll make it hurt Energon instead. Is that okay, Energon?

Zzzz... *Snores* Nyum nyum...

Awww... Energon is asleep... Hehehe... *Starts kicking Energon repeatedly* Wake up, Energon!

*Holds head* Alright... Alright... I'm up... I don't see why I have to be up though...

Oh. I volunteered to host this Mailbag since Cid is feeling a little under the weather. As a result, any Ozzie harmings will harm you instead.

... I hate you oh so much.

I know. Anyway, on with the first response from a common face in the Fanfic section, Weilla.

Hi Cid and crew!
It's me, the notorious fanfic author!
*Ozzie notices the face and starts to sweat*

That's your cue to sweat, Energon.

... I hate you oh so much. *Starts to sweat*

Hi Ozzie, no I won't torture you. I'm pretty done with ya.

Do I have to say it?

Yes.

... "Ozzie: Eep... thanks."

Ahem, anyway...
Voice in behind: Will you quit stalling already? Haven't you done enough crossovers as it is?
Shut up, Magus, I'm writing to the mailbag.
Magus: Is that Ozzie!?

No. In fact, it's Energ...

ENERGON!

Alright... "Ozzie: AIAIAIAIAI!!"

Stop it! Sit!
Magus: I'm not taking *donk!* ugh...
Frog: There, m'lady.
Thanks. Now then...

If two characters from different games were to meet... start sequence!

*Fade in on the coliseum of FF3/6j*
Narrator: And now, a match to the bitter end between our finest ninjas of the SNES; Shadow from FF3 and Hawk from SD3!

*Crowd cheers*

Hawk: Bring it on, elder!
Shadow: ... If you say so. *takes out a shuriken and throws it. Hawk jumps aside*
Narrator: Oh, and he throws, he throws, he throws... and misses! He's trying again!
Hawk: I can do that too! *starts throwing his own shurikens*

*Twenty minutes later the whole arena looks like a demon's kindergarden with all the sharp objects lying around. Both Hawk and Shadow are unharmed.*

Shadow: This tires me. *whistles*
Interceptor: *comes in from nowhere and starts growling*
Hawk: Hey, not fair! Pets were in the last mailbag!
Shadow: Ninjas don't play fair, you idiot.
Hawk: So maybe I'm a wanderer... but I have a hairy friend myself! Kevin!
Kevin: *jumps into the arena* Yeah?
Hawk: He's cheating, he called in a demon dog!
Kevin: Gah... me don't like fighting, but if friend in danger... *turns to Interceptor and whistles*
Interceptor: Yip, yip, yip! *jumps over to Kevin and starts licking his face*
Hawk and Shadow: ...
Kevin: Me think there been enough fights in this mailbag already. Peace and love, ya know?
Hawk: Ahh! He's been picking up hippies and FF8!
Shadow: And he's influencing my dog...
Kevin: Uh-oh... *starts running, Interceptor happily rushing by his side*
Well, they stop fighting, gah! *winks with one eye at the camera*
Shadow and Hawk: It's for your own good!! *hunts Kevin and Interceptor out of the coliseum*

*fade out* So I stretched it a little ;) Sorry, I tend to do that... bye!
Best wishes

Weiila

Hey! That's pretty good. Very nostalgic for me since it seemed a lot like the old Battle Royales. In fact...

Shutup! You're interrupting my sleep! Get on with the Mailbag!

Yes. Energon is obviously tired and grumpy. Ha Ha!

... You will die a slow and painful death...

Heh. Anyway, next response if drom... Hmm... Appears to be Eden.

It is Me! Eden!
Hiya Cid, Lucca, Lun, and Ozzie ^.^ How are all of you? Good I hope.

Oh, we're doing fine, Eden. Well, Energon is mad...

I just don't see why I have to be Ozzie...

It could be worse. At least you're not Garland. He has to be Lucca.

Urge to knock down rising...

Anyways, I have noticed that.... your mailbag is become more and more... well... crazy! I feel, that because I am just someone with a identity crisis, ^.^ I'll put the sanity back in insanity! Err... that sounded sooo much better in the my head ^.^;';

That's now saying much...

Energon...

Anyways, on to the topic! Would you like that? I don't know, I would think you would because you're the mailbag guy, but you never know.... *Realy needs to take a breather from Silent Hill 2* So real. Too real. Okay, now if.... A FF6 Moogle, came across a.... SoM Moogle what would happen!? Well... I think it would go something like this....
FF Moogle: Kopu who are you??
SoM Moogle: Kupo I am Moogle!
FF Moogle: I am Moogle too!!
SoM Moogle: You look diffrent? Did you get your hair dyed?
FF Moogle: No, but I was about to ask you the same thing!
SoM Moogle: You're right! I do look diffrent then you! But we are mature Moogles, I am sure this color diffrence is but a small matter.
FF Moogle: Yes it is, who would ever think of judging someone by there color now a-days.
SoM Moogle: I am very glad I had a chance to meet you, perhaps we could have a chat over some Tea later?
FF Moogle: That would be splended!
Ah yes, a perfict time ^.^ Anyways, I really do think that would happen! Moogles always seemed so mature and intelligent, don't you think so? Anyways, I wonder how many people will have bosses meet and big battles or big things going kaboom, don't you? Oh well, that is everyday life in the mailbag ^.~ Good luck and have a happy rest of the mailbag! Cya!
Yours always, Eden99.

Awww... Wasn't that just a nauseatingly cute entry...

Eden was obviously making a commentary on the stupidity of racism and judging people by the color of their skin. In fact...

No you don't! No speeches! *Slashes Captain Obvious with a piece of paper*

Those two... At least I don't get head aches any more from them fighting in my head... Looks like this reply is from... fill cosby... Okay...

Hey Cid and his many umm...imaginative......crazy....things ...ya.....uhh...anyways, seeing how I've been having an attack of insomnia lately, I thought I would just reply to the mailbag before I forget, like I did the previous ones. Anyways, to make up for the previous ones, I'm gona give ya some quick responces:
#68 - Features #1: Which feature would you like to see in every single RPG?
Reply:The attack command is pretty usefull, dont you think?
#69 - Features #2 - What feature would you like to see in an upcoming RPG?
Reply:Probably a save state feature, cause sometimes when I forget to save(RARELY)I die and then I have to restart from such a long ways ago.
#70 - What's the funniest moment you've ever had/seen in an RPG?
Reply:Probably either 1.Anything Gilgamesh said/did, or 2.Any extreme grammer mistakes in translation(it comes up occasionaly..)
And ummm, the mailbag about a pet thing, probably a tonberry/cactuar/chocobo/moogle/oglop/pupu/goblin mixture, I mean, think of the possibilites.... it would be a very quick spikey white feathered bouncy weak alien with a knife.
OOOOK, now that I'm up to date, here is this week's responce from me: If two RPG characters of your choice were to meet, what would happen?
Reply: oooo, the possibilties!!!! well, if I wanted something REALLY funny, probably Gilgamesh and Ultros. They would probably try fighting each other, ultros would summon chupon, gilgamesh would run away, and so on. Now if I wanted something serious or something that would make more sence, probably Exdeath and Golbez, because they look so god damn similar!!! When I first saw Exdeath I thought he was a rip-off of Golbez, but then I remembered Golbez wasn't a tree. They would probably fight or something... not much potential in these FF villians, eh? well, I'm pretty sure I'm done, but one more thing: you have 23 hours to find me the jade monkey....

Heh. He certainly was the one to talk about bad grammar...

About the Jade Monkey, Quina ate it.

Yummy, yummies.

Yes, quite. Up next, Cless Alvein.

Hey Cid

Hey Cless.

1333 left...
I'll be assuming that when you said 1337 times, you did not mean leet in leet, because leet cannot be used as a numerical adjective, as it would not make sense, because leet is at most a n adjective, which in the case of a number replacement, would be invalid and have no value whatsoever. Thus, 1337 is assumed to be the actual number, and not the leet adjective as it does not make sense if you had used the latter and even though I seriously doubt any of the other Mailbaggiers have sent in e-mails 1337 times, I think that- Oh forget it.

Well, I'm the closest to having 1337 replies... Time to start replying again...

Anyway.
Who'd I want to meet? I'd have to say Frog(Chrono Trigger, Party Character) and Rena (Star Ocean, Main/Secondary Character), with Frog as Rena's bodyguard. Frog would go after Rena, saying, "Buteth I haveth to protect thine with my sword, me lady! My honor would noteth be otherwise completethed!" with Rena running away saying, "GO AWAY!!! ARRRRGH THERE'S A GIANT FROG AFTER ME!!!!" and such. Since I doubt that anyone, ANYONE would have a proper moment, and they would all choose characters so that they break out fighting or have disputes or arrive in a comical situation, I figured I would go along and such. :P

That certainly was... interesting... to say the least. Next up, well, I guess his name is IN.DO.GU.TSU... It seems his reply should go the Fanfic section instead. Heh.

Hey, IN.DO.GU.TSU here! Long time mailbag reader, first time submitter!
First of all, I would like to wish a happy 2002 to everyone out there in Cyberville, and a happy 5762 to all the Cybervillians of the Jewish faith!

If Cid were here, I'm sure he'd wish it back.

Since the beginning of time, we have often asked ourselves, "If two RPG characters of my choice were to meet, what would happen?" It would be interesting, that's for sure. But it would be even MORE interesting to see what happens when two characters from the same RPG, who have absolutely no prior knowledge of each other's existence, would meet. Ever think of THAT?

No.

(Heh, due to recent events in Cidolfas' online life, he probably sees where this post is going...)
Think about it. One person has exactly what another person is looking for, although they might live in different places. And time periods.
(Yes, the answer is getting clearer...)
ROSHI: I am getting older by the day, and I still have not found the person to pass my Shinsanken Kung Fu techniques to.
SAMO: (interrupting Roshi) I'm hungry! When do we eat?
ROSHI: No interrupting my monologue! It is an act of dishonor! Just for that, NO SOUP FOR YOU!
SAMO: Awww...
ROSHI: Anyway, err, where was I? Oh, yes. Because of my old age, death is imminent, and if I die without a successor, the world will be left without the art of Shinkansen Kung Fu. I have searched far and wide within the five or so maps that encompass the domain in which my scenario takes place... and the only people I found with even the most remote possibility of becoming my successor are... a little kid who hasn't even reached puberty yet, a guy who thinks about food every three seconds, and (gasp!) a WOMAN!
LIN: Um, just because I'm a woman doesn't necessarily mean I'm weak. I could probably fight as well as any man, if given the chance! In fact, I could have probably killed you back when we fought in the bamboo forest, if you hadn't used the super-cheap "OldFoxDance" attack at every turn!
ROSHI: OldFoxDance is not "cheap." It just happens to be two to three times as powerful as all of my other moves, plus it can damage multiple enemies at once, and it causes a variety of status ailments, and it even has the built-in effect of causing the target(s) to flash purple for a few seconds. Now, where was I?

Suddenly, a "Chrono Trigger"-esque time gate opens just outside of Master Roshi's cabin, accompanied by the sound of a thousand men saying "whop." A black-haired man in a red headband, yellow pants, and a purple training suit falls out of the portal, which then promptly closes with the sound of a thousand men saying "foop." The mystery man stands up, dusts himself off, and enters the cabin to speak with Master Roshi. Lin, Yun, and Samo are kneeling on the floor in meditation, while Roshi punches and kicks at nothing in particular.

MYSTERY MAN: My name is Masaru Takahara. My goal is to learn every skill of every martial art.
ROSHI: How... how did you know that this is a place of martial arts training?
MASARU: I didn't. This is just the way I begin every conversation.
ROSHI: I... see. Now, you just happen to be the person I was looking for. Unlike Girly, Fatty, and Toddler-Boy over here, you look like you have exactly what it takes to become the next master of Shinsanken-style Kung Fu!
MASARU: In my quest to be the strongest man alive, I find this bizarre turn of events will definitely take me one step closer to my desired state. I shall take you up on your offer! Now how much do I owe you for this service?
ROSHI: Owe? What do you mean, owe? There's no money in this game!
MASARU: Oh, right. I forgot.
ROSHI: Anyway, I shall start with a basic assessment of your skills. To test your physical and mental prowess, you shall fight Lin, Yun, and Samo -- all at the same time!

Roshi's three apprentices stand up and bow to Masaru.

LIN: I look forward to reducing your HP to 0.
YUN: Yes. What she said.
SAMO: Just out of curiosity, how long am I being left without soup?
ROSHI: Gautama Buddha, Samo! How many tracks does your mind HAVE, anyway?

(IN.DO.GU.TSU'S NOTE: I had Roshi say that as a substitute for "Jesus Christ," because obviously the people from China didn't know who Jesus Christ was.)

MASARU: Very well, in order to establish myself as the dominant candidate for kung fu succession, I shall battle all three of you at once!

And so, the battle started. Masaru used every technique he had at his disposal against Lin, Yun, and Samo. The Muay Thai boxing skills of Namcat, the Sumo wrestling moves of Jackie Yowyeka, the Mexican Lucha Libre-inspired attacks of Great Asia, the American military's secrets of unarmed combat borrowed from Tola Han, the ancient Japanese techniques of Moribe Seishiro, and the super-flashy finishes of Max Morgan...

ROSHI: Umm, Masaru, you can stop now. They've been unconscious since after you started your endless attack combination. I guess that's what happens in a game where there's no MP...
MASARU: So... does that... make me the successor?
ROSHI: Well, ordinarily, I'd challenge you myself, but I *gulp* fear for my life. Congratulations, you're the new successor to the Shinsanken line, yadda yadda yadda.
MASARU: Thank you very much, Master Roshi. You have played a part in my quest for attaining total mastery of the martial arts. A fairly small part, but a part nonetheless.

Masaru and Roshi walk outside.

ROSHI: So, I guess you'll be returning to your own time and place, eh?
MASARU: Yes, but -- WHAT IN THE NAME OF YOKO SHIMOMURA JUST HAPPENED!?!?!?? That unexplained time portal that brought me here, it just vanished!
ROSHI: Hmmm... So I guess that means...

Lin, Yun, and Samo stagger out of the cabin with torn clothes and bruises on their bodies.

LIN: ...that you'll be stuck here...
YUN: ...forever, right?

Masaru sighs.

MASARU: Yes, I guess that is so. Oh, well, I might as well get used to spending the rest of my life in China, practicing my hard-earned martial arts against, um, those bamboo forest tiger things.
ROSHI: Fine then. You can live in the back room of my cabin.
MASARU: Thank you very much, Master Roshi! Now, all of this fighting and talking about succession has made me rather hungry.
YUN: Uh oh...
LIN: Now you've done it. The fat man's going to talk about food forever!
SAMO: Say no more, Mr. Takahara! I know something that's just perfect for you! It's a place at the north end of Yunfa Street. And I speak from experience here when I say you can eat all you want and never have to pay for it. You see, although the restaurant's owner might look tough and chase you outside with his meat cleaver, he's slow, and has really bad aim.

--THE END--

Do you know what game that was?

Not at all. Anyway, up next, 4 replies that are very much alike in the content. Respectively, they are Daria, Jiharn, DarkAni, and mduke05. Up first, Daria, from TORPGC (That's The Other RPGClassics).

If Cloud from FF7 were to meet Bowie from "Shining Force 2":
*Bowie walk in from the left*
*Cloud walks in from the right*
*Bowie nods to Cloud*
Cloud: What are you looking at?
Bowie: ...
Cloud: That's what I thought.
*Cloud walks away to the left*
*Bowie walks away to the right*
This would probably more impressive with sprite illustrations but there ya go, I'm not feeling very creative today.
-Daria

It's nice, short, and sweet. That's all that matters. Onto Jiharn.

For some reason, when I saw the topic, this idea popped into my head: Cloud meeting Squall! What chaos could ensue from their gathering? Not much, probably. Likely conversation would go like this:
*Cloud and Squall stare at each other.*
Cloud : ...
Squall: ...
Cloud : ...
Squall: ...
Cloud : Nice sword.
Squall: I know.
Cloud : ...
Squall: ...
Cloud : ...
Squall: You, too.
Cloud : Thanks.
Squall: ...
Cloud : ...
Squall: ...
Cloud : ...
Squall: What hair gel do you use?
Cloud : My hair sticks up naturally.
Squall: Oh.
Cloud : ...
Squall: ...
Cloud : ...
*The two stare at each other for a little longer, then walk off in different directions. Neither cares enough of this encounter to remember it in the future.*
Well, that's probably what would happen, right? Or something like that.
Jiharn

Only thing I can say is "..." DarkAni! You're up! Go go go go!

If Crono and Link met, it would probably be like this:
Crono: ... Link: ... Crono: ... Link: ... Crono: ! Link: ! *both pull out their swords* Crono: ... Link: ... *both jump at each other* Crono: (in mid-air) !!!!!!!!!!! Link: (also in mid-air) !!!!!!!!!!! *and slam into eachother* Crono: x_X ................. Link: X_x ................ ~DarkAni~

Don't you just love characters fluent in "..." speak? Time for mduke05.

If Cloud and Chrono met the would fight about who has the better hair style.

And you included that reply because...?

It obviously struck him as being in the same vein as the previous three.

*Glares at Captain Obvious*

*Smacks Energon upside the head* Now play nice, Enny. Captain Obvious is right.

Ha ha!

Anyway, to wrap it all up, the one, the only, the gold clad reploid, MegamanX2K!

I'd summon Meilin to bother Cid (the FF7 Cid), until she became so annoying with her crying (his swearing upsets her) he did something horribly violent to her, like stab his spear through her vocal chords (how sweetly ironic). And if she somehow lives, he can tie her to the bottom of his airship and practice landings.
MegamanX2K, being violent as usual...

Well, now that that's done, I leave the rest up to Ciddy. He can stand doing a little HTML, I hope.

You probably just killed him by making him do some HTML.

Probably.