RPG Classics Mailbag

Well, welcome to another version of the RPGClassics mailbag and everybody say W00T!

No.

Forget it.

As if.

W00000000000TTTT!!!

Thanks. Today's topic leaves everybody wide open for a good old testosterone-filled hate-mongering smashfest! You get to rant about your LEAST favorite character, wahoo! We've got replies coming out of our noses and other orifices, so let's skip right to the chase and say hi to Xelopheris!

Hey Cid, I have a list about 10 pages long with crappy characters from RPG, so I'll find one I like
...
...
Ah, here's one

Not so much a character, but a job

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH BARDS.

They sing and play stuffs.

Okay, they can sing. But most of them can't if they don't have their precious harp. The harp does barely any damage, so it's a choice between Songs or SOMEWHAT Physical damage. When you do go with physical damage using knifes, the Bards stats are so low it's still laughable.

Now the songs, you DO NOT want me to get started on those. They just plain suck and half of them in FFV you go till the end of the battle

Now Edward is even worse. That Hide command of his, I was trying to get him to use a phoenix down on one of my party members because oddly enough all but Edward got killed, and whenever it came to his turn he just kept Hiding

Well, that's kind of avoiding the issue, but not really. I'm sure lots of people will pick Edward or some other lame-ass bard. Although Karyl from Tales of Destiny isn't quite as sucky as the rest, he isn't exactly GOOD. Ahem, surprisingly enough, DarkCrimson agrees with you. *shuts eyes against horrible horrible typos*

so you wanna know who i think is the worst that god damn spoony bard edward come on he's all the things you listed useless stupidest worst charecter ever to come across the world of rpg, like the first time i say him i was saying dammit tellah you got magic use it on that spoony bard why are you using frickin cane beat the crap out of that wuss, i'd also like to see one single person say he's god so i could send that person to..... something worse then gitteng MR.T pissed. i wonder how many people are gonna say this descremate as a response.

Descremate? I highly doubt anyone else would say that. Did you realize that was all one big sentence?

Scary.

Indeed. Jeez, all these stupid Internet people have no clue where the period button is! Sheesh! Or the Shift button!

Well, they do know how to say ".........." and to WRITE ALL IN CAPS.

True. Maybe they're just being annoying. Here's a nice big long one by a newbie named Robin!!!!! ...I can't tell if that's male or female, but it's nice and long, so sit back and enjoy while I just...go...have an environmentally friendly smoke or something.

Those things kill your lungs, you know.

I'm a 16-bit sprite. I don't have lungs.

Good point. *lights up*

On the subject of futuristic vs. olde worlde, which I missed the deadline for, but you saaaaid I could send iiitt... ^^

Yes I did, because the deadline was "sometime in the middle of the week". ^^;

Too much of either one is a bad thing. A completely futuristic world doesn't have swords, princesses, or the romantic quasi-European setting of a olde world. A completely medieval world is a messy place with no guns, no bazookas, and no giant mechs (unless you're in Rayearth). Hybrids are also fun, but I get a little tired of one world stumbling upon the ancient advanced toys and abilities of another. For instance, FFT used the ancient technologically advanced civilization's old toys to allow guns, Mustadio and Worker 8 in a mostly medieval world. FF7 used the Ancients' amazing magic powers to make supernaturally nice people (Aeris), supernaturally mean people (Sephiroth), and supernaturally nuts people (Hojo?) to drive the plot in a futuristic dystopia where most people are just *normally* nice, mean, or nuts. This works OK, but it's not really my favorite, because it feels just like an excuse to have a conflict between technology and magic (and make a good "ancient" evil).!

What I'd really like to see is a balanced hybrid, like a fairly prosperous futuristic world that acts like a stereotypical medieval world, with trained fighters and pilots and the like who call themselves Knights and devote themselves to being loyal to their king or whatever, or technological masters who are so advanced that the stuff they do looks like magic, who call themselves Wizards. FF8, while lacking in "soul," came fairly close in giving modern-ish excuses for versions of magic and fighters. I'd also love to see an RPG that takes place in a world like ours either in the mid-nineteenth century (1850s onwards) or early twentieth century (1910-1950).

Oh, and on RPGs that take place in modern times in this world: Good! Good good good! Parasite Eve good!...and Hourai Gakuen was another fun game, too (if you could get past the first few chapters), and it took place in the present day, present time (Hahahaha! ...Lain...).

So. Now that I have that out of the way. (I wonder if I should send that? It's long... @.@) The first thing that comes to mind when I think of useless or annoying characters: Chrono Cross.

Radius, for being too old and having bad stamina. (But he had a neat double tech...)

Sprigg, the ONLY thing that was fun about her was getting to BE Flea (and that triple tech). But in the meantime, you'd have to deal with this ugly little hunched-over useless green IT-thing. (Sorry... --*)

Funguy, because mushrooms belong on pizza, not in my party, goshdarnit!

And Korcha, oh Korcha. I know, I just KNOW, that Korcha is really actually a guy I know, who is very, very, annoying, but you can't make him go away because it's too mean...Don't mess with me, Korcha. She's NOT gonna marry you. (Sorry all you nice Korcha fans---it's not his fault.)

I suppose Chrono Cross in particular had a lot of stupid or funny-lookin' characters, or even nice characters that you'd just never use, because there were also a lot of choices for GREAT characters.

Um, so, it's long. Sorry. I like your mailbag. ^^ *gives out sushi* I like sushi, and I'm having it for dinner! ^^ 'Night!

Sushi. It's what's for dinner. At least for Robin. Personally, I hated Poshul. Sure, her stats were ten times better than anyone else's, but that horrible LISP! Urgh! Ahem. Next up is Demolition Man, who just came back from his anger management class.

Hello again...

I think that the worst character in an RPG that I have ever encountered would have to be...uh...hmmmm...grumble...grumble... WHAT? I KNOW! It's that...grumble...grumble...guy from The Legend of Zelda! I always forgot to buy that piece of meat for that Nimrod! Why I'd just like to take that guy and demolish him... Oh ahh, sorry. I seemed to have lost control of myself. Well that is my reply.

Now to release my fury, I will go and take down a building.

Have a nice day.

GRUMBLE GRUMBLE... POW! Heheheh... Um. This next one is... quite odd. And for a librarian, he seems to not know how to speak normal English. ...Well, just look at it and tell me I'm nuts.

I am Conan The Librarion! I HATE EDWARD FROM FF2/FF4!!! I don't hate him because he's a queer. I don't hate him 'cause he plays the harp and sings!( MINS YOU HE IS USELESS) HE HAD OVERDUE BOOKS!!! HE WALKED INTO MY LIBRARY AND SAID

"My books on harps for dummies is overdue." THEN I WENT RHAAAAAAAAAAA! AND CHOPPED HIM IN HALF BECAUSE I AM CONAN THE LIBRARION!!!!

AND IF ANY OF YOU HAVE OVERDUE BOOKS?
THEN RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Okay. You're nuts.

Thank you. But he's more nuts. I hope. Ooh, here's one by Bling Bling, man, I'm scared to wonder what HE chose...

Hello, everyone!!! *Everyone looks at bling weird* Bow to the king of annoyance! *Nothing happens*Fine then!! *Bling casts a spell so everyone does what he wants them to do and soon bow* Good! Now, who is useless in the world of RPGs? Welllllllllllllllllllllll, here we are! *Three pictures come up and the Change of heart music along with the whole "pick your love" music comes on* All you people who live outside the U.S dont know what change of heart is, so ignore what I just said. AnyWAY!!! So people, you can choose between bachelorete number one!! She's Lucia!!
She hails from the game Lunar 2:Eternal Blue and she sure is worthless!! At the beggining of the game, she destroys anyone in her path. But in her cursed form, she is useless! She still has spells, but only one hp. Does she cast her spells? No!! She runs away like a sissy!!! Just kiss her cold, dieing lips and see how much of a live wire she is!! SSSShe's SNNNOW WWWWHITE!! Oh wait a second, this isn't shrek, I need to stop watching that movie... anyway, bachelorete number 2!! She's Marle!! *No, Lucca didn't convince me to say this* Oh yeah, she was helpful in the beggining, but when you get Frog you don't need her!! Frog has the skills of Marle an the power of Frog!! Besides, Lucca is better!!!! Now, bachelorete number 3!! Sheee's Eve!! From parasite eve 2!! She has strong speld but never uses them!! Now, time to control my servants!! Ozzie, you will now kiss Lucca!! Lunaris you will never use a gun...................................AGAIN!!!
*Lunaris snaps out of his trance and is about to shoot bling* Uhh, here! *Hands luna a copy of parasite eve 1+2 and luna runs with it* Heh, he'll be on that game for a long time!!!! Wait t'ill he beats pe2. He won't stand a chance against eve..thats bling over and out!

HAH! That stuck-up blonde deserves it! Stupid healing whatever...

I dunno... personally, I didn't think you were all that useful in Chrono Trigger... I mean, sure there was that fire stuff, but you were real slow, had no defense, MP kept being used up, and...er... I mean...

Keep going, it's just getting good.

*runs away*

He'll have to come back eventually! In the meantime, let's look at a reply by Igno.

My browser E-mail quit on me. . .so I'll have to use this until I get it fixed. Anyway. . .onto the question!

The most useless character in an RPG? The first one I think of is Yuffie. Honestly, has anyone ever used that materia stealing pre-adolecent? Sheesh. I don't even know why I go through the trouble of getting her. . .I just sold her stars for the extra gil. Next would be Cait Sith. I used him for five minutes before he got fired off my squad.
Next would probably be Gau from FF6. Honestly, I like the kid, I just have no use for him whatsoever. Sure, his rages are good for the first half, but after that, he's just kinda. . .deadweight. And the stupidest character, definitely Kefka. Anyone who has a laugh that annoying AND controls the world deserves to be shot. And I'm not kidding, either.
As for CT, after I got Lucca, she just became deadweight, once more. Her spells just kinda. . .suck. Actually, I only used Crono, Magus, and Frog. . .but I digress. Alright. FF9. . .Eiko is kinda useless. . .her summons are okay. . .although I never use her anymore. I digress once more. Pardon me. That's about it for useless/annoying characters. And thus ends my little rant. No cash this time, I need a car. I'm on the road; if I were you, I'd watch out.

*erects a huge barrier between him and Lucca and shouts from the other end of the mailbag* Told ya so!! Hah!! See, I'm not nuts!!

...Oh, all right. I can't have it all... can't be funny, sexy, cool, and awesome in battle too. You can come back now.

Er... okay. *very slowly inches his way forward*

KIDDING! *blasts Cid away*

Ow.

Hey, I blasted you away, didn't I? *looks at her gun*

I'm the mailbag man! I'm invincible! HAHAHAHAH! I am also the master of being cornily never dead. Ahem. With that out of the way, let's take a look at what Helen wrote.

*sigh* Go figure. Olde-Worlde is more popular than Futuristic. But... what can a sword do against a gun?

*demonstrates by shooting some random target which doesn't happen to be anyone in the mailbag... docking about 50 HP from it.*

Alright, alright, alright. So maybe you can't be a Cloud Strife/Crono/other godly spiky-haired sword weilder if your weapon of choice is a gun. That ends my blather for today, please stop writing all over it with red marker and blahblahblah.

*looks up* Oh, pooh.

On the subject. Which characters are utterly detestable and which are so useless their corpses don't burn after you've killed them? Here are my answers. As you can see, I docked the stupid one because there ARE stupid characters in RPGs which I still like. (Case in point, Pogo of Live A Live).

USELESS - Actually, no characters are useless from what I've played. Surely, even the worst of what will surely be the popular answers (I.E, Edward of FF4) will have some use, even if it's hiding all the damn time. I know, I know, I once said that Beru of Live A Live was useless... then I discovered her healing capabilities and how strong she was with the Wild Bag and Wild Dress equipped. So, no characters are really useless.

And have you not leveled her up to level 7, where she gets the strongest technique in the chapter? Shame on you.

WORST - Note that this is my opinion. Sure, this character has a lot of redeeming qualities to a lot of other people, but I can't stand her. Personally, the worst character to me is Tifa Lockheart of FF7. (She even beats Riesz of SD3 on that regard, and that's an acheivement in itself, IMO!) She's ugly (IMO), not very useful, and her personality irritated me, and she was also somewhat boring in some regards. There are some other reasons, but I don't exactly want to give myself Carpal Tunnel Syndrome at this stage of life.

And once again, my entry ends. *runs off with the homework she was supposed to do hours ago*

I'm sure legions of hormone-charged males will disagree with you, but I don't. ^^; I think Tifa was extremely annoying... she acted like a psychiatrist (well... I guess Cloud needed one) and was a bit too much goodie-two-shoes to be believed. Ah well. Next up is Doc Shinryuu.

*A huge, white beam blasts away the celing. Doc Shinryuu drops in followed by FFX Bahamut.* Wow. Nice shot, Bahamut! *Bahamut growls a reply and flies away.* Hey guys. Doc's back! *ANOTHER explosive fanfare!* TO THE RESPONE!!! *Daft Punk's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger plays.*

BORING.

Heh, great topic this time. Though, like in the "Parodied Celebrity" Mailbag, I'm afraid that it's another tie. In no specific order:

1) FF5 Gilgamesh: Persistent coward. Need I say more?

2) FF6 Kefka: Annoying laugh, bad hair, bad coustume.

3) FF7 Jenova: MAN! That thing is UGLY!

4) FF8 Seifer: WAY too persistent.

5) FFX Biran and Yenke Ronso: Persistent, annoying, makes fun of Kimahri, a fellow Ronso...

I guess that's it, unless you guys have something to add... *Cough, coINSULTugh, cough*

...Nope, nothing I can say you haven't inadvertently already said about yourself.

Anyway, gotta run. Nothing else to say, so let's go straight to THE FINALE!!! *Mission: Impossible Theme starts playing, but...* Hold on a sec, Precis... I feel sillier than normal today. Play Special #3. *Doc "silly walks" out while the Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme plays in the background. When the song finishes, a giant foot falls on Ozzie and Lunaris.*

*The foot is torn apart when it collides with his RPG HERO HAIR ! THE ULTIMATE AND STRONGEST SUBSTANCE IN THE UNIVERSE !*

*laughs until he bursts a gut* Man, that rocks! OK! Here's DarkAni, go have a look-see while I find myself another gut.

EEEEWWWWWWW.

I'll give you one! The man who is famous for being, in the words of the mage Tellah, a spoony bard; Prince Edward! The guy is a sissy who hides during a fight and can't do much aside from heal people... by using one of your potions!

*I pull out the Shining Laser weapon from Megaman Legends(some kind of secret super-dooper powerful laser-weapon that can literally annihilate any enemy, even the final boss, with ease. It's really hard to get.) to use on Edward when I find him* It should be considered a crime to have a sissy like that as a party member! A CRIME, I TELL YA!!

I have this prediction lots of people have/will be saying "Ozzie" in response to this week's mailbag. Do you? *runs off, but accidently leaves behind the Shining Laser*

Yeah, well, too bad no one did...Ozzie truly deserve to be a unanonimous choise in this topic !

I am NOT useless! ...Or rather, I am NOT a character! Phew, won by a technicality. Kind of like those figure-skating Russians.

Ooh, low blow. Here's Sorcerer, who agrees with whatsisname from before.

Yo, tis I, Sorc!

Easily the most useless/stupidest charachter would have to be Cait Sith. He has next to no natural strenght, magic, or HP, his limit break sucks, and is a bit too random...and for gods sake hes a stuffed animal.

To strike down all the Yuffie haters, Yuffie is a great charachter, as is Aeries and Red 13, they are all excellent and useful charachters if you work them and use them right. Im sure Cait Sith is too, but if someone could point me in the direction of that 'right way', i would be much oblidged.

A quick death would about sum it up.

A close runner up would be about 30 of Chrono Cross's charachters. Almost all of those charachters were completly useless. You were guaranteed to have someone who could do the same thing better/more efficently.

Agreed there, and it wasn't worth the trouble of de-equipping/re-equipping all the Elements, either. O_o Damn, we aren't even halfway done! Let's keep the chatter small! Here's d Galloway!

First off, Edward sucks. End of story.

Second off, any and all Blue Mages suck. Their skills are stupid, getting their spells often require killing them, and they can't use big-ass weaponry anymore. Kimahri (FFX) doesn't suck as much, as he has the potential for a great fighter, but his Blue Magic command (Ronso Rage) is available only as an Overdrive (Limit Break), and most abilities sucked. But since Cid never played FFX, he can't do a thing about it. And, just out of curiosity, does Cid even have a PS2?

Just got one yesterday! FFX rocks! But don't talk to me about it until I've finished it!

Third off, Ultros and Gilgamesh suck. They're too useless.

Well, that's it.

Yep, that just about says it all. "Corey Laird" has the following to say:

The dumbest character in an RPG i've seen is the photo man in EarthBound

Yay. Our name-changing mailbag replyer person (not quite as impressive as shape-changing, is it?), now calling himself The Crazy Cook, is up next.

Hi... To answer your latest question I have brought this *holds up a huge onion with a face* *the onion moves a bit and goes "puyuuu"* This is Pecoron or Peco... He can be describen in many ways... But the only time you can call him useful is if you put a "not" before that word. He can't do any good attacks, he is level 1 when you get him, all the other should be at least level 20 by then... All he does is that he can help you talk to a tree named Yggdrasil, but that tree only says "My head hurts" (you can learn stuff from that tree is you help him, but its not worth it...) His only real use is that he proves that manipulating genes can be dangerous... And isn't very much help if your just playing the game... But wait a minute... Onions can be used in the kitchen, and I'm praticing cooking anyway... *Peco runs away* Dammit! Come back here, it won't hurt... For long... *runs after Peco*

Ooh, spooky. "MARCUS DUCHOW" says "Eiko from FFIX". We don't really care, though. What about Saladin?

Greetings. Saladin here again, trying not to ruin your little trashbag... no, wait...*thinking really hard*... Mailbag this time.*Ducks, flying plothole XP home networking wizard edition 2005(tm) barely misses*. Damn you MICROSHACK! DIE, AND DIE PAINFULLY or at least buuuuurn...sometime soon...ah, yes, the question... You probably noticed my horrific english so Ill try to make this short. Now-now ..most...annoying...rpg...character would be... Quina Quin! That freakin as...um...ian licker lizard! That ugly thing kinda reminds caith sith...AHA! I knew it! Two crappy characters in one! Collect whole set! Only 15 dollars! Its just one big conspilegancy! Quina was ruining mood completly. Oh, lookie, flying elephant! Or is it Ozzie? Bah, no matter, I must depart or flying melons will take over the world. Fare thee well!*Trips, falls to moving plothole Me second shared device control edition(tm)*...*Duh*...

...Yummy-yummies?

Yes indeed. Very yummy! Go go!

FOOOOD! *runs after Saladin*

*winces* Ouch. Short, sweet one by Dragon Slayer now:

Dragon Slayer Appears!!
...I think Sten is the worst character I ever had. Why? Low HP, AP, and Attack. Unlike Arsenal here.
Arsenal:.................
DS:But of course he can't talk, he's a machine.

Good. Kept the reply short. So's Rayman201's! Yay! If we keep this up I can go home for coffee in five minutes!

You are at home.

Technicality.

I think the stupidest most useless character is Dr. Einst from Robotrek. He looks suspiciously like Einstein but he's a fake. First, he makes a bomb to blow up a wall and save the children in a cave and he fails in doing that so he whines and runs off, then later on, he claims himself to be the diety but he actually just uses an earthquake machine to scare the villagers in South Isle. Then he makes you fight a stupid looking robot. Then he runs off and gets stranded on a small island.

Um... well, that's nice. O_o Doesn't really say much about him, though, just that he's a fairly generic mad scientist. 8p Now we've got a reply from GrooveAttack, yo.

Well, no more long siggy, see? Really no sig at all...:-p Well, this one is tough, let me give two people, cuz I really can't choose between two crybabies. I would have to give one of each.

Stupidest: Rikku, at the Thunder Plains, you must stay at an inn one night and waste like ten minutes just because she hates the lightning.

Useless: And Rinoa...oh man! All she does is cling to Squall and doesn't go anywhere without him. She should try growing up, ya know?

Worst: I really can't think of anything for this unless you count Cait Sith, him being a spy for Shinra and all.

Um...yeah...keep it up, I really love these mail bag thingys! :)

I know, so do I... awww... *hugs mailbag*

Oh, barf.

*cuddles mailbag* Okay, I'm done. Another reeeeallly short one by "Norwood Harrison", no relation to George Harrison. I think.

The most useless character of all time has to be the thing in Final Fantasy IX that has a spoon and a fork for weapon and eats enemies. It really sucks.

*scans the mailbag* Nope, looks like he's still busy. Lucky you. Oh, here's one from MegamanX2K! Haven't had one of those for a while! And anyone who knows him will have absolutely no problem guessing who he picked. 8p

You missed my really big rants of evil? Well HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE! *tapes Ozzie down to the floor so he won't be spared from the agony, nails EvilCid's feet down to the floor for the same reason, then hot-glues Ran to the floor, only to have him die* RUN : I PITY THE FOO WHO WILL HURT RAN, MY BROTHA!!!

Anyway, when a mailbag like this comes around, there is but one person who coems to my mind. You probably guessed it...Meilin.

Let's look at the facts. First off, she's disturbed. A lot. Her parents die. So, instead of crawling into a little ball and crying (which, knowing Meilin, you'd think she'd do), or maybe avenging her parent's death like good little NPCs, she turns the entire population of the town (who were already dead, but she awoke them anyway) into zombies and masks this all with an illusion, then uses the desert as yet ANOTHER illusion!

Second, she's anti-social. She often tells you in so many words to piss off, and, failing to do that, she'd simply cry and run away. She's rude just to about everybody. And she always uses illusions to avoid people or trick them.

Third, she's a slut! She tells Ark, who's 2X her age, that she loves him, and expects him to do the same. God, that girl will die alone...not that Ark's a bad choice, but don't you think that he's a wee bit old for you, missy?

Poor Meihou. If I were to become Meilin's caretaker, I'd simply cut her head off. Something she CAN'T avoid with one of her bloody illusions.

Yes, mwahahahah! Bloody! Ooh, she's a bad one, she is!

You are confused.

Sorry, mushroom, did you chuck the woogie again? Wheeee!

*snicker*

*slaps forehead* You really gotta stop doing that. Hey, here's BSSB! You've had your "insane girl mailbag person" title stripped from you. Time to take it back! *Rocky music plays*

Gwwwah! I have re-re-returned to make you happy go loucky butterscotch milk duds and neon flashlights smile with joy and incandesent heartache! Fu fu fu fu!

Now the least-groovy charrie in a RPG ish Ozzie in the super secret Role Player Ninja Adventure : Mailbag! Dark Choco Ciddy's Sadness! The reason for this is he has no good abilites, unlike Lucca with her Flare Buster 7.9, or LuneLune's Pizza Starmight Huggle Fish Beam of Pretty Love and Cheese. But,I suppose Ozzie's Blubbersnatch is better than Cid's Plot Hole Realization...sorta. But anyway,the best char. in R.P.N.A.M.D.C.C.S. is Celes. Cause she has like Psychopsychic Pulse,MagiTek Mayhem,and Double Demize la Boom.

Now,I must go back to the Blahahaverse,and fill the lives of many mushrooms with great peanuts.

Well, at least now I know where you get that stuff from, Lucca.

By the crate.

Oy. Next is Tim Friedeck. Yep, still going! One of these days I'll have to cut some people off...

the most useless character i ever saw in an rpg was Lynn in Final Fantasy Legend 2. She never has any good abilities. Shes only around for two mini bosses and doesnt help at all since she can barely do any damage with her punch, kick, x-kick or headbutt. she out and out SUCKS. worst character ever.

Well, others disagree, of course. 8p Hey, here's one by Zel! He's never actually written in to the mailbag, but he's hung around for quite a while, so I will not degrade him by presenting him with !s.

*There is a flash of light, a plume of smoke, and a chorus of song, then nothing.*

*Wanders into the mailbag from the opposite side of the other commotion.*

Yeesh, people and their flashy entrances.

So this is the mailbag, huh? Weird. I guess the rumors about Ozzie's sweatstained foxskins are true... Anyway, I figured I might take some time to actually write in. On the topic of useless characters, I think that at least someone else will agree that most of the cast of Chrono Cross is rather useless. Over the course of the game, you acquire 42 party members. During the game, I believe I used a grand total of about 10 of them, less during subsequent playthroughs. Many of the (non main) characters have little or no background. This is a pretty big turnoff, since without some kind of background a player probably doesn't really care if they live or die.

I'm certain that he'll be brought up more than once during this mailbag, but I'll have to also point out Edward's uselessness. Weak weapon, singing that doesn't impress an Imp, and an incredible nack for hiding. From what I can tell, Edward's usefulness in FFIV was being the basis for the "spoony bard" comments and the party's battle for the Earth Crystal. Well, I guess this means that as an NPC he's useful for something, but as a party member...

Hmm... I think another pair to throw up into the spotlight would be Rafa and her brother from FFT. I found them to be simply a waste of space in the formation, and weak and helpless on the battlefield. The random hit attack spells they learn didn't help at all. Sure, there's the possibility of hitting every time on a single monster, but there's a greater chance of not hitting at all.

I think that's about all I have to say for now. I'll refrain from torturing Ozzie for two reasons:
1) Others do it better, and
B) He's likely a deformed piggish mass by now, depending on how far down my entry is.

Farewell for now. *Wanders off in a random direction*

Surprisingly enough, I'm still whole! WAUGH! *10-ton weight drops on him*

Me and my big mouth.

Indeed. And I am shocked - SHOCKED! - that no one mentioned Rafa and Malak yet. Yay Zel! Next writer is DarkLordFhang, GOGOGO!

In my opinion, the worst character ever to appear in an RPG would definitly have to be Gobi from Breath of Fire I. The only thing he was ever good for was turning into the big fish, which did not make up for his low hit points and poor attack and defence scores.

Man, it's been a while since I played that... I'll take your word for it, though. Our third-last (yay!) reply is by Archone.

Sorry if this came in too late, I didn't remember until just now-because I blanked out the memory, mostly.

The Avatar of the Ultima series, in U7 and above. In U4, the virtuous Questor was tackling Balrogs and demons with his bare hands. In U5, he used magic axes to obliterate everything from slimes to shadowlords. In U6, he tossed magic mass kill spells around like cantrips, used halberds like hatchets, and kept a ready stock of glass swords for instant death attacks on those pesky dragons. In U7... he leapt into battle against trolls and ended up with half the party dead. In U8... after picking a fight with a "kith," the local equivalent of a domestic cow, he not only got his butt kicked, but got tossed around like Ozzie at a Hero convention, before learning to run away from every fight and steal whenever possible. I didn't have the heart to try U9. And Richard Garriot wonders why Origin folded...

I'll have to take your word for that too, never having played any of 'em. Second-last! Kari!!!!!!!!!! You go, GOGOGO!

..Rather interesting to see this topic, but I didn't reply to it last time anywasyz, so I guess it's time to make up for that wee little mistake! *Shoots the mistake*

Many, many many many RPGS have these so-called 'sucky' chars, in either combat prowess or then they just STINK BAD! There really isn't a worst of the worst char, but each game has it's chars or classes really kicked down the drain, and here are some examples:

- Any bard, anytime. Those game designers just can't be without a weaker bard char, and here are some examples..
Edward/Gilbert: Your usual choice in this matter!
Gilbert: (BG1) HE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED!!
Bard: FF3/5: "We kill enemy with harp yay and scare enemy away away and we hide and die lalalalaaa!" *They die*
(Well, Haer'dalis of Baldurs Gate 2 had potential, but he fell to his abysmally low HP..)

- Magikarp. Now that Pokémon sucked so much that it'd stink even over there if one curled up and died, but it did become a useful Gyarados at level 20, but still, if you wanted a Gyara early, you had to level this peice of crap up.

- Khalid of BG1. He stank in both personality (Damn speech impediment) *and* stats/skills! (A fighter with str of 12? Hello?) But what makes him 'special' was his wife Jaheira who killed him up nicely (In my save anyway >) )

In general, useless chars are not even funny because they're not making their low stats/personality up in any way. Please do not use any sucky chars. Thank you.

A message from your friendly neighborhood Sanity Group. Our very very very last reply today comes from... HolyVaultDweller! Talk about going out with a bang, eh? 8p

Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetings there! This I, THE HOLYVAULTDWELLER once again replying to fill the gloomy days that have been lately!...

...Well, alright, not too gloomy seeing it 30c outside in the wasteland for the last three months, but I think you understand what I mean, ne? ...300 Caps that Ozzie dint even caught it. Admit it, Ozzie!

What the heck are you talking about?

Oh well, whatever...What today's late topic, hmm? The most usless character, the most pathetic character and the most weak character? AInt they all the same thing?....Wait, THATS why it on the same topic! Oooo....

I have a few options. Caith Shit(Oooooups? Bad spelling!...Like if I cared...) was utterly...annoying, usless, plot hole filled. AND WEAK DAMNIT! WEAK LIKE YOU COULDENT BELIVE! MYRON WAS BETTER THAN THAT! AND THAT INSULTING!

...*smack himself*...Stay calm, stay calm...Anoter usless characters are, sadly, most of the fuzzy critters in RPGs. Somes arent, but a good majority are. Admit it.

Anoter thing: A lot of character in CC are...utterly...totaly...usless. They also, in most case, no other reason to join you than finding you 'Intressing'...How damn convenient.

Anyway...I dint had much to say today...So I'll be off! Trala!

*And thus, the HolyVaultDweller violently exploded...But did not at the same time!...How? Anoter mistery from the Vault Dweller, puny mortal!*

Well, that speaks for itself. And that's it! We're finished! *Victory music plays* Without further ado, I present you with... next week's topic! Again, we tap the talents of the tap-talented Amaranthinus. I'm really interested in this one.

"'I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, god, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.'" Buffy Summers, "Becoming Part II."

And haven't we all felt like that? If someone isn't trying to meld themselves with Lifestream or casting Time Compression, or parasitically feeding off the earth then they're just insane for the sake of it and about to destroy the world regardless.
My homework, my TV watching, my gossiping about... well, no, that bit isn't applicable... but certainly the first two *are suffering* because I'm always trying to save the world. Again.
And that's it - it's the 'again' which really smarts. It isn't exciting, is it? It's just another world getting destroyed. It's been happening since... well ages anyway.
So why oh why are *all* rpgs about the destruction of the world? (I am aware that there are exceptions - although, the exception is often that someone wants to rule the world, which is just as bad.)
I don't care. Do you? Do you find it exciting when the world is about to be destroyed? Again? When you know there's going to be a happy ending??
Is there an alternative? If you were creating an rpg *how* would you make it exciting? What would you do to make your players care?
Would you DESTROY THE UNIVERSE(!!!)??? Is bigger better?
Or would you try something on a smaller scale, more character-related?
Would you try and present the destruction-of-the-world threat in a different way?
Or do you like it the way it is already???

So, calling all readers:
The purpose of an rpg is often to 'save the world from destruction'. The world has been in such danger too often, and now it is an empty threat. What can we do? We must have a new purpose when playing rpg's... but what? Or maybe it's fine the way it is?
What do you think???
Send all replies to cidolfas@rpgclassics.com. It won't make a difference, but you might feel special.

Soon...SOON...the galaxy shall...be....MINE ! BWHAHAHHAHAHAH !*insert here the Imperial Death March*