RPG Classics Mailbag

Hullo, hullo, hullo, what's all this then? Oh, a mailbag. All right. Just don't you do it again.

So we've jumped on the nonsense bandwagon, have we?

Most certainly not! A pint of green ale, landlord, if you don't mind!

I think he's gotten into the Saint Patrick's Day theme.

But he's Jewish!

So?

Yessirree! What're you talking about? Oh! Right. Best BAD RPGs. Well... lots of folks here misunderstood the question as you guys so very well do and thought I meant WORST RPG. That's not what I meant. Y'see, if I'd have meant WORST RPG, I would probably have said WORST RPG. But that's not what I meant. Is it?

You're rambling.

What's with this glass? It's green! And I can see the bottom of it! Definitely something wrong there! Where's the WAITER?

You're in a mailbag, not a bar.

Dangit, that's no durn excuse! Hey, let's let this d galloway guy say something... maybe he'll offer me a drink! *hic*

Howdy, Cid!

I think it best you dont talk to Cid right now...he acting...wierd.

Weird! The very thing! I get knocked down, but I get up again!

Anyway, when I think of FUN bad RPGs, the first thing to come to mind is...*insert drumroll*...SHADOWRUN!

I mean, let's face it, the plot sucked, the characters were iffy, it was far too drawn out, Spatter backstabbed me, Kitsune was crap, control was terribl...*list goes on for five minutes*...well, that's all the reasons I hate it. Now, as for why I liked it, the shooting was VERY good! Why use swords when you can plug someone down with a machine gun? Why fight yourself when you can hire extra gunmen? Why bother looting for riches when you can just blow the brains out of everyone BEFORE you get stinking rich? Eh?

Alright, that was WAY too demented. Good-bye!

Absolutely! Hey lookie, this guy's name is Slavoc!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heh, that's funny! Go go go!

Hello! A newbie is me, but enough abouth that...

The best BAD RPG i've played... hmmm... Mystic Quest! yeah, that's the ticket, not only is it the most freakin' linear RPG i've played, you have to walk on prelayed lines on the world map, and the world is divided up into 4 equal parts, one with it's own town nonetheless! The dungeons are to laugh at too, you get the spells that obliterate the bosses in one hot at the beginning of the dungeon, and i'm not even gonna get into the magic system...

Am i saying that it's a bad game? No chance! It is sadly fun if you have a few hours to burn, and if you're new to RPGs, this is a good start, but it's just so sad!

That's it!

...Okay, here's some of that black coffee you wanted...

GREEN coffee! I specifically asked for GREEN coffee! You're useless!

Am not!

Are too!

Yeah, well, you're drunk!

Am not!

Are too!

I'm just faking it really really well!

Are not!

Am too!

Well... aw, who the hell cares? Do whatever you want!

What do I want? What do *I* want? Hell, I wanna let Rokon talk. Green coffee, mmmm...

Heya Cid! Rokon here, just taking a break from work on the Grandia 2 shrine to answer your oh-so-great mailbag!

WHAT ABOUT ME ! ? Everyone forgets the poor psychopath that is bent on killing everything and everyone... !

RPG's, being so vast and expansive, seem to have something for everyone. It's rather hard to come across a title most people would view as "bad". Lucky me, though, I managed to find one. If anyone has played Final Fantasy Legend for Gameboy, you may see the merit of my post. You see, this game lacked a very important element, a balanced challenge. One minute, I'm fighting enemies that barely dent my manly leather armor, and the next I'm getting by posterior handed to me. Not to mention the fact that weapons could only be used a certain number of times, making leveling quite a burden. Out of all this bad stuff, however, I did manage to develope a high tolerence for the tedium of stat building! Soon, I was able to smite any foe and thus enjoyed a game I wouldn't have otherwise. Even though staring at a tiny Gameboy screen for hours on end probably didn't help much either... but these strained eyes are the scars I carry proudly!

You can see someone about that. You know, get 'em all covered over with green paint or something. And it only costs like a hundred thousand dollars! Hard pill to swallow, but man, it's so worth it... hey, speaking of pills, here's The Pill!

To all of those who thought that I had dropped off of the planet, I say... HEEEEEEERRRE's, Johnny! Truth be told, I have just been busy, but back to the task at hand.

I'd have to say that the best bad RPG would have to be 7th Saga. I really like the idea of so many characters with plots that change each time depending on your decisions, how quickly you made them, and who you took along for the trip. I have to admire the idea, but I find the battle system tedious. It's cool how you can see your enemies coming, but it takes away the excitement of the random battle. Plus, the random nature of the plot makes it difficult to do the same thing over again to create the desired effect. Not to knock on Jasox or anything, but I honestly cannot see how anyone could enjoy this game. I find it to be a waste of programming time.

Another would have to be Mega Man Legends. They took one of the best characters that Capcom ever created and tried him out in the 3-D world. A noble idea to be sure, but it ended up rather futile. Mega Man Legends proved to be a let down in game play, graphics, play control, and the most important thing: fun! Sorry guys, but the best Mega Men come flat.

Sorry to say, but Megaman Legend was never meant to be part fully of the Megaman Series. You gotta admit the the controls are not THAT bad and when your used to it...they are nice. And the story was rather refreshing...Think of it of Capcom's Zelda-style Game.

Well, kind of a weird reversal of what I meant, but everyone's a winner at the Cidolfas Taste Test! Wahoo! Hey, lookie, it's Gundam Deathscythe, haven't seen you in... oh, man, like ten seconds or something. Hey, I'll even let you say stuff on the mailbag, 'kay?

Well I think it's about time that I crawl back from under my rock and answer another mailbag. Since I've been gone for so long I'll make this mailbag reply SUPER-SIZED and mention not one, not two, but three good bad RPGs! Yay!

1. The first RPG I'm going to mention is one that is loved by many, but when you actually dig under the surface you'll find it somewhat lacking in nearly every category. This game is Diablo 2 (The original Diablo suffers the same way, but I won't go in depth no that one as well.) It appears that the folks at Blizzard made this game with the idea of not building upon ANY of the key elements that make an RPG good. Let's take a look, shall we?
Story: Uh...you go kill Diablo to prevent him from unleashing his hordes of evil on the world. How novel.

Gameplay: Find monster. Click on monster. This is basically the extent of the battle system in this game. And if that doesn't sound like TONS of fun to you then you could always spend hours leveling up and trying to find better equipment for absolutely NO REASON! I bet you all just feel like rushing out to the store and buying it now, don't you? As for multiplayer, well there's too many l33t h4x0rs to make it any fun.

Sound: Same songs over and over. Some of the monsters grunt a little too. Next.
Graphics: Nothing special, but withstandable.

Despite lack of all of the main parts of an RPG, Blizzard managed to make a game that is horribly addicting. Until you realize how utterly pointless it all is. That took a little less than a month for me. But until I reached that point, playing Diablo 2 was ALL I did, so that's why it's one of the best bad RPGs out there. It kind of makes me wonder how good a Blizzard RPG would be if they actually built on one of an RPG's main points...

2. The next game on my list is one that suffers the exact opposite fate as Diablo 2. This game was cast away my most people simply because it wasn't quite as good as it's predecessor. This game is Chrono Cross. Aside from the fact that only about 4 or 5 of the 40+ characters actually have a purpose there really isn't anything bad about this game, but it still gets thrown into the bad category simply because it's worse than Chrono Trigger. Let's just go over the same things as we did for Diablo 2, then.

Story: Honestly, I can't go over this without A: spoiling it, or B: spending hours typing this. Needless to say it is quite a bit better than something like Diablo 2... The only real complaint is that most of the 40+ characters do absolutely nothing and join simply because they think Serge is interesting.

Gameplay: Fairly complicated battle system compared to other games. Some people seem to have some difficulty with it, but in my opinion battle systems are better if you actually have to take time to learn how to use it, rather than jumping into it head-first and still stomping on all the opposition. The game is rather easy once you get the hang of it, but with the massive amounts of characters, you're pretty much guaranteed to get a party you like.

Sound: One of the best video game soundtracks out there, 'nuff said.

Graphics: Some of, if not the best graphics on the Playstation.
Taking all of these points into consideration, what exactly is so bad about this game? Is every game worse than Chrono Trigger considered God-awful? Well, whether I like it or not, the majority of people place this game in the bad category. Two down, one to go.

3. This last game also suffers the "Chrono Cross syndrome". It's the latest game in an already legendary series, but this one wasn't well-received at all. The game in question is Legend of Mana. People who know me well know how much I love action RPGs and how much time I spent on this game when I got it. The sheer amount of things to do in this game deserves AT LEAST a nod and a half, but most people just punted it into the trashcan because it wasn't as good as Seiken Densetsu 3. I tell you, there's no justice in the world. Alright, you know the drill by now.

Story: The whole game is mostly just a bunch of short stories. It kind of reminded me of Romancing SaGa games, but nobody complains about those *grumble*. There are three main story arcs intertwined, and I assure you that every one of them is better than Diablo 2's story.

Maby you just too scared of non-linearity.

Gameplay: This is where the game really shines. There are well over 60 quests, 11 weapons, over 200 weapon techniques, 3 difficulty levels, the blacksmithing system that's considered a science by some, and golem creation and raising pets (where you can alter their personality and stats) to fight with you. Say there's a game with more things to do and you're a dirty liar. Some say it's too easy, though. But I have a solution to it: make some weapons and armor out of cotton and play through it on No Future mode and that should solve your problems.

Sound: Some nice songs. Not as good as CC, mind you, but still nice.

Graphics: 2D=l33t. Don't try to deny it.

Well I'm kind of at a loss for words now. Need sleep. I'll just assume that one of those three answered the question correctly and go back underneath my rock for the time being. Bye!

Very very nice! Goes perfectly with my curtains! So does Xelopheris, that mauve pattern? Just rockin', dahlink.

/me covers himself in ice to reduce his sunburn from spending a few days in Florida

Oh, hey Cid, didn't see you there *puts on pants* Okay... Mailbag eh?

*Flips through his notebook "Things I really hate" which was last seen during the least favorite character mailbag*

Here you go, Ephemeral Phantasia. Crappy game, battle system was crap, story line was crap, EVERYTHING was crap almost. The reason I like it? The name Xelopheris comes from it.

It works! And if it ain't broke, don't get a sunburn. Here's a guy who wins Most Biggest Shortest One-Word Mailbag Reply, from TeeBo393: CRYSTALIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How 1337 is that, eh? Not as 1337 as I Abibde, and that's saying it all!

(I do not think that I have ever been revered, per se, but this is a little odd. Is it a mere coincidence that the venerable Mailbag now features not one, but TWO French-speaking intellectuals? Is it conceivable that they could be the same person? Who knows? Tune in next week, and Martha Jean, the two-headed multisexual Elvis clone from Planet Anthrax, will have the answer. Meanwhile, on to my response.)

This is a difficult question to answer, since one person's cow pie is another person's pot pie. I could say Sa Ga Frontier, but the legions of Sa Ga fans (myself included) would have my head for a rugby ball. I could say Final Fantasy Mystic Quest, but that game has a peculiar cult following all its own (again, myself included). I could say Beyond the Beyond, but I am no gaming masochist -- I would have demanded my $8 back if not for the (early) Sakuraba soundtrack and the sheer challenge of the silly thing. I think you might actually have stumped me on this one, Cid.

Wait, I do have something of an answer, but it is slightly unorthodox. If I had to name the Rocky Horror Picture Show of CBVRPGs, well, I would have to point my figure at a very good role-playing game, one of the pillars of the genre: Xenogears. Before you stick a Holy Sword in my eye, hear me out. The RHPS, which is a bad film to some, and a work of art to some others, traditionally involves audience participation and all sorts of crowd gimmicks. (Yes, I have participated in said RHPS, though it has been a year or two since my last outing.) When my roommate and I -- it really is a tag-team effort, some days -- play Xenogears, we take that sort of spin on the game.

We read the dialogue out loud -- one does not realize how completely off-the-wall and innuendo-laden that script is until one reads it out loud and rolls in the double entendres, dirty word play, and hilarious homoeroticism -- and supply our own music on MP3. (I apologize to Mitsuda, who made such a fabulous soundtrack, but I think he would understand if he ever sat in on one of our sessions.) As a result, we have Johnny Burnette's "Secret Agent Man" playing as Bart sneaks into the capital of Aveh, "Dueling Banjos" playing -- it fits so perfectly that it's frightening -- during a certain fight between Fei and a diminutive antagonist, Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" whenever Bart and Fei are in the same room, The Monkees' "I'm A Believer" when Fei runs into Elly, and so on. The overall effect makes for the FUNNIEST damned video game I have ever played or seen played. It should also show you that college students are, in fact, pathetic losers with no real lives.

Elly: "I feel something."
Fei: "Would you just come?!"

BWAHAHAHAH! Oh, man! That's just so... indefatigable, you know?

I'm still waiting for him to say something coherent.

Bring a book.

Look, it's X-Death! He's also indefatigably incoherent, yes? Wahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From the hallowed halls of XDeath, Demon King of Very Minor Sexually Transmitted Diseases & Terminally Sick Racoons:

XDeath, Demon King of Very Minor Sexually Transmitted Diseases & Terminally Sick Racoons appears in a flash of darkness, which sweeps over the mailbox and causes Ozzie to spontaneously combust.

Hello Cid, EvilCid, what's left of Ozzie, and everyone else.

Thats reminds me...*Take out a Artilery cannon and blast Ozzie with it*

I'm SURE I had that target painted on my head removed yesterday...

*snigger*

I am here to address the subject of pitiful yet addictive RPGs, which has undoubtedly plagued you mere mortals (excluding Ozzie, since he appears to be able to survive anything) *Ozzie magically repenerates* for thousands of years, seeing as my master in the 5th circle of hell, Arcgrast, Lord of Unpleasant And Awkward Rashes, sent it as a plague upon the Earth 3000 years ago.

But more to the subject, I feel that that despicable excuse for a sequel, spawned from the bowels of Satan itself, Illusion of Gaia, is truly evil. Part of its evil curse it that you can not stop playing it until you beat that despicable, foul game.

It is almost but not quite fun enough to keep playing it, yet you must go on due to it's evil curse. Truly a horrific game.

Toodles, XDeath. (Demon King of Very Minor Sexually Transmitted Diseases & Terminally Sick Racoons)

P.S. I am most pleased you too like the works of Terry Pratchett. Perhaps I shall have mercy on you when you are boiling in the pits of HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *Falls into a plot hole*

Good. If he hadn't, I'd have done it myself.

How DARE you insult that game? It's just so...so...*sniff* Sorry, Mr. Plus Sign, were you saying something?

+: 'Tis Mr. Plus sign, returning for his own mailbag (because he has Friday off). Should I fail to sexually harass Lunaris this time around, I request that Ozzie do it for me.

Say WHA'?

+: Think of it this way, pig lizard: For once, people will be laughing with you instead of laughing at you.

Oh, sure. Right. Geesh, that is so... SICK.

+: At the risk point of offending people who never bothered to analyze FF3/6j to pieces, I will copy and paste my imagined scene of the planning meeting that went into that game:
Hironobu Sakaguchi: All right, people, we're all rich now, but we're not obscenely rich. We need to start rehashing for a new game immediately.
Nobuo Uematsu: Actually, I feel like doing something new this time around. Do you mind?
HS: Not at all, we'll all just have to rehash extra hard to make up for it. *Nobuo, humming the prelude, gets up and leaves to work on the 38th version of the theme songs*
HS: Good man, he works hard. We haven't even started the code and he's already updating six year old songs.
Lackey #1: Sir... Shouldn't we try to make a plot and story before he decides on music for it?
HS: Plot? Spoil his creativity so the game makes sense? Making no sense has never hurt sales before, and it never will. We can always blame the American translation if it all looks like a big collection of unrelated spots with great music to them.
#1: Please, forgive me! I'll find a way to throw in giant elemental-throwing robots if you do!
#2: But how will we work out the tried-and-true idea of an evil empire raising a power from 1,000 years ago if both times have technology?
HS: Make the main character's female love interest the ancient power. That will make everyone too interested with them to care.
#3: And give one of them a magic pendant! That will always work!
HS: Hmm... If we have lots of playable characters, then we won't need any character depth at all. One or two unrelated plot points should do it for all of them.
#2: If we make the woman the main character, then we can just have all the rest of them fall for her as their character development! We won't even need to create an important spot to bring them up with that!
HS: Brilliant! With all the characters we have, we can just make ALL the women seem like the main characters at one point. No dirty lawsuits while we exploit females the whole way through!
#1: But if we have her as a flirt... won't people get mad that the main character has no morals? *Hire glares angrily* We'll make one and then kill him off halfway through. That way people will see a painful tragedy in her past but we don't need to tie her down at all! Heheheh...
HS: You're just barely keeping your job as is. I don't ant any more innovation out of you today.
*#2, listening to Nobuo's office, thinking he hears some depressing remake of one of Bach's symphonies* That's depressing... Maybe we should let the villain succeed at destroying the world this time around.
#1: Just so we can drag the game on longer as unrelated plot points?
HS: You're fired, and you're promoted.
#3: Glee hee he! To the pits of hell with him!
HS: And you're going to be our villain. Get him some more coffee on your way out, Mr. Creativity.
+: If I weren't so damn lazy, I'd edit that to be well-written.
Just because lunch hasn't yet reached a boil, and I love to hear the sound of my own keyboard, I'll give you the second choice. Breath of Fire.
+: No reason. It's just three excellent lines around unrelated events which turn into a fun waste of time. I liked Alan and Cerl's final line.

That was super-cool! OR maybe it was just lukewarm, hah! I dunno. Whoops, PS2Princess has a wuvey-duvey mailbag thingy, isn't that fun?

::Appirates into the mailbag:: WOO HOO! I GOT MY JUNIOR WITCH OF THE WEST PRIVILAGES BACK! wazzsuppie Cid-sama, Ozzie-mun, Luna-chan,and Lucca-san!?!IT'S MEEEEE!!!!!! REJOICE IN LARGE FESITIVAL OF COWS!!

*Twitches madly*DONT YOU DARE CALLING ME LUNA AGAIN !

~bunches of dancing cows enrapped in chalupas dance around, until Luna-chan blows then away with one of his assinine "toys"~

You mean Luna!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGLE !

aww well.......Here we go another (intresting?) debut of ME on the mailbag! and if you noticed,i actually put SPACES in between my lines! SHOCK!!So did you all miss meeeeee!?!?

:P! nah! your ALL mean!.......N E Way, whats the best bad rpg i ever played?(is THAT a oxymoron or WHAT?!) envelope please!
~Spekkio (in pink nu form) runs out and gives her a envelope and dissapears~

~drumroll~And the winner is...........................CHRONO TRIGGER! .....now before you get all up in my face(espacially YOU Lucca, cuz you were damn helpful in CT, Antipode 3 rocks!), note that i dont really say that CT is "bad",just a little "underthought" i mean,i beat the game in 5 HOURS! even though i LOVE this game to death(,....litterally ^_^)), i think they could of put more ingenuity into it, i mean,it's like one thing happens and its done,BOOM! no more need to refrence it,and WHAT THE HECK is UP with the townspeople!? i mean,lets say you let Magus live (which is a genrally smart idea) and your walkin 'round in the middle ages with him in your party, doesnt ANYONE notice!?!? and why the heck do Ayla and Kino get married (in the remake version there is a cutscene at the end of the game) if Ayla looks like she's in her early 30's,and Kino looks no older then 16!!?!?!?!!

Spekkio~"yeah! and i needed better forms!! i mean, a frog, a FROG!?!?! WHAT THE)*^%)*&% WAS SQUARE THINKING WHEN THEY MADE MY FIRST FORM A FROG!?!!? and A PINK NU OF ALL THINGS FOR MY LAST STAGE!?! They couldnt have made me some kick-ass WEAPON breed thingie like in FF VII-X, they had to make me a *^%$*%$ NU! AND PINK OF ALL COLORS!! GAHH!!!!"

PS2 ~Clam it! or else ill use the blender like last time ~evil smile~

Spekkio~"gulp................okay......wimper"

My point is (~Spekkio~"there's a point?!!!?!!?!!"~) even though it wasnt thought out "too " well,it was the best/baddest damn game i ever played! i guess that's all for my rant (for now ^_^) chow!

Spekkio~later!::dissapears in a puff of pink smoke.......gah :P::

OH! one more thing! hey Ozzie!

how comes in Magus's Lair/Castle/Creepy Place where only my crazy uncle would live, when Chrono & co. defeat you,you drop 20 stories and live, when later (in a subquest) you supposedly "die" in your OWN FORT when you drop 20 FEET into your own BASEMENT!?!

Nobody said I died. I just hid so those hero people wouldn't come back.

You lost your pants, though! Hah!

Will the humiliation never stop...

Nope.

Er... I think that coffee's starting to work.

W0000000000000T ! *Start spinning on his head...well, hair...wich mean he evantualy drill thru the floor and vanish soon...*

Or maybe it just wore off on Lunaris. Anyway... our last reply is by Mabatsekker, who for once actually managed to get it in on time. 8p

It's me, Mabatsekker, (Don't be late this time) whose mailbag answers have been a little late in the last few weeks! *Glares angrily*

Anyways, I assume the BAD rpgs in stake are:
- Final Fantasy Mystic Quest
- Secret of Evermore
- Secret of the stars..

-Whatever else in the trash bin...

Well, I like SoE a lot! It's my SECOND RPG EVER!! It has many innovative features, like the alchemy system, and.. *CUT!!* Before anyone says that sniffing for ingredients sucks, go to your menu and turn the dog-AI to aggressive, so it sniffs rarely (if ever), besides, you can BUY the ingredients (Except for two, but they were used in a single spell, Call Up) *END CUT!!** and the Market system was excellent, but it kinda fell short as there were only two marketplaces in the world. The game surely copied a lot from SoM (My third RPG) but it had its own charms with the characters, and it had Cecil (yep, from FF4) as a cameo (Even Locke, Strago, Mog and Relm were there, if I recall)

The musics were awesome, the different time were extremely well portrayed, (Well, clichés do exist everywhere; TOGA TOGA TOGA!!) and it had something hilarious as the solution of all their problems, in a good-old-detective movie style: "It's the BUTLER!!" In general, if you're still against SoE, give it a try. You may grow to like it as much as I did.. my sweet, preciousss... second RPG after Breath of Fire 2... Breath of Fire 2.. Katt.. Catgirls... O.O;; OOPS, cya next mailbag!

In fact, I'm replaying SoE now! I'm beginning to recall that it's a bit too tough for its own good, though. ^^; Anyway... well, the mailbag's over, isn't it?

Yep...

Well, I've got an announcement to make. If we don't count the other people who did the mailbags for me, this makes my fiftieth mailbag. And... er, I think that's a good number to stop at. Y'see, besides for having my schedule being a good deal fuller than it used to be, I'm really starting to think the mailbag's getting... kinda old. I can't think up good topics, and you guys can't think up good answers to them. If I think of some way to reinvigorate it, maybe I'll be back eventually. If not, though, this is it. ^^; It was fun (at least earlier on; lately it's been a bit of a chore...). At the moment our plan is to give you a different host (or hosts) every week with their own topic, and then we'll decide. For next week, the topic is as follows:

Who is your favorite RPG Music composer, what do you like about him/her, what don't you like, and what would you suggest to make him/her better at composing RPG Music?

That goes to Dragon God, and for folks who don't know their music composers offhand, here's a list of popular games and their composers to help you along. Be nice to him!

Seeya!

Made ya look!