RPG Classics Mailbag

Previous Mailbags

... I'm beginning to hate our readers, aren't you Kagon?

Yes. Can we burn them?

Only if they don't send in Replies.

Yay!

Does DG hate them too?

Yes, that's why he LEFT!

Yeah... And he left us with SG, which makes this Mailbag even worse. :/

Yeah, sadly.

Yeah really. I mean. HEY!

This seemed like such a good topic too... I'd say the readers messed up, but I'm not going to steal Cid's gimmick.

You'll steal it anyways.

... You're right.

I'll steal it! I'll steal it!

Sorry SG, you're too new to steal stuff.

Yeah well...YOUR FACE...is too new...to...Sh-SHUT UP!

SG r teh n00b.

Sorry SG, but no. Just no.

j0 1 4m t3H 1337 !

If this Mailbag doesn't have as many Replies, is it shorter?

Possibly.

No. We're poorly attempting to make up for the lack of replies with our banter.

Then let's get started. I don't trust this SG person...

Ooohh ooooooh can I pick the first message?

Yes, SG, you can.

Uh...uh...uhhhh, Xelo, I choose you! Uh...your letter that is.

Hey everyone.
So... casting an RPG... I know, DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS. Jeremy Irons could play the big bad evil guy. Possibly a powerful mage of some sort. Justin Waylin could play the human thief who class-changes to a fighter in the end.
... wait... that's taken.
Okay... how about Final Fantasy X. James Taylor could do Tidus. And during Tidus' flashbacks... Cree Summer. Wakka could be played by... Joe DiMagio. And Kimahri would be CGIed in, but voiced by Joe DiMagio too. Wait... that won't work... (that's the voice actors btw)
Okay... Final Fantasy 1. Fighter/Knight played by Mel Gibson. Black Mage played by... someone evil... LEONARDO DICAPRIO. White mage/wizard... Kirsten Dunst. Black Belt/Master... BRUCE LEE. Thief... how about... Toby Maguire. Red Mage/Wizard... how about... Jeremy Irons.
Yep.. there's my cast. Miscellaneous characters would be played by nobodies.

Xelopheris didn't cast me, Garland? I, Garland, shall knock him down!

You'll get over it Garland.

Mel Gibson seems a little too smart to play Fighter, I think, but I guess 8 Bit Theater has made me biased. :P

Yeah... James Taylor as Tidus and Joe DiMagio as Wakka? Er... age problems there...

Kagon, they can play them in FFX Senior Citizen Version. :P

Point taken 984.

You know Square is going to release that version.

I'm a lover not a fighter. ...f'course, there ARE no lovers in Final Fantasy 1. So I uh, oh god, I've gone cross-eyed...

Less yappin', more, uh, hostin'!

You want to get the next Reply then, Energon?

Anything to get this over with as soon as possible.

Then go ahead.

Always a pleasure to work with you Energon.

I will kill you in your sleep, Kagon.

With what? A piece of paper?

OHH!!!!!! Are you gonna TAKE that, Energon?

... *Slashes Kagon with a piece of paper giving him a really nasty paper cut*

AHHHH!

OHH!!!!!! Are you gonna TAKE that, Kagon?

Don't make me slash you, SG.

I mean. Yuck, you're bleeding.

Mudo! Get out here! *waits*

Energon, calm down. Get the Reply.

Mudo? Er... I guess not...

Fine... We have one from Igatona. Wacky Iga Ninja my as--

ENERGON!

Fine... Shutting up...

Hey Kag, Dag, and Meg, this is Igatona. Here's a bag full of things I collected over my last 2 non-mailbag entries. It's mostly non-costly stuff, but heh, I tend to live in non-rich areas.

Kag and Meg? What about SAG!?!?!?

Sag makes no sense though, and no one loves you.

Well, they didn't know you would be here.

Dag doesn't make sense either! I dunno no staffers named DAGON GOD! It soundws like generic ice cream!

... You are SO screwed up.

Yeah...

Anyways, a movie that would be good and merchandisable would be Persona 2 : Eternal Punishment. As far as the cast would go, there are a few that I don't know who to place, like Maya Amano. But others are so blatantly obvious, you just have to put them in (I don't care if some of these are dead and or missing from the acting scene).
Here's my list, and the reasons why...
Ellen Kirishima - Angelina Jolie : Her looks now added to her Hackers incarnation would make a pretty good P2 Ellen. (In P1 she looks quite different)
Tatsuya Suou - Leonardo DiCaprio : 2 reasons, both of them are/were considered prettyboys, and the other is that DiCaprio's performance in Romeo + Juliet convinced me to give him this role instead of simply shoving him inside a lava pit. Or something.
Tatsuya Sudou (not the same person) - Jack Nicholson : If you've played the game enough to have seen the guy, you'll understand why I chose good ol' "Johnny" for this role. We'd have to do some voice-mod to get it a tone higher, but it'd be worth it.
Guido Kandori - Nicholas Cage : Maybe he's not used to be a bad guy...but I'd say he'd make a good one, especially Guido.
There are a LOT more characters, but I've ran out of actors, especially on the female side, I don't watch much recent movies...anyways, see you later!

I really don't know what to say. Either of you play Persona 2?

Sadly, not yet.

...Er...No.

But we love you because you replied!

Yes.

I love caik. But uh.

In fact, because you replied, you get... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! (Copyright pending)

You can copyright nothing?

Hey, at least he got something, right?

No. He didn't.

Yes he did! He GOT absolutely nothing! Aren't you paying attention?

*facepalms*

Kagon, with today's legal loopholes, I could copyright the name President of the United States then sue the US whenever it uses that title.

Well then... *adds that to the list of things he should do*

Sorry. I copyrighted that list. Gimme 5 bucks.

Er, how bout you get the next reply and call it even.

Fine. Well, next up is DJ Klempa, who got to update his Reply because he sent something in when we under 8 Replies. So, I guess he got something then.

Hmm, I think FF5 would make a good multi-part movie like LOTR is.
~Sean Connery would play a good Galuf, with his skill in gruff, no-nonsense-type roles, Galuf shouldn't be a problem for him.
~Natalie Portman has probably gotten used to playing the part of a high, royal-positioned character these days and could do well as Reina.
~Eliza Dushku and her expertise on tough-girl roles and the fact that she looks good in black would make one kick-arse Faris
~Tim Curry or Christopher Lee would make a good Lord Ex-Death, since they are experts at playing truely devilish villains(Tim Curry's Lord of Darkness from "Legend" comes to mind, or Christopher Lee's Saruman in "Lord of the Rings"). Christopher Lee would also make a good King Tycoon
~Mike Myers would pull off a really funny Gilgamesh.
~I just can't think of anyone for Bartz or Krile, can you?

Hey... Sean Connery... I always thought he'd play a good Drachma for a Skies of Arcadia movie. Well, Patrick Stewart could do a good job too.

LOL, Sean Connery makes me laugh.

Haha! At last! The day is mine, Trebek!

The real Sean Connery or the Celebrity Jeopardy Sean Connery on SNL, SG?

Both actually.

Our next reply is from Rayman201.

I would do Legend of Dragoon for a movie. For my cast I would do the following:
Matthew Lillard: Dart
Russell Crowe: Lavitz
Rachel Leigh Cook: Shana
Taylor Anne Mountz: Rose
Walter Matthaw: Haschel
Drake Hogestan: King Albert
Mena Suvari (she'd have to dye her hair platinum color but she'd be perfect for the part): Meru
Arnold Schwarzennager: Kongol
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Miranda
Anthony Hopkins: Wingly dictator, Melbu Frahma
Christopher McDonald (he'd have to dye his hair platinum color also): Lloyd
Sarah Thompson (she'd have to dye her hair platinum color too): Lenus
Kurt Russell: Emporer Doel
James Gandolfini: Head prison warden Fruegel
For those of you who don't know Matthew Lillard has p! layed in a few movies, including playing as Shaggy in the new Scooby Doo movie, enough people should know who Russell Crowe, Walter Matthaw, Arnold Schwarzennager, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Anthony Hopkins, Kurt Russell are. Rachel Leigh Cook played as the main girl in She's All That. Taylor Anne Mountz used to play as Kay on Passions. Drake Hogestan plays as John Black on Days of our Lives. Christopher McDonald played as Shooter McGavin on Happy Gilmore and usually plays the bad guy or rival in movies. Sarah Thompson played as Dana Poole in Boston Public. James Gandolfini plays as the father on the Sopranos.

That's a lot of hair dying going on.

Obviously.

The best PART of Legend of Dragoon was that the voice acting was so STUPID! That would RUIN the game!

Will they still say Arf when they get hurt?

Unfortunately, no...And that's why this movie should be BANNED!

In UK or Russia? :P

Russia. Definitely Russia.

And Dart won't say Toast when he hits people! They can't make this movie!!!! EVOR

Hmmm... Well, our last reply is a doozy, and it looks like Mudo should introduce it.

doozydoozydoooooo!

Hmmm... Quite.

Meh, alright... stupid work...

Now you know how I feel...

This reply comes from Garret Martinez.

Okay, for my idea of a movie, it would have to be called DraQuies (like Trekkies is to Star Trek as this movie is to the Dragon Quest series). It starts off at the 2003 Space World convention, showing a preview of Dragon Quest 8. However, lightning strikes the building, and a very familiar face shows up--Maou Baramos, to be precise (played by Marlon Brando). After blasting the building and terrorizing the people with Ionazun (Explodet) spells and his fire breath, two lone survivors, Hiroshi (played by Jet Li) and Naomi (played by Lucy Liu), decide, after much bickering, to form up a fighting party to defeat Maou Baramos.
After much auditioning, they find only one person that makes the cut--a crazy American named Mack Stevens (played by Tom Green), who traveled to Japan to meet Yuji Horii (played by Yuji Horii). So they figure that they need at least one more person before they can have the classical, clichéd, and just plain archetypical four-person party. But terror strikes again when several news reports describe the acts of other malicious beings, with one being Maou Mudo (John Goodman), another Orgo Demirra (Orgodemir, played by George W. Bush), one in the sea by Maou Glacos (I forget who plays this guy), and another one done by none other than the classic Dragonlord (played by George Foreman)! Also starring are Cameron Diaz as Mireyu, Osama bin Laden as Miralgo, Sean Connery as Melvin, Mr. T as Hassan, Tom Sellock in a fat suit as Tourneko (Taloon), and Bill Gates as "Daimaou Microsoft". Opens in theatres the day after never.

Wow... That was a good Reply. Know what it gets?

What?

It gets.... THIS!

Oh yeah. Copyright pending on that seal too.

AHHH! I resent being played by John Goodman!

He obviously got John Goodman idea from Kagon.

At least he's not played by John Badman, right guys?

BOOO!

No. Wrong.

*Ker-sliceys SG*

OH SWEET LORDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Falls to the ground in pain* THIS IS NOT FANTAS-GREAT!

*Just points and laughs*

He's in pain... Obviously.

Quite obviously.

Well, that was a short Mailbag.

Yeah, mainly because of the COMPLETE LACK of replies. What do you think SG?

Yeah. Write in or we send SG to your house to be your friend.

Well, at least you didn't get a whole lot of replies, right guys?

... Can we kill him yet?

Just wait...

Wait... we have to keep using him don't we?

Yeah. :/ Well, next Mailbag's topic is "If you were a big prisoner named Bubba, what would you do to Kagon?"

No, no it isn't. If you reply to that, you should be hurt. Badly,

Not as badly as Bubba would hurt you.

My mom doesn't like it. No, she really doesn't.

Fine. Should we just do the cliched Old School vs New Age topic, Kagon?

Eh, might as well. It's better than your topic. *glares at 984*

No. We shouldnt. I'm Kagon.

Er.. wha huh pht?

Okay. Since Kagon didn't like my original idea, we'll go with "Which do you prefer in general, Old School or New Age RPGs?" Surprisingly, the Mailbag has never done this idea before. Anyway, Kagon, give our readers the Official Mailbag Definition of Old School and New Age RPGs. Copyright Pending on that definition too.

Alrighties, your Old School RPGs are back on the good 'ol SNES and NES, classics such as the Dragon Warrior, Lufia, and Final Fantasy series pre-FF7. The New School are the ones on PSX or later, usually with 3d graphics, voice overs, etc.

Okay. There's our definition. Send in all Replies, and there better be more than 5 this time, to RPGC Mailbag Team. Good night everybody!

Later people.

Stupid Mailbag...

Hi guys. I'm Kagon. No, I really am. Do you believe me? Ok, good. Now that we've established that, I want you guys to send in mail for the REAL topic, about bubba and doing nasty things to me in prison. I expect a lot of fantastic replies. I'm Kagon, and I'm out.

AHHH! I hate you SG!