RPG Classics Mailbag

Previous Mailbags

Hello folks! You may be wondering why the normal crew isn't here. Cid was off for Passover, so I decided to do this week's bag! Unfortunately for me, you people decided to make things tough on me. I still didn't get much in the way of entries, and those I did, not all were great. So...

And though you were supposed to be enjoying a medley of Age of Empires: Rise of Rome music, Macc is still an amateur, and when he discovered what I did (though awesome, the music's ugly) he couldn't figure the tempos, as I couldn't, so we're stuck with the last song on the track. However, with what little material I have, I made a darn good mailbag for ya! High Quality! And that means:
No Pr0n

No 133+

Absolutely NO Zero Wing gags.
You Happy? You better be.

*walks on stage*
*crowd cheers*
Hey, it's Tanzra! Err....yeah.

What?
Really Tanzra...is that your best entrance?

Well, being the lord of darkness and all kinda cuts down on my social grace.
Well then, how'd you walk on stage if you don't have any legs?

Uhh...*sweatdrop* Err, to change the subject, without Ozzie or Lunaris, who you gonna pick on?

I was hoping you'd ask! Preeeeesenting...Dimbulb and Michael Jackson!

Wha...?!

We told you to stop calling us that.

Well, too bad. Anyway, for the losers out there who never played Megaman games before, these two are Bright Man and Flash man. I caught them at a Power Rangers conference. They were hoping to freeze time (which is what they do) and steal lots of giru. I came with the same idea, but some kids thought these two clods were baddies and wanted their autograph. The rest...is legal history. |-P

We don't deserve this!

Yes you do. You were stealing!

So were you!

Yes, but I was smart enough not to sign anything.

...O_o
Heh, looks like all the arguing got the Tanzra. Anyway, for those of you who didn't know what the Mailbag was, shame on you. Here's my VERY LAST (thank god) EXPLAINATION:
Pick 3 teams of 3 RPG Characters. Each team is from one of the following companies:

Ninendo

Square

CapCom

Enix

Namco

Natsume

KOEI

Konami
Then, it's Tag Team Battle Time! |-P Well, apparently very few people understood. Here's the first person who did. Preeeeesenting Adamant!

My name is Adamant.
I am gonna answer your mailbag.
It's a battle royal.

Okay, that sounded dumb.

I'll agree with that. |-P
Well, let's get on:
Welcome to RPG Battle Royal (again), but this time, Macc isn't hosting it, MegamanX2K is.

Thank you for enlightening the audience on obvious statements, Adamant, I'm sure they appreciated it. |-P

Err...anyway, Three characters from from three companies will duke it out to see who makes the best RPGs, see.

Goldor: No.

Well, too bad for you. Luckily there are people smarter than you in the world. A holy lot too.

I'll agree with that too. |-P

Goldor: Hey!!

Shut up, both of you. OK, let's start. The Nintendo team will consist of the following:

Link 20 HP, Geno 100 HP and Mario 130 HP!

Itsa me, Mario!

Goldor: Hey, he's not an RPG character.

Yes he is, remember Super Mario RPG.

Goldor: Oh, right.

How could you forget that? Who let you in here?!

Shut up, both of you. OK, the Enix team will consist of:

Blazer 40 HP, Will 30 HP, and Erdrick 200 HP.

Hey, Erdrick can't play! He's dead before the first game! He doesn't even have any *zombies suddenly crowd around MegamanX2K*...sprites? Uhh...never mind.

Goldor: Whatever...And they are?

And finally, the Square team...

Goldor: I ASKED WHO THEY WHERE!

Sonny: They're RPG heroes.

Duh! And who let you in here? Where's my security moogles?!

Shut up, all of you, please. The Square team consist of...

Warmech 1200 HP, Goldor 12000 HP and Magus 2000 HP.

Goldor: ME???

Sonny: Yes, you. *kicks Goldor onto the field*.

Then, let's start.
ROUND ONE!

Link slashes at Warmech 0 damage.

Geno blasts Blazer 99 Damage Blazer dead.

Mario jumps at Magus, but gets slashed by scythe 2023 damage to Mario Mario dead.

Itsa me, Mari-oh! *dies*

Will slashes Link 1 damage

Erdrick strikes at Magus, miss

Warmech nukes Erdrick 500 damage Erdrick dead.

Goldor slashes at Link, miss
Link 19 HP

Geno 100 HP

Mario dead

Blazer dead

Will 30 HP

Erdrick dead

Warmech 1200 HP

Goldor 12000 HP

Magus 200 HP
WHOA! Three people dead already! Well, no one likes Blazer, too bad Ark didn't play. Mario's play control (or lack therof) caused his downfall. And Erdrick's...well, dead...Anyway, someone's gonna have to move the dead off the field!

*whistle innocently*

Dimbulb, Michael Jackson! Get on it!

D'oh! *grumble and shovel the carcasses off the field*

Gotta keep the place lookin' nice, no? |-P
ROUND 2!
Link slashes at Will, 2 damage

Geno uses Geno blast on Warmech, 999 damage

Will drags Link into Goldor with his powers.

Warmech nukes Goldor accidentally 500 damage

Goldor slashes Warmech, 100 damage

Magus slashes Link, miss.
Link 19 HP

Geno 100 HP

Will 28 HP

Warmech 101 HP

Goldor 11500 HP

Magus 200 HP
Round 3

Link slashes Magus 14 Damage

Geno Geno Blasts Goldor 999 Damage

Will transforms into Shadow.
Ahh, finally, the little twerp is good for somethin'...

*Shadow flings comet material at MegamanX2K*

Ouch! Hey hey, I was just joshin' yah...
Warmech steps on Goldor 9999 Damage

Goldor can't move under Warmech

Magus slashes at Shadow, miss.
Link 19 HP

Geno 100 HP

Shadow 28 HP

Warmech 101 HP

Goldor 502 HP

Magus 186 HP
ROUND 4!

Link slashes Shadow, 1 damage

Geno shoots Warmech, miss

Shadow Firebirds Link, 20 damage, Link dead

Warmech walks off Goldor

Goldor slashes Warmech 200 damage, Warmech dead.

Warmech falls over Goldor, 9999 damage, Goldor dead.

Magus slashes Geno, miss.
Link dead

Geno 100 HP

Shadow 27 HP

Warmech dead

Goldor dead

Magus 186 HP
CLEANUP CREW!

Grr...! *clean up*
ROUND 5!

Geno shoots Magus, miss

Shadow Fire Birds Magus, 20 damage

Magus casts Luminare, 1000 damage, Shadow and Geno dies.
Geno dead

Shadow dead

Magus 166 HP
Magus won, hurrah for Square, sorry, I'm in a hurry, bye *runs*
Well, I'm not...hey! Who pays me for the reffin' skillz...?!

Ow! Shadow Burned me! Ouch...

Hey, this Goldor's heavy, I still can't get him off...

Sonny: *runs up to Goldor* Goldor, are you alive?

Goldor: No, I got killed, remember?

Sonny: You are alive?

Goldor: Not officially.

Sonny: Ah, you lost your HP.

Goldor: Yep.

Sonny: I see.
Well, that was nice, and it put my two losers to good work! Now, for my next response, heeeere's...Megaman984, the maker of our excellent HM64 Shrine! We can guess who's going to win this one, can't we? |-P

No.

Err...take it away, 984...
Energon: Welcome, once again, to a Battle Royal. I, Energon Lord of the Paper Cuts, am happy to once again be working. In fact...

*confers with X2K* Sorry Energon. You're not going to announce this Battle Royale.

Energon: I'm not? But why?

Because we said so. Now leave.

*Energon starts to leave*

I'm just joking. You can stay, but only as our co-announcer.

Energon: Yay!

As I understand the rules, there will be 3 characters from 3 different RPG companies for 9 total. If I'm wrong, just don't print this fight. From Nintendo, we have Mario, Pikachu, and Link even though he's not a real RPG character.

Grr...You People! Of course he is! Oh, forget it...this Mailbag is sure bringing out the "what's an RPG" arguements again...

Energon: From Square, we have Garland, Gogo, and Edward.

Muhahahahaha! I'm in the Battle Royale!

Not anymore. *Pulls a string and a safe falls on Edward*

Ow...

Oh, and before we forget: You Spoony Bard.

...

Energon: Um, fine. Hawk will be replacing Edward, I guess.

Dimbulb, Michael Jackson, the safe!

DAMN! *lug the safe on their backs and carry it off*

Hehe, I'm liking this even more now. All your sa*catches self* Uhh...never mind.

And from Natsume, we have Jack, the Harvest Goddess, and the Mayor.

Energon: Why'd you choose Natsume, Megaman984?

Because I made a Harvest Moon 64 Shrine and feel obligated to include Natsume.

Energon: Fair enough. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, letttttttttttttt's get ready to rummmblllllle!!!!

Shut up Energon!

*The 9 figures stand in the center and prepare to fight*

It looks like they're ready. On the count of three, start fighting. One. Two.

*Garland kills the Mayor and Pikachu*

I didn't say to start fighting Garland!

I know. Garland will still knock you all down.

Nobody cares! Garland, you're ou-*is thrown several new pieces of bowling equipment*...Oh, what the hell. *takes them and lets Megaman984 take over*

I guess that's okay. Fine, three.

*The seven combatants start to fight*

Energon: And they're under way. It looks like none of them can hurt the Harvest Goddess.

That's because they have to throw a homegrown item in her pond, just like Link is doing right now.

*Link throws a fish in the Harvest Goddess's pond*

Harvest Goddess: What do you wish for y...AIIEEEEEEE!!!

Ouch. Link just Ran the Harvest Goddess through with his sword.

HEY! Be easy on her; she's one of my ex-girlfriends!

?!?!

Well...I was young then! Oh...I can't look...Oh sure I can. *looks*

Energon: Watch Mario though. He's jumping on Garland's head.

*Mario jumps on Garland's head repeatedly*

Itsa mea Mario! Itsa mea Mario! Itsa mea, Mari….oh!

Energon: Hehehe. Garland just knocked Mario down.

Energon, watch what Jack is doing.

*Jack cuts Mario into pieces with a Golden Axe*

Energon: Ewwwww... Uh, where are Gogo and Hawk.

I don't know. I don't see them anywhere... Wait, there they are. In the shadows.

*Hawk attacks Gogo*

*Gogo mimics and attacks Gogo*

Energon: Not to bright is he?

Nope. Maybe Link will deal with them.

*Link cuts off one of Hawk's arm with the Master Sword*

*Gogo mimics and cuts off the other arm*

Energon: Way to go Link! Way to go Gogo!

*Jack sneaks up on Gogo and squashes him with a Golden Hammer*

Way to go Jack!

Energon: Well, there are only three left: Garland, Link, and Jack. Who will win? Who will prove to be victorious? Who will be chosen to save the universe?

*Everyone looks impatiently at Energon*

Energon: Sorry...

And they're off! Garland and Link are rushing each other! Link has his sword drawn. And, Link goes down! Garland knocked another person down!

I told you Garland would knock them down!

You haven't won yet Garland. Look behind you.

Wha? Ahh crappppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!!!!

*Jack slices Garland's head off with his sickle*

I guess Jack won.

Energon: Yeah. Who would've guessed it? *Rolls eyes*

Hey Energon. Shut up.
As Drew Carey would say, "That was Faaaaan-tastic!"

Why would he say that?

Just shut up already would you dimbulb?

Stop...calling me...dimbulb...hurts...:(

Whatever! Anyway, here's a very special entry from...Dude! Who's grammatically challenged but that's OK cuz his entry ROCKS! |-P
Hello today we have an exiting match. Yes it seems that a great person who is shiny and gold is controling my brain and making 9 brave heroes fight to there doom. If you'd like to see 9 brave heroes fight to there doom, cheer your heads off.

Then everyone throws there heads in the middle of the ring

Not like that! You just scream really loud.

Oh, could we have our heads back then?

NO!! I'll add them to my collection!

Oh, come on!

Quiet yous! anyways, it's not like you'll act any different with out a brain

Anyways Introducing our first team... NINTENDO!!!

Crowd: Yeah for Nintendo!!! boo for the Dude!!!

oh Shut up

Anyways Introducing the first Person from team Nintendo. You may remember him from such games as Zelda or, Zelda. Anyways he has fierce battle skills from restless fights with his Archrival Gannon dorf. please give a round of applaud for LINK!!!

Crowd: Yeah for link!! Boo for the Dude!!!

Link comes down to the Rink and trips on the way over the ropes

Crowd: Hee hee hee at link. Boo for the Dude!!!

Oh would you drop it already!! anyways secondly from team Nintendo we have a great space pirate hunter. Who's countless encounters with Aliens and other monsters have made her top notch quality. Please give a round of applause for, SAMUS!!!

Samus walks out and starts firing her beam cannon into the audience and accidentally burns up a few people.

Crowd: AHHH!!!! p.s boo for dude!

Shut up!! anyways The third and final person from Nintendo please give a great round of applause for the great pink puff KIRBY!!!

*Scilence*

Crowd: Where is Kirby?

umm? it seems Kirby could not make it so Nintendo only has two players but if he shows before the other two are killed it's O.K. Folks

Anyways please let me Represent Natsume... or something like that.

Crowd:umm... who's that

LUFIA!!!

Crowd: oh, yeah!!

Since were running short on time and these people are going to so easily get knocked out, please let me show you the heroes AGURO MAXIM AND THE HERO!!!!

Anyways let's get on to who EVERYONE loves SQUARE!!!

Crowd: Roars Outrageously

Representing FF6, Please let me show you, the one who was so brave and honorfull to give up the thrown SABIN!!!

Then Representing FF7 The total evil of the universe. Who got within an inch of taking over the universe. SEPHOROTH!!

Then we have the people from FFT being represented by the one, the only, the great TG Cid ORLANDU!!!

First in for Natsume will be Maxim. For Nintendo will be Link, and for Square will be Sephoroth.
Maxim: umm.. ms. Armored lady

Samus: what cha want!?

Maxim: umm... what's that thing? *pokes blaster*

Samus: oh this, well let me show you! *Blasts Maxim into little bits

Then Sephoroth comes from behind Link And slashes his hat off!

Link: I paid ten bucks for that hat!!

then Samus get's out and lets Link in

then Aguro gets in

Aguro goes next to link and says hey hey I gotta tell you somtin Then Aguro goes into Links ear and yells SEGA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then Link Wobbles backwards a bit which Let's sephoroth make his move He just goes and Stabs Link right threw the heart and Link dies using these last words

LInk:Hey..... I paid... Ten... bucks... for ... that ..... heart

Sephoroth: Shut up!!

Then Samus get's on and goes after Aguro

Aguro slashes Samus and his sword breaks

Aguro: How dare you! you broke my sword!

Then Aguro Kicks Samus and breaks his foot

Aguro: How dare you! You broke my foot!!

Then Aguro punches Samus and breaks his hand!

Aguro: How dare you!! YOU BROKE MY HAND!!!

then aguro tries to headbutt Samus but she head but him first shattering his head

Aguro:How... dare....you....you....broke....my.....neck....skull...and....brain

Then sephroth Starts casting Meteor

Sephoroth:DIE PUNY MORTALS!!!

Right as it seemed the Meteor would destroy us all Kirby so Valiantly Sucks up the Meteor and Swallows it

It's Kirby, Kirby's Here after all!!!

Then Samus surprise attacks Sephoroth and Blasts his head off then Hero Kirby and Sabin all get in

Sabin:Stupid Natusme people

Sabin bumrushes Hero and hero lays on the ground paralyzed then Kirby sucks up sabin and shoots him out causing him to Go in and out of the ropes

Sabin:EEE!! III!! WOAH!!! OHH!!

Then Sabin stops and clotheslines Kirby which Leaves the little pink puff just a little e pond on the ground

Enraged Samus Jumps in and Lays a power bomb Which kills Hero, and Sabin

This is what we've all been Waiting for!! The battle between T.G.Cid... and Samus

Then samus jumps at Orlanu, but orlandu being much faster because of his excalibur rolls out of the way and slashes through Samus's Armor

Then Samus Get's out her newly designed super homing misstle and fires TG runs around the ring at such great speads that the misstle get's confused and goes into the audiance incenerating them all. Then TG Cid Called apon all things holy and Did holy explosion on Samus. This ripped her armor right off.

Emberased she runs into the locker room leaving Orlandu the Winner

Heh, looks like TG beat her in under 3 hours! |-P

Woah! what a fight that was, Surely 7 Game Rpg heros are dead. BUT MAN WAS IT WORTH IT!!!!
Orlandu:Wait! don't I win anything

umm... yes this great choclate cake that I was eating

Orlandu:GRR!!!

Umm... That's all we have for today folks BOOM! ahh!!

huh huh huh! see you next time where we can kill more people BOOM! ahh!!

That's what they get
...wow. Uhh, Tanzra who's our next entry from?

Umm...

...We do have another entry, RIGHT?

Yes, allow me to present...Future...Trunks? O_o

Oh no, not him...To those of you who only read the mailbag, FT is new to Mysidia...and he's a little...umm...let's just say he makes me look good. Hooh boy, here we go...*cringes*
Well, X, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to change your rules a bit. I don't like any games from Enix, Natsume, or Koei, meaning no choice of characters I like, so I'm gonna have to add Namco to the list. If you don't accept that, just stop reading.

*mutters something about manifest stupidity* First of, I clealy told you three times that Namco WAS in it! Secondly, h...how could you not like anyone from Enix or Natsume? Or Konami?! Godless heathen!
Nintendo's team-

A) The coolest RPG character of all time, Geno from SMRPG.

B) BOWSER!!!

C) Flareon, the coolest Pokémon of all the Pokémon. The cutest Pokémon of all the Pokémon. The strongest of all the Eevee-lutions. This guy's just awesome!
That could make a good mini-mailbag: What's the best Eevee-lution in your mind? Because in my opinion, Flareon was the weakest. Of course, in both the card game and the video game, Fire sucks, but Flareon is always a breeze to beat even considering he's fire. Go with Vaporeon, I always do.
Square's Team-

A) What do you know! They also brought Geno!!!

B) Steiner

C) Vivi, The feeble-minded Black Mage
Namco's Team

A) Kuma- Duh! He's a Bear!!!

B) Devil- Duh! He's a Devil!!!

C) King- Duh! He's a... he's a... he's Something!!!
It's time for the main event!

Drunken Crowd: Yeah!!!

The starting member of Nintendo's Tag Team, Bowser!!!

Drunken Crowd: WHOO!!!

In Square's Corner, Vivi!!!

Crowd: *murmurs*

Vivi: (thinking) I can't take a Physical enemy without a Physical ally! *gulp*

And for Namco, Devil! Let the match begin!!!

Vivi immediately rushes and tags Steiner in.

Steiner: Yeah!!!

Steiner runs to the fight between Devil and Bowser. Devil slashes at Bowser. Bowser counters with a Chomp Attack.

Devil: Is that your best shot?

Bowser: Nope! Drill Claw! *tears through Devil, leaving his still carcass on the ground* Fungah!

King jumps in to take the place of Devil, and watches the other two fight from a distance. They swipe back and forth for a while. And nothing drastic happens. This lasts for ten minutes. Kuma can not hold his bloodlust any longer, (after all, he IS a bear) and jumps into the ring, tearing through the contenders... even his ally! Kuma roars victoriously, and the Two Genos jump into the ring.

Geno: GENO FLASH!!!

Geno: GENO FLASH!!!

Kuma: Eep!

Kuma's gone and it's just Geno versus Geno.

Geno: GENO BLAST!!!

Geno: GENO BLAST!!!

Geno: GENO BLAST!!!

Geno: GENO BLAST!!!

Geno: GENO BLAST!!!

Geno: GENO BLAST!!!

Geno: (Thinking) Ooh boy, I'm out of FP....

Geno: (Thinking) I'm out of FP, ooh boy....

Geno: Uhh... SACRIFICER!!! *both Genos drop dead*
The winner.... who never exactly got into the ring is Flareon! Nintendo was victorious!!!
Well, that's what happened... alrighty then... *flies off*
Wait a minute! Where'd Vivi go?!?!?!

Flareon: Flare?

*A Huge Ice Crystal appears over Flareon's head.*

Vivi: Blizzara!!!

*SLAM*

Flareon: FLARE!!! *dies... I mean "faints"... yeah...that's right..."faints"...*

Well, It now looks like SquareSoft is the winner!

Kuma: YOU THINK TWO MEASLY GENO FLASHES WILL KILL KUMA??? KUMA IS INVINCIBLE!!!!

*Kuma looks hungrily at Vivi*

Enough of this! I have a Space Limit for this Mailbag, you know! TASE MY RAGNAROK BUSTER!!! *empties the charge he had going for 15 minutes onto Kuma*

Kuma: ... *burns. it's painful*

I pronounce Vivi/Square the winner. If any one else tries to change it, THEY GET TO TASTE MY RAGNAROK BUSTER TOO!!!

That should be the end. I don't think anyone wants to taste his Ragnarok Buster.

I doubt it tastes very good.
True dat, my dragonball little cretain, true dat. Anyway, as Macc did before, I kept a running tally of points for each company. The score went as follows:

1 point for 3rd place

2 points for 2nd place

3 points for victory
And here are the totals:

Capcom and Konami: 0! They didn't even make it on the board. Sadness considering Alucard could've made a killing.

Enix: 1. I hate you all now.

Namco: 2, thanks to Future Trunks' repeated ignroance (actually, I allowed Namco, but he didn't realize it)

Natsume: 4, thanks to Megaman984 giving them a well-deserved win. Why he didn't bother to use lufia 2, though, which rocked, well that's just wrong!

Nintendo: 6. Thanks to Dude for using our favorite Heroine. Kirby was against the rules but that's ok cuz Kirby Rocks! He SHOULD have his own RPG. So there. Respect.

And the winner, which everyone kinda guessed beforehand…
SQUARE WITH 7 POINTS! Easy when you compete in every battle |-P
And now, for the next week's mailbag: Cidolfas is looking for general stuff this week: talk about the new site, the new mailbag, the old mailbag, or generic RPG rants. Put some thoughtful insane humour into it, folks! I know I will! |-P

They go to the regular address this time, cidolfas@rpgclassics.com. Until then, this is MegamanX2K…

And your favorite lord of the darkness, Tanzra…

Signing off! |-P

HAHAH! You looked! April's fool!*Now run out after the crappy joke wich is crapier the second time around*