RPG Classics Mailbag

Previous Mailbags

Yo yo! Welcome to another faaaantabulous mailll bagggg! I'm your host, Jchaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarlemagne!

zzzz....

OOOGA BOOGA!

Bwahrgh!!!

HAHAHAHAHA!

Geez, what was that for?

Whats the story, morning glory?

I feel like I've slept for weeks.

Yeah, you missed the calimeet.

What? I slept through the whole thing? (and the last mailbag due date)

Yep, whole thing, I woulda woken you up, but you looked so comfy

Gee, you're so thoughtful. Well since I'm up could you enlighten me as to what this mailbag is about?

I dunno, I didnt make it. I'll go check.

RPGC Mailbag Topic For: August 1, 2004 Which character(s) would you not like to have as teachers? How bad would he/she/they be?

what kind of stupid topic is that? Stupid is the answer!

Well that's what you get for having other people make your topics.

They didnt ask me! They were supposed to just save the text file and load it to the topic I made in the staff forum but noooooo!

Well what's done is done and now I suppose we'll have to undo the damage by making a kickass mailbag, right?

Oh heavens no... BUT FIRST! Like two topics ago, or something, the one with the President, it's been so long, I've forgotten. I forced Jing into co-hosting some letters, and they weren't put up cuz some megajerks didn't follow my orders (HINT: it was SG and 984). Anyway, I had to import her from Sweden to get her here to help. But the letters were left on the cutting room floor. But, they have been re-added and digitally remastered in surround sound! Here dey are... Mailbag #117: Directors Special Edition Extravaganza!!!!!

Jing gets her own link cuz she's a girl, jealous?

Yes, I am...

Anyway, where were we?

Um, if I remember correctly, we're supposed to get these letters, and they were opened. I think something special happened when they were opened.

I dont know what you're talking about but here is a letter.

Ooh, let me open it! *opens*

Wow, that's rather mundane.

Hoi, chummer. GG Crono here.
What character would be the worst teacher? Probobly Kefka. Could you imagine? Randomly bursting out into fits of manical laughter, poisoning the water fountains, blasting the stupid students into oblivion with that Light of Judgement type thingy...

...actually, that last one doesn't sound too bad. Bring on the Kefka! :D

I could think of a few people from high school that deserved the Light of Judgement.

Schooooooooools out for the summer! He'd be a crappy teacher, but a cool principal.

Wow, now Alice Cooper would make a great teacher!

Yeah, I wouldn't know.

He could teach us all about the Native Americans and how to rock! What a combo!

Vaaaaaaague refrence, there, buddy...

Well if anyone gets the vaaaague reference and mails us the answer for the next mailbag first, you get a cookie.... and it proves that you read the mailbag.

Next letter!

Super Pierson Power Activate! Mailbag Reply Mode! N'stuff!
I think Kefka would be a horrible teacher to have. For a start he'd probably just blow up everyone he didn't like. Then when he was trying to teach if someone didn't immediately understand he'd blow them up as well. After the class had been reduced to a few elite survivors he'd probably sacrifice them in some ancient spell to take over the world. That's why he'd suck. I wouldn't mind Quistis for a teacher. You know she carries that whip for a reason other than killin'. ;D

Well that's 2 for Kefka

yeah, realllly original, Pie. You obviously copied from GGcrono!

The scandal! You'll be hearing from my robot soon!

Go to the principals office!

danger!

Get back in the house, Robot!

Danger!

Get back in the house!

Danger!

Get back in the friggin house!

Danger!

Shut the hell up! *takes out bazooka!*

Dangerdangerdangerdangerdangerdanger!

*fires bazooka* KABOOOOM!

Dangerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!*sputter*

All right!

You blew up my robot!

So aaaaaanyway, this one is by I dont know who, but they think they're funnier than us!

...

Pyremon Inferos!

Worst RPG character teacher I can think of is X-Death or Kefka.

Let's see what happens with X-Death as a teacher:

X-Death: Now, who can give me the answer of (insert super-advanced equation here)?

Kid: 14?

X-Death: Wrong! For your stupidity I'm banishing you to the Void forever!!!!
*X-Death casts X-Zone on the kid. The kid vanishes when a wavy portal opens up and sucks him in as it closes*

X-Death: Fwa ha ha ha! Now, who can tell me the RIGHT answer? (pause) If no one answers, you're ALL going to join your little friend!

~~

Now let's hear it for the amusing, but no less competant Mr. Palazzo!

Kefka: Now, answer: Who was the finest, and most competant and handsome ruler of the entire world?

Student: I... I don't know.
Kefka: YOU. DON'T.... KNOW?! *slams his fist on the student's desk* Have you ever listened in class? Have you even a glimmer of intelligence in that idiot skull?!

Student 2: It's you, Mr. Palazzo!
Kefka: Yes! Mwee hee hee! I'm the correct answer! Uwwwaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa!

Student 3: You're ALWAYS the correct answer!

Kefka: Yes! I am! Mwee hee hee! *glares* Got a problem with that?

Student: You don't teach us anything important! All you teach us is different ways to praise you.

Kefka: And you're saying that's NOT important?! How DARE you think my teaching isn't the best teaching! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU!!!!!

The third student is suddenly blasted from above by the Light Of Judgement.

Kefka: Mwee hee heeee! Soooo, who else wants to question my teaching methods?!
~~

No further comment. X-Death and Kefka would not make particularly good teachers. But then again, anyone who's seen Final Fantasy A+ knows you can't rule out regular teachers, either as potential troublesome teachers in an RPG setting :P

Soooooo....

Well it seems people seem to be reaching a consensus here. That's 3 for Kefka.

One more for kefka, and they die!

That's for those of you at home with your official Mailbag score card. If you don't have one e-mail Merlin at merlin@rpgclassics.com to complain!

Don't do that. Bug Merlin about me not being a mod.

That's also a good topic to complain about.

I'm not gonna play on a loooosing team, next time I play friggin' capture the flag.

I lost you on that one.

You mean I lost you?

Or that. You've befuddled me so much I don't know what I'm saying!

Cool!

Sooo, you going to explain it to me or what?

...No...

Fine, leave me in the dark. Like all the other times you've left me in the dark. I'm so mad that I think I'm going to open a letter myself.

OK, go for it.

Hejsan ! I skolan hittade jag en CD skiva som innehöll bl.a denna skärmsläckare. En lärare som råkade kasta ett öga på den avfärdade dess innehåll som ren rasistisk propaganda. Själv tycker jag inte att det är något att orda om. Vore tacksam för din uppfattning. Tack på förhand.

HAAAAHAAAA! you got the swedish letter!

It all makes perfect sense to me though.

Does it?

She's talking about the fjords and the majestic moose that you can carve your initials into.

What?

Watch more movies, dammit!

Whatever.

Anyway, the next e-mail is from the first person who personally e-mailed me, Zoneseek!

Hi!
Okay to answer your mailbag question - definitely Kefka. He would be the worst! He would verbally abuse you, kick sand on your shoes during gym, poison the cafeteria food...and finally ambush the principal and take over as supreme leader of the school. This is assuming that he doesn't burn the school to the ground while the senior class president (named Edgar I think), stands by making other plans with his bro Sabin......
Well enough said. Kefka would be crappy as a teacher.
Zoneseek =)

The trend continues. I think this is, like, 8 votes for Kefka and 0 for everyone else.

grrrrrr

What makes Charlemagne so upset?

THERE ARE OTHER CHARACTERS IN RPGS!!! How bout Master Belch or somthing?!

*buuuuuuuuuuuuurp!*

oh jeez

Yuck, of all the people you had to say him?

I friggin' hate that game, wheres that destructo robot?!

You blew him up, remember?

I REMEMBER!

*sputter*

*throws a rock at Master Belch* Get outta here, everyone was having a good time TILL YOU SHOWED UP! JUST GET OUT! WE DONT LIKE YOU!!! NOBODY LOVES YOU!

Let's ignore him, maybe he'll go away.

Umm, did we do the professor?

Does he have anything interesting to say or did he just pick Kefka?

Actually... NO! HE DIDNT!

First of all, we must consider the political implications of each character.
I have so far narrowed the candidates for Prime Minister down to two characters:
1) Sephiroth.
I believe Sephiroth would make an excellent Prime Minister for the following reasons:
1. He stands up for what he believes is right, and refuses to back down.
2. He has powerful powers at his beck and call.
3. There would be no opposition; they would most likely end up dead.
4. He has a cool theme song.

My next character would be:
2) Auron
My reasons this time are as follows:
1) Auron seems to have a way of convincing others to do things.
2) Auron would not hesitate to fight for our country.
3) Auron cannot die; for he is already dead.
4) You WANT to vote for Auron.

In conclusion, I believe Auron should be Prime Minister of our country, which, by the way, rocks better than all the other countries. Auron for Prime Minister!
Yours most sincerely
Professor B Hedginson
Cambridge University

AH SHIT! THATS FROM THE OLD MAILBAG!

So technically he didn't say someone other than Kefka... That means Kefka is still at: a lot, and everyone else is at: not as much.

OK, well the last mailbag was... who should be president. Well, the Prof. is right; they'd be great presidents.

True that, Auron would scare the hell out of me if we were in a debate.

I never played that game.

I'd say something and he'd be like "Enough!" and I'd be like "Yes sir!" *whimper*

ENOUGH!

*whimper*

*sneer* All right, the next letter is by Joe and or Evil Joe. He's always a delight.

hey guys,
*throws a grenade at Davey*
and now that that's taken care of, on with the reply
Evil Joe: U, Joe....
Joe: what?
Evil Joe: he threw it back
Joe: he did, did he?
Evil Joe: yep
Joe: well, don't be rude, pick it up while I get on with the reply
Evil Joe: yeah right, like I'm going to pike up a live grenade!!!
Joe: you will if you want to throw it back
Evil Joe: y-you mean I get to use a grenade?!? to blow stuff up???!
Joe: yes, now let me talk
I think Sephiroth would be the WORST teacher ever, his class would start with 37 students, and end with 3. but somehow, no one transferred out or flunked out, get the picture? and....nope, that's it
well bye *disappears engulfed in black flames* (I am NOT on fire!!)
Evil Joe: finally I get to do some evil!! with this grenade I will blow up the RPGC Mailbag Ahahahahahahah!!!
....wait.....!!!!
*is blown to smithereens because he held the grenade too long*

He esploded you.

I'm feeling the love.

Aahhhh! He didnt esplode you. I thought he'd really do it.

No but he blew up the whole mailbag. Does that mean it's over?

Yeah, I'm afraid it does.

What an anti-climax. That's something this mailbag suffers from.

MORE LIKE SOMETHING YOUR MOM SUFFERS FROM!

...

NEXT MAILBAG HIIIIIIIIINT! The topic is "What rpg would you like to see made into a movie?"

Ooh, ooh! I know I know!

ENOUGH!

*whimper*