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Call Me A Treasurhunter Ladies,
gentlemen, deities of a draconic nature, robots and... um, whatever SG is, let
me introduce you to the musical which received rave reviews in no less than
zero major newspapers! Prepare yourself for the vomit-inducing extravaganza
known as "Call Me a Treasure Hunter!" Now would
be a good time to note that anything in parentheses are not sung, but are
instead either spoken or stage directions. Also note that I have no musical
talent, so pretend the songs are all right, OK? Dramatic
Personae: Kain
Highwind Dekar Aerith Gainsborough Squall
Leonheart Crono Locke Cole Nadia
Guardia Gobi Taloon
Torneko Cecil
Harvey Celes Chere Karn Yuffie
Kinsaragi Bow Setzer
Gabianni Guybrush
Threepwood Faris
Tycoon Bikke Vyse the
Legend Kefka
Palazzo (Our scene
opens up in the slums of Midgar. A small group of poorer class citizens, led by
the master "treasure hunter" Locke Cole, are going about their daily
business. For Locke, life the past few weeks has been especially harsh, and
he's starting to lose hope for the future. Cue song: "Skid Row" from
Little Shop of Horrors) Kain: Alarm goes off at seven And you start uptown. You put in your eight hours For the powers that have always been. Till it's five P.M. Then You go Squall: Downtown, where the folks are
broke. Downtown, where your life's a joke. Downtown, when you buy your token, you go Home to skid row. Dekar: Yes, you go Downtown, where the cabs don't stop Downtown, where the food is slop Downtown, where the hop-heads flop in the
snow Down on Skid Row Squall: Uptown you cater to a million
jerks. Uptown you're messengers and mailroom
clerks Eating all your lunches at the hot dog
carts. The bosses take your money And they break your hearts. Crono: Uptown you cater to a million
whores. You disinfect terrazzo on their bathroom
floors. Your morning's tribulation, afternoon's a
curse And five o'clock is even worse That's when you go Aerith: Downtown, where the guys are drips. Downtown, where they rip your slips. Downtown, where relationships are no go. Down on skid row All: Down on skid row, down on skid row Down on skid row, down on skid row! Locke: Poor! All my life I've always been
poor. I keep asking God what I'm for, And he tells me "Gee, I'm not sure,
sweep that floor, kid." Oh, I started life as an orphan, a child
of the street Here on skid row. He took me in, gave me shelter, a bed, Crust of bread and a job Treats me like dirt, calls me a slob,
Which I am... Not! Someone show me a way to get outa here, 'Cause I constantly pray I'll get outta
here Please, won't somebody say I'll get outta
here Someone gimme my shot or I'll rot here. Here on skid row... (The cast
shuffles off stage as a few nobles make their way on stage. They don't seem
very happy to be here, but this is the only place where eccentric millionaire
Setzer Gabianni will meet them. Looking at the filth, they become smug in their
possessions or some other "materialistic is bad" type message thing.
Cue song: "It's Good to Be Rich", imperialistic tone) Nadia: There are some who are content To be lying in the streets With a crust of bread and cheap booze at
their side. I have slightly higher tastes And can afford to indulge From the mansion wherein which I do
reside. CHORUS: It's good to be rich It's good to be rich Oh yes, it's good to be rich. Taloon: There are some who make do With whatever they find Scrounging for a penny or two While at home I sit And count all my gold Such a "taxing" job for me to
do. CHORUS Gobi: Such a dirty place They should hire a maid And maybe a bath once in a while. You'd never catch me in such a poor
state... (Locke
bumps into Gobi "accidentally") Hey! Why you! I'll... (Taloon
calms Gobi down by handing him a wad of money. Gobi coos.) CHORUS
(A few
minutes go by while Taloon and Nadia explain the scene and why they're there.
They make passing reference to Gobi's upcoming marriage to Setzer's daughter,
Celes. Suddenly, Gobi realizes that his money purse is gone. Cue song:
"Stop, Thief!" - frantic pace) Gobi: My pouch! It was here and now it's gone. I
know I brought it with me, Kept it close to me, So there is only A single solitary Explanation. It was that scruffy, disreputable Thief. (Locke:
Treasure Hunter!) Whatever. I need a policeman! Gendarme! Copper! Police, police! You surely have to cease The running of that beast Who stole to say the least My pouch full of valuables. That damn thief. (Locke,
Squall, Kain: Treasure Hunter!) Whatever. Cecil: Halt! Stay where you are! I've been charged with a task So in glory I can bask I've got a few questions to ask Maybe over a cask Of ale? So would you stop running now, please? Bloody thief. (All
except Cecil and Gobi: Treasure Hunter!) Whatever! (Locke
leads Cecil, Captain of the Midgar Militia, on a merry trek through the stage.
It's entertaining. I wish you could see it. Oh well. Anyway, Locke finds
himself under the windowsill of a very beautiful woman. You guessed it - Celes.
Cue song: "My Heart's Been Stolen" - romantic ballad) Locke: Ten minutes ago, I was perfectly
fine, Ignorant of the beauty on this world. But now I find that my life has been
turned upside-down. My mind is running loose, with poems of
love For my heart's been stolen. I just trudged through, my days full of
nothing But concern for getting my next meal. Now I would starve myself willingly just
for you. My smile is getting wider, as I finally
find That my heart's been stolen. What could I do, to make her notice me? What could I get , to show my love? What could I say, in properly honouring
her? How should I meet, with my cooing dove? Ten minutes have passed, and I'm still in
shock As I gaze on the beauty of this world My life is still recovering from being
turned upside-down. My mind still repeats, golden words of
love And my heart's been stolen... (Cecil
arrives and drags Locke off. Celes notices him, and seems to be in awe.
Realistic? No. But who cares? Scene change to the Midgar Pit o' Despair, the
holding cells for captured thieves. Locke laments his state for a few minutes -
after trying unsuccessfully to pick the cell's lock - before a wall opens up.
Out steps Yuffie, who leads Locke to a magical place where all dreams come
true. He's met by Karn. Locke: Who are you? How did I get
here? Karn: Those questions shall be
answered in time. Just know that you're safe here. Locke: But where's here? Cue song:
"The Thieves' Guild" - show-stopper) Yuffie: Up in the streets we're chased and
hunted down, Caught and paraded right before we get
the axe. We need a place where the police fear to
tread Somewhere we can be free to just relax. Bow: I see the beggars chase me down and
try to kill me Just for a loaf of bread I stole myself. I need a place where I can eat and not be
worried That food in the open won't be harmful to
my health. Karn: So the thieving community gathers
here To hide and safeguard our plunders. And now you've been invited to be one of
us. Locke Cole, will you join our numbers? (Locke:
What are you saying?) Yuffie: For a while we've been watching,
concealed in the shadows. Bow: For you see, we had to be
absolutely assured. Karn: Your fine reputation, for doing the
best work. Yuffie: Your skills, they're just as good
as we heard. Bow: You're a foundation on which we
would like to build. Karn: To make this story short, we want
you to join us in the Thieves' Guild. (Locke:
But I'm a treasure hunter! Yuffie: Sure, and I'm the Queen of Coneria. Bow: (bowing) Your Majesty!) Karn: It's not like we're asking for you
to kill. You're a skilled, but sensitive creature. Besides, you're much more valuable with
no bounty on your head. We want you to become a teacher. (Locke:
A teacher?! Karn: Think of it - Locke Cole's School
of Hard Knocks, Soft Feet, and Sticky Fingers! The greatest thieving academy in
the known worlds! Locke: But I'm... Bow: We know, we know. Will you do it? Locke: ...why not? Yuffie: Great! Now we just need the boss'
OK. Locke: The boss?) (Meanwhile,
above the sprawling alleyways of the slums, the most influential man in all of
Midgar is wringing his hands. Completely flustered, Setzer is waiting for the
bride to be prepared for her wedding. Cue song - "Wedding Bells Are
Ringing") Setzer: So excited, I've got no time to
spare As my hair's being prepared Have to prep the ushers God, I'm flustered. My only daughter's finally getting
married! CHORUS: Wedding bells are ringing I'm so happy that I'm singing It's a marriage made in heaven, that's
for sure! Wedding bells are ringing And my heart within me's springing! So my family line can continue to endure! I worried that I'd die before this day Not live to give my girl away But now I'm buoyed, No, overjoyed I just hope everything goes as it
should... CHORUS
Have to prep the ushers God, what wonder! My daughter's finally settling down! My daughter's finally getting married
now! (Setzer
finishes with a flourish, only to have one of his servants - Kain - inform him
that Celes is missing! (All right, who didn't see that one coming?) Setzer
instantly believes that she's been kidnapped, and goes in search of someone
who's able to find her... END OF DISK ONE. PLEASE INSERT DISK TWO.) Maintained by: |
