by Ersatz Sobriquet
should try not to be so courageous,
should try not to be so courageous.
Alien Ant Farm- Courage
This stinks. Here I am,
stuck with these fools who think they can take on anyone instead of being at
home relaxing by the cool river. My cool river. Boy do I miss those
days. Doing nothing all day, eating berries and sipping cool water. Listening
to the birds sing songs, the river gurgling along, watching the forest animals
do their thing, et cetera, et cetera. But now I’m stuck here with these nuts.
“All right you little
babies,” the gray imp yells at us. “Tonight we begin our first raid. Our prey
is located in the northern forest. So sharpen your weapons... we fight in
Sharpen our weapons?! What
weapons?!! These little knives are no match for... for anything!! What do they
think they’re going to cut with these little dinky things, much less kill
something?!?! This is the dumbest thing I was ever pulled into. How did I get into
this mess in the first place? Oh yeah, I remember. It was that day when I was
sitting next to my cool, relaxing river soaking up some sun when some human
runs through my garden, trampling on my flowers might I add, with these other
imps chasing him. Seems like he stole some stuff from some imps and they
weren't to happy with that. Of course he got away. Why wouldn’t he get
away? I don’t know how imps who are two feet tall expect to catch someone who
is twice their size.
During his escape, he ended
up killing two imps and injuring three others. And since this was the fifth
time a human, the same human too, ‘committed such a great folly, there is
nothing more to do but destroy them all!’ Those were the words the great
counsel recited. And thus when I was enrolled as one of the human’s practice
dummy. The ‘great’ counsel gave us some weapons for us to practice with and now
we were to be ‘trained’ in how to use them.
The so-called plan is to
practice killing other things first, smaller things before we actually go out
and kill a human. Once we killed our first human, we would kill all of the
humans and conquer the whole world... that was the plan. Grandiose? Oh yeah.
Stupid? Even more so. What’s worse about this whole, quote unquote “mission” is
that we’re not even told what our first prey is going to be. What is it, a
wolf? A Ogre? A Wizard?? I shudder to think so. I doubt we could even kill
ourselves much less anything as big as that.
Our unit is squad 3. There
never was a squad “1” or “2”, so I don’t know why we’re even called “3”. Just
another example of how stupid this whole thing is. I say we just talk to the
humans and establish some sort of trade with them, or should I say him, seeing
as how it’s the same guy raiding our supplies. Since he obviously wants
whatever it is we have so badly, that would be the perfect way they would be
able to keep this imp from losing his life in this silly little “game” the head
counsel is playing with us. But then again, this is silly little Rikne talking
here, so what do I know...
It’s late, dark, damp and
I’m tired. I’d rather be at home resting on my soft fur bed instead of romping
through the forest with these slap happy fools. And what are we looking for? A
prey whom identity continues to remain in a shroud of mystery. Are we really
going to kill this foe with these toy knives? What th…? Is the
gold plate on the handle rubbing off on my hand?! This is such a cheap piece of
crap. Oh, how I hate this little trek.
Our so called “squad 3” is
housed up of five imps, including me all wielding the same weak weapons. Even
our armor is weak. The only thing a human has to do is kick one of us, and we
would probably die from the shoddy way the armor is constructed. The metal will
probably run us through! In fact, if we tripped I bet we would be bruised! Ahh,
but I digress.
A captain heads our unit, a
gray imp that had supposedly been in a lot of battles in his days. That’s a lot
of bull. The only thing that fat imp ever fought was trying to keep a chicken
leg in his greasy little paws.
“Okay people,” the gray imp
bellows out. As he talks, little bits of food fall off the side of his mouth.
“Our target is just over that hill. Over the past couple of nights, he’s been
in our sights and it should be noted that this enemy is a very slippery foe.
Very fast. Agile as well.”
As he says this, some of
the imps start to murmur to themselves.
“Now this foe has been in
the same vicinity for the past two days, so tonight we attack! This is the
perfect opportunity to hone in all of your fighting skills. A fierce, deadly,
and a pure killer is what we’re up against, no doubt. Any questions from any of
you little suckers?!”
One of the other imps
speaks up, “Yeah, I got a question. What did this creature ever do to us?”
“It continually raids our
bushes and continues to steals our vital resources!” the gray imps bellows in a
We all just look at each
other. What the freak is this nut talking about??!! We have vital resources in
our bushes? This makes no sense. We don’t even know each other’s name!
For some strange reason, we’re not suppose to know each other according to the
counsel, because we ‘possibly might become too attached to each other and try
to conspire a plan to overthrow the counsel of reason.’ I ain’t ever heard such
a big pile of crap like that before I heard that line. You know what the
counsel of reason consists of? Some big, lazy middle aged imps lounging around
all day, “solving” any problem imps may have. The only one’s who would want to
overthrow them is all the imps they gave bad advice to. Which would probably be
about 90 percent of the population.
We carefully slide through
the forest, trying to avoid any kind of threat that might occur and stir up as
little attention to ourselves as we possibly can. Finally when we reach the
location, the Sergeant yells ‘attack’ and we all just leap out into the clear
and see a figure in the center of the field. Lurching forward, I can see the
other guys impaling the poor victim with their jagged little knives. Whatever
it is they’re killing, they’re having a hard time. I was to be one of those
five guys to kill the “beast”, but I wasn’t about to kill something for no
apparent reason. The imps undoubtedly feel power now. Looking at them stabbing
that sad little “foe” is ridiculous. Blood is spraying everywhere.
I guess the “foe” is dead.
They’re backing away. Boy, their
clothes are stained, faces marred with blood and, what’s that, white fur? Let
me see what they slaughtered. What the... a rabbit?? They killed a rabbit?
This was our prey? It took four imps to kill a rabbit?!!
“Okay fellas, ya did a
great job! This was only our first test. Tomorrow we will be fighting an even
bigger prey. Did you feel the blood racing through your body? Did you feel like
you could take anything on? Well, I hope you did, cause tomorrow will be one of
the big ones. Tomorrow we’ll be going after an even bigger enemy. I know you
guys are ready for this. So just...”
They killed a rabbit? A
rabbit?? How are we going to kill a, an Ogre, or a Wizard, or even a human
if we have trouble killing a rabbit??
“Excuse me,” I interrupted.
“ Just what the heck do you think you are trying to pull here?”
“Excuse me?” the
sergeant eyes grow wide. “Are you questioning my methods?”
“Yeah, I’m questioning your
silly little methods! How the freak do you think we’re going to ‘hone’ our
fighting skills huntin’ a little rabbit?”
“Yeah, since when were
rabbits deadly killers?” another imp speaks up, trying to remove most of the
blood that splashed into his hair.
Walking up to the last imp
who spoke, towering a couple of inches over him, he said very slowly “If you
ever question my methods again, I will personally kill you.”
“But I ain’t question your
methods,” the imp said, shaking a little. “He did, remember?” he finished
pointing to me.
The sergeant looked at me
through his icy eyes. It seemed like he was staring right through my very soul.
He pointed at me, shook his finger and said, “You just watch yourself.”
It’s the following day and
we’ve been now marching for six hours trying to find some stupid humans. And
it’s dark again. It must be close to midnight. I doubt we’re ever going to find
any humans around these parts, especially since this is the northern most part
away from Corneria castle. And especially since it’s late at night! Boy
I wish I was near my river now. I can just feel the cool water running down the
side of my face. The simple enjoyment I get from watching the water flow by...
I don’t think anyone could ever understand. Suddenly, the sergeant tells us to
get down. I guess he saw something that we didn’t. But, we still oblige.
“Our target is over this
clearing,” the sergeant loudly whispers to us. “The group is a little larger
than we originally anticipated, but I think that we will be able to wipe these
little punks out!” he finishes, pumping his fist in the air.
“Um, just how ‘little’ is
little, sergeant?” one of the imps ask.
“About four,” he replies,
almost saying it as if we should of known.
A blank look falls across
all our faces and at least two of us look back to where we came from, wanting
to go back. Really soon.
“Don’t worry bout it, you
fools. You can take ‘em on.” he ‘reassures’ us. “For god’s sake, it’s six of
us! What, yall little babies think we can’t win??”
course no one responds. “Good. Now let’s kill these little fagots!” and with
that, he burst through the bushes, with the other four following, and me at the
This four was a strange
group. One was obviously a fighter of some sorts, dressed in thick, red armor
carrying a long sword. The other was a guy who seemed like he studied, um, I
think they call it “marital arts” or something. I guess he marries people for a
living. He’s wearing a blue shirt and brown pants. The other two are both
dressed in robes, one wearing a black one while the other dons white robe. They
only barely glanced at us before they took out their weapons. Once they
commenced in their fighting stance, I really knew we didn’t have any chance
against these guys.
One of our imps is now
attacking, yelling a deafening war cry and with his weapon swings violently at
the guy with the blue shirt. But he misses and his foe quickly retaliates and
strikes him with his bare fists. Before the he could even get up, the fighter
stabs him with his sword. I can tell he won’t be getting up.
The sergeant charges right
after the imp dies, as if it is his turn and slices a huge wound in the side of
the fighter and then in the face, causing the fighter to fall and roll away
from the sergeant. Alright, at least we connected. I guess the sergeant thinks
that he can finish him off cause he’s now running up to the fighter with his
knife raised, ready for the final kill.
Oh my god, lighting just
struck him! And it’s a clear night, not a cloud in the sky!! He’s now on the
ground, twitching still holding the knife in his hands with the lighting still
coursing throughout his body. Humans have this kind of power??!!
The one in the white robe
hands’ is now glowing and is pointing to the downed fighter. He’s getting up?
What happened to his wounds?? What did she do, heal him??! We are definitely
not ready for this. There is now only three of us and four of them. I know that
the other imps are thinking about running away, because I sure am.
Mother of the River, one of
our imp, the one standing right next to me just burst up in flames. No, no, no,
no I am out of here! I have to tell the last one what I am going
to do. And since the sergeant can’t stop me, I can actually say what’s on my
mind. “Hey, we gotta get out of here,” I yell, “Or they’ll kill us, too!”
He’s laughing. Why is he
laughing? “Maybe they’ll kill you, but they won’t live to reap the
satisfaction!” he says in his hoarse voice. I guess it makes sense he would say
that. He seemed like the only one that was into this whole
“Watch how easily I kill
these little bastards,” he finishes as he spits to the side and begins to run
He’s charging up with his
knife and.... he also misses. The fighter just tripped him and stuck his
sword in his back. Hey, that’s not fair fighting... like it really matters now.
Forget this, I’m leaving.
Where to, I don’t know. But I have to get out of here, now. I know, I can go
back to the counsel of reason and tell them what happened. Maybe tell them to
call this crazy little shning-ding off. Yeah, that’s it. Once they find out how
powerful humans really are, they’ll have to see reason. I mean, that is what
they’re all about, no?
No. The town... It’s up in
flames! The fires’ running rampant throughout the town. I can’t do nothin’,
either. Who could it have bee..... urk! Sharp pain. My knife, it’s gone... In
my back. Someone... musta stuck me wit it. Can’t stand. Gotta... sit. Can’t
control myself, gotta fall.
Who, who did this?
*Cough* Blood coming out of my mouth.
Who did this? Someone’s going through my pockets. I gotta stop him. Who is it?
It’s that thief. He musta done this. Can’t see clearly. No, he’s... taking my money, and my
talisman. No.. stop, I...
Oh, this is strange. It
feels like I’m by my river. So cool. So tired. And there’s no more pain. Oh,
this feels good. I think I’ll stay here and rest for awhile. So comfortable...
I always wondered about those little imps you fought in Final
Fantasy I, and why some would just run away from you, even if their whole posse
was there. Then I got to thinkin’ that maybe some of the imps didn’t want to
even fight, but were forced and then this story developed. Hope you all enjoyed
this little short rendition of thoughts a fellow imp may have came across.