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Defenders of Fanfiction
by d_Galloway

It all began during a warm spring day. King Valkyrie Esker and Queen Weiila ruled the Land of Fanfiction with a rather limp iron fist. Chris of the Brood and Fou-Lu took a vacation from the police force, so Poke got stuck with some loser slob from outside of RPGC. Galloway tried to get appointed as the official Captain of the Guard, but Starstorm got it instead (since he was sleeping with the person hiring to begin with). PC Glenton continued his reign of stealing and thievery, while everyone else got drunk and played ping pong.


Glenton snuck his way through the elaborate defenses of the Castle of Fanfiction, dodging a shitload of guards, security cameras, laser tripwires, gun turrets, and other various traps and security gizmos. Finally, he reached his target: the stairway leading to the deepest levels of the Castle.

He snuck down the stairs, and reached the only unguarded room in the entire castle. It was none other than the room containing the entrance to the vault, in which the Treasures of Fanfiction were guarded.

After cracking the last bit of security on the door, and opening the vault, he prepared to steal all the greatest treasures the fanfiction world had ever known. He took one step inside, and found mountains of gold, jewels, and other treasures. In the far back were the 13 pedastals, on which the Treasures of Fanfiction were placed...

Only they weren't there anymore.

Furious, Glenton ran to the pedastals for a closer look. That's when he saw something in the corner; a shadow that melted away into the wall, dissapearing completely. Then he felt Gungnir run through his chest, and saw Val run into the room, just before he died.


"And that's what happened, Poke," said Weiila. "I revived him in the next room, in case you want to question him yourself."

"My new partner will be back in a few minutes," said Poke. "We'll deal with it then." Val, meanwhile, read what Poke had written about his new partner: he was apparantly a complete drunk, a horrible-looking man, had no sense of fashion, and solved all crimes by randomly doing things, then going on a killing spree. In other words, he sounded just fine for RPGC.


Galloway slowly walked into the next town, totally devoid of anything resembling stamina. The wreakage of the ice cream stand laid behind him, a grim reminder of two things: one, don't get in Galloway's way when he's in a bad mood, and two, don't put sprinkles on his kiddie cone when he doesn't ask for them.

However, the town was in even worse shape than the ice cream stand. Bodies were tossed everywhere, beaten practically beyond recognition. Walls and entire buildings were smashed into fine rubble, while the once proud livestock and crops were burned to ash. The entire place looked like a couple thousand flaming tornados had struck it.

That's when he saw the shadowy figure, holding a large hammer. The figure glanced at him, revealing red, flaming eyes. It then dissapeared, just as Galloway recognized the weapon it was using:

The Hammer of Crossovers.

Realizing what he had to do, Galloway quickly prepared his milk and called Mr. T.


Poke and Val were just about to shock PC's groin into oblivion when Mr. T's van smashed through the nearby wall. Galloway was thrown out the side, and the van vanished in a blur, destroying half of the police station in the process.

"The hell?" said Poke. PC, meanwhile, quickly escaped and ran through the destroyed wall.

"We have...a problem," gasped Galloway. "The Treasures...have been...stolen."

"Well, DUH!" shouted Val. "What the hell did you think we were doing here? PC stole the Treasures!"

"No...," gasped Galloway. "It wasn't...PC. It was...some...shadowy figure..." He then collapsed, and Weiila quickly began to heal him.


PC continued to run blindly, desperately trying to escape. However, he didn't see the guy grab him and pull him into the car until it was too late.

His abductor turned out to be a fat, disgusting slob. His hair looked like a comb had never touched it for years, his face was nothing more than three layers of fat, and his clothes looked like something lifted from a bad episode of the Rockford Files. About eighty or so beer cans filled the back seat, leaving the rear window barely visible.


"Do you expect us to believe that?" asked Val. "We caught Glenton in the act! There's no way-"

"You've been under a lot of stress, Gallo," said Weiila. "Maybe you've been seeing things."

Galloway looked at Val. "Did PC have the Treasures on him?"

"No, but that doesn't matter!" said Val. "He could have thrown them somewhere..."

"Val, you know that vault better than anyone," said Galloway. "There's only one way in, and that's through the vault door. The walls are solid gold, with several hundred tons of concrete reinforcing them. There was no way of PC getting down to the vault, getting the treasure, and getting out in five minutes. Besides, those treasures weight a lot; PC isn't that strong to grab all of them at once."

"Don't use your logic here!" said Val. "This is Glenton we're talking about!"

The door opened, and the slob brought PC in. "This is the guy who ran off, right?" asked the slob.

"Thanks," said Poke, "but we've cleared him. Anyway, we have a bigger problem."

"Who the crap are you?" asked Weiila.

"Name's Mitchell," said the slob. "What's yours?"


The shadowy figure, wearing the Imagination Glasses, watched the action in the town below him. The townspeople were, naturally, unaware of his shadowy presence. That is, until he finally did something:

He put on the Armlet of Constructive Criticism and fired a massive beam of pure black energy. The Armlet shook and buckled under the swarm of energy, apparantly adding to its effect somehow. Within half a second, the entire town was vaporized into dust. The figure then descended to feed on what energy was left.


"Detective Poke!" shouted one of the lowly officers. "We just recieved word that another town was attacked!"

Poke grabbed the report, took one good look, and sighed. "You know, these vaporizations and stuff just don't affect me emotionally anymore," he said.

"There's got to be a connection," said Starstorm (he was in the castle when PC was killed, so he naturally came along). "Why steal the Treasures and THEN go on a killing spree?"

"It might have something to do with us having them," said Galloway. "Perhaps whoever it was is afraid of what these could do to him?"

"That's not important right now," said Poke. "We just need to find this guy before any more civilians die. We have three possible leads..."

"Wait a fucking second!" shouted Val. "You mean, you HAD a vague idea about what was going on, AND YOU DIDN'T FUCKING TELL US ABOUT IT?!"

"...I forgot," said Poke. Everyone fainted, except for Mitchell, who was still drinking another beer.

"Anyway," continued Poke, "we have three areas we should check out. Galloway and PC, you guys check out the nearby Canadian settlement. Weiila, Star and Val should go check out a deserted area a few miles from the Valley Lodge. Finally, Mitchell, I want you to do a stakeout on a multi-millionaire in the suburbs. We don't know why, but it just seems like you won't screw up on that."


Weiila, Star and Val began to drive along miles of endless roads, the many fields and pastures passing by them as if they were nothing more than meaningless montages. Also, even though they were going on a highway, they were moving no more than 20 miles an hour. Needless to say, it was a boring hell. The only wierd thing was the filing cabinet Val had brought with her...


Galloway and PC drove to the Canadian Settlement. Naturally, the place was strangely quiet, save for the occasional savage hockey-related riot...which occured once every ten seconds. They just continued to drive through the broken buildings and destroyed streets, until they finally found some kind of activity.

A bunch of tank top-wearing thugs, complete with black ski masks and shiny machetes, moved around a random warehouse, not doing anything in particular. However, the other figure was none other than the shadowy figure from before. They got out of the car and approached, but as they did, the shadowy figure dissapeared, and the thugs quickly surrounded them.


Poke continued to scan through various papers, trying desperately to find a lead. Unfortunately, his back was to the door, so someone easily snuck in and grabbed his mouth.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightning zapped the assailant off. A Pikachu, complete with a security guard uniform, appeared from nowhere and zapped the guy until he ran. Poke sighed, packed Pikachu into a Pokeball, and went back to reading files.


Poke took Mitchell down to the mansion, which was only ten blocks from the police station. In front was another car, as well as various bags of excess cash. "His name's Wilfredo Martinez," said Poke. "He was involved in a big hijacking operation in RPGCity, during which ten kilos of hardcore pornography were taken, as well as a kilo of heroin."

"Which are we worried about?" asked Mitchell. "The porn or the heroin?"

"The porn, mostly," said Poke, "seeing as how it was headed for President Merlin's secret stash, but the heroin is important, too." He then looked back at the mansion. "This may seem like a joke, but Wilfredo is no joke, my friend. Nobody steps on Wilfredo, because he steps on people, and he has a big shoe." Mitchell left the car and got in the other one, and Poke drove off.


"Any ideas, Galloway?" asked PC. The masked canadians were quickly closing in, their blood filled with primal rage.

Galloway pointed towards the distance and shouted, "Look! A big elephant!" The thugs didn't even bend their heads at this. Galloway sighed, "Well, I'm out of ideas."


"Okay, Val," said Weiila, "what's in the filing cabinet?"

"Well..." began Val. The cabinet, however, sprang open, and a small child rolled out. Remarkably, the child looked just like the past Val they had constantly met.

"About damn time!" said the kid. "Do you have any idea how long I've been stuck there?!"

"What...the...hell?" asked Star.

"Weiila, Starstorm, meet Young Val," said Val. "She's an avatar of a past version of me."

"O...kay," said Weiila. "So, why the hell is she here?"

"I was locked in that cabinet for months!" shouted Young Val. "I just finished biting off the ropes last week, and picked the lock five minutes ago!"

They all stopped, though, when they saw a strange, house-like building off the side of the road. "Where did this come from?" asked Starstorm. "It wasn't here a few minutes ago." Then they saw the wierd, unshaven man at the doorstep, carrying a metal staff.

With no other idea of what to do, they simply drove around and parked in front of the building. The man was indeed unshaven, and wore clothes that seemed to have been ripped out of the 18th century (and were probably that old). His staff was nothing more than a rod with a hand at the end, and his most obvious trait was the bowling ball-sized knees on his legs. The group got out of the car, and approached the man.

"I am...Torgo," said the man. "I take care...of while the...Master is...away." He then saw Young Val, and paniced. "But...the child! I do not think...the Master will approve...the Master doesn't like...children."

"We just want to know where Valley Lodge is!" shouted Weiila. "Which way to we go?"

"There is like that here," said Torgo.

"Well, then, where IS the way out of here?" asked Starstorm.

" no way out," said Torgo. "It dark soon. There way...out of here."

"Well, we'll just stay the night, then," said Val. "How about it, Torgo?"

Torgo looked at them blankly, then said, "Very well...the Master will be...very disturbed." Weiila, Val, and Young Val ran inside, and Torgo lopsidedly walked to the car. Strangly, a really bad string of music played whenever he walked, as if to induce some form of terror.

"We'll stay tonight, Torgo," said Starstorm. "And tommorrow-"

"You must...leave!" shouted Torgo. "You...cannot stay! The Master will...not approve." He then lopsidedly walked to the front door, carrying several suitcases, once again occompanied by the strange theme music.


Galloway and PC continued to stare at their masked attackers. "Uh, Galloway," said PC, "I just remembered something. AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING SAIYAN?!"

Galloway thought about it, then smiled. "I...forgot about that." PC slapped his forehead, then shot at the canadian attackers. However, their bodies had been conditioned by so much pysical abuse that the bullets bounced off of them. Galloway powered up to SSJ and punched one of the thugs in the chest, but was knocked back with one kick.

"This is bad," said Galloway, automatically powering down to normal. He then grabbed PC and teleported outside of the mob. The two then ran down the road (their car was destroyed in one of the riots in the last hour). Finally, they jumped onto the back of a broken-up pickup truck. Around them were beer barrels, old rags, and various other signs of unsanitary living. The truck continued to drive off, leaving the masked thugs behind.


Poke eyed through all the files he had, while Deputy Mabatseeker eyes through his files. At last, they found their next lead: another out-of-towner that had connections with mysterious shadowy figures.

The door to the station opened, and someone who looked like Galloway entered. "What the hell are you doing here?" asked Poke. "We sent you and PC to the Canadian Settlement!"

"...What the hell are you talking about?" asked the person who looked like Galloway. The voice was a bit more high-pitched than normal.

"You know," said Mabat, "the Canadian settlement. You should just get your butt back over-" As he approached the person that looked like Galloway, he noticed something a bit different about the chest. Despite his better judgement, he reached over for a closer look...


Mitchell watched as a large, expensive car pulled up to the front of the mansion. A large, feathered creature emerged from the driver's seat and opened a back door, revealing the enigmatic Wilfredo Martinez himself. As they approached the door, Mitchell ran up to them. "Mr. Martinez!" he shouted. "I'm Mitchell, RPGCPD-"

"The check doesn't come until Christmas time," said Wil.

"But I have some-" continued Mitchell.

The creature looked down at the drunken slob, then growled, "No visitors!" After establishing that he had lost this day, Mitchell walked away and got back into the car. Before he left, though, he cleared the ashtray out on the driveway, marking his position.


The inside of the hotel was even worse than the outside, only there was no big-kneed freakjob in there yet. Young Val took a seat on a dusty, faded couch while Weiila and Val studied the rest of the interior. Strange, curved blades covered one wall, while another was covered by a tacky portrait. The rest had nothing but crumbling wallpaper and busted-up doors. In one corner was a heavily burned stone fireplace, with a sad-looking wood carving and several rotting hands placed on top.

"Looks like Torgo has a lovely altar to Baal," said Weiila. "This trip gets freakier by the minute."

Starstorm came inside, patted Young Val on the head, and examined the portrait. It showed a guy with a strong resemblance to Sonny Bono, complete with a Doberman for his horrifying demon. The man was also wearing a black and red robe, and was surrounded by fire. As he and Weiila examined the portrait, the strange music played out of nowhere again, and Torgo limped around behind them, carrying the luggage. He dissapeared into the next room.

"That must be the Master himself," said Starstorm, looking back at the portrait. "If I learned one thing in my life, it's that Sonny Bono look-alikes are always pure evil."

"And that's the most vicious looking animal I've ever seen!" said Weiila, the sarcasm very prevelant in her voice. Torgo limped back out of the room, the music playing once again. He tapped Star on the shoulder with his staff, then magically teleported to the other side of Weiila.

"That must be your master," said Star. "Where did you say he was?"

"He is...gone from this world," said Torgo, "but...he is always. No matter...where we go...he is....with us."

"No matter where we go?" asked Weiila. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"There is...nothing to fear...madam," said Torgo. "The master...likes you...No harm will...come to you."

"Likes me?" shouted Weiila. "I thought you said he was dead?!"

"Dead?" said Torgo. "No...not dead the...way you know it. He is...with us always...Not dead the...way you know it. He is...with us always."

"Makes sense to me, Weiila," said Star. "What's your problem?"

Torgo magically teleported to the other side of Star. "I's best that I show you to...the rooms now."


"What the hell are you doing?" asked the person who looked like Galloway.

"Your chest," said Mabat. "What the hell happened to it?"

"...I get it now," said the person who looked like Galloway. "You didn't receive the memo, did you?"

Mabat wisely drew back. "Oh dear God!" he shouted. "You're back!" He was then punched through a wall for coming dangerously close to crossing the line.

"Look, just tell me where the other me is," said F. Galloway.

"Sorry," said Poke, "but he's not here right now. He's trying to stop a madman from blowing up all of RPGC. By the way, would you mind making yourself useful for once and helping us out?"

"Fine," said F. Galloway. "Just give the other me to me when this is all over."


The truck continued through the endless Canadian forest, barely chugging along. Finally, the truck sputtered, then stopped. The driver kicked open the door, then walked to the trunk. He was a drunken redneck, with long, ragged hair, a stinky denim jacket, torn blue jeans, and the telltale sign of beer. "What the hell?" he shouted.

"We were just...running from those crazed Canadian tank top-wearing guys," said Galloway. "Besides, it's kind of nice back here."

The redneck looked at them, then sighed. "Well, it's warmer in the front. Let's go." They climbed out, and followed him into the truck. The inside was even worse than the outside, but when they found a spot where springs didn't stab them in the butt, they got comfortable real fast.

"By the way," said Glenton, "what's your name?"

"Rowsdower," said the redneck. "Zap Rowsdower." They then drove off in the Rowsdower-mobile to parts unknown.


Mitchell had barely parked his car in front of the mansion again when Wilfredo stepped up to his open window. "All right, Mitchell!" he shouted. "What do you want?!"

"There was a big pornography and heroin hijack down in RPGCity," said Mitchell.

Wilfredo looked dumbfounded. "Porno....heroin...?"

"So I have some questions," began Mitchell. Wil, however, shot him a flaming look.

"No questions," said Wilfredo. "Now, beat it, before I have demigod deal with you." He then went back to the mansion, as Mitchell continued to watch him.


Poke, F. Galloway, and the heavily-bandaged Mabatsekker sat in the briefing room, staring at a projector screen. Poke pressed a button, and his slide projector showed a picture of a fat, bloated, disgusting pound of flesh with eyes.

"This is the Romanian Meat King," said Poke. "He might very well be the most disgusting human being to ever exist. Since he came to RPGC and started his own line of meat products, people have been getting sick left and right. Of course, since the last meat company went under, he's the only source of high-calorie, life-shortening meat in the entire land."

"Okay, so the guy's a slob," said F. Galloway. "So what?"

"We're getting to that," said Poke. He pressed another button, and a picture of a meat packing house appeared. "The Meat King is throwing a party tomorrow at his house tomorrow. The meat area is downstairs, while he lives upstairs. Also, his lousy lawyer will be present as the guest of honor. They may both be connected to the evil force that stole the treasures."

"So we just go in and find the info," said Mabat. "That sounds easy enough."

"Actually," said Poke, "you're not going, Mabat." He pressed the button again, and a picture of a meat refrigeration truck appeared. "F. Galloway, you'll meet up with our contact at the nearby 'Sanity's Rectum' nightclub. He'll give you your costume, your invintation, and further instructions."

"And what do I do for an escape?" asked F. Galloway. "I can't just waltz out the front door, after all."

"There should be an exit in the loading zone in the back," said Poke. "Also, once you have enough info to fully connect the two, kill them."

Mabat turned to Poke, looking bewildered. "What? Since when did you support the death penalty?"

"Normally I wouldn't," said Poke. "But when sickos like that turn people into ham sandwiches, I want to see them get hacked apart."

F. Galloway suddenly looked sick. "Their meat's...made from people?"

"Of course!" said Poke. "Didn't you know?"

"I wish I did," said F. Galloway, turning green, "before I had that sandwich for lunch!" She ran to the bathroom, and the sound of vomitting could be heard by all around.


Val tried to sleep, but a loud howl echoed from somewhere in the distance. Finally, she grabbed Gungnir and stepped out the back door. "Hey, I know you're an evil hell beast," she shouted, "but could you keep it down? It's after nine and we have kids!"


F. Galloway made her way to Sanity's Rectum, the sickest nightclub in the entire city. She snuck in through the back door, knocked out a random druggie for no good reason, and made her way to the bar. GG Crono was waiting for her, carrying a briefcase.

"I've lost my phone number," he said, as she got close to him. "Can I have yours?"

"Sure," said F. Galloway. "Just look in the phone book under 'Police Department'."

"Who writes these stupid codephrases anyway?" asked GG. "I'd never say that to anyone who even remotely looked like Galloway."

"And I wouldn't even talk to lousy fuckers like you unless you had something for me," said F. Galloway.

"Ouch," said GG. "You'll never get a boyfriend with a tongue like that."

"Let's move on, shall we?" said F. Galloway. "We have a mission to finish. What info do you have?"

"The Meat King's party is impossible to infiltrate normally," said GG. "However, we can get in via useful disguises. They're in the briefcase, along with the needed equipment and information. Come on, let's get out of here."

They left the nightclub, and made their way to a refrigerated meat truck. "We'll enter using this. We'll then use the disguises to finish the job." They made their way into the refrigerator, where GG opened the briefcase.

He pulled out a butcher outfit, along with a meat hook. "This is my disguise," he said. "Your disguise is still in there, along with your invintation." F. Galloway looked at the outfit stuffed into the briefcase...and smacked GG across the face.


Val returned to the hotel, after finding a dead poodle lying around. Weiila and Starstorm were waiting in the lobby, along with Young Val, who was knocked out. "She got into some of Galloway's anasthetic," said Weiila. "She'll be out cold for hours."

"I can't stand this place," said Val. "Let's just forget the whole deal and leave."

Starstorm nodded, then shouted, "TORGO!"

The strange theme music played again, as Torgo awkwardly limped into the lobby. "You...called me?"

"We're leaving," said Starstorm. "Would you mind putting the luggage back in the car?"

" wish," said Torgo, before limping off again.


As Mitchell drove away around midnight, Wilfredo picked up his phone and called some random person. "Pierson?" he shouted. "What's this about a porno/heroin shipment I'm supposed to be recieving? A cop tells me this, and I don't even know it!" His expression soon turned to shock, then disgust. "You WHAT? Come here right now!" He then slammed the phone down so hard it broke the table it was on.

A few minutes later, Pierson pulled up in his fancy Rolls-Royce. Wil got inside and said, "Just drive around the block for a while." The car drove off, as Wil stared angrily at Pierson. "What were you thinking, sending that shipment over here?"

"Those were the orders," said Pierson. "Now, do you want to defy him?"

"I'm not touching this," said Wil. "Do you here me? I'm not touching it." The Rolls-Royce pulled back into Wil's driveway, and Wil got out as Mitchell returned, along with a bag filled with greasy hamburgers.


Starstorm tried to start the car, but it just made some whirring noises, then stopped. He opened the hood, and found that the engine had been sabatoged. Parts were missing, while other parts were thrown all over the place. The oil was drained, the windshield wipers were removed, and strange animal parts were strewn apart in some kind of sick, satanic ritual. Either way, they were stuck here right now.

He returned to the house, where Weiila, Val, Young Val and Torgo were waiting for him. "The car won't start," said Star. "Torgo, where's the phone?" Torgo stared blankly at him for a few seconds. "You know? Alexander Graham Bell? Telephone?"

"There telephone here," said Torgo. "The Master...does not...approve of...such...devices." He then limped away while the strange music played.

"What're we gonna tell my inner child?" asked Val. "She hates this place more than I do."

"She'll understand," said Weiila.

Young Val jumped up and shouted, "Screw you! Young Val's out of here!" She then went out the side door, while everyone else was busy staring at each other. Finally, they looked back at the couch, and found that Young Val was gone.

"Quick! Let's find her!" shouted Weiila. She tried to open the side door, but it was locked. Starstorm tried the front door, but it was locked, too. They then tried the kitchen, but it was also locked. Torgo opened the back door, and stared blankly into space.

"She must have gone outside," said Val. "Let's go." They then opened the side door, which was now magically unlocked. Starstorm and Val slowly stepped outside, Star holding a revolver and Val holding Gungnir. Finally, Young Val stepped out of the shadows, holding a long chain, which was attached to a dog collar, which was attached to a large doberman.

"It's the dog from the portrait!" shouted Val.

"His name's Mephisto!" shouted Young Val. "Can we keep him?" The dog then ran off.


GG drove the meat truck down the road, while F. Galloway changed clothes in the back. "Look, I'm sorry about the disguise," said GG, "but we have no choice. It's part of the party's dress code."

"WHAT dress code?" shouted F. Galloway. "I'm barely wearing ANYTHING here! And the mask is the stupidest thing I've ever seen!"

"Whatever," said GG. "Just get your ass up here. You'll freeze back there."

F. Galloway grumbled, then teleported to the passenger seat. Her "disguise" was a leather dress, which barely reached below her waistline. It also came with a mask, which looked like something a stupid mexican wrestler would wear. The leather boots helped to add to the dominatrix theme; all she needed now was a whip.

"So," said GG, trying the break the awkward moments of silence, "what are we like in your alternate world?"

"You?" asked F. Galloway. "Well, since virtually every living thing on my planet is dead, I suppose you're dead as well. However, I DID manage to find some info on a couple people."

"Like what?" asked GG.

F. Galloway teleported away, then returned with a piece of paper and a clipboard. "Let's see...Mabatsekker was arrested for pedophilia charges against a bunch of dog-girls..."

"THE HELL?" shouted GG.

"Starstorm was killed in a freak knitting accident...Val became the best mage anyone had ever seen...Wilfredo Martinez was a champion for women's rights, and thus the only one besides me that was better in my world...and Weiila-oh, man, Weiila!"

"What?" asked GG. "What about Weiila?"

"Weiila," said F. Galloway, "was a thieving crackhead who fenced VCRs to feed her habit."

"A...crackhead?" asked GG. "Man, that wierd. Well, we're almost to the fortress of doom."


"Galloway!" shouted Poke.

"Try turning the radio ON next time," said Mabat. He then went back to looking at his "Catgirls XXXX" magazine. Poke wrote a reminder to send a thousand Charmandars after Mabat while he slept, then turned on the radio.

"GALLOWAY!" shouted Poke.

"This is Glenton," said the radio. "Galloway and Rowsdower got drunk, so..."

"ROWSDOWER?" shouted Poke. "Zap Rowsdower? You're with THAT pathetic drunk? At least Val has a slight sense of dignity!"

"Well, we've escaped the tank top-wearing cult," said the radio. "According to Rowsdower, they're called the Ziots, and ruled this land once. They now want to rule the world. I guess they're pretty big suspects..."

"JUST KEEP GOING!" shouted Poke. "We need to find those treasures!"


The meat truck pulled in front of the Meat King's lair. GG and F. Galloway stepped out, prepared their equipment, and started towards the door. "Remember," said GG. "The place is insulated against magic and special attacks, so you'll have to procure your weapons inside."

"Fine," said F. Galloway. "I'll handle the crooked lawyer, you take care of the Meat King."

As they approached the front door, the front door guard stopped them. "You know procedure," he said. "I now feel your flesh." He then frisked both GG and F. Galloway, but got slapped when he got a little too close to certain parts of F. Galloway's body. Fortunately, the other guard was understanding.

As they went inside, GG made his way to the freezer area, while F. Galloway went to the dance floor.


GG found the freezer filled with other butchers, as well as countless steaks and meats. "Hurry up!" shouted one of the guards. "The Meat King wants his dinner! And if we catch you with a weapon this time, we'll kill you!" GG made his way from the freezer to the kitchen, where a fried chicken was sitting down. He grabbed the chicken, took it into the bathroom, and shoved his meat hook into the chicken. Now he had a method of attack.


F. Galloway found the dance floor to be worse than he imagined. People were having wild, untamed sex in the middle of the floor, a bleeding horse corpse was hung upside-down in a sadistic manner, and many guests were smoking obscene amounts of opium. She approached the bartender, who quickly pulled her towards him.

"I know what you want," he whispered. "You want to have the esteemed honor of serving the lawyer his opium pipe. Well, he's going to the bathroom. When he comes back, takes the opium to him."

"Just put me down," she whispered. "This dress's so short you're revealing my entire ass right now." The bartender quickly released his grip.


"So don't run away from us, and don't consort with the devil," said Weiila.

"Fine, fine," said Young Val. "That dog wasn't as interesting as the rest of that big place, anyway."

Star raised an eyebrow. "What big place?" Young Val jumped up and went back outside, with Star and Weiila in hot pursuit. Val, meanwhile, returned to her room and started she could repack later...(whatever.) The theme music appeared out of nowhere yet again, and Torgo limped into the room.

"I can't wait to get out of this place," said Val. "I've had enough of it for one night."

"He...wants you," said Torgo. "The Master...wants you. He cannot! I...want you!"

"He wants me?" asked Val. "What kind of talk is that?"

"I...want you!" shouted Torgo. "I...will not let...him!" He then reached over to Val.

"Torgo, you're coming dangerously close to crossing the line," said Val. Torgo, however, didn't listen to a word she said and started twirling her hair around his fingers. Val finally had enough, pushed Torgo away, and pulled out Gungnir.

"'am," said Torgo. "I was...trying to protect you...There are some...wierd...people around here..."

"Fine," said Val. "Just get the hell out of here, and don't come within fifty yards of me ever again." Torgo limped off, as Val tried to figure out how to kill him without causing a panic.


GG Crono walked up the stairs to the second floor of the packing house, the chicken sitting on a silver platter. The guard stopped him at the top and frisked him again, but didn't bother to check the chicken. GG made his way past an open window, where he found the Meat King. The guy was even more disgusting in real life than in the picture Poke had provided him. Two hookers surrounded the Meat King, somehow able to have sex with him despite the mind-boggling physics involved.

Sighing, he took the chicken inside. The Meat King shouted something, and the hookers all left. GG handed the chicken over, being careful to slide the meat hook out of the chicken and into his sleeve. The Meat King pointed to a switch on the wall, and when GG pressed it, sliders came crashing down.

The Meat King grabbed the entire chicken with both hands and started scarfing it down his ugly maw. He was so absorbed into the chicken that he didn't notice that GG had snuck behind him, meat hook in hand. The evil king of meats finished his meal seconds before the hook went into his brain.


F. Galloway calmly passed through the curtain leading to the lawyer's inner sanctum/rape pit. After a few minutes, the lawyer himself entered, wearing a mask that vaguely looked like a devil. He noticed F. Galloway's opium pipe, and quickly snatched it from her.

He laid on one of the beds and smoked the pipe. After a few seconds, he was unconcious (proving that lawyers have no endurance to speak of). F. Galloway snuck up to his body and pulled out some papers, and a silenced handgun. She quickly shot him through the skull, then exited.

She went up a pair of stairs by the entrance, hoping to meet up with GG. Instead, she found a passage into an even darker sanctum than before. Candles lit the way through a butcher shop, with a butcher standing at the other end, his back turned to F. Galloway. Dead bodies were hung upside-down, their blood mixed with spices and other additives. However, one seemed to be alive and moving.

F. Galloway snuck up behind the butcher, grabbed a butcher's knife off a nearby table, and slit the man's throat. As he fell, she took a good look at him, and realized that the ugly bastard wasn't wearing any pants. A good deal of vomitting later, she made her way to the still-living girl.

"You're one lucky kid," said F. Galloway. "You were just about to be made into dinner."

"Just get me down!" shouted the girl. "The blood's been rushing to my head for the last half hour!"

GG walked in through the entrance to the inner sanctum of horrors. "We need to get out of here. I don't know how long the guards will be distracted."

(They somehow got the girl out without alerting anyone.)

All three quickly jumped into the truck. GG floored the accelerator, and the truck speeded off into the night.

"So," said F. Galloway, "who are you, kid?"

"Chris-chris," said the girl. "Say, do you have any idea where we're going?"

"The police station," said GG. "We need to make a report to Poke."

"While we're there, could I call Orakio?" asked CC. "He's probably going nuts over this."

"Well, we could try," said GG. "Of course, calls to the Land of the Fallen are forbidden, but we could give it a shot."

Mission Report
Time: 2:04
Difficulty: Professional
Saves: 0
Shots Fired: 1
Innocents Killed: 0
Innocents Harmed: 0
Guards Killed: 1
Alerts: 0
Close Calls: 0
Rating: Silent Assassin

For obtaining the Silent Assassin rating, you have received the following weapon:

Dual Uzis.


Star, Weiila and Young Val came to a large, tomb-like structure. Young women, clad only in white nightgowns, were tied to stone pillars. In the middle was a stone platform, where the guy from the portrait was sleeping. Finally overwhelmed by the pure boredom of the area, they left.

Torgo, meanwhile, limped in from the other side. He went to the guy from the portrait and hovered overhead. "I want her!" he shouted. "She's...mine! You have...all the wives you...need!" He then limped around to the other side, away from the campfire in the middle of the tomb.

"Look how...pretty you are!" he shouted. "I don't...need you anymore! I'll have my...own wife! I won't have to...come here anymore! I'm...through with you! THROUGH!" He then limped off again, laughing all the way. Just after he left, the guy from the portrait (aka the Master) slowly rose to his feet, took his dog for a five-inch walk, then approached the fire.

"Oh, Manos," he said, "God of Primal Darkness, though who dwellest in the deepest caverns and darkest corners of the universe. Holy art though, holy art though, holy art though! Manos will be done! Arise my wives, and adhere to the will of Manos! ARISE MY WIVES, AND ADHERE TO THE WILL OF MANOS!"

The wives woke up, and instantly started bickering. They argued about killing Young Val, with only one person agreeing to the murder. Finally, the Master stood up and shouted, "STOP! WHAT FOOLISHNESS IS THIS! The child must die! Silence! Silence! And now I will deal with the one who is responsible for the child being here!" He then went off to murder Torgo.


Star, Weiila and Young Val returned to the hotel. "You two hide in the bedrooms!" said Star. "I'm gonna go find Torgo. He has some explaining to do!" Weiila and Young Val went to the bedrooms while Star went back outside. Torgo, however, snuck up behind Star and tapped him on the head with his staff, knocking him out. Torgo then tied Star to a post, and exhausted from the ordeal, returned to his bedroom.

Once he was asleep, the Master entered. "Arise, Torgo!" he said. Torgo woke up and, about an hour and a half later, finally got back to his feet.

"M...Master!" he gasped. "What are you...doing here?!"

"You have failed us, Torgo," said the Master. "The wives have told me of your visits to the tomb."

"My...visits?" asked Torgo.

"They may not be able to move or speak while you are there," said the Master, "but they remember everything you say to them...and everything you do to them!"

"You have...six wives!" said Torgo. "Why can't...I have one...of my own?"

"You are not one of," said the Master. "Therefore, you cannot have one. You have failed us, Torgo. For that you must die!"

"Failed?" asked Torgo. " have failed...yourself! You never...kill them!" The Master, however, waved a rusty tailpipe in front of Torgo, which somehow hypnotized the big-kneed figure. He then took him to the tomb, where his wives were having a catfight. Sadly, he broke up the fight, and made Torgo touch the fire, which somehow caused his hand to sever itself from his arm and catch fire. Screaming, Torgo ran off into the desert.


Star regained conciousness and untiled himself. He ran to the hotel, where Weiila, Val and Young Val were waiting. "Let's get out of here!" shouted Star. They ran to the car, where the Master was waiting for them.

"Manos will be done!" he shouted. "The women are mine!" Suddenly, a beaten-up truck rolled by, running over the Master. Star, Weiila, Val and Young Val got in their car, which magically started working again.


"Did we hit something back there?" asked Galloway.

"Nope," said Rosdower.


Pokefreak and Mabat were playing basketball with a trash bin and some rolled-up pieces of paper when the freezer truck slammed through the wall. GG flew out the window, crashing into the wall with such force that he broke his neck, while F. Galloway and Chris-chris climbed out the side door. A few seconds later, Weiila, Starstorm, Val and Young Val made their way inside, momentarily staring at the carnage before continuing on.

"Well, what's the status?" asked Poke.

"We ran into a wierd cult of devil worshippers," said Weiila. "They're all dead right now, except for some wierd girls in nightgowns. We went back to the house and checked, and we found some info that connects them to someone named 'Manos', who in turn is probably connected to the shadowy figure somehow."

"We checked out the Meat King," said F. Galloway (Weiila was still reviving GG). "His diary says that he sold his soul to the shadowy figure in exchange for fresh bodies. We also rescued Queen Chris-chris."

"QUEEN?" asked Mabat. "When did this happen?"

"You ever follow the news?" asked Poke. "Orakio became the new king of the Land of the Fallen after Hades was killed, so it follows that Chris-chris would be his queen.

"Mabat, any word from Mitchell and Galloway yet?" asked Starstorm.

"Mitchell just called in," said Mabat. "Wilfredo hasn't cracked yet, so he's still stuck here. Also, Galloway and Glenton are with Zap Rowsdower, so we know they're fucked."

"Oh, and Orakio on's his way tomorrow," said Poke. "He has info on what's going on in the Land of the Fallen, and from what he said on the phone, it's not good news. So, let's just hit the sack and discuss this in the morning."


The next day, Galloway, Glenton and Rowsdower drove deeper into the Canadian woods. Finally, the truck gave out, and after a futile attempt to revive it, it became apparant that they were stuck here.

"Looks like we have a long walk ahead of us," said Rowsdower.

"Walk?!" shouted Glenton. "You mean we have to walk from here?"

"Well it's not my fault!" shouted Rowsdower. "You're the one that got us into this mess!"

"Look, we're all upset right now," said Galloway, "so let's just get some water and walk to the next town before I beat both of you to a bloody pulp." The two agreed, and Rowsdower shoved the canteen into Glenton's hands.


The morning sunrise was joined by a chorus of booing and yelling. Everyone in the police station quickly woke up as Orakio, clad in full plate metal armor, entered the room. He quickly shut the doors, then proceeded to lock, bar, deadbolt, and reinforce them before the crowds could break through. As he entered the light, they saw what was covering the armor: splattered fruit, sword scratches, laser burns, and various other attacks that would kill an unarmored being.

"About time!" he said, pulling the armor off. "This thing weighs a ton!" Chris-chris quickly ran up and hugged her beloved, as Poke pulled out a pen and report form.

"All right," said Orakio. He put a video tape into the VCR, and the picture of a large crystal, deep inside a large, damp cave. "This is the Lamer-Crystal. I'm sure you've heard of it."

"Of course," said Weiila. "The crystal is supposed to seal the entrance to the World of Lamers."

"And that's where the Lamers, Flamers, and Immature Fuckers went," said Mabat, "along with their mythical leader, Mary Sue."

"You catch on quickly," said Orakio. "Last night, an incident occured at the crystal. Watch." The tape showed a shadowy figure approach the crystal, armed with a pen. It didn't take long to realize that this was the Pen of Destiny. The figure wrote something on the crystal, and it shattered in a thousand pieces. A large black portal instantly opened, and hundreds of strange figures emerged from within. Suddenly, something shattered the picture, and everything went static.

"What the hell was that?" asked Val.

"You were just looking at the end of the Land of the Fallen," said Orakio. "Months of progress were destroyed in five seconds. The lamers now control all of the capital, and have already attacked the border guards. Sinistral has ordered a complete crackdown on the area; he's killing everyone he comes across."

"Man, I knew people really hated that place after Orakio took over," said Starstorm, "but I never imagined something THIS bad."

"Not only that," continued Orakio, "but a lamer cannot be killed; they can simply shrug off anything you throw at them. The only way to stop them is to seal them again. That's why we need someone else."


"Well, we're lost," said Glenton. "Now we just need to trip, fall onto some poison ivy, and get mauled and buried by a bear, and we'll be set."

Suddenly, Galloway fell down a hole. "Hey, you've gotta check this out!" shouted Galloway. "We've found some ruins!" Glenton jumped down, with Rowsdower following both of them.

They were now deep inside the buried remains of some kind of ancient temple. Strange markings were plastered all over the place, indicating some kind of place of worship. However, it had been abandoned for thousands upon thousands of years, save for a large Ziot-English dictionary.


"Our scouts have verified two possible entrances to RPGC," said Poke. "The first is a small hole in the defenses around the Land of the Fallen border. The second is past the Cave of Space and Time, which has been long-abandoned since the King of Fanfiction contest."

"CC and I will go to the border," said Orakio. "Weiila, could you take Starstorm, Mabat, and F. Galloway to scout the cave? We already asked Val, but she doesn't want to go within five miles of the cave after last time."


Wilfredo entered the park, where he talked to an obvious italian stereotype. After a few minutes, he got back into his limo and rode away. Mitchell followed closely behind. After a few minutes of driving, demigod pulled the limo over, and Wilfredo approached Mitchell's car.

"All right, Mitchell," said Wilfredo, "I have a lot of things on my mind right now, and I can't carry you around."

"I'm sorry you feel like that," said Mitchell.

"I do," said Wil. "Now, are you gonna beat it or what?"

"I'd like to," said Mitchell, "but there are some questions-"

"You're saying no," said Wil.

"I'm saying no," said Mitchell.

"Thought I'd give you the chance," said Wil. He got into the limo and rode off, with Mitchell still following.


The Cave of Space and Time had long-since collapsed; there was no way of entering and getting chibified this time. "Well this was a bust," said Starstorm. "Now what?"

"How all take a nice, long trip?" said a strange voice. They turned just as the shadowy figure slammed them with the Hammer of Crossovers. They blew through the collapsed cave, into the non-collapsed portions of the cave. The hole they made was quickly sealed.


"Is your friend in position?" asked Wil. demigod nodded his head, and Wil let out a big smile.

They merged onto the highway, with Mitchell still following them. demigiod drove onto a dirt road and tried to lose Mitchell by turning several times, but kept forgetting not to use his turn signal. Finally, a brown car ran out in front of Mitchell, cutting him off from Wil.

The two got into a hot-rod Ben Hur, ran through construction site, tore down another road, and constantly downshifted even though they were both driving automatics. Finally, the brown car pushed Mitchell off the edge of the road and down a ditch. A 70's-style detective soundtrack played as Mitchell looked around, dejected.


"That takes care of him for now," said Wil, "but I need to get rid of the guy for good."

"Too bad you pissed off all the hitmen," said demigod.

"I know," said Wil. "Good thing I have a backup plan." He pulled out his extremely expensive cell phone.


"According to the writing," said Galloway, "the city is located where the lines on a map cross. Fortunately, it's stuck in the book."

"I'm getting out of here," said Rowsdower. "I haven't had beer in five hours, and I'm starting to get dizzy." He climbed out of the hole, only to get immediately attacked by the tank top-wearing thugs.


Val was halfway through her "History of Beer-related Sex" book when her work cell phone went off. "Hello, Val's Pimp Services, servicing all your whoring needs since 2002," said Val. "Oh, Mr. Martinez! Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So, you want me to do the job myself? Who is it? MITCHELL?! NO GODDAMN WAY I'M SENDING MYSELF OR ONE OF MY GIRLS TO THAT FAT SLOB! Okay, I'll send one of the new girls, but it'll cost you triple just for putting the thought of that guy naked in my head." He turned off her cell and pushed a button on a remote.


Wolf of Light was busy packing mysterious objects into a large cardboard box when the light came on in the sky. It was a spotlight showing PC Glenton hanging from a rope, with various bladed and pointy weapons sticking out of every part of his body (which several extra objects sticking out of his ass).

"The Esker-light!" said Wolf. "I'm needed!" She got into her old, beat-up car and drove off into the city."


Now in a stylish new used car, Mitchell went back after Wilfredo. He intercepted him at a golf course, where another gangster was watching him. "You got the time?" asked Mitchell.

"Yeah, it's ten-two," said the gangster. "Ten-two your own damn business!"

"That Martinez sure does get around," said Mitchell, completely ignoring the idiotic pun.

"Don't talk to me, mister," said the gangster.

"Not the social type?" asked Mitchell. "Private type? Maybe you should let others have their privacy."

The contradictions caused the gangster's brain to creak and groan, until it finally drove him mad. He ran off, and Mitchell shot him in the leg for no apparant reason. Wilfredo and loyal caddy demigod looked up as Mitchell walked over, then handed Wilfredo his gun.

"Could you hold onto this?" asked Mitchell. "I've got to call headquarters." He walked back to his car, only to hear a screaming Poke over the radio.

"My telepathic spy Pokemon tell me you shot someone!" shouted Poke.

"You wanted him with six weeks and no bail, and that's how you got him!" said Mitchell.

"I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO SHOOT HIM!" shouted Poke. "Now, go down to your apartment and wait for further orders!" Mitchell slammed down the intercom and drove off.

"Don't laugh," said Wil. "You'll only encourage him."


Rowsdower was dragged in front of a tall man wearing a full-black suit and trenchcoat, with black hair and a whipping stick colored-that's right-black. "We meet again, Zap Rowsdower," he said, in a voice that would make William Shatner sound like a good actor.

"Satoris!" shouted Rowsdower.

"You are a pathetic creature," said Satoris. "We offer you power, and you waste it! We will find the others, and we will kill them."

"Go to hell, or at least Alberta!" shouted Rowsdower. Satoris responded by gently slapping Rowsdower across the face.

"Take him into the woods," said Satoris. "Make him drink something other than beer, then shoot him!" Two thugs dragged Rowsdower off while Satoris walked calmly away.


Galloway and Glenton climbed out of the hole, dodged some thugs, and made their way to a clearing. Now all they had to do was find Rowsdower.


Poke took GG to the conference room, where another slide show was waiting. This time, it showed an eldery man, as well as a young one.

"These are the Beldingfords," said Poke. "They're just like all english aristocrats: uptight, beligerant, imbecilic assholes who think they're instantly superior to everyone else just because they have money. Anyway, they've kidnapped someone, although we don't know who. Your job is to save the prisoner and kill the Beldingfords."

"Can you give me ANY useful info?" asked GG.

Poke pressed a button, and a map showed up on the screen. "We think the prisoner is being held in the stables somewhere," said Poke, pointing at a large building. "The Beldingfords are inside their manor; they're hosting a hunting party tonight. You'll be sent in via rowboat to a small hiding spot under a bridge. You will then obtain a disguise, rescue the prisoner, and kill the Beldingfords."

"Just one little question," said GG. "Why do I have to KILL the Beldingfords? It's not like they turned people into sandwiches."

"Two reasons," said Poke. "One, we know a lot of dissapearances have been connected to them, although we have no actual proof. And two, they're beligerant asses. People like that are simply polluting the gene pool."


"So that's the deal," said Val. "Now, are you up to it?"

"Depends," said Wolf. "I get a thousand dollars a night, and your client gets a hooker. Will that work?"

"...Of course," said Val, quickly throwing together her secret Swiss bank account. "Now, TO THE ESKER MOBILE!" They ran off, slid down some poles, and jumped into a large black car that was waiting in the basement. Val slammed down the accelerator, and the car slammed through the side of the building and onto the freeway.

Poke looked on in sadness. "When will she stop wrecking my office," he sighed, before returning to GG.


(To be continued)

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