Hanging Around - One sick crossover
Author's note: Thirteen hours on a train gave birth to this. ‘Nuff said. After this you won’t wonder why I sometimes mention that Magus hates me. *grins*
Can you guess who everyone is from my stupid descriptions before I tell who’s who?
Please note that this was one of my first fanfics, so it doesn’t really fit into my current standard. This is stupid. But I think it still has its points… it did start the whole “crap” thing. You’ll soon see what the crap I’m talking about…
"Hey brother! Are you alright?"
"What?" Cecil shook his head and blinked at the one hanging beside him, "Golbez?"
The man in a black cape and his face almost hid completely in the shadow of his helmet nodded.
"Yes. Hello, Cecil," he said.
The paladin looked down, wondering why he felt like his feet didn't touch the ground. The answer to that was obvious. The ground was too far away, about a hundred yards. It also looked strange, simply white and flat. And the air which surrounded Cecil and his brother was also weird. Everywhere were half invisible clouds in soft colors. It almost looked as if somebody had created a three dimensional surreal aquarelle painting.
"What the crap is this?" Cecil gasped as he understood that he was hanging in his wrists, which were bound with an iron chain.
The chain was attached to a thick iron-pipe that in turn hung in nothingness. Golbez hung in the same way, and the two men weren't the only ones there. The pipe was quite long, and on both sides of Cecil were several strange figures hanging in a neat row in their chains. Some of them were awake and looking around with the same great confusion which was kept in the paladin's heart, but most were unconscious.
Cecil made an attempt to break free, making the whole pipe swing a bit.
"Hold still, you fool!" a harsh, cold voice demanded, "you'll bring us all down!"
The voice came from the right, and Cecil turned his head in that direction. The eyes which his gaze met were chilly and red, glaring coldly back. The paladin had to struggle against a shiver. Whoever the owner of the eyes were, he was almost even creepier than Zemus.
"Who are you?" Cecil asked, though the question itself somehow carried a scent of suicide.
The pale man wearing a blood-red cloak opened his mouth to answer. But before he could, another voice spoke:
"Even though the situation is a matter of confusion and despair, dost not imagine that I will take thy orders, Magus!"
Cecil's eyes fell to the one who had spoken. The creature was hanging between the pale man and the paladin, but in his shuddering fascination over the first cloaked one, Cecil hadn't noticed the giant frog. That's what it was. A big frog. Wearing the cloak, shirt and pants of a human. And a giant broad-sword by his belt.
"Hey," Cecil said, "you're a monster!"
The frog gave him a dark glare.
"Dost I speak in the manner of a monster?" he snapped.
"That's Frog," the pale one named Magus coldly said with a sneer, "he's a pathetic knight who believes he's a hero because he once knew one."
"Come a little closer and if I musteth, I will hold Masamune in my mouth to slain thee!" Frog growled.
"Wow! You're even harsher than Bleu!" a new voice said.
Frog bent his neck and gazed at the one hanging at Golbez' left side.
"Aye, 'tis yet another blue-haired freak with a red cloak!" the green one moaned, "Magus, please tell me thou hath no children!"
"My name is Ryu, not 'blue-haired freak'!" the young man snapped, "and what the crap is this? I was on a quest with my friends to kill Zog of the Dark dragons and find my lost, older sister Sara, and now I'm suddenly here! And why are you looking at me like that?"
"Find your older sister?" Magus said, slowly.
"Sara?" Frog repeated.
"Yeah. What about it?" he asked.
Frog sighed and pointed at Magus as he spoke.
"Blue hair, red cloak, quest much the same... I am surrounded. This vile warlock follows me and my comrades around in our quest to defeat the evil Lavos. Magus' only thought, however, is revenge against the evil one and to find his older sister Schala, who was parted from him by the will of Lavos."
"Nice to meet you, comrade in quest and basic look." Ryu smiled.
"The same to you," Magus nodded, then turned his red eyes at the green guy, growling, "now Frog, I will..."
"I wouldst laugh at thy attempts, wicked one!"
"Indeed I'll have you swallow the laughter and get strangled by it, you..."
"Stop it!" yet a new voice shouted.
The new one hung a few prisoners away. He had spiky, red hair, and carried a sword by his belt.
"Stop it," he repeated, growling, "we're hanging a hundred yards above ground in another dimension of some sort, and you two argue? What's wrong with you, have you destroyed each other's lives or something?"
"Yes!" Magus and Frog snarled.
"He tries to kill me!" the pale man said.
"He killed my best friend and turned me into a frog!" the knight growled, "and ‘tis merely the start of it."
"Fine, I'm Maxim!" the red-haired one snapped, "now stay friends for five minutes and try to think of where we are and why."
He looked around, seeing that everyone had awoken from the unconsciousness by now.
"Alright, everyone!" he shouted to stop anyone from starting to twitch again, "we're here, we don't know why, where or who the other ones of us are. So keep still, OK? Now, anyone's got any suggestions about why we are here and where this is? From right to left, that will be left to right for somebody watching facing us. Pale one, any ideas?"
"No," Magus said, and Frog shook his head.
"Me neither," Cecil said, "how about you, bro?"
"Sorry, I have no idea." Golbez said.
"That makes five of us," Ryu sighed and turn to the one to his left, "how about you?"
The next one in the line was a young boy, maybe only thirteen or fourteen. He wore loose, blue pants and a matching shirt. Around his waist was a simple belt made by a long piece of pink-purple cloth. Just like Maxim and Frog, he carried a sword by his belt, but his weapon was shorter than the other two, and seemed to glow slightly in a warmly green color. His pointy, brown hair was held up by a bandana similar to his belt, except smaller.
"Nope, not a single clue," he said, trying to shrug his shoulders.
The result of the "shrug" was that his whole body was lifted a bit. It looked really silly.
"I don't know either," the next hanging creature said.
He was green. And had scales. And a shell.
"Not another amphibian!" Magus snarled, "Frog, I should have turned you into a rat instead."
"That's my master!" the turtle said.
"My name is Leonardo, and I was just battling Shredder to save my master Splinter when I suddenly awoke here."
"Um... OK," Maxim slowly said after a moment's silence, "that's... OK. Next, please!"
Leonardo's neighbor shook his head, making his pointy, sand-colored hair wave like mad. Just as the brown-hair with glowing sword, he kept his hair up with a headband. His clothes of choice were a pair of deep-blue pants and an open shirt in the same color over another, white-brown shirt. Also, he wore dark, soft boots, made for making no noise. Something about him gave away that he maybe wasn't always on the right side of the law.
At the head-shaking man's side was another man with spiky hair, but he didn't have any headband. His cut kept up by itself (loads of hairspray or what?), and he wore a blue shirt over a light-brown tunic.
"No, I don't have any suggestions," he said.
Maxim was next.
"Nope, no idea." he sighed.
"Me neither. Hiya!"
Everyone looked at the last one speaking. He hung beside Maxim, and at his "Hiya!" he had moved his legs into a stupid, karate-imitating position. Hanging like that he looked plain idiotic. He wore a red one-piece silk cloth all over, so tightly that it seemed to be his skin. His hands were covered with white gloves, and he wore matching boots. A red, plastic helmet hid his whole head; it had a design which should remind of a tyrannosaurs' head. In front of the face (tyrannosaur's open mouth) was a big, black window. It was hard to tell how much the freak actually could see through it.
"What the crap are you?" the young man in the end of the line asked.
He had green clothes, a sword attached to his belt and a big shield on his back. His hair was a chestnut-colored, wild mane, and the pointy hat he wore could hardly keep it down. The most notable thing about him was actually that his ears gave away that he was no human. He was actually an elf.
"I am the Red Ranger. Ha!" the red guy answered.
The "Ha!" announced yet another stupid position of his.
"He's a Power Ranger," a guy in blue, metallic outfit and what looked like a small cannon attached to his right arm finally said.
"That's right! Ho!"
As everyone else Magus was silent for a moment. Then:
"... Dark Matter."
The prisoners all watched the red pieces of burned silk fall like snowflakes to the white ground beneath them.
"I musteth sayeth," Frog smiled, "thy deed hast perished all sins from thy soul, Magus."
"Thank you, Frog. It was my duty."
"Maybe thou art not as bad as I always thoughteth."
"Nobody can be so deeply evil that he won't kill such a vile thing," Cecil said with a smile, "I salute you, wizard."
"Thank you all," Magus smiled, "it really warms my dark, twisted heart. Now, shall we continue? How about you, blue boy?"
"No, I can't help out either," the one who had revealed the Red Ranger said.
"You look almost like a Power Ranger yourself," the brown-hair without bandana said.
"How dare you?! I am Megaman, savior of the future!"
"That's weird," Golbez pointed out, "Megaman's games are all platform-games, right? And the Power Rangers had a beat-em-up-style game, yuck... my point is, everyone else seem to come from RPGs."
"Not me," Leonardo said, "I actually came here straight from the cartoon about me and my bros."
"Hold it!" the brown-hair with bandana exclaimed, "you're The Leonardo? From TMNT?!"
"What?!" everyone shouted.
"What's wrong with that?" Leonardo defended himself, "it's not my fault! Besides, Turtles is a classic, not like Power Rangers!"
"But your success gave birth to those idiots!" Maxim said.
There was a thoughtful silence.
"I can use Meteo," Golbez finally said, "what about it, shall I?"
"Err...?" Leonardo mumbled.
"You can use Meteo?" the pointy brown-hair without bandana said, "cool, me too!"
"Really? What level are you at?" Golbez asked, intrigued.
Leonardo used the moment's forgetfulness and hurriedly turned to the one hanging by his side.
"Take that stuff later, right now we must think. Do you have some ideas, boy?" the big turtle asked.
"No," the boy said.
He was only about ten, wearing blue shorts and blue-yellow-striped shirt. On his head was a red baseball-cap, and he was also equipped with a small backpack.
"Why would a child like you get imprisoned here?" Maxim kindly asked.
"Dunno," the boy said, "I am Ness from Earthbound, so at least I'm a RPG-hero. And he over there ain’t much older than me either, really."
He pointed at the brown-hair with headband, who snorted.
"You little brat, I dare say I'm a few years older than you! I am the Boy of Secret of Mana!"
"Don't you have a name?" the elf-warrior asked.
"I'm pretty anonymous."
"That's pretty stupid," the man with sand-colored hair said with a smirk.
"It's not!" Hero snapped, "let's just proceed."
The last one in the row was the elf, and he just shook his head.
"No suggestions?" Magus submitted, "well then, there must be something which we have in common since we are here. Let's try to figure out what that is, alright?"
"OK," everyone nodded.
"We'll tell a little about ourselves and then we'll try to think of some kind of connection. I am Magus, the evil Prince of Darkness from Chrono Trigger, who abandons my dark paths (more or less, anyway), to help the heroes kill Lavos. But my only wish is revenge and to find my sister Schala."
"I am Frog," the first green one said, "I am a knight of Guardia, and Magus turned me into a frog after killing my best friend Cyrus. I wield the Masamune, due to the legend the only sword which can defeat the dark wizard."
"That's crap," Magus said, "the only special thing about the Masamune is that it lowers my magic resistance so that I become vulnerable in battle."
"Why did I say 'crap'?" he said, "I meant to say 'crap'. Crap, the censoring is still working."
"Good to hear," the brown hair without headband said with a relieved sigh, "that means that at least something is still normal... whatever, next!"
"I'm Cecil from FFII/FFIVj. In the beginning of my quest, I am a dark knight, but later on I become a paladin."
"And I am Golbez who Cecil fights against throughout most of the game," the man in black said, "then it turns out we are brothers, so we go to the moon and jumps up and down on Zeromus a bit, side by side."
"Aww..." everyone smiled.
"Pretty good teamwork considering the fact that you brainwashed my best friend, was about to destroy my planet, tried to kill me and stole my girlfriend," Cecil said with a warm smile filled with the love of a brother.
"I didn't exactly steal her, dear brother," Golbez kindly pointed out, "I kidnapped her and was about to cut her in half."
"But you're still my brother, whatever you did."
Everyone else sighed deeply.
"My turn!" Ryu said before it all became too sweet, "I am Ryu of the Light dragons, from Breath of Fire I. I'm trying to get to Sande, the land of the evil Dark dragons, to avenge their assault against my village and find my sister Sara who was abducted in the attack. Me and my friends were just about to enter Zog's castle when I found myself here instead."
As the blue-haired boy ended his story, Boy cleared his throat.
"As I said, I'm the Boy of Secret of Mana. I wields the Mana sword in my battle against the evil empire and Thanatos the vile warlock or wizard, necromancer or whatever he is. me and my friends Sprite and Girl were riding Flammie in the search for the Pure land when I suddenly was hanging here."
"What is a 'flammie'?" Ness asked.
"It's a white dragon."
"Then why don't you call it 'White Dragon'?"
There was a silent moment before the humor was grasped. Then everybody laughed a bit.
"OK," Boy admitted, "that was pretty fun. So who's next?"
"I am," the green earlier-put-under-pressure one said, "I'm Leonardo, leader of the Turtles, wielding two katanas."
"There's something about the Turtles-games which always bugged me," the man with sand-colored hair said, "how come you heal perfectly well just by eating pizza?"
"Yeah," Cecil said, "that's really weird."
"Oh yeah?" Leonardo snapped, "as I remember, the characters in Secret of Mana eat candy to keep in shape, what does the dentists say? What kind of medicine is that, eh?"
"At least I don't eat fast-food all the time," Boy snorted, "no wonder people get fatter and fatter when the heroes of a classic cartoon and several games eat dribbling pizzas and still keep in great shape."
"Why you little brat...!"
"Stop it!" Magus snapped, "stick to the point!"
"And that comes from someone who needs daily drugs to keep standing," Leonardo grumbled.
"You just take a sip of a herbal potion, and you're ready to fight again. You abuser!"
"Now thou hast done it," Frog mumbled, without much compassion.
Magus opened his clutched fists, then he froze, thoughtful.
"What do you say, fellow drug addicts?" he snarled, "I can blow him into pieces with either Dark Bomb or Dark Matter, strangle him with Dark Mist, kill him instantly, drown, freeze, fry or roast him. Now what will it be?"
"Eh, violence is not the answer," Leonardo carefully said, despite his profession, "besides, there's children here."
"I don't mind," Ness grinned.
"Why you little alcoholic… you eat hamburgers to heal, and pizza too!"
"That's true, but at the same time, I sport a lot. Baseball, you know."
"And you mean that my training isn't healthy?" Leonardo snapped.
"Move out of the sewers and we can talk."
"That's easy for you to say! You're not a man-sized turtle, so people don't scream when they see you!"
"Ever heard of plastic surgery?"
"Cut it out," Maxim said, "we can settle this when we're free, right now I think that it's more important that we figure out what the crap is going on. Sandy, you're next."
The man with sand-colored hair and headband nodded and spoke:
"I am Locke from FF3/FF6j."
He became thoughtfully quiet.
"Hey, isn't it fascinating that so many of us have the same hairdo?" he said.
He pointed at Cecil, Hero, himself, brown-hair without bandana, Maxim and a new guy who hung at the elf's side, gasping in surprise. After a few raised eyebrows everyone spoke up at the same time:
"Eh? Where did you come from?"
The new one had blond, spiky hair, bandana and light clothes which looked Asian.
"I don't know, what… where the crap is this?" he said, "I can't hang here, I have to save the world!"
"Calm thy tongue and listen; we have suffered the same faith as thee," one of the veteran prisoners said.
Frog looked at the last one speaking and said:
"Magus, ‘tis my line."
"Oh, right. Sorry, my mistake."
"Didn't anyone see him enter?" Boy asked.
Everyone shook their heads.
"Does anyone of you know what this place is?" the newbie asked.
"No," the elf told him, "but we're trying to find something we have in common. Where are you from?"
"I'm Ark of Terrangima."
“Ark?” Boy said, “I like it…”
“We’re aaall in the same name category…” Magus sighed.
“Have no idea what you’re talking about," the new one said, "but anyway, I’m used to it. So what do you guys know about this situation?"
"Not much," Maxim sighed and started to point at the prisoners, "but that's Magus, Frog, Cecil, Golbez, Ryu, Hero, Leonardo, Locke, brown-hair without bandana, I'm Maxim, those pieces of cloth were a Power Ranger (all hail our savior Magus), Megaman, Ness, elf in green clothes and you, Ark."
There was a sudden buzz, and Magus' chain moved a couple of feet away from Frog. In the empty space, a new prisoner appeared. His wild, chestnut-red hair waved as he raised his head in surprise.
"...?!" he said.
"Man, another pointy-hair, and I just did all the names!" Maxim moaned, "couldn't you have shown up just one minute earlier?"
"...!" the newbie said.
"Crono?" Magus and Frog said simultaneously.
"Can't he speak?" Megaman asked.
Frog lifted himself a bit as he tried to shrug his shoulders.
"I dost not know," the green knight said, "I hath never heard him utter a single word, yet he is my dear comrade and the leader of the heroes in Chrono Trigger."
"But if he don't talk," Locke slowly said, blankly, "how do you know his name?"
"He told us, of course," Magus said.
"Oh, did he become mute during your quest?" Boy asked.
"No, he always was."
"He dost speak in one of the endings," Frog pointed out.
"Yes. Watch Schala open the door, but don't power up the pendant. Go kill Lavos instead. That's it. Then he'll have two lines," the warlock said.
"Is he speaking or not?!" the non-timetravelers asked, getting pretty frustrated.
"Crono," Magus said, "tell them about yourself."
The main character of Chrono Trigger nodded.
"..." he said.
"That's scary!" Megaman finally shuddered.
"Yeah," Locke said, "I mean, he..."
"If I had been there, no freaky robots in a dark future would have stood a chance!"
"Eh, right (man, what a bad joke!). So who's turn is it?"
"You're not done yet, Locke," the elf pointed out.
"Right. Well me, Celes, Edgar and Gogo were just about to hunt some tyrannosaurs down so that we could level up before going to kick Kefka's back."
"I wish I'd made it all through, to the ending scenes. Celes gives me a kiss after that I save her from falling in the tower, but it's never shown to the gamers..."
"Stop the spoiling!" Ness warned.
"Right. Sorry," Locke said, "so, brown-hair without headband, who're you?"
"Butz from FF5. Nice to meet you all."
He looked thoughtful.
"By the way… why am I right here? Wouldn't it more logical if I was between Golbez and Locke?"
With a buzz Ryu, Boy, Leonardo, Locke and Butz disappeared. They materialized again, this time in a new order. Now they were placed as following: Butz, Locke, Ryu, Boy and Leonardo.
"Much better," Butz nodded, "now we have FF4, FF5 and FF6 in a neat row. So, me and Lenna, Cara and Faris were in the Cleft of Dimension, approaching Apocalypse for a save state."
"Are you in the same team as Boy, Ark and the CTs, by any chance?" Golbez asked.
"No, but you've got a point... who makes all these 'names' up, anyway?"
"No idea. Well, it's Maxim's turn."
The red-hair nodded.
"I'm from Lufia II, and me, Guy, Artea and my wife Selan were on our quest searching for the sacred sword Dual blade in order to be able to defeat the Sinistrials."
"I hate sacred swords!" Magus and Golbez grumbled simultaneously.
"I never wielded a sword especially dangerous for you, brother," Cecil pointed out, "and didn't you say it was crap, Magus?"
"Part of the job," the two more or less converted evil ones explained.
"Alright," Maxim said, "if Magus hadn't perished the Red Ranger -bless you, vile warlock- , we'd have to listen to his speeches now, but instead, I present to you... Megaman. What were you doing?"
"I had just begun nr. 7 of my series, and that nerd Bass had just shot at me and annoyed me. I didn't even have time to think of how I'd kick his back, before I found myself here."
"You said 'kick his back' too?" Locke pointed out, "in reality you mean 'kick his back', right?"
"Right. Hard! Grr..."
"Stop chewing on the bolts... Ness, what about you?"
"Me and my friends Paula, Jeff and Poo were looking for a cure for shyness."
Another silence. Finally, the elf cleared his throat.
"Err, right. I'm Link, and I was about to take care of the third crystallized maiden in A Link to the Past when suddenly wham! I was here instead."
"A Link to the Past?" Butz repeated, "that's... fun. Almost, anyway."
"I found it silly, really." the hero in green clothes said.
"Hey," Ark said with a broad smile, "if you're Link, that means you're my ancestor!"
"Mine too!" Boy exclaimed, "Zelda for the NES was the first action-RPG! Nice too meet you, I'm your biggest fan, gramps."
"The same to you and thank you," Link said, "I think..."
"My turn!" Ark said, "I'm from Terrangima, and I need to get back to my game and save the plants, the birds, the animals, the humans, find out that my guide wants to kill me and watch Elle get..."
"Stop! Spoil-alert!" Butz interrupted.
"Right. Shame on me."
Ark's gaze flew over the line of his fellow prisoners.
"So," he said, "what do we all have in common?"
"You're the cold thinker, Magus," Locke said, "so think!"
"Don't fret me," the warlock said, "I'm working on it..."
He frowned, and everybody awaited the result of his calculations.
"Well," he finally said, "if it hadn't been for Megaman, Leonardo and the late Power Ranger, we'd all come from RPGs. But that's a bit vague, just as we're all characters of SNES-games. If that was it, there would be a larger crowd here, wouldn't it?"
"Right," everyone else nodded (except Crono, since he never said very much).
"Neither me nor Golbez are as disgustingly good straight through as the rest of you, so that can't be it either."
"I'm not good straight through!" Megaman protested, "I consist of a lot of cables, chips and titanium."
"Right, right," the warlock sighed, rolling his eyes, "my point is, not everyone here is a hero. Some have the same haircut, but not all of us."
"You don't have clue, have you?" Ness said.
"Not a single one," Magus admitted, shaking his head.
"What about making a good deed at least once in our lives?" Ryu suggested.
"Good thinking," the scythe-carrier said, "but why was the Power Ranger here, then?"
"Oh, right. I didn't consider that."
"What about marriage?" Maxim tried, "or am I the only hitched one?"
"Yes, you lucky chap!" everyone apart from Crono exclaimed.
"Crap, am I one unlucky crapper or what?" Cecil sighed, "there everyone is talking like mad about my and Rosa's wedding, we wave at the gamer and the whoosh! the credits roll. We never get married for real..."
"That's too bad, I have the same trouble with Celes," Locke said, "everyone wants us to be a couple, but it never becomes completely sure if we really are."
"I know what we all have in common," Link lazily said.
"Really?" the other prisoners (still no Crono) said, "what then?"
"We're crappy hanging in our crappy wrists in a crap other dimension a crappy hundred yards above the crap ground!" the elf screamed, "aaahrgh! I'm crappy freaking out!"
Ness poked the elf's shoulder with his small foot.
"There, there…" the young boy softly said, calming, "it'll be alright."
"Oh, thanks... thank you..." Link sobbed.
"Thee knoweth what?" Frog said, "I beliveth that I knoweth how we canst solveth this riddle."
"Just as long as you don't get hysterical," Leonardo said, "go on."
Frog cleared his throat and moaned:
"Woe art us! Who be this vile foe who hasth the power to trap us here? Who hasth got that power? Woe art us!"
There was a dark twirl in the colorful air. Everyone, except the mute one of course:
"Hey, it worked! Oh, my God..."
The dark twirl turned into several strange and vilely smirking creatures.
"Err... be that a transvestite clown-angel?" Frog grimaced.
"It's Kefka!" Locke explained, rolling his eyes, "and that? Is that a genetic engineered seal fused with a seagull, a robot and a dog?"
"No, that’s Lavos," Magus sighed.
He frowned and said:
"Would somebody explain to me what that is? The Death of hogs?"
"Ganon, and that was a great description," Link nodded, "but that fat kid inside a metallic spider, what's that supposed to be?"
"That?" Ness said and sighed, "he's a heavily armed Pokey, the true meaning of crappy brat. What is an electrical shocked Alfred Nobel doing inside an UFO?"
"It's Dr. Wily," Megaman told the boy, "but what the crap? An icicle alien?"
"Not an alien, Dark Gaia," Ark corrected, "and that is a big, slimy blob as big as a car?"
"The Lime slime," Boy said and raised his voice, "hey blobby, where's Thanatos?"
The pile of yuck formed a mouth and said:
"Sorry, he's busy. Reviving the Mana Fortress and all, you know."
"Oh. Alright, then," Boy said.
He looked around and then spoke again:
"So, what's that big red cloak with a small head and a big hand?"
"Daos of the Sinistrials," Maxim explained and watched the evil crowd for a moment, "eh? A big bald man with a pink blob in his stomach?"
"Krang," Leonardo muttered, "and a big monster tree?"
"It's Exdeath!" Butz exclaimed, "and beside him is... a big, angry hairball?"
"Zeromus before using the crystal to summon light," Cecil told his friends.
"I don't get it," Golbez said, "a dragon's head and a piece of it's neck, floating around without a body?"
"Zog," Ryu said, "now who's left for me to give a stupid description...?"
His gaze went over the evil ones a couple of times before he spotted his prey.
"Hey you, goldie!" the Light dragon called to the in compare to the others small monster, "how are you supposed to fly using those thin wings, with such a muscular body and a heavy armor of gold, eh?"
"How dare you question my costume?!" the monster growled, "I am Goldar, major minion of queen Rita!"
He looked at the line of prisoners, frowning.
"Hey," he said, "what have you done to the Red Ranger?"
"He's from the Power Ranger-series," Krang said after a moment.
"Hidden blow; Crying Heavens!" Lavos exclaimed.
"He obviously is not that bad either," Frog said as molten gold fell to the white ground.
"Maybe you're right." Magus thoughtfully admitted.
"Silence!" Zeromus demanded, "I suppose you all wonder why we'd brought you here..."
"What is this?" Maxim said, "a crossover or a detective story? Why yes, we want to know that! And also how you did it, and how you'll be defeated!"
"You have some nerve!" Exdeath snapped, waving angrily with his big branches.
"You should know him as I do!" Daos growled, "oh, how I've dreamed about to see you hanging like that, Maxim, helpless and trembling before me! Ha, ha, ha!"
"Man!" Ark sighed, "I'd give my holy spear for a villain that can laugh scarily!"
"What's that supposed to mean, boy?" Dark Gaia screeched, "you little never obeying brat..."
"Hey there gramps!" the hero of Terrangima said with a big puppy-eyed smile, "I just got game over before I came here, did I finally do something right?!"
Dark Gaia raised his hand and used his steel-claws to scratch his diamond head. The sound which that created was similar to nails over a blackboard, but the evil one didn't even notice that his fellows fell to the ground. Neither did he see that the prisoners twisted in pain, gritted their teeth and desperately tried to reach their ears to escape the awful sound.
"Well," the short-of-attention vile creature finally said, "I suppose so… but…"
He looked around, finding himself the only one still in place and awake. Everyone of the imprisoned heroes had passed out because of the torture, and the evil guys all laid shaking on the ground, those who had ears and arms pressing their hands/tentacles against their ears (and similar).
"What's up with you guys?" Dark Gaia asked.
"Don't... do... that!" Ganon moaned between his clamped teeth.
Dark Gaia stupidly looked at his companions and reached up to…
"Nooo!" all of the wicked guys cried in despair, "stop! Please don't scratch your head!"
"Oh, sorry," the icicle creature said with an embarrassed smile.
Kefka got up and flapped with his big wings to reach new heights.
"Hate that sound," he screeched, "hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, haugh!"
Dark Gaia surpassed the transvestite angel a good hit in his head, knocking the moron to the ground and into silence.
"There, much better," the (first form of the) major boss of Terrangima's evil army said, "now, does anyone know healing magic so that we can awake our sleeping beauties here and continue the terror?"
"Are you crazy?" Exdeath said as he got up, "we're the last bosses all of us, well, almost… we can mostly heal ourselves at least once, but if we could do more, there'd never be an end of the battles, you know."
"My sister Erim isn't here, sorry," Daos said, "she can restore almost anything."
"Can't you call for her, then?" the heavily armed Pokey asked.
"No, she's busy learning to be a human, and she said she'd help one of Maxim's family-line to kill me if I disturbed her."
"Better not do that, then." Pokey said, rolling his eyes, "girls are so stupid. Hey, Dr. Wily, don't you have anything in that UFO of yours?"
"No, sorry," the mad scientist said, "this baby can only carry me and a box of monstrous contraptions I plan to use to convert Megaman into my minion, he'll make my older creation seem like kindergarten kids! Ha, ha, ha!"
"Ark's right," the Lime slime sighed, "you super-villains should take a few lessons in Laughing Madly."
"Silence!" Zog snapped, "don't mock our dark cause; take pride of serving the evil side!"
"And that comes from someone who tells the hero who defeats him that the youngster will be a great new king..." Krang muttered.
Zog turned his enormous head at the pink brain.
"Is it just me, or do the characters of TMNT all have a death wish?" the emperor of the Dark dragons growled, "I'm a good looser, apart from some other 'people' here!"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Krang screeched, beginning to modify his body's right arm into a cannon simply by pushing some buttons, "crap you, I'll..."
"Shuddap!" Zeromus snapped, "stop it, I'll take care of this."
He put some of his wild, grey hair in his mouth (in loss of fingers), and whistled.
"Hey, Rubicant!" he called, "get over here right now!"
A flame erupted from nowhere, and a tall, red-skinned man with horns and a torn, red cape entered through the heat.
"You called, master?" the Fiend of Fire from FF2/FF4j said.
Zeromus pointed at the unconscious prisoners with some of his hair.
"Restore those people," the hair-ball demanded, "that's what you always do, heal your enemies... and you're supposed to be my major minion? I should really give you the boot..."
"Sorry master," Rubicant said and bowed, "I will take care of everything for you."
"Just awake the heroes, OK?"
A moment later, all of the prisoners were yawning.
"Ahh… I slept well," Ark sighed, "but grandpa, please don't scratch your head again."
"I won't," Dark Gaia promised, "sorry."
"Are you two really related?" Cecil asked.
"It's a long story," the big grey-light-blue-white creature said, "but I shouldn't spoil it for new gamers."
"Right!" Daos said, "where were we? Oh, yeah. Helpless and trembling before me, Maxim! Ha!"
"Yeah, right," the red-hair muttered, "I'm about to wet my pants..."
"You have some nerve!" Ganon growled, "all of you are completely helpless! You can't exactly fight in such conditions! And those chains are magical; no hero can use magic if he is bound by those! You are our prey, ha, ha, ha!"
All of the evil ones tried to laugh wickedly. Pokey was, stupidly enough, the most successful one.
(For the sake of no reason, the following scene is in script format.)
Bound heroes: "...?"
Magus: "Dark Matter!"
Locke: "Why is Kefka lying down there?"
Evil guys: "What?! AHHHH!!"
(End script format.)
First the black-white triangle-void Magus conjured threw every tree, transvestite, madman etc. around in the weird space, then they were all knocked out for a while by the enormous, burning rocks of Meteo.
"Ha! Losers!" Ness yelled, "neither Golbez nor Magus is a true hero! Ha, ha, ha!"
All the prisoners laughed so wickedly that their enemies trembled for a moment, until they remembered who's who.
"Why you...!" the evil ones growled, trying to get up.
"I hate you, hate, hate, hate..."
"Shuddap Kefka, for God's sake!" everyone yelled.
The pandemonium had obviously awoken the mad clown-angel. Now he soared upwards, giggling and screeching.
"Oh, crap..." Locke whispered as the claw-like hand rushed towards the thie… treasure hunter's head.
"Destroy! Hee, hee, hee!"
"Hey, that's my headband!" Locke called, "get back here you idiot!"
"Can't anyone make him shut up?" Hero moaned.
Then his head was thrown aside as Kefka flew by.
"Hey! Gimme my bandana, moron!" the young boy yelled.
"Destroy, destroy, destroy words!!"
"What are you doing you crap… mh mmfm hmm mhf!" Magus and Golbez shouted, then muffled.
"Eughh!" Locke groaned, "and I'd gotten really sweaty during the fight with that Magimaster..."
"Thou art almost as green in thy face as me, Magus," Frog said.
"Mhmmhmfh mh!" the warlock replied.
"Are you alright, bro?" Cecil asked.
"Mfh!" Golbez growled.
"What did he say?" Ness wondered.
"He said 'crap'," Crono explained.
Silence. Then everyone who could do so shouted:
"Crono, you speak?!"
"...?" the time-traveler said, very innocently.
Another silence. Then everybody just shook their heads, deciding not to make things complicated.
"Ha!" Pokey said, "Kefka might be the looniest nut-case around here, but he's pretty smart anyway..."
"Destroy, destroy, destroy, ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee!"
"Could somebody please knock him out again?" Link sighed.
"Sure," Lavos said, "come here, you big pest..."
The parasite alien soared through the air towards Kefka, who flew away, laughing madly. They hunted each other through the weird space, creating such a wind that the prisoners began to swing back and forth.
"I get seasick..." Megaman moaned.
"You're a robot!" Dr. Wily exclaimed, "you can't get sick at all!"
"What would you know about it? You're just a mad scientist that creates one stupid robot after another, and then leave it to me to dispatch them!"
"You stupid little... no wait, you're right."
"Mhhmhfm!" Magus croaked.
His normally vampire-pale face was turning more and more green. Frog used the swing he already had and waved with his legs to get even higher. Doing that, he managed to grip the headband with his feet and rip it out of Magus mouth.
"What did thee sayeth?" the knight asked.
"A-air!" Magus gasped.
"Dost thee feel better yet?" Frog kindly said.
“Good to hear."
And with that, Frog swung back and pushed the cloth into Magus mouth again. The glare that the knight got in return could easily have roasted any man. The frog's cloak caught fire.
"Oww! Hot, hot, hot!"
Lavos and Kefka brushed by, their speed and wind blowing out the flames.
"Mhmm mfh hmmfmmh mh, mhm mmfhmhm hm mhmmf!" Magus growled.
"Excuse me?" Cecil said.
"He listed a few things he'll do with Frog when he gets his hands free," Crono reported and shuddered, "you don't wanna know."
"Mhmfm mh hmmfm hmhmmf mmhfmhm hm fmhmm hmm mmh mhmm mhh etc.!" Magus snarled.
His mumbling continued for half an hour. The only reason that nobody fell asleep was that the warlock even could make a half-strangled "mmh!" sound fierce. He was truly the ultimate embodiment of evil itself.
Crono shuddered as Magus finally became quiet.
"Frog," the mute boy said, "I hope you have a lot of insurances, because there won't be much left of you when Magus is done."
"I fear him not," the knight snorted, "and ‘tis that."
"I don't know, he promised to cut your..."
"Be mute, boy!" everyone that could speak shouted.
"...?" Crono said.
(Once again script format, this time to illustrate a lot of things being said almost at the same time.)
Kefka: "Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee...!"
Lavos: "Stand still you crappy crap-crapper!"
The hero of Terrangima reached out a leg, and Kefka stumbled in the air. Still screeching and giggling, the transvestite clown fell through the strange clouds of the dimension, and splashed into the Lime slime.
"...!" Crono grimaced.
"Hmm!" Magus and Golbez clearly said.
Everyone else simply went:
Even though he was inside of a big, slimy lump, Kefka didn't stop laughing, waving madly with his long arms, legs and wings.
"Blobby, spit him out for all the gods' sake," Ganon sighed.
"OK," the slime said.
It formed a mouth on top of itself and shot Kefka straight upwards. Lavos grabbed the crazy angel and knocked him out.
"There, much better," Zog said with a happy sigh as the clown crashed on the white ground, heavenly silent.
"Now then," Maxim said, "could we get to the point? Why are we here, why us and how didya do it?"
"It's simple," Krang said with a wicked sneer, "1, we wanted to have our revenge on you, of course. 2, you were all chosen by us, your worst enemies, when we had a meeting. 3, it's a secret!"
"That's not fair! I want to know!" Maxim groaned.
"You'll die curious!" Daos sneered.
"Crap… is all of that really true?" Butz asked, suspicious.
"Well no," Pokey admitted, "to be honest, we were bribed by..."
"Quiet, you idiot!" Krang snapped and hit the top of Pokey's spider-robot-armor with his right, metallic fist.
The heavily armed brat fell to the ground and crashed nicely at Kefka's side.
"Bribed?" Megaman exclaimed, "by who and why?"
"Silence!" Dr. Wily demanded, "it's time for payback!"
Everyone except the scientist sighed.
"Dr.," Megaman said, "one say 'it's payback time'!"
"Whatever, party-time! Hee, hee!"
"Hold it!" Locke shouted.
The evil crowd halted the approaching and said:
"What is it now?"
"Both Kefka and Pokey are still unconscious, it's not nice of you to leave them behind." Locke pointed out.
"Right, good thinking, thief," Zeromus nodded, "Rubicant, get back here!"
"That's treasure hunter!" Locke snapped.
"Are you sadistic or just plain stupid?" Ness asked the offended one.
"I just like playing fair, that's all."
"You do?" Rubicant said and smiled, "me too, I love it!"
"Really? Good to hear!"
"Stop the chitchatting and awake the sleeping morons!" Zeromus ordered.
"Of course, master." (Anyone ever played Warcraft II, commanding a Death knight?)
A moment later:
"Hate, hate, hate...!"
"Ohhh... mommy, my head hurt..."
"Just shut up and do your stuff!" Exdeath sighed.
"Right! Prepare to suffer by our hate!" (believe it or not...) Kefka and Pokey shouted.
"Yes!" Krang smirked, "let's start the frying, tearing and major torturing! Everyone's got their own prey, ha, ha, ha!"
"Locke," Ness said, with a lot of feeling in his words, "I hate you."
The evil guys rushed upwards.
"Great," Butz moaned, "and I thought it was bad enough to get abducted by a bird-creature and end up in Exdeath's castle the first thing happening on the second world..."
"Nothing can save you now!" Dark Gaia screeched.
Everybody froze and glared at the icicle alien, who covered his mouth with his hands and groaned with rising fear:
"Crap, I said the forbidden words...!"
"Yes!" Cecil yelled, "we're all doomed! Final turn!"
"It's all hopeless!" Leonardo exclaimed with a vile smile, "we're never getting out of here alive!"
"No use fighting, we won't make it!" Ness laughed.
"Our friends will search and cry for us in vain!" Ryu smirked.
"Man, is this gonna hurt..." Krang moaned.
"Right you are, blobby!" a completely new voice called, "don't you dare even think of touching my Ness!"
Krang's robot body was hit in the back by a frying-pan Deluxe and crashed on the white ground.
"Go Paula, go Paula!" Ness cheered.
"Look out, she's got a teddy-bear!" Dark Gaia screamed and soared downwards to escape the wrath of the small, blond girl wearing a pink dress.
However, the evil one of Terrangima received a not too soft hit in his neck by the non-sharp edge of a pair of scissors, model weaver's. He screeched and tried to fly away, followed by a young woman with a wild, deeply purple mane of a hair.
"You fake old man!" she shouted, "I hate you! Trying to hurt my Ark, eh?!"
"Elle!" Ark cheered, "get him!”
Lavos rose screaming in fear, trying to avoid several arrows, a thrown pendant and a golden hairpin with a royal crest.
"...!!" Crono smiled.
"Mhmmh?" Magus sounded.
"My liege?!" Frog shouted.
"We're coming, Crono!" Marle yelled and aimed carefully, while queen Leene reached for her earrings and Schala drifted upwards through the aquarellic clouds.
The blue-haired woman carefully removed the headband from Magus mouth.
"Hello, little brother," she kindly said.
"Scha -cough- la!?" the warlock coughed, trying to regain his breath, "what -cough- are you -cough- doing here -cough-?"
"I'm saving you, what does it look like? Excuse me for a moment... can I borrow that?"
"Thank you, lady!" Golbez sighed as Schala flew after Lavos, ready to hit him with two not very dry headbands.
"Hey look, brother!" Cecil said with a broad smile, "it's Rosa!"
Zeromus screamed in horror while the White mage summoned Holy.
"Leave me alone! Help!" Pokey yelled as his robot-armor crawled as fast as it could over the ground, with Paula gaining on him.
"I've got urgent matters to attend to elsewhere..." the Lime slime mumbled and backed as a blond girl in a pink outfit much like Marle's clothing approached him, warningly holding a spear.
"Count on me, Boy!" the girl yelled.
"Way to go, Girl!" Boy yelled, smiling widely.
Meanwhile, Zog was flying around like mad, trying to avoid the attacks of a young, winged woman in a baby-blue swimsuit-type dress. She looked very fierce for being an angel-looking being, wielding a flaming rapier.
"That's the spirit, Nina!" Ryu laughed.
"Thanks, my friend!" the bird-woman called back, "would somebody please get the transvestite there to stop winking at me?"
A blond woman wearing a white cloak and keeping a sword by her belt stepped out of Pokey's way and raised her hands, calling:
This naturally caused Kefka to yell in a rather high-pitched voice:
"Aiiiee! Hot, hot, hot!"
"Celes!" Locke yelled, "man, I missed you!"
"You're so sweet when you know I'm on your side!" she smiled up at him.
Kefka soared past Dr. Wily's UFO, trying to fly fast enough for the flames in his clothes to cease. The scientist couldn't help the mad angel, though, since a blond bombshell was jumping on his vehicle, yelling:
"Take this, and this, and this, and this!"
"Roll, you're my hero!" Megaman yelled, twitching with laughter at the stupid sight.
"No, pleeease, no crystal shards!" Ganon cried, "it hurts!"
"I'll get you for crystals, you pig!" a dark-blond young woman with a coronet and a very impressive, softly red/deeply pink dress growled.
"Give him a crap, Zelda!" Link yelled, smiling.
Ganon teleported himself out of the dimension, not able to take anymore. Zelda turned around to help Paula beat the crap out of Pokey. She had to duck out of the way for a very upset, grown woman with long, brown hair, dressed in a yellow overall and equipped with a microphone. She was hunting Krang, and he wasn't happy about it.
"Disgusting brain-thing!" she growled, "I'll make you wish you were never born or engineered in a lab or however you came to the world!"
"Go for it, April!" Leonardo merrily called.
Exdeath had big trouble trying to fight off a bard, a dancer and a samurai.
"Nooo!" he cried, "stop it! Please!"
"Keep up the great work, girls!" Butz shouted.
"Bapi do, dum do da dopedoda!" Lenna sang to accompany Cara's sword dance on Exdeath's trunk.
Faris helped her sister to keep the rhythm going wild by throwing gils at the foe.
Daos had the hardest time of his life trying to defend himself from a woman with green hair and ponytail, equipped with a staff and a sword.
"Give him a straight left in the stomach, honey!" Maxim cheered, "and a right in the face! And a knee in the... oh, that hurt!"
"Do you give up?" Selan asked, grinning wickedly.
"Yes..." Daos whined.
The leader of the Sinistrials teleported away, fleeing just like Ganon had done. Calculating the odds, the other evil guys were smart enough to do the same.
"Yay! Victory!" the female heroes of the day cheered.
"Yay! We're saved!" the male, for once rescued ones, happily concluded.
A short while later, the prisoner's had been freed, and the men, women, children, robots and mutants/under-spell-ones had assembled down on the ground.
"It was really fun talking to you guys," Hero said, "I think I'll miss you."
"Yeah," Ark nodded, "we should meet again someday."
Megaman looked around, scanning the crowd.
"Hey ladies," he said, "were there a Power Ranger with you, by any chance?"
"Yes, there was a Pink," Nina said, "but Schala sent a few lightning-bolts her way, so..."
"All hail the characters of Chrono Trigger, who saves us from Power Rangers!" Butz stated.
"Amen!" everyone else nodded.
"I believeth that the time for sad departure is upon us," Frog concluded, "we must all returneth to our games now."
"Right," Magus snarled, "and you just wait until the credits roll, you pest!"
"Yes, yes... I knoweth."
"Hey Frog," Crono said, with his voice filled with compassion, "just tell me if you want help when he has drawn out..."
"Silence!" everyone else pleaded.
"..." Crono sighed.
"Goodbye then, my friends," Ark said.
Everyone waved at the others and started to dematerialize. All except Celes.
"I'll be there in a minute, Locke," she told her fading friend/secret lover, "I just dropped something."
She waited until everyone was truly gone, then she turned around and spoke.
"OK, Daos, get back here."
The main Sinistrial, brother of Erim, major boss of Lufia I and II appeared once more in the strange dimension.
"Ouch," he grumbled, rubbing the back of his neck, "did you have to be so rough?"
"Sorry," Celes said, "we got carried away."
She reached into her magical pockets and brought forth a bag, which due to the sound and looks was filled with coins. Daos took it from her and said:
"Thank you very much, nice doing business with you."
"You made a good job," Celes smiled, "tell the others I and the other girls said that."
"OK… one last thing, should we try to explain what this was all about to the poor readers?"
Celes cleared her throat and said:
"It's simple. Me and the other girls met on a bar and decided that we were fed up with being rescued all the time, so we bribed the evil guys to kidnap all of the men, so that we could save them for once."
"Yeah," Daos said, "but what about Ark? Doesn't Elle save him once?"
Celes shrugged her shoulders.
"She happened to be around, and wanted to be there to hear him thank her afterwards instead of dying."
"Right. That's a sad part. But..."
"What about Golbez?" he said, "I mean, he was never even close to have a girlfriend or similar."
"Oh, him. He was only there because the author desperately wanted the silly list-all- past-sins-then-smile-with-the-love-of-a-brother-joke. Any more questions?"
"Nah, I'm done. Have a nice day."
"The same to you," Celes smiled.
Both of them disappeared, leaving the dimension. Hopefully, it was emptied forever.
The End. Thank God.