The King of Fanfiction
Stage 1: The Castle of Fanfiction
Chancellor Magus and Lord Starstorm paced in front of the large door leading to Weiila's private quarters. Star checked his watch. 10:30 exactly. How long does she sleep, anyway?
Finally, Magus had had enough. Grabbing his nearby scythe, he chopped the door into firewood. Lowly serfs grabbed the pieces and ran off as the two walked inside.
Weiila was still in bed, moaning and groaning. The two approached her carefully, with Magus being warey of what women are capable of when awakened and Star simply being cat-like. Finally, they nudged Weiila a bit. She woke up with a start, smacking Magus into a far wall and pushing Star into a dresser. Finally, she started to rise from the bed, but was obviously not in the best of conditions. Her face was flushed, her eyes were glazed-over, and her nose sounded stuffed. Finally, she just collapsed onto the ground.
Naturally, the entire castle went into a complete panic. Many were trampled trying to make the climb up to Weiila's room. In fact, Tenchimaru Dracones himself crushed about half of them just for the hell of it. Weiila's body was taken off to the doctor, while everyone awaited the news of what had happened to her.
Finally, they learned the terrible news: nearly a year of stress, caused by someone that's name started with a "d", had weakened Weiila's immune system to the point where she couldn't do anything anymore. She would be bedridden for a while.
"Shit!" said Star. "We have to tell King Mazrim right away!"
"Maz, sadly, is no longer king," said TD. "He lost the title when he dissapeared for six months. It's written in the fanfiction charter, article 90, section XXIV."
"...you read that whole thing? Man, you have no life."
"Shut up!" TD paced wildly. "We have to find her a king, and fast! Now what does the charter say about this again..."
They returned to the castle, with Star using his cat-like reflexes to keep up with TD at full gallop. They ran to the charter and found what they were looking for.
"In case of the injury or death of the current ruler of the Castle of Fanfiction, a contest must be held. Rare artifacts from the castle past have been hidden for just such an occassion. They must all be returned. The winner shall be named the King/Queen of Fanfiction."
They quickly went to the phones to gather whoever was interested.
Galloway was back in the bunker, working on that potion of his, when he recieved the call. After learning that he could be king, he stuffed his poor victims into a big sack and teleported back immediately.
Ersatz was in a dark valley, writing about scary stuff and such, when he got the call. He jumped onto a souped-up mustang and rode off.
Archone was sleeping when the call came in. He left immediately, as well, although no one knows HOW he got there.
Val got the call, grabbed Gungnir, and left for the Castle. She may be a woman, but she could be King!
(Hey, it worked for QFGV, didn't it?)
Kaiser was being worshipped in his fan club when a follower gave him the message. He quickly ran out the door and towards the castle.
Wil was eating a large pizza and playing a Breath of Fire game (may God have mercy on his soul) when the call came. He left his beloved home and went to the castle immediately.
Dante, Scott Baird, and Sephiroth Hayes were sleeping in the woods when a bear gave them the call. They left after hearing the message, but not before wondering how a bear got a phone in the first place.
Meanwhile, an evil shadowy force did an evil shadowy laugh, then accidently turned the lights on and blinded itself.
Stage 2: The Challenge
The small troop gathered at the gates of the castle. The guards parted, allowing them access into the courtyard, where Chancellor Magus awaited them. TD and Star joined the ranks of the candidates. Just as Magus was about to begin, though, a man appeared, dressed in fine clothing. He closed the gates, then had his horse kick them open for dramatic effect. He rode right next to the nominees.
"I hear that lady Weiila is sick," said the man. "I, Mazrim Taim, former King of Fanfiction, have decided to reclaim my crown and become her partner-in-crime yet again." He dismounted his horse, which was carried off to the stables.
"Anyway," said Magus, "as you all know, the devil bitch known as Weiila has become ill due to stress. She amazingly survived, but is still weak from the troubles this has brought upon her. Therefore, this contest shall be held. The winner shall become king.
"Many years ago, when the evil demon Shaheen Jim ruled the land, King Mazrim and Lord Mr. Saturn hid a multitude of artifacts and relics in the deepest reaches of the land. Now a time of peace has come, but these items must be recovered.
"A total of thirteen objects exist. A list shall be provided for you. Remember that none of you are together. This is an all-out race for the prize. Should you or anyone else be caught or killed, we will disavow any knowledge of your actions, and I will say really bad things about you at your funeral. Okay, dismissed!"
Everyone muttered about how stupid this was, then turned to leave for the quest.
Mazrim looked at his list. This would be easy, he thought. After all, he hid the stuff to begin with. Of course he'd know where to look for it...
Then he remembered. During the desperate final battle against Shaheen Jim, he had been hit in the head by a rock. He had forgotten where these were! That's why he didn't get them back to begin with!
Everyone read their lists. The first item listed was the "Golden Quill", which was said to have been hidden somewhere in the Very Scary Forest of Bad Things. They quickly split up and headed towards the forest.
The doctor approached Weiila's bed. She had awakened, and seemed to be getting better.
"Tell me," she said, "is Galloway trying to kill TD for an update now?"
"No," said the doctor, "they both left on a quest. You see, due to your stress, the contest for the King of Fanfiction has been held."
The moment the words "King of Fanfiction" left the doctor's lips, Weiila grabbed a syringe, filled it with anasthetic, and used it to knock the doctor out. She then threw on her robe and flew out the window and back towards the castle.
Magus noticed a leftover list on the ground. As he bent to pick it up, though, Weiila dove in, grabbed it, and flew off towards the Very Scary Forest of Bad Things.
She had sworn a long time ago that there would not be another King of Fanfiction. The power was hers.
Not even someone as nice as she would give it up for anyone!
Stage 3: The Quest for the Golden Quill
Everyone arrived at different areas of the Very Scary Forest of Bad Things. They charged into the owl-infested, bat-infested, bear-infested, and things-that-defy-description-infested forest.
Everything seemed to either be dead or in a state of dying. Towering trees were bare and intimidating, bunching together to block out any and all traces of the sun. The small animals seemed to be mutant versions of their former selves; squirrels feasted on dead bodies, deer swallowed entire tree stumps, and bears grabbed birds out of the sky and tore them apart, then left their remains to rot. Nothing good could be said about this place.
Hayes carefully checked his trap. He was getting a bit hungry, and even the mutants in here were nicer than the man-eating plants that seemed to be everywhere. After baiting the trap, he sat in the shadows and waited.
Finally, something sprang the trap. He ran out to find what he had captured, only to see Dante hanging upside-down from the rope. Shrugging, Hayes turned and left, leaving Dante to cut himself down.
Val speared a deer, and was about to eat, when she heard a menacing growl from behind. She turned...and saw about eighty deer, their mouths covered in blood and filled with sharp fangs, charge forward. Screaming, Val grabbed her spear and ran deeper into the woods.
Finally, she collided head-on with Kaizer, who was busy running from an army of blood-thirsty porcupines. They ran off as the two montsrous creatures charged at them.
Galloway continued walking around, checking his list every now and then. He hardly noticed that he seemed to be passing the exact same rock formation every five seconds. Finally, it dawned on him: he was lost!
Setting down the sack, he pulled out his map of RPGC and took a good, long look at it. Strangely, there was no mention of this place at all. In fact, on the spot where it should have been was a place called the "Very Happy Forest of Good Things". Obviously, this was some kind of stupid joke.
The sound from the sack returned him to conciousness. He picked it back up and headed in the opposite direction, only to slip and fall down a muddy track.
Weiila landed on a tree branch and carefully looked around. Nothing was around her at the moment. Then she heard a loud hoot behind her.
She turned...and saw a massive army of vampiric owls. They charged forward as she flew off for her life.
Val finally found herself in the deepest part of the forest. With no bloody clue about where she was, she stumbled through the dark brush and dying plantlife, until she found a stone path. It lead into a clearing in the forest, where a house-like object was found.
Val started walking towards it, but then noticed something else walking towards it as well. Her keen eyes picked up what it was:
Dante shot himself down from the rope. Cocking his gun, he prepared to leave when he heard a massive growl from behind. He turned...and saw four flesh-eating Teletubbies lumbering towards him. He did what any sane person would do.
He ran, screaming like a little baby.
Maz walked around the outer rim of the forest. He tried to remember where he had placed that Quill long ago. Finally, he found the spot.
He moved the rock blocking the cave, only to find a note. It read:
Need a Quill? Tired of bratty kids? Talk to Whynie the Bitch for all of your bitchin' needs!
Maz concluded that the writer had intended "witch" instead of "bitch", but quickly followed the map on the back of the note.
Hayes walked for another five minutes before running back into Dante. Naturally, the now-escape was not happy about what happened before, but just then, the Teletubbies closed in on them. They jumped onto another muddy track, which sent them slipping down onto a sloped rock, which sent them flying out of the forest. They landed with a bang onto the top of a huge rock formation.
They were obviously out of the search for the Golden Quill, but could easily make it up in the next round.
Archone and Ersatz fought off the evil creatures, but where grabbed from behind. Needless to say, they were dragged off.
Weiila continued her panic flight away from the evil winged beasts. However, she was so paniced that she lost track of where she was going and ran head-on into Star, who was looking down from on top of a tree. The two then fell into a chimney.
They bounced off a metal pot and landed at the feet of a green, warted woman with a black robe and pointy black hat.
Galloway found the house to be made of nothing but candy. The walls were gingerbread, the chimney was licorice, and the dog crap out front bore a strange resemblance to chocolate pudding. Shrugging, he began to open the door.
Suddenly, he heard a loud whistling coming from behind. Val watched as her spear closed in on her target. A ripping noise was heard, followed by Gungnir imbedding itself on the chocolate door. Smiling, she walked forward, until she heard a voice from behind.
"Next time, Val, try to be a bit closer. Your spear made WAY too much noise."
The two entered a brief battle to the death, but things stopped when they both fell into a net. Just then, a very witch-like person began to approach them.
"Well, well," she said, "look what I caught!"
Weiila and Star broke out of the cage and searched the house for anything useful. Strangely, they found nothing. Just then, the witch began to return home. They jumped into a barrel and waited for her to come.
Maz found the house. He approached the witch and said, "Excuse me, oh farest hag, but do you have a Golden Quill?"
"Why, yes!" said the witch. "Come inside with me!" Dropping Galloway and Val with a thud, they walked inside.
The witch removed a secret panel from the wall and took out a magnificent golden quill. Handing it to Maz, she said, "Now, before you pay me, I have to bend way over this cauldron filled with corrosive green liquid, being careful not to fall in and melt into nothing." She then walked over to the cauldron and bent over.
Seeing his chance, Maz kicked the witch's butt, pushing her into the cauldron. She melted away instantly.
Suddenly, everything was quiet.
The monsters all dissapeared. The forest became green and lively once again. Whatever the witch had done to it had been erased. Once again, the Very Scary Forest of Bad Things was a place of life.
Maz jumped out a cookies-and-cream window. Weiila and Star followed him. Galloway and Val broke out of the nets and gave chase as well. Dante and Hayes climbed down from the rock formation. The rest of the heroes found their way out on their own.
Suddenly, a chopped appeared overhead. Magus climbed down a rope ladder. "Very well," he said. "Now please proceed to the next quest." With that, he climbed back up and flew off.
The next item was the "Fanwritten History", which was supposed to be a scroll containing the first fanfiction words ever written. It was located in a place called "The Cave of Time and Space". Mumbling, they all set off, with Maz holding onto the Golden Quill.
Stage 4: The Cave of Space and Time
The trip to the next area was short, since the cave was about two feet from the forest. On the front was a sign that read:
"Welcome to the Cave of Space and Time. Inside is a bunch of stuff that you probably thought about the moment you heard the name, as well as a few surprises. Prepare, fools! While you were reading this, my Mr. T android was sent to kill you! -Kronos, the god of Space and Time"
Just then, a robotic voice said, "Prepare for your destruction, suckas!" Everyone looked up, and saw a robotic Mr. T coming at them. Since he blocked the entrance to the cave, they had no choice but to fight it.
They tried to damage it, but nothing even scratched the android. Not even the miniature nukes Dante had in his watch could damage the monster. The Mr. T android grabbed Galloway and threw him into Val, who was trying to attack from above. They flew straight into the top of the cave, then fell straight down and rolled inside.
Just as they did, a few rocks knocked loose from their impact began to fall. This was followed by a massive rockslide, which effectively blocked off the entrance to the cave. Eleven people were stuck outside, while two people were stuck inside.
Val picked herself up and dusted off her armor. Galloway was trying to blast a hole through the rocks, but to no avial; they were harder than mithril. They were both trapped inside, probably forever.
"Great," said Galloway, "just great. We're trapped inside the Cave of Space and Time."
"So?" said Val, a grin of victory on her face. "I'm a thousand years old! All I have to do is wait until you go back to a time where you don't even exist and..."
"Val," said Galloway, "two things. One, this is NOT just time, this is SPACE AND TIME! That's very different! And two, if time goes FORWARD, you'd still be affected! So hah!"
Val sneered. "As long as this doesn't end up like those sappy stories where we have to help each other, I'll be fine!"
Galloway smiled. "Don't worry. If a big rock comes, I'll let it crush you instead of pushing you out of the way."
"And if you trip," said Val, "and fall onto Gungnir, I won't tell you not to struggle."
The two walked into the inner workings of the cave. It got darker for a while, but suddenly began to brighten with a purple light. Finally, they found the source: a glowing, purple, swirling portal on the far wall.
Galloway walked forward and examined it closer. "It looks like a hole in the space-time contiuum. The Fanwritten History must be through it."
Val began to charge forward, but Galloway held her back. "No! Listen, you have no idea how this whole thing works!" However, when he looked, he saw his arm across Val's breast, his hand touching the far one. And Val's face wasn't too happy.
*one horrific beating later*
Val jumped into the portal as Galloway was cleaning his wounds.
The others were having their hands full fighting off the Mr. T android. He grabbed Hayes and threw him into a big anthill, punted Star back into the forest, and tore off one of Weiila's wings with ease. He then kicked Kaiser in the...well, you know, then proceded to pound on Ersatz. Nothing could stop this monster.
Val tumbled through the portal into another cave. Strangely, the Gungnir seemed to be a lot heavier. In fact, so had her armor. She looked down at herself...
And saw that she was a little kid.
Just then, Galloway made his way through. He, too, was now a kid. Val just looked at him with disgust.
"Told you so," said Galloway, a satisfied grin on his face. "This cave works by replicating a certain age per section, then either raising or lowering a person's age to fit it. Right now, I'd say we're about three or four, tops."
"Feh," said Val, "this'll be easy! I can just walk over and get the treasure, even as a kid!"
"Actually," said Galloway, "I told you this wasn't only time. There are more sections to this cave. Besides, did you really think Kronos would allow us to just walk in and take his treasure?"
A loud growl was heard, followed by a couple hundred more. The two kids turned, and saw the hundreds of giant bears, madmen, demons, ghouls, spectres, and various other bad things that would scar you for life approaching them. The portal closed, trapping them inside this new section.
Weiila tried to heal her wing, but the android ripped the other one off. Archone tried to stop it, but the androir knocked him into a pile of manure.
"Damn it!" said Dante. "How can we win this?"
Galloway tried to raise his sword, but it was a nightmare trying to lift the thing. When he finally did, the weight caused him to double-over and fall on his back. Val tried lifting Gungnir into position, but the whole spear was a lot larger and heavier than she was now; she couldn't get into a proper position with it.
Dragging his sword, Galloway ran behind a rock. Val followed in suit, dragging Gungnir with her. Galloway watched the monsters as they stopped, then looked around like the idiots they were.
"This is bad," said Galloway. "We're too weak to use our equipment now, our armor is REALLY weighing us down, and I have NO idea how we're going to survive this. The only thing we can do is try a fist-fight..."
Val then saw Galloway's face grin evily. "Okay," said Val, "whatever stupid idea you have, I'm not doing it, okay?" Galloway, though, had already powered up and lifted Val over his head.
"Damn it, Galloway," screamed Val, "put me down!" The monsters turned towards the two struggling kids, their mouths gaped and ready to feast on the flesh, blood, and souls of their prey.
"Alright, Val," said Galloway, "I'll put you down!" He then threw her right over all the monsters to the other side. As they were slowly turning around, Galloway charged the evil things from behind.
When he was done, about 99% of the monsters were dead. All that remained was a small lizard-like thing, which even little Val was able to step on.
Galloway handed Val the Gungnir. She took it begrudgingly. "If you could do that from the beginning," she said, "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"
"Well," said Galloway, "I wasn't sure if I could do it. It's my first time as a kid, you know."
Val was confused, but Galloway was already walking down the next passage.
The group was out for the count. The Mr. T android was too much for them to handle. Only Mazrim remained, thanks to his Apathy Shield. However, he had to find a way to beat the android.
Just then, Weiila heard a strange beeping in her ear. Barely able to do anything, she touched the side of her head.
(begin codec conversasion)
Galloway: Weiila? Is that you?
Weiila: Galloway...we're dead out here...
Galloway: The android, huh? Well, I do know how to get rid of him, but...
Weiila:...Galloway, your voice is a bit high-pitched.
Galloway: No, it's not! I'm just...uh...talkingsofastthatitonlyseemstobehighpitched! Yeahyeahyeahthat'sit!
Weiila:...You got turned into a kid, didn't you.
Galloway: *sighs* Yes.
Weiila: Yippee! Sweet revenge is mine!
Galloway: Uh, about that android...
Weiila: Tell you what. You tell me how to get rid of the android, and I'll keep this embarassing thing a secret.
Weiila: Oh, and how did this get here?
Galloway: I snuck into your house one night and put it inside your head.
Weiila:...Remind me to kill you later.
Galloway: Anyway, Mr. T's weakness, as you know, is milk. He loves the stuff. Give the android milk, then step back.
(end codec conversasion)
Weiila took Star's cell phone and made an emergency call to The Dairy People. Soon a case of milk was delivered. Soon the android stopped fighting and went to the milk. The minute it poured one drop down, though, it began to short-circuit and sway violently. Finally, it dropped dead.
Galloway and Val continued walking. Galloway was yawning and rubbing the heck out of his eyes; he was obviously exhausted. Val glanced at his watch.
It was 8:30 PM.
"Look," said Val, "you can't be tired right now..." She then let out a monster of a yawn.
"It's this body," said Galloway. "I don't have as much energy as I did as an adult. I exhausted myself just fighting that. If I went SSJ, we'd be so screwed right now. Besides, you look pretty tired, too."
Val shrugged. "Fine, we'll try setting up camp for the night."
They walked back to the dead bodies of the monsters and dragged one of the giant bear's corpses over to where they were previously. Val began to skin it while Galloway went to find something to start a fire with.
The group picked themselves up. They were in no condition to try to find a way into the cave, and Weiila didn't have enough strength left to heal everyone. Then they saw a shimmering light a few yards away from the cave. With no alternative, they headed towards its source, the cold wind blowing in their hair.
The source turned out to be an old, Spanish Mission-esque place. The warm smell of colitas rose up in the air around it. Everyone's heads grew heavy while their eyes grew dim; they had to stop for the night.
Mazrim knocked on the door. It was opened by a beautiful young woman. She looked like she was about to jump on the more handsome males in the group, and yet there she stood in the doorway, while the mission bell rang. Weiila thought to herself, "This could be heaven, or this could be hell."
The woman lit up a candle and showed them the way inside. "Welcome," she said, "to the Hotel California."
Galloway dropped the wood and various other things he had found, then fell to the ground. Val finished getting the bear's fur off and laid it on the ground. She then fell onto the fur.
Galloway used a Flame Dart to lite the small pile, then cut off a couple pieces of meat and tossed it to Val. She stuck it onto Gungnir and stuck it into the fire. Galloway did the same thing with his sword.
"Say," said Val, "what did you mean before? About you not being a kid?"
Galloway sighed. "I was born from the light half of the real Galloway's soul. He used to be a kid, of course, but I myself did not experience anything he did; I didn't exist. When he broke the orb and created me and Neo, he was sixteen. I lost a good deal of his older memories, and the ones that remained are fading fast. I never had a childhood; I was a late teenager from day 1."
Val sighed and checked her meat. "Nice fire, you pansy mage," said Val. "It cooked the meat almost immediately."
Galloway was not happy. "I'm not a mage! I just know a little general-use magic! That's all! Now shut up and eat!" They tore into the meat almost immediately. It was bland, but it was either this or the goblin.
Finally, Val started to fall asleep on the fur. Galloway looked around frantically. "Uh, where's mine?"
"You don't get one," said Val. "This is all mine!"
Galloway looked at her, his eyes wide with misbelief. "That's not fair! I want one, too!" Val just stuck her tongue out at him. Finally, after pouting a bit, Galloway just fell asleep on the hard ground as the fire began to die.
The woman led the group through the hotel. Everyone began to notice things about her; her mind was Tiffany twisted, and she had the Mercedes bends. Several pretty boys swarmed around her, and she referred to them as her "friends". Finally, she led them into their rooms.
TD was about to fall asleep, but he noticed something on his list. The third item, the "Pen of Destiny" was said to be hidden in an old mission. This was an old mission. Not only that, but the mission was supposed to be right next to the Cave of Space and Time. This was right next to the cave of Space and Time.
One of the treasures was in here!
Galloway shivered with the night cold. Val was nice and warm over there, while he was freezing to death over on the ground. He cursed the whole situation, and swore that he would get back at that little bitch if it was the last thing he did.
Scott was lying on his bed when he glanced at his list. There was a treasure here! Then he turned, and noticed Galloway's sack, which was still lying there. He had taken it when Galloway and Val fell into the cave. Now he wanted to see what was moving around inside.
However, that would have to wait. If there was a treasure here, he would find it!
Everyone realized that a treasure was here, but most couldn't even move. Sleeping on a bed would heal them, but that would take all night. Only TD, Scott, Dante, and Hayes could find it.
Stage 5: The Hotel California
TD went down into the courtyard. The pretty boys were dancing, their bodies covered with sweet summer sweat. It looked like some danced to remember, while some danced to forget.
Hayes, meanwhile, called the captain and said, "Please bring me my wine." The captain said, "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969."
"Okay," said Hayes, "how about the Pen of Destiny?" A loud gasp was heard, as the pretty boys captured Hayes at the mere mention of such an item. Obviously it was something people weren't supposed to know about.
Dante activated his Treasure-radar on his watch. It picked up the location of the pen deep underground, as in the mission basement. However, the map he got at the front desk made no mention of a basement; it wasn't even listed. He had to find a way down there, before the others did.
Weiila awoke in the middle of the night. Voices were coming from down the corridor. They were saying something like, "Such a nice surprise. Bring your alibies." Ignoring them, she went back to sleep. She could feel her wings growing back.
Scott paced around the outer rim of the courtyard as the pretty boys ran off in a panic. Something was up. Hiding behind a pillar, he watched as many pretty boys carried Hayes down a secret staircase under the courtyard.
Curious, Scott followed them from a distance. However, TD saw it as well, and Dante observed the whole thing from the window. They, too, followed at a distance.
Hayes was laid down on a table. Next to him were a bunch of still-living beasts and steely knives. The pretty boys grabbed the knives and began to stab the beasts, but it didn't work. The beast was undamaged.
Hayes tried to get up, but the woman from before was in front of him, a large, blood-stained butcher knife in her hand. She raised it, ready to deliver the fatal blow.
However, the sound of footsteps alerted the people to someone else. Scott, TD and Dante fell down the stairs, and upon seeing the people approaching them, raised their weapons for battle.
Several went after Scott, but he sliced them in half easily. Next, a bunch came after TD, but he crushed them under his hooves. And finally, none went after Dante, because he picked them off with a few silenced pp7 shots from a distance. The woman ran off, with Hayes now in pursuit.
She fled into a small, dark room. The door closed behind Hayes as he walked towards her. Acting on instinct, she raised the butcher knife and said, "Supper time!"
She charged forward, but Hayes grabbed a knife and stabbed her in the chest, killing her. He then noticed a small chest in the middle of the room. Opening it, he found a beautiful silver pen.
This was the Pen of Destiny.
Hayes hid the pen and went back to his room, telling the other three that he couldn't find anything. They ran off in search of the item as slept, smirking.
The next day, Dante, TD and Scott were exhausted, while everyone else was well-rested. Hayes admitted to taking the pen, but the other three were too tired to do anything about it.
The night watchman, one of the few who survived, said that they could never leave, but they did by simply walking out the front door.
Stage 5: The Cave of Space and Time (part 2)
Val woke up the next morning, very well rested. Seeing that Galloway was still asleep, she quickly cut out some of the fur and put it into her pack. What Galloway didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
Finally, she walked up to the snoring kid and kicked him twice in the face. Galloway instinctively punched, knocking Val into a wall. He slowly got to his feet, sniffling and coughing all the way.
"Val," said Galloway, his voice muffled, "I think I have a cold."
Outwardly, Val looked concerned, but she had an idea. If Galloway was grogged down with a cold, she could easily outpace him and get to the treasure first. It was a fool-proof plan.
"Okay," said Val after finishing off a leftover piece of raw bear meat, "let's go." However, by the time she had her armor, pack, and Gungnir ready, Galloway was already two yards ahead. If this was him with a cold, she would REALLY hate to see him when he's well.
The two kids continued through the cave. Not much was to be found anywhere; in fact, most of the creatures stayed away, having witnessed yesterday's battle.
Galloway let out a huge sneeze. "Val, you bitch!" said Galloway. "This is all your fault!"
"My fault?" asked Val, a bit shocked at Galloway's accusation. "Who slept on the cold floor, now?"
"You didn't let me have any fur!" said Galloway, before letting out a series of loud sneezes. "You heartless bitch!"
"And didn't your mommy ever tell you not to swear?" asked Val. She suddenly realized what she said. "Wait a minute...'mommy'? Did I just say, 'mommy'?"
Galloway tried his best to laugh. "You really ARE starting to sound like a three-year-old. Hopefully this whole mess will be over soon."
Mazrim checked his map. The next treasure, unlike the first three, was quite a ways away. The rest of the group had the same thought: they could just go get the next one and come back for the Fanwritten History. Besides, Galloway and Val would be long-gone by then.
They then set off for the "Hammer of Crossovers", which symbolized the pain and headaches crossovers usually caused their participants. It was located in a bleak place called, "The Land of Depression."
Galloway and Val both collapsed around three. This cave seemed to stretch on forever. They had only now found something that looked like a door, but didn't have a way to open it.
"My feet," said Val, rubbed her blistered foot. "This cave is terrible. I've gotta get out of here soon!" Galloway just let out another sneeze.
Just then, a pair of footsteps was heard down the way. Two figures aproached the toddlers, acting like the guards of the door. However, the biggest surprise was what they looked like.
They were adult Galloway and adult Val!
"I...I'm seeing things!" said Val. "She looks just like me!"
"That guy," said Galloway, "looks like me, too."
The Galloway clone raised his hand. The kid Galloway was barely able to get out of the way before a blast obliberated the wall behind him. Meanwhile, the adult Val charged at the kid Val, her spear raised. Kid Val just tried to defend herself, but it wasn't working too well.
Kid Galloway dodged another blast and fired an energy beam, but it missed and hit kid Val, scorching her back. She then tried to lunge at her adult clone, but the Gungnir slipped out of her hands and scratched Galloway in the leg, inches from his crotch. They were not faring too well.
Finally, Val had an idea. She jumped in front of the adult Galloway and did the one thing that pisses Galloway off more than anything else.
She said, "Your momma's so stupid..."
The Galloway clone charged at her. Just then, the adult Val lunged from behind. Val jumped out of the way as adult Val's spear impaled adult Galloway, and adult Galloway's sword decapitated adult Val. The two fell to the ground, dead.
Val started to do her little victory dance, until she noticed Galloway lying where the two clones were. When he got up, he charged Val and pinned her against the wall. "Take back what you said about my mom!" he said.
After a few apologies, Galloway calmed down. He then noticed a small button where he had been. The moment he pushed it, the door opened. Inside was another portal. The two stepped through without a moment's hesitation.
They were in another section of the cave; only this time, the walls were red instead of black. Also, they were still the same age.
"What happened?" asked Val. "I thought we'd be different here."
"This must be a 'Space' part," said Galloway. "We'll have to see what's in here..." He then let out a monster yawn and fell to the ground. "Right after I take a nap."
Val cursed silently, then decided to take one, too.
When they woke up a few hours later, the area was still red. Grabbing their gear, they headed off into the new cave.
They had only gone a few feet when they saw the wierdest thing ever. A fish was hovering inside what seemed to be a poorly-designed UFO. It flew around, laughing its head off, until finally reaching the kids.
Val grabbed Gungnir, but a claw appeared from under the UFO and grabbed it. Galloway tried to fire an energy beam, but it bounced off and hit him. The fish went back to laughing.
"Do you have any idea what kind of power I have? I'm the Fish in a Spaceship! I'll destroy you, and destroy all those thoughts you had of getting the treasure!"
By that point, Galloway and Val were long-gone.
"Well," said Val, "that was...interesting." Galloway gave a sneeze in remark. He still wasn't over his cold yet.
After travelling for a while, they began to tire again. However, they still had the Fish in a Spaceship to worry about. Fortunately, a crack in the wall was large enough to hide them. Ducking inside, they watched as the Fish in a Spaceship flew by, still laughing.
Galloway stretched as much as he could. "Well, we should get some sleep. I think this is the last area in the cave." Val smiled at the thought of that. Then her stomach growled.
"Do you have any food?" she asked. Galloway sadly shook his head. "I gave it to the two guys in the sack. They needed to eat, anyway." Val would have impaled him then and there if she had enough room to raise Gungnir enough.
Val reached into her pack and pulled out the fur she got. "Man, am I going to be nice and warm tonight," she said. "You should have gotten a fur back there." She then turned towards Galloway, just as he finished up the Kaioken. He punched her straight in the nose.
Val cradled her broken nose and nearly-broken face as Galloway took the fur from her. "I can be a bastard, you know," he said. He then fell fast asleep.
Val looked at him, on the verge of tears. She muttered, "I hate you," under her breath before curling up on the hard floor.
Archone looked at the RPGC Television Station, the only one in town. Home to the world's worst news crew. Also home to the one entrance to the Land of Depression since the great avalanche of '99.
Everyone ran inside.
Val got up slowly the next day, her nose still aching. She was surprised to find herself wrapped up in the fur, as well as a note lying by her. Unfortunately, it was nothing more than a scribble.
She turned, and saw that Galloway was in the entryway, carrying a few dead rats by their tales. "Sorry about last night," he said. "I was just a bit pissed. Here, I got breakfast." Val was a bit disgusted by Galloway's idea of "breakfast", but food was food.
Since there was no wood for a fire, Galloway used a Flame Dart to fry each rat. It was a bit crunchy, but still pretty good. Finally, they packed and left.
"I did a little scouting," said Galloway. "The treasure is just ahead. I thought we might have a race for it, okay? You count."
Val smiled, then began to count down. "Ready, set..." She then took off before Galloway had the chance to stop her.
Val quickly outpaced Galloway, and after using Gungnir to trip him, she slowed him down even more. Finally, she reached a rectangular room, with red stone tiles for floor, a domed roof, and red pillars. At the far end was an old scroll. It had to be the Fanwritten History.
Val dashed forward, but suddenly, the Fish in a Spaceship appeared. This time, though, he was accompanied by four small fish walking on their fins.
"I have you now, kid!" said the Fish. "Fishstiguns! Attack!"
The fishes began to move under the spaceship. "Fishtiguns merge to form..." They then jumped onto the UFO and transformed into arms and legs.
The Fish in a Spaceship announced his new name. "Fishinator!"
Val lunged at it, but then realized that she had left Gungnir behind when she tripped Galloway. Fishinator grabbed her little neck and tossed her into a pillar, breaking a leg. He then began to move towards her.
Just then, Galloway ran in, carrying both Gungnir and his sword. He tossed Gungnir to the girl, then tried blasting Fishinator. However, the attack bounced back yet again, knocking Galloway into a wall. Fishinator dashed towards him, grabbed him by the shirt, and threw him all the way to the other side of the room.
Galloway slammed into a wall, leaving a comical imprint of his body. He fell backwards out of the imprint, but as he did so, he knocked the Fanwritten History loose. As he was getting up from the fall, he felt the treasure land in his hand.
When it did, a massive light filled the area. Fishinator screamed, "No!" and thus indicated that this was bad news for him. Val struggled to see what was going on, but couldn't make out anything over the blinding light.
When it finally died down, Galloway was an adult.
Galloway put the scroll into his pack and threw it aside, then went back to staring down Fishinator. The robotic fish just looked at Galloway for a bit, then charged.
What happened next will be retold in super-slow motion: Galloway backed away from Fishinator's grab, then drew his sword and sliced all four limbs off. Fishinator was back to simple ol' Fish in a Spaceship!
"I'll get you for this," said the fish, "if it's the last thing I do!" The fish then flew off.
Val raised Gungnir as much as she could and tried to charge at Galloway, but fell due to the weight of the spear. Galloway picked her up by the back of her clothes and, after carefully examining how she hadn't changed a bit, set her back down.
"I would reccomend against trying to take the Fanwritten History," said Galloway. "As an adult, you'd probably be somewhat of a match for me, but as you are, I could easily destroy you."
"Bu-but how," stammerred Val, "did you tu-tu-turn back to normal?"
Galloway sighed. "The Fanwritten History holds special power over time; power that can overcome those of even Kronos. Whoever obtains the treasure will be returned to normal. Oh, and taking it now won't work; it only works once. We'll get you back to normal somehow, though."
Val looked down sadly, then glanced at her list. Then she noticed something. An item called "The Emerald of Grammar" was said to exist in the farthest reaches of time and space. Maybe this cave had some kind of connection...
Even if she never got back to normal, at least she would have a treasure!
"By the way," asked Val, "what are the first fanfiction words ever written?"
Galloway pulled out the scroll, and suddenly, his eyes blasted open. Val glanced up at the scroll, and gasped at what it said:
"Grok go to fuck Mok."
"What the hell is that?" asked Val.
"Why," said Galloway, "it's the first words of fanfiction. The art's been around since before the greek and roman empires, in fact. This must have been a caveman fanfiction. Sadly, it seems it hasn't improved at all."
The last of the eleven people were loaded into the Deportation Cannon. Gemini lit the fuse and backed away as the cannon went off with a start, blasting the eleven adventurers to their target.
When they crash-landed, they found a bleak, desolate place. The sky, ground, and plants were all black and grey. Sadness seemed to permeate everything. This had to be it.
This had to be the Land of Depression.
Stage 6: The Land of Depression
Archone looked into a pool of grey water and sighed heavily. Somehow, being in these surroundings was draining on his morale. His mind was being twisted in sad ways he couldn't describe.
Finally, he got up and looked around. Everyone else was gone. He was alone in the world. He got up, his head hanging, and walked blindly on.
Star and Weiila both walked towards what seemed to be a large castle built into a mountain. "Maybe the treasure is in there," said Weiila.
"I doubt it," said Star. "I really doubt it."
Weiila frowned. "You're right. I'm such an idiot."
Star looked at her. "No, I'm the idiot. I don't deserve you!" He then walked off, looking very depressed.
"What's going on here?" asked Weiila to herself. "Why are we all acting this way?"
Ersatz looked at a dying tree. It seemed like something was clawing at his soul, something deep and terrible. This whole place was draining on him. He had to find the treasure and get out of here.
Kaizer ran into Maz, who, like everyone else, was looking depressed. "What's wrong, Maz?" asked Kaizer.
"I shouldn't have left the castle," said Maz. "I shouldn't have given up the throne. I'm such a stupid idiot. I don't deserve to have power back." He then went off walking.
Scott looked at the sack. "You guys in there," he said. "Do you feel...depressed." A yawn and muffled noise that resembled a "yes" were his response. He grabbed the sack and walked on.
Dante ran into Hayes. "I'm too depressed to kill you," said Dante. "I don't deserve to kill you."
"Me, neither," said Hayes. They walked their seperate ways.
Weiila looked around. Everything was wrong here. Nothing made sense. She was alone for the first time in a while...all alone...in a world that made no sense.
Then she saw TD run by at full gallop.
"Your highness," said the Depressio soldier to King Strong Sad, "intruders have arrived in your land."
"Oh, really?" asked Strong Sad. "Are they sad yet?"
"All but one, sir," said the soldier. "A horse...or pony, we can't tell yet."
Strong Sad sighed. "Open the gate. I'll deal with him myself."
TD walked into the castle. He bounded up the steps leading to the throne room, where Strong Sad sat with a Connect 4.
"I know what you want," said Strong Sad. "You want my Hammer of Crossovers. Well, to get it, you'll have to beat me in a game of Connect 4. If you lose, you die."
TD didn't know where the treasure was, so he had no choice but to play.
Wil continued his moping around until he slipped and fell down a slope, which sent him up a ramp and flying towards the castle.
"I'm sad that I'm flying," was all he said before slamming through the window.
Strong Sad and TD continued their game. However, it quickly became apparant that Strong Sad was a master Connect 4 player. This could very well be the thing that ends TD's life.
Wil picked himself up and examined his surroundings. He was in a tower of some sort. However, the dreariness was strangely absent here. In fact, this room was actually quite happy.
In a corner was a door labeled, "Source of Happiness." With no idea what it was, Wil opened it. Inside was a large, glowing hammer.
It had to be the Hammer of Crossovers.
Finally, TD won the game. Strong Sad sighed. "Very well. I will take you to my treasure. Just then, a loud alarm went off everywhere.
"Scratch that," said Strong Sad. "Somebody just stole the treasure."
Wil jumped out the window and climbed down. Depressio soldiers raced towards him, as well as Strong Sad and TD. Thinking quickly, he tried to swing the hammer, but it pounded the ground instead.
What happened next was remarkable. Everything became lively and clear almost immediately. The other adventurers went to the castle, where Strong Sad waited for them.
"For ruining my beloved kingdom," said Strong Sad, "I hereby banish all eleven of you forever. You are to go to be taken to the West Ocean, where the Battle Airship ShaheenJim was blasted down years ago."
Then, Mazrim remembered something. Jim had found one treasure, and it was soon placed on his airship, which sank in the battle for the site. A treasure was on there; the "Armlet of Constructive Criticism," to be exact!
They were all taken to the West Ocean, with Wil now having the Hammer of Crossovers.
Stage 7: The Airship ShaheenJim
The group surveyed the violent West Ocean trying to find some way of getting to the surface. TD, strangely, decided not to get in for some reason, so he was out of this round. Also, Scott accidently stepped on a jellyfish, then pushed Star into it, so they were out.
Finally, they found a sign from above. A wooden sign above a shack said, "Crazy Captain Barnacle's Miniature Submarines." They went in, and each rented a submarine, some deep-sea diving equipment, and a ride on the little mechanical boats outside.
After having all their fun, they boarded their submarines and went off.
Wil was the first to reach the ruins of the airship. It was a technological marvel, looking like a cross between the Highwind and one of those cube Borg ships from Star Trek. The outside was covered with mechanical wires, light, and gizmos, and the whole thing was strangely absent of rust, seaweed, algae, or anything of that nature.
He navigated the sub inside and began to look around.
Dante got out just outside of the airship. Checking his undersea navigational watch, he found that there was a small area that could only be accessed from the outside. Maybe that was where the treasure was...
Diving down, he found the entrance. After a few minutes of wearing it down with his watch laser, it finally opened. When he got in, though, he found that it was perfectly dry here; it was like he had passed through some kind of invisible barrier. However, that also meant that he landed flat on his face.
Weiila and Mazrim both saw Dante go through the hidden door. They quickly went after him, but didn't get out of their subs. When they went through the barrier, they crashed onto the ground.
Wil didn't find anything in the areas he could get to with the sub, so he got out and went towards a door leading into the lower areas. However, he soon felt something at the back of his head. He turned...
And saw Hayes aiming a gun at the back of his head.
Galloway carried Val for a while before finally setting her down. "You know," he said, "I might be able to heal that leg."
"Then why didn't you do that before?" asked Val.
"Because of the spell," said Galloway. "I know two spells that are almost identical in incantation. If I get so much as one syllable off, it'll cast the other spell, which has an effect that I would rather not describe."
"JUST DO IT!" screamed Val. "JUST HEAL MY ODINDAMN LEG!"
"Fine," said Galloway. He sighed, then closed his eyes and began to chant some kind of spell. A bright flash of light followed.
When Galloway opened his eyes, he realized what had happened. He had screwed up. He had accidently casted the Shrink spell.
Val, now only a few inches tall, looked up at Galloway. "You screwed up, didn't you?" she shouted.
Just as Hayes was about to pull the trigger, Kaizer swam by and kicked him in the head. Then Ersatz came and kicked Kaizer, who landed into Wil. The four soon entered a badly-coreographed battle to the death.
Dante tied up Wil and Mazrim using some simple fiber wire, then checked out the room. The treasure wasn't here, but a cool-looking button was. He pressed it, and the entire airship began to rumble, then rise. Finally, it rose out of the water.
Wil, Ersatz, Hayes, and Kaizer landed on the ground with a thud. They looked out the window, and found that they weren't underwater anymore. The airship was never destroyed. Jim must have hidden it to retrieve it later, but was defeated before he could get the chance!
Now they continued their battle to the death.
Dante went out the door, then used his watch's grappling hook to climb to the top of the airship. Walking along the outer edge, he found a trapdoor labeled, "Cargo Room." He opened it and dropped inside.
Inside, mixed with plenty of rotten food and spoiled clothing, he found the Armlet of Constructive Criticism.
After presenting his find, everyone stopped fighting. They then went to pick up the group on the beach. Dante apologized for losing the subs, and gave Captain Barnacle keys to one of his older spy cars. They then checked the next item on the list.
The "Eye of Literacy" was buried on a cliff somewhere on the other side of RPGC. However, there was something else there now:
Galloway picked up the minute Val. "Sorry," he said. "I was meaning to cast a 'First Aid' spell, but got the words wrong."
"Galloway," said Val, "I'm going to stab you for this!" She frantically looked for Gungnir, but saw it, still full-size, lying a few feet away from Galloway.
"Uh, it wasn't close enough to be shrunk," said Galloway, "and besides, if you're planning to kill me with it, I'm not going to shrink it for you."
Val cursed something, then sighed. "Okay, NOW what do I do? I'm three years old, three inches tall, and can't stab anything with Gungnir anymore!"
Galloway yawned. "Let's sleep on it for now. We've been walking for hours."
The group set a course for Macc's HQ, then laid down for some shut-eye.
Stage 7: The Time-Space Corridor
Galloway reached into Val's pack and pulled out the fur. Strangely, various kinds of bugs and such had decided to infest it, so he quickly dumped them into her pack while her back was turned. The pygmy valkyrie leaned against a big rock and sighed.
"Galloway," she said, "when I get out of this stupid shrink spell, I'm going to slowly kill you. I'll gouge your eyes our, tear out each tooth one by one, and skin you alive."
"You sure talk big for a pixy," said Galloway, deliberately trying to piss Val off. She just sneered and growled at him.
"Look on the bright side," continued Galloway. "At least I got rid of the rats." Val continued to sneer, her growl getting deeper.
"Okay, time for dinner," said Galloway, pulling a cell phone out of his pack. He quickly entered a very long number. "Hello? Heaven Pizza? Yes, I'd like to place a order. One extra large pizza. Yes. We're in the Cave of Space and Time. Okay, thanks." The moment he hanged up, a pizza magically appeared hovering in front of them, as well as a credit card reader. Galloway swiped a credit card, and the reader vanished, leaving the pizza.
After eating their fill, Galloway put the credit card in Val's pack. This time, though, she noticed. "Oh no. Don't tell me you used that one."
"Don't worry," said Galloway, "I'll pay you back. It's just that Heaven's Pizza only accepts credit cards when delivering to the mortal realm."
"Galloway," said Val, "I don't have a credit card. I swiped that one from someone just before I gave up my immortality."
"Oh, really?" asked Galloway. "Who, exactly, did you take it from?"
"All in," said Odin, pushing his chips into the middle of the table. Kai followed in suit, as well as Hera and Jehova. Odin layed his cards down on the table. "Royal flush!"
After the usual cursing and such, the gods and goddess decided to call it a game. However, Odin then got a message from Heaven's Pizza; his credit card had maxed out.
"What?" he said. "But...that's impossible! My credit card was lost years ago! In fact, the last person who saw me with it was..."
At that point, realization lined his face, accompanied by anger, rage, and mindless fury. The heaven's rumbled with the name of the thief.
The next day, Galloway packed everything, then put Val in an empty pocket of his pack. He then picked up Gungnir and continued on their journey through the cave.
Finally, they found another door. Upon opening it, Galloway found a long hallway that stretched onward, seemingly forever. "Wow," he said. "This has to be it. This has to be the Time-Space Corridor." Val responded with mild enthusiasm.
The corridor was filled with doors, made from every material imaginable. "These doors," said Galloway, "each lead to a different period in time. However, they aren't marked; we have no clue where the treasure is." The word "treasure" made Val a lot more excited.
Just then, an all-too-familiar laugh echoed throughout the area. Val began to scream, "Look behind you, moron!" Galloway turned, and saw their old friend, the Fish in a Spaceship.
"You can't beat me!" said the fish. "I'm a Fish in a Spaceship! Do you know what everyone thinks of you? Do you know what the girl thinks of you? Do you know what the rats think of you? Do you know what the fish thinks of you? That's me. YOU SUCK!" He then went back into laughing. Galloway just calmly walked away, with Val keeping her eyes on him.
Just then, the Fishstiguns appeared. Also, another Fish in a Spaceship appeared in front of Galloway, with its own Fishstiguns. It was a pincer attack!
"Fishstiguns merge to form," said the little fishes, just before merging with both fishes, creating two Fishinators. They then fired an army of Fish Missles straight at them.
Galloway had no time to think. He kicked down the nearest door and jumped through, his gear in tow. The fish missles connected head-on, blowing apart the corridor.
Galloway and Val both fell through time and space for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, they both fell unconcious.
When Galloway came to, he was lying face-down in a creek. Pulling himself out, he surveyed his surroundings. He didn't have much time, though, before Val shouted something that confirmed his fears.
"THIS IS HOME! I'M HOME!"
Stage 8: Macc's HQ
After parking the airship, the group got off (except for Weiila, who was still tied up) and walked over to Macc's HQ. Amazingly, the front door was wide open.
Wil walked around the bottom floor for a bit, searching everything for some sort of clue as to where the treasure was. However, he stopped when he heard someone shout, "Coming through!"
Just then, Gilgamesh plowed through Wil, knocking him straight off his feet. When he got up, Gilgamesh ran back, running over him again.
Mazrim went up to the mysterious fifth floor, but found nothing except a cowering Ultros. However, when the Final Flash hit the wall beside him, he learned why Ultros was so afraid.
He turned, and saw a very pissed-off Vegeta, his hands still extended.
Scott, Hayes, and Dante made their way onto the set, which was strangely empty. However, they saw Macc's buttons nearby, and Dante couldn't resist trying one out. He pressed a big red one, and a trap door opened under Hayes, sending him plummeting down several stories. He laughed, then pushed another, sending Scott down several stories. Finally, he pushed a third, and a big weight fell on top of him.
Star made his way to the rooftop. While he was looking over, someone sneaked up behind him and pushed him off.
TD was smiling, until he heard the sound of claws hitting metal. He turned, and saw Star climbing over the side, just before pouncing on the horse/pony.
Vegeta grabbed onto Maz's neck. "Where the hell did you take blue boy?" he shouted. "We have a show to do!"
Maz was shocked. Macc was missing?
Meanwhile, a sinister shadow laughed, then wondered why he wasn't seen for a while. (Maybe because he's a sinister shadow?)
Archone made his way to the basement, where Macc kept all eight million of his soul-sealing contracts. Amongst them, he found a secret button. When he pressed it, a floor panel opened, revealing a jewel that looked like an eye. It had to be the Eye of Literacy.
Also by the eye was a note. It read:
"I have sent this to you, Macc, to ensure that it does not fall into Jim's hands. If it does, then the consequences will be severe, not only to RPGClassics, but to all of the Internet. Guard this with your life; do not let the forces of evil capture it. Your friend, Mazrim Taim."
This intrigued Archone, but he had found the treasure, anyway.
They got out of the HQ, now with a new sidequest: to find Macc Maverick. They checked for the next treasure: the "Goblet of Composition." It was in a secret base somewhere.
Stage 8: The Past
Galloway took Val out of the pack and set her on a rock. "Okay, what do you mean 'home'?"
"I mean," said Val, "that I'm back in my own time. I used to play around here as a kid! Well, how fitting that I end up here, three years old and only a couple inches tall."
"Actually," said Galloway, "about the 'couple inches tall' part..." Just as he finished those words, another flash of light appeared. When it dissapeared, Val was back to the size of a normal three year old. "...it's only temporary."
Val jumped off the rock and grabbed Gungnir. "Now to deliver some justice!" She lunged at Galloway, scratching his leg. Galloway grabbed the squirming kid and sighed, then turned her upside down and dropped her.
He then checked his watch, then showed it to Val. "Does this date look familiar?" he asked. She examined the time, and found that the time on the watch itself had gone into the past.
"This...this is seven years before I was selected to be a Valkyrie! We went WAY into the past this time!" Galloway put his watch back on, then picked up his gear. "Well, I guess we should be going."
Just then, a group of about fourteen men jumped out of the bushes. They were poorly dressed, poorly groomed, and carried around some pointy weapons. They slowly surrounded the group.
"Okay," said one, "Kill them just for the heck of it!" They all jumped forward, only to get batted away easily by Galloway. One tried to run at Val, but she raised Gungnir enough at just the last second, causing him to impale himself through the groin. Another went after Galloway, but he smashed him straight in the stomach, then grabbed his head and broke his neck.
Val threw the Gungnir enough to kill another, then kicked a third one in the groin and stabbed him through the neck when he bent over. Galloway sliced one in half, then immediately stabbed one that tried to go at him from behind. The few that remained, though, called for help, and another fourty guys came in.
Galloway tired of this. "Okay, you sons of bitches, I guess I'll have to stop being nice to you." He then transformed into a Super Saiyan. About half of the enemies screamed something along the lines of, "Demon!" and tried to run, but Galloway jumped up and vaporized them easily. The other half looked in complete shock.
"This isn't right," said one of them. "That guy never mentioned anything about a demon!" Naturally, Galloway was interested in this "that guy", but he had a lot more killing to do. He fired a few small beams, hitting three people straight in the forehead and two through the heart. Two guys pulled back their bowstrings and fired. Right after they did, though, Galloway reappeared behind them and smashed their skulls into each other.
The rest of them tried to run, but Galloway fired a few Ki Enzan Kas, slicing them apart. Only the leader of the group remained. Galloway quickly grabbed him and carried him back to Val.
"Val," he said, "point Gungnir towards this guy's groin." Val happily did so. Galloway then turned back to the struggling man. "Tell me what I want to know, and I'll let you live. Why'd you try to kill us?"
The man began to panic. "I never saw his face. He was wearing a really black cloak. He said something about how he'd pay us handsomely for killing the last obstructions to his reclaim of power. Honestly, that's all I know!"
Galloway was still puzzled, but he sensed that the man didn't know anything else. "All right," he said, "like I promised, I'll let you live." Galloway then flew up to the highest tree he could find and placed the man on the top branch, then flew back down.
"We need to find some clue about this guy," said Galloway. "But if you really were an obstruction to him, wouldn't it be easier...to..." Recognition came to him immediately. Daemon tried this sort of thing before...
"Val," said Galloway, his voice filled with fear, "take me to your house. Now."
A little girl watched the man in the tree. Her mother walked towards her and grabbed her arm.
"That demon might come back," she said. "Come inside, Robyn."
Val directed Galloway to her small house. Being careful as not to make too much noise, they made their way behind the bushes and watched the door. Finally, a little girl came through. She looked exactly like Val.
"Robyn!" shouted a voice from inside. "I told you not to play outside! The demon might still be out there!"
"Mother!" shouted back the little girl. "The demon's gone by now! I need to practice! Trust me, I'll be fine!" She then closed the door and ran into the woods.
"Robyn," said Galloway. "I like your old name better." Val just glared at him.
"Okay, Galloway," she said, "why'd we have to come here?" However, Galloway was already following Robyn. Val ran up behind him.
Robyn finally stopped in a clearing in the forest. She sat down for a bit, panting and wheezing, then got up and pulled out a small, pointy stick. Galloway sat in the trees, watching her. Val just stayed down below him.
Finally, their patience payed off. A group of about twenty men could be seen behind the bushes. Galloway noticed that they were like the ones from before. His hunch was right.
They jumped out of the bushes and surrounded Robyn almost immediately. "I guess somebody needs to be taught a lesson," said one. "Kill her."
At that point, Galloway jumped into the clearing. "Okay, bozos, leave the kid alone."
The men weren't intimidated by the threat, but did puzzle over what the word "bozos" meant. Finally, one of them walked up to him and pointed his knife at his chest. "Okay, munchkin, you die, too."
Galloway grabbed the man's arm and snapped it straight off, then hit the man in the head with it, breaking his neck. His pals were shocked by this, but quickly jumped at Galloway. They were knocked away easily. When two tried to jump in from behind, Galloway quickly pulled out his sword and sliced their heads off in a lightning-fast stroke.
Robyn, meanwhile, backed away from the fight between the men and the "demon," and began to run back home. However, Val grabbed her and dragged her behind the bushes. "Don't worry," she said. "We won't hurt you."
Galloway finished off a few more, then turned his attention to the leader and his last two men. Naturally, the two men tried to flee, but Galloway blasted a tree near them. It fell, crushing them both. The leader charged in frustration, but Galloway put his hand on the man's breast, then fired a huge beam through the guy, vaporizing his heart. He then walked towards Val and Robyn.
He could immediately see the fear in the child's eyes. "Don't worry," he said. "I mean no harm to you. Come on, let's take you home." Robyn was hesitant, but finally decided that she could trust these two.
Meanwhile, an evil shadowy figure cursed this development, then decided to deal with them later. He then fell out of his chair.
Stage 9: The Secret Base
The airship stopped in the middle of a vast desert. About eighty wooden signs, neon signs, road signs, and various other types of signs pointed at a spot in the desert, all saying something like, "Secret Base is here! Right here! Shhhh, it's a secret!" The group got out and boarded the secret elevator, which went down the secret elevator shaft into the heart of the secret base.
Dante quickly drugged everyone else, then ran off to find his beloved treasure. However, he accidently tripped the secret booby trap, which sent him falling down a secret trap door into a pool of secret mutant sea bass.
Weiila recovered, then made her way into the secret control room. Inside was a secret map of the secret base, but it made no mention of the treasure. Sighing, she went back into the secret hallway and continued her search.
Star went into a secret break room. Inside were a variety of catgirl porn mags. Grinning, he began his ecstasy in porn.
Hayes and Scott found themselves in a secret underground lair. Inside was a variety of nuclear missles, big lasers, giant guns, and various other things designed for world destruction. However, there was no treasure, so they continued onward.
Wil tripped down a flight of secret stairs and fell into a secret boiler room. Inside, underneath a variety of secret oil-soaked rags, was a secret button. When he pressed it, a wall moved, revealing a secret treasure room.
Inside was the Goblet of Composition. However, when he grabbed it, a strange, yellow, duck-like creature made entirely out of bits came chasing him. He ran back up the secret stairs and back into the secret hallway.
Weiila pounced onto Wil the moment she saw him with the treasure. She grabbed it, then ran from the yellow duck. However, months of being chased by Galloway had improved her speed to the point where she could outrun a speeding bullet, so she barrelled down the secret hallway from the duck.
However, the duck was also faster than a speeding bullet. He easily caught up.
Dante got out of the secret sea bass tank, then escaped to the surface. He wasn't going to go down there again.
Finally, Weiila made it to the surface. She got onto the airship and fired a Gigaton Laser at the duck. It disintegrated instantly.
Everyone got back on bored, with Star carrying hundreds of pounds of catgirl porn. However, Weiila would have no part of it, and made Wil burn all of them.
They checked for the location of the next treasure, the "Medallion of Spelling". According to the list, it was taken by Jim and placed within his castle. The place stood in ruins now, guarded by Sinistral and his loyal band of nutcases. Somehow, they had to get into the castle and find where the medallion was.
Stage 10: The Past (part 2)
Galloway, Val and Robyn made their way back through the forest. Strangely, nobody tried to brutally massacre them, which was a welcome change of pace from the last two times they had gone through here. Also, there wasn't a single fish flying around in a spaceship, which was also nice...
"Galloway!" Or maybe there was...
The Fish in a Spaceship flew up, strangely absent of his Fishstiguns. "I chased you all the way back here. You can't escape the Fish in a Spaceship!"
Suddenly, another figure appeared. It was a bunny, except it was about a foot smaller then Galloway, stood on two legs, wore a red suit, and had sunglasses on. Accompanying it were two big, tough-looking punks. "Meet the toughest mob boss in the land," said the Fish. "The Easter Bunny!"
All three of the heroes' jaws dropped. The Easter Bunny said, "Get 'em, boys!", as the punks walked nearer and nearer. Suddenly, a loud hopping was heard, as a red bunny with the face of a kindly old man jumped on both punks, beating them. The Easter Bunny tried to swear revenge, but a bird crapped on his head, causing him to run off in disgrace.
"This isn't over yet!" said the Fish. However, just then, Galloway and Val noticed a mad look in Robyn's eyes, accompanied by a bit of drool. She took out her stick and jumped onto the top of the spaceship, smashed through the glass dome, and swallowed the entire Fish in a Spaceship with one gulp.
Galloway and Val looked in shock. "Now why didn't I think of that?" asked Galloway. Robyn jumped down from the wrecked spaceship and gave out a loud belch. The three then continued on their way.
Stage 11: The Castle of ShaheenJim
The crew piloted the airship closer and closer to ShaheenJim's castle. Like they thought, the castle was surrounded by an array of tanks, airships, battlecruisers, missle turrets, silos, lasers, and other big guns. Armed soldiers walked back and forth, chanting the same thing the blue guys said in "The Wizard of Oz."
They spotted an unguarded cove in the back, though, so they decided to try to steer the ship down into there. Hopefully, nobody would catch them...
A nutcase looked at the large blip on his radar screen, then ran off to the commander's base. "General Sin!" he shouted. "We have an unidentified craft coming in at point something-or-other!"
Sin got up and pulled out his big sword. "Inform General Lunaris," he said. "Tell him to leave no survivors." The nutcase bowed, then left.
"Finallys!" said Lunaris, upon hearing Sin's orders. "I wanteds to try outs thes new weaponries!" He then sent the order through his typo-translator to all the gunmen, then pulled out his mega rocket launchers/chainguns/assault rifles/plasma rifles/nuke launchers/every other kind of gun imaginable and got on a cliff.
The airship began to close in on the cove, but suddenly, a ton of shells him the side, causing it to tilt. Then another barrage hit the other side, tossing it around like a bag. Dante leaned over the side and vomitted out his lunch.
Tank rounds hit the top, battlecruiser rounds him the bottom, and various other things hit everything else. The group screamed like little girls and ran around in a panic, occasionally stopping to wet themselves.
Finally, Lun got a clear shot. He pulled the trigger, and the airship was blasted to hell in one round. However, it also crashed through the cove, with the explosion sealing it off. At least they were alive...for now.
Star regained conciousness before anyone else. The airship was sitting in the water in the cove, barely in one piece. He jumped off and checked the nearby shoreline, and finally found a secret passage leading into the castle. However, a loud crack was heard behind him. He turned, and saw a very pissed-off Weiila.
After everyone talked for a bit, they decided on a plan. For once, they were fair, and allowed only the people who didn't get any treasure yet to go ahead and search the castle, while the rest repaired the airship and searched for a way out. Therefore, Star, Ersatz, Scott, and Kaizer went through the secret passage.
Sin drank down his seven hundredth case of water that night. This place was just so damn hot at night. It was so...unnatural.
Just then, another nutcase ran in. "Sir," he said, "we have intruders inside the castle!"
Sin got up and drew his sword again. "I'll deal with this myself," he said. "I promised Rast that nobody would ever lay a finger on that treasure."
Star used his cat-speed to dash ahead of the others. He found the castle to be dark, dreary, and very ancient, like all evil castles are supposed to look. The walls were covered with dust, mold, mildew, and cobwebs. The ground was made out of pure stone. Paintings of the evil Jim were everywhere. This was not a nice place.
He ran off ahead, opened a large wooden door, and ran inside. Sin walked through the other door that very instant. The two fought, and needless to say, Star did poorly.
Kaizer went to the second floor, where a gun-toting Lunaris was waiting. He dodged for a while, but was finally trapped by a massive Jello-Gun. Sin then appeared, dragging Star's beaten body behind him.
Ersatz and Scott walked around aimlessly. Finally, Sin caught them. He had all the intruders, it seemed.
He took them to the top of the highest tower, while Lunaris went back to watch the troops. Inside was the item they sought; the Medallion of Spelling dangled overhead. However, they were still tied up, and unable to reach it. Sin raised his sword, ready to take them all out with one stroke.
Galloway, Val and Robyn were almost there. "Say," said Val, "do you think there's a way to get back?"
Galloway sighed. "That depends on if a space-time portal opens up right here...*a purple portal appeared to Galloway's side*...and we were able to get through in time. But that's impossible!" He punched to his side in anger, sending his arm through the portal.
A purple portal appeared beside Sin. A fist shot out, knocking the swordsman out of the tower and into the water. The fist then withdrew, and the portal closed.
"See?" said Galloway. "Not gonna happen easily."
Everyone untied themselves and began to fight to the death over the Medallion. However, Star grabbed it and ran while everyone was busy. They gave chase, right down to the repaired airship.
Dante readied the guns and fired, blowing a hole in the rubble. They then blasted as far away from the castle as possible. Finally, when they were a safe distance away, they slowed down.
The next item was the "Imagination Glasses". They were in the Land of the Fallen, which was where those that are banned go to rot for all eternity. Sighing, they flew off.
They finally arrived at Robyn's house. She began to take them closer, but a knife flew by Galloway's head, barely missing his throat. Robyn's mother stood in the doorway, another knife in hand. She charged at Galloway.
Chapter 12: The Land of the Fallen
The airship arrived at the Land of the Fallen fairly quickly. Lush, green forests had given way to a sun-burnt desert, with red sand, red rocks, and no signs of life, save for a few heavily robed travelers with camels and such. This place was the embodiment of a wasteland.
Finally, they landed and began to search for the glasses.
TD was walking along when he saw a robed man passing by. Thinking that he may know something about where the glasses were, he politely asked him to stop.
The man turned, and at last revealed that he had no face; only two yellow eyes glaring through a slit in the hood. He stuck out a hand, and a massive series of black tentacles attacked TD, trapping him.
Weiila was flying when she saw a robed man making a bow. He attached a bowstring, took an arrow out of his pack, and loaded the weapon.
"Curse ye angels," he muttered. "Curse them and their kind." He then looked straight up at Weiila and shot her in the wing before she could dodge, crippling her. She fell to the ground.
Dante watched the five robed men surround him. He quickly loaded his dart wrist gun and fired, but his shots did nothing; they passed through the men like they were nothing. They quickly captured Dante.
Star watched as Weiila was taken away. He couldn't do anything. These things were like ghosts. Still, he decided to bust her out of wherever they were taking her.
He then saw them carrying everyone else off. They had all been beaten. Save for one other...
Scott grabbed the sack and ran. The robed figures closed in on all sides. Finally, he fell down a sandy slope, then flew straight over a stone wall.
When he got up, he was inside a desert city. Only it was eerily quiet...
"My liege," said one of the robed men, "we have captured the RPGCians, as you requested."
The king was a man with hairy legs, a hairy face, and a dress. He stood up and approached his men. "Like always," he said, "you have done well, my Fallen Knights. Bring them inside. Let them suffer the wrath of King Hades!"
Star and Scott made their way through the town. The streets were eerily quiet, yet robed figures wandered around mechanicaly. It was as if they had no control over themselves.
"How do we find the others?" asked Star. "This place is massive!"
Scott, however, had an idea. He pulled out the treasure-locator he stole off Dante and began to scout around. Finally, he located the source: inside the palace-like building, which was guarded by two robed figures with black iron maces. Not only that, but hundreds more had to be on the inside; they couldn't win like this...
"Hey!" shouted a familiar voice from behind. "I know you!" The two turned, and saw a young man, with black hair, a headband, and a ridiculous uniform walking towards him. "Yeah, you were two of those guys back at the studio!"
Star recognized the face, but didn't know the name. "Oh, that's right," said the man, "I forgot to introduce myself last time. Name's Joey."
"Alright, Joey," said Scott. "What are you doing out here?" Joey pointed to the large bag of clothes he was carrying. "I came out here to buy my girlfriend a present," said Joey. "The prices here are better than the ones at RPGC Market."
They looked at the bag, and saw a few pink dresses. "Who's your girlfriend?" asked Star, a bit curious. Joey smiled. "She's a flower girl. Said her name was Aeris. She's like me, you know. Our creators both killed us off early in our respective series."
Everyone's jaws were gaping, until Joey quickly closed them and said, "Jaw-gaping is a crime here. Anyway, I know what you want, and I'll help you. I can't stand to see bastards like this king rule. He makes that George-whatever look like a genius."
"Come with me," he continued. "I have a truck just outside of town. I can get you loaded up." They left, promising to return.
Galloway quickly dodged the first lunge, but Robyn's mother turned immediately and thrusted again, this time cutting Galloway in the leg. He quickly jumped up and kicked the knife out of her hand, but she pulled out another and stabbed his arm while he was on the way down.
"She's fast," thought Galloway. "There has to be a way to stop her."
Just then, another voice shouted from inside. "Stop it!"
Joey showed the thee to his large truck. It looked a bit like a cross between a semi and a garbage truck; a cab was in the front, the back was sloped, and the sides stuck out a bit. Joey pushed a button on his keys, and the back opened, revealing a ramp.
Inside the truck was a vast array of guns, guns, and more guns, but the big thing was what was in the back. There were three gigantic robotic suits. Each one was armed with a gun in each arm, and what looked like rocket tubes in the middle.
"These are Armored Shrikes," said Joey. "Yes, the name's corny, but stick with me. These things have almost unlimited energy, tons of ammo, two gigantic guns in each hand, a small rocket launcher, and an optional CD Player. Get in one and strap yourself in." Naturally, they complied.
"You people disgust me," said Hades, as the captured adventurers watched him with extreme displeasure. "First, you cast me out of my homeland, and into these deserts to rot. Then, you have the guts to come back here and attempt to steal my treasure! The glasses are mine! I will not let you take them!"
"You're a pathetic piece of trash," said TD. The guards injected him with mild horse tranquilizers, and he fell asleep. Hades sat back on his throne and uncrossed his legs, sickening all of the heroes.
"Get my katana," he said. "It's time for some hard justice."
The three giant robots, each one piloted by either Star, Scott, or Joey, smashed through the wall. Naturally, the guards went to attack them with their black maces, but they were useless against the futuristic robots. The three kicked them away and opened fire on their bodies while they were still in mid-air. They were quickly torn to tiny pieces.
Star checked the radar. A group of something was heading towards them. They turned, and saw a fleet of tanks and airships flying towards them. It looked like the entire army was trying to take them down.
The tanks fired, but the three robots got out of the way just before the shells hit. Scott and Joey opened fire with their machine guns, which had armor-piercing bullets. The tanks were ripped into scrap metal within seconds. The airships then launched barrage after barrage of bombs, missles, and warheads at them, but the shrikes dodged easily yet again. The palace was now falling apart.
Hades lurched back as another barrage hit the palace. He fell to the ground, and accidently tossed the katana into the air. It landed perfectly behind Weiila, cutting her ropes. She quickly freed the others before Hades could do anything. TD then recovered, and got back up.
"Die, Hades!" shouted Hayes, as he ran straight towards his enemy. However, Hades had already fled via secret passage. Forunately, their stuff was behind a curtain, so they took it and ran.
Joey fired several rockets at the airships, taking out large groups of them. Star's robot jumped on top of one and smashed straight through it, causing it to crash into another. Scott opened fire from every which way, taking out entire armies of the deadly vehicles.
Finally, the army was defeated. However, Hades now stood, his katana in hand. "This sword," he said, "could single-handedly take out an entire army! It will decimate your robots within mere seconds!" He then charged.
"Hades," said Star, "shut the hell up." He then crushed Hades under the shrike's giant foot.
The group reunited and began to look for the glasses. Scott saw that they had landed just by where Star's robot had crushed Hades, so he grabbed them. Joey then took the shrikes back into his truck and drove back to RPGCville.
The next treasure was the "Gauntlet of Penmanship", which was on a desert island somewhere. They flew off to find it.
A young girl, a few years older than Robyn, exited from the house. She walked towards her mother. "Please," she said, "he doesn't look that bad."
"What are you saying?" asked her mother. "He's a demon! I saw him flying! His hair was gold! His eyes were green! He was glowing! He's a demn!"
"Mother!" said Robyn. "He saved me from a group of brigands! He's a good guy!"
"No!" said her mother. "Look at him! He has a tail! No humans have tails!" Galloway then realized that he had forgotten to his his monkey tail.
"I don't care," said Robyn. "All I know is that he saved me."
The mother looked around, trying to find some kind of support. When none was available, she sighed. "All right. Let's take him in and wash his wounds. Robyn, Rythe, get the water."
Stage 13: The Desert Island
The crew flew the ship to the island. However, it hadn't fully recovered, so it landed on another island, forcing them to swim.
When they finally got there, they began to scoure the island for the Gauntlet.
Weiila and Star went into a cave, where they found nothing. Then they went deeper into the jungle, and found nothing. There was nothing at all on this island.
Dante and Wil went into another cave, where they found the Gauntlet. However, it was surrounded by about twenty walls of lava, fire geysers, and various other hot items of death. They had to wait for the volcanic activity to die down before they could go any further.
Hayes climbed up the volcano and sat down. Then he felt it rumbling. This was not good.
A young man wearing a red shirt, white hat, and blue pants saw the people walking around the island. "Gosh," he said, "what strange people." He then turned around and ran, screaming, "SKIPPER!"
*one funny scene change later*
Dante climed to the top of the volcano. He looked inside, and saw the lava slowly beginning to rise. This was very, VERY bad.
Then he heard someone coming from behind. Followed by a push into the volcano. Dante fell inside. Meanwhile, Hayes walked off, snickering all the way.
"How many times do I have to tell you, Gilligan?" said a large, fat man with a blue shirt and white hat. "There's nobody else except us on this island!"
"But, Skipper!" said Gilligan. "I saw them! They were just real...wierd!"
"Anyway," said the Skipper, "did you check the volcano?"
"Yes," said Gilligan. "It's getting real hot, and I think I heard it rumbling."
"Oh no!" said the Skipper. "That means...it's about to erupt!"
Mazrim looked at the inside of the volcano. The gauntlet was there, no doubt about it. But he had to get there somehow. Then he had an idea...
Wil tried to grab the gauntlet, but was blasted away by the rising lava. He quickly used a Shield spell to keep from being incinerated, but suddenly, a very heavy body fell on top of the shield. Wil looked up, and saw Dante riding on top.
The two were blown straight out of the volcano and landed back by the airship.
"What do we do, Skipper?" asked Gilligan.
"What else?" said the Skipper. "We stand around and act like complete idiots! That's what we always do!"
"Gee, Skipper," said Gilligan, "I'm getting sick of that plan. But, since I can't think of anything else, I guess that's what we'll do."
Mazrim went straight towards the column of lava. He quickly raised his apathy shield and calmly went through it. The gauntlet was strangely shielded, as if by some unnatural force. Maz quickly grabbed it, then ran out of the volcano.
Just then, the eruption stopped. The same force that was shielding the gauntlet must have caused it to begin with. The lava flow ceased, and everyone was happy. Especially all the castaways on Gilligan's Island.
Maz made his way back to the airship, but didn't expect a surprise attack by Kaizer, who knocked him out and took the gauntlet.
The next treasure was the "Lamp of Guidance". It was said to have been given to a "group that serves a god." Then it kindly pointed out where it was exactly. They then set off.
Stage 14: Return to the Cave
Galloway was taken inside. Robyn's mother quietly stabbed him a few times in the back for good measure before he was unceremoniously tossed onto the ground. Robyn and Rythe grabbed a small bucket of water and dumped it on top of him. Then a boy walked up and tried to stab Galloway even more, but his mother pulled him aside. "I think we've executed enough overkill." Val, still in the back of the house, smiled.
"That's my family, all right," she whispered, as not to be heard. "At least Galloway's out of the picture."
Just then, Val's father walked inside. After hearing about the demon, he hacked into Galloway's back a few times, then tossed him far into the forest.
"Little girl," said Robyn's mother, "would you like to stay for dinner? After all, you were just saved by a demon." Robyn was still in a state of shock, it seemed, but Val didn't care.
Val began to leave the next morning, but noticed that something was missing; namely, Robyn. The entire household went into an uproar, with screaming, searching, and other things; except for the boy, who was strangely quiet.
Finally, they noticed a note. It read:
I have the girl. Meet me in the cave. Signed, Kronos.
Val quickly grabbed her gear and walked outside. The rest of the family began to follow, until a loud groan was heard. They then noticed Galloway making his way out of the forest.
"You attacked me like cowards," he said. "You threw me into a forest to die. You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry."
"d," said Val, "shut up. Robyn's been kidnapped."
"I know," said Galloway. "I saw the guy who did it. I tried to beat him here, but since you nearly hacked my back into oblivion last night..."
"Sorry," said Robyn's mother. "We don't trust demons."
"DAMN IT!" screamed Galloway. "I AM NOT A DEMON! IF I WAS, I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOUR DAUGHTER LONG AGO!" Finally, everyone shut up. Galloway then grabbed Val.
"We'll get her back," he said. "We promise." He then went SSJ and flew off, much to everyone's surprise.
"Wow," said the boy. "Cool!"
"How'd you survive that?" asked Val. "You were just mutilated back there."
"Kid," said Galloway, "two things. First, my power comes from watching a show where people are hit dead-on with blasts that destroy an area the size of Utah and yet fail to so much as scratch their target, so stuff like that was nothing."
Val was a bit worried. This might make things a bit more complicated. "What's the second thing?"
"You're not the only one to be trained by the gods," said Galloway. "I studied under Master Lone Wolf, then got blessed by the god Kai. So basically, I may not be a thousand years old, but I'm almost on the same level as you."
Val sneered. She knew she could kill Galloway. She just knew it.
Finally, they arrived at the entrance to a large cave. Strangely, it looked exactly like the entrance to the Cave of Space and Time. "This," said Galloway, "is the headquarters of Kronos."
"So we're fighting the god of time now," said Val. "I can beat him easily."
"Actually," said Galloway, "I know someone who can tell us who Kronos REALLY is." Val was about to ask, but a thunderous voice boomed out, "ROBYN!"
She turned, and saw a very pissed-off Odin. "This," said Galloway, "is the Odin from the present. He came to warn us about Kronos, as well as punish you for stealing his credit card." Odin quickly grabbed Val, bent her over his knee, and spanked her for about five minutes. He then slammed her twenty feet into the ground.
"Okay," he said, as Val pulled herself out of the hole, "now we talk. Kronos is NOT the god of time. The real one is named 'Chronos'. Kronos is his younger brother, the God of Management Time."
"Eh?" asked Val. "Management Time?"
"Management Time," said Odin, "is the most screwed-up kind of time there is. It's all based on hallucinations, bad data, idiocy, and general incompetance. Even the wisest of gods have no understanding of how it works. Kronos probably wants to become the God of REAL Time, and in order to do that, he'll have to slaughter hundreds of mortals."
"I don't get it," said Galloway. "How does slaughtering mortals help you get a promotion?"
"Simple," said Odin. "The committee of divine promotions has several mortal-haters on it. They'll help anyone who slaughters tons of mortals. Well, gotta go. There's another Elder God committee coming up." With that, he left, and the two went into the cave.
The cave was, amazingly, the same as before, except for the fact that the way they took before was now blocked. Instead, they followed a new passage. At last, they entered a circular room, with a big emerald inside.
Val suddenly tripped Galloway with the Gungnir and grabbed the emerald. There was a blinding flash, and when it dissapeared, Val was an adult. "The Emerald of Grammer," she said, "is now mine!" She then picked up Gungnir and stared at Galloway.
"I guess we get to kill each other now," said Galloway. "Okay, a few rules first-"
"WHAT?" screamed Val. "What rules? There are no rules in battle!"
"Don't worry," said Galloway, "this is simply to see who's stronger. There are two rules: one, there are no rules, and for two, see number one. Okay, let's do this."
Val thrusted immediately. Galloway tried to dodge, but his hip was deeply scratched in the attack. He quickly slashed, but Val blocked his attacks easily. She then tripped Galloway and stabbed downwards, but Galloway rolled out of the way just in time. Gungnir tore straight through the ground his heart was over mere nanoseconds ago.
Galloway quickly spranged back up while Val was still pulling Gungnir out of the ground, and slammed her along the side of the head. She flew towards the wall, but jumped off it and sprang back at Galloway. She stabbed again, this time hitting Galloway in the shoulder.
Galloway quickly fired an energy blast at Val from behind, but she turned and knocked the blast back with Gungnir. Galloway twisted aside just in time to avoid the blast, but Val was already above him, her spear pointed downwards. He jumped out of the way just as it slammed head-on into the ground.
"She's tough," thought Galloway. "I can't keep up with her, even with the Kaioken. Guess I'll have to do it..." He quickly transformed into a Super Saiyan, but Val wasn't scared the slightest.
Galloway jumped forward and kicked, but Val sidestepped him easily and slashed him along the back. Galloway's rise in power kept the wound from being too serious, but it still hurt like hell. He quickly turned, now a very surprised Super Saiyan. Then he realized the truth. He'd have to go to the "special trick".
Val quickly raised the Gungnir. "Ready to die?" She then charged, but stopped when she saw that Galloway was raising his hands. She just stood there, watching the stupid spectacle. Maybe he had finally given up...
The large energy ball above him then showed that he wasn't done yet. It began to reach a gigantic size. Finally, it stopped growing. Val, however, was now five centimeters away from running Galloway through the heart.
Galloway smiled, then went back to Super Saiyan. The entire area was suddenly incredibly bright. In fact, Val couldn't even see her hand in front of her face, or Galloway for that matter. However, she quickly felt a fist smack her across the face, followed by one to the gut. Then there was a kick in the ass, a headbutt to the nose, and a chop to the breasts. Finally, she was slammed head-on into the wall, and smashed straight through to the area where the Fanwritten History was.
The light dissapeared, and Galloway was on his hands and knees, panting and gasping for air. "Remind me," he gasped, "to never try that again." Val, however, was too humiliated to say anything. She almost had him. She had almost won. She had him to the point where he had to cheat in order to win. Now she was screwed.
Galloway had barely won.
Galloway grabbed Val and shoved a Senzu bean down her throat. "Next time," he said, "I hope you do better."
"What was that?" asked Val, now fully healed. "A Solar Flare?"
"No," said Galloway. "It's a trick that involves a Spirit Bomb and SSJ. Next time, I might tell you. Now, let's save the little you."
They made their way back to where they had spent their first night in the cave. The corpses of the monsters were long-gone by now, but there were two other people in the cave. One was Robyn. The other was a fat man in a red body suit and hood. His chest had a large clock on it, and he held a strange septer with a clock on it.
"I am Kronos!" shouted the freak. "I will now destroy all of you, so that my master will make me the God of Time!" They all entered their combat positions, but suddenly, Kronos fell into pieces on the ground.
Turning, they saw Lone Wolf cleaning Skarn-skae. "Stupid Kronos," he said. "As if he'd believe a being worse than Naar."
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" shouted Val. "KRONOS WAS OURS!" She slammed Gungnir down in anger, causing a cave-in right above Robyn. Galloway quickly raced forward, grabbed the girl, then made his way back.
"Why, hello, Esker," said an all-too-familiar voice. "It's been a long time." Val turned, and saw Lenneth walking out of the shadows.
"Man," said Galloway, "this is getting wierder and wierder." He then turned to Robyn. "We've gotta get this kid back, anyway."
Lenneth took the child's hand. "We'll deal with it. Farewell." Lenneth, Lone Wolf, and Robyn walked away. Val just watched her friend leave, unable to say anything.
Fortunately, a purple portal appeared. The two quickly jumped through. When they came back out, they were back at the caved-in entrance of the cave, in their own time.
As they were getting up, a note magically appeared in front of Galloway. It read:
"Dear Galloway and Val: Robyn got home alive and well. We removed her memories of much of these events, except that a good demon saved her. Her destiny stayed the same; she still became a Valkyrie, doubted Odin, went on quest, etc. However, there was one new factor added to the mix. Robyn's parents were so amazed by how Galloway had saved her that they made a decision."
Galloway nearly had a heart attack when he saw the next line. Val looked at it, and was filled with murderous rage.
"Galloway, say hello to your fiance, Valkyrie Esker."
"THAT'S IT!" shouted Val. "I'M GOING TO GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL MY FUCKING PARENTS!"
"Uh, Val," said Galloway, trying his best to act rationally, despite the fact that his rage made Val look calm, "I don't think that would be a good idea. First, I misplaced the Digipad; it would take years to find it. Second, I have no idea where Chronos is; I never even met the guy, and Kai isn't too keen on saying where his fellow gods are. And three, killing your parents would result in a change in the time stream. You would have no time left to train, and as a result, will never become a Valkyrie. And as a result of that, the world will be destroyed by evil. Now, do you want that?"
Val thought about it for a minute, then sighed. "I guess not."
"Anyway," said Galloway, "what does it matter? Both of your parents have been dead for at least a thousand years! They'll never know if we really do get hitched or not!" Val smiled at the thought of that.
Suddenly, Odin appeared. "Oh, you two! How Robyn's parents will despair in the afterlife if they learned of this! You two are getting married, like it or not!"
"NO WAY!" shouted Galloway. "There's no way I'm marrying this bitch! Just drop it!" Odin quickly snatched Gungnir from Val, then pointed both it and his sword at their necks.
"I'm a god," he said. "An Elder God, at that. I can tear you into bite-sized pieces within milliseconds. Now, either you get married, like Robyn's parents swore, or I kill both of you, and send you to hell." The two had no choice but to agree.
(one shotgun...er, spear...wedding later)
Odin left, laughing. Galloway and Val now had a common hatred of the god. After swearing to get back someday, they left to find another treasure.
Stage 15: The Hallowed Grounds
The airship landed on top of a dark mountain. A path led down the side to the ruins of an ancient city. The group got out and made their way down. However, Scott shoved Mazrim down the side, sending him tumbling head-first into a bunch of jagged rocks.
Weiila flew down and into the city. It was eerily quiet. A bit too eerily quiet.
Then, as if in answer to her thoughts, a big net was thrown on top of her. She was quickly dragged away.
Scott made his way deeper and deeper into the city. However, as he was reaching what seemed to be a plaque, a bullet passed overhead. He turned, just in time to get blackjacked in the back of the neck.
Archone and Kaiser both got knocked out somehow. It's not important as to how or why right now.
Star jumped onto a rooftop as a congregation of figures in black robes proceeded silently through the ruined streets. Their heads were completely covered by hoods, and pistols and rifles were at their sides. In their posession where Weiila, Scott, Archone and Kaiser.
They had kidnapped his girlfriend again. At first, he thought about pouncing on them and killing them all outright, but there were too many of them. He had to find another way, and fast.
"Okay," said Val, "where the hell are we going?"
"According to the map," said Galloway, "we should be reaching the ruins fairly soon." Just then, he fell off a cliff and landed in the same city the others were in. Val laughed from several hundred yards above, then jumped down.
Just then, a bullet whizzed past Val, taking off some of her hair. She looked down at the lost hair, then up at the robed men in front of her. Her face twisted into one of complete and utter pyschosis. She grabbed Gungnir and tore through all of the men before they could get another shot off.
"Well," said Galloway, "I guess we aren't alone."
The cloaked men placed Weiila on a large stone altar. The surrounding room was carved out of black stone, the altar was made out of black stone, even the rats were made out of black stone. A lone figure stalked quietly into the room. He wore a ceremonial headdress and robes.
"My followers," he said, "let us begin the sacrifi-" He then realized that he had forgotten something important and ran off.
Galloway and Val ran through the streets, keeping their eyes out for any more of those black-robed guys. Suddenly, Galloway began to frantically check his pack.
"What the hell did you forget this time?" asked Val.
"The Holy Water!" shouted Galloway. "Where the hell is it?"
"What can Holy Water do, anyway?" asked Val. "What, are we just going to bless these guys or something?" Galloway shunned her ignorance and decided to check out that big building, while remembering to check for the Holy Water later.
Star pounced from roof to roof, before finding two shiny things lying in the street. He jumped down and quickly examined them. One was Weiila's recently polished whip. The other was a small glass bottle with a cross on it, filled to the brim with water. He pocketed it, then snuck into that big building.
Galloway and Val were attacked and captured, but not before Val had slaughtered 82% of the robed figures. They tied them to a large column, and Weiila saw for the first time what was nearby; a very deep chasm.
The robed figure returned again. When he got to Weiila, he drew a crooked black dagger he had hidden in him sleeve. It was soon enveloped in a black fire. "My people!" he shouted. "May Lord Vashna rise again!"
Just then, Star jumped from a nearby balcony. The man turned towards him, the flaming dagger ready to slice the kitty's throat open. Star tried to pounce, but missed. However, the bottle fell out of his pocket and smashed on the dagger, blowing it apart.
(one gruesome death scene later)
Everyone was freed, and all the black-robed figures were killed by Val before Star had a chance. Galloway mourned the loss of his Holy Water, but soon found the secret passage into the basement, where the treasure was.
Strangely, though, there were two treasures. The Lamp of Guidance was quickly nabbed by TD, but the treasure next to it, which was identified as the "Third Grader's Magic Marker", an item that seemed to have little to do with Fanfiction, was taken by Ersatz. Now they all had a treasure, and they all had to go back to the Castle of Fanfiction to see who would be the winner.
The shadowy figure laughed. The fools were walking into their own graves. Soon he would reclaim all that had been taken away from him.
Stage 16: The Tomb of teh true dev0l
The roving troop of adventurers made their way back to the Castle of Fanfiction, each with a treasure in their hand. They were each scheming up ways to kill the others so that they could become King themselves.
Just as they were nearing the 100 kilometer mark, however, the treasures began to glow. Suddenly, the part of their brains that control free will were deactivated, causing them to walk to the side of a mountain. Chiseled inside was a large stone door, like the kind you would find on a tomb. The treasures each shot out a beam of light, and the tomb opened.
They regained their conciousness as a hurricane-like wind blasted its way out of the tomb, followed by an evil laugh. Galloway, who was standing on a very soft patch of ground, was blown back. He collided into Star, who then went flying with him. They then slammed into Val, and all three fell down a steep cliff, their treasures still lying on the ground.
A black mist exited out of the tomb, as the laugh got even louder. Finally, the mist formed itself into a monstrous black shadow, which turned into a spectre-like monster. It had a head similar to one of the monsters in Aliens, two giant claws for arms, a long, red tongue, and no eyes or lower body.
"You foolish mortals!" it shouted. "You have done well. It was I who made Weiila ill. It was I who poisoned Magus's mind into holding that pathetic contest. And now, it is I who will destroy you, and reclaim RPGClassics!"
"What?" shouted Weiila. "Reclaim RPGClassics? Who the hell are you?"
The spectre laughed. "I am the one that came before and after. I am the one that controlled everything, from the tiniest post to the largest shrine. I am the great one, back from the grave in a more powerful body to destroy those that oppose me. I am...Shaheen Jim!"
Galloway, Val and Star landed face-first in a big pool of mud. After slowly climbing their way out, they found themselves staring at a big pair of robotic boots. As they glanced up, they saw the great Macc Maverick staring down at them. "Looks like someone just fell into Ultros's desert," he said.
(Gallo-note: I apologize for the lameness of this Macc. I cannot match Macc's corniness; in fact, nothing can.)
"Macc?" asked Val. "We heard that you were kidnapped."
"I was," said Macc, "or, to be more precise, 'Reploidnapped'. Good thing an old friend of mine came to save me."
At first, they all though of who this old friend could be. Then they saw him, as he and Macc punted the three back up the mountain.
The entire group was getting their asses handed to them. In fact, Shaheen Jim was beating them so badly, that the manner in which this beating is taken place has been ommited, as to spare the poor adventurers' some dignity. When Galloway, Val and Star landed back on the mountain, they were beaten badly, as well.
Finally, Shaheen Jim raised one black claw. He sent it flying downwards, prepared to crush the foolish heroes once and for all. Suddenly, just as the hand was about to reach the ground, there was a flash of light as it was bounced back.
When the light dissapeared, the mystery friend was revealed to be none other than the legendary hero of heroes. The savior of RPGC during many a battle. The one with the might to destroy Shaheen Jim.
It was the great Rast.
"RAST!" shouted Shaheen Jim. "I WILL DESTROY YOU!"
"Everyone!" shouted Rast. "Raise your treasures! Any moron knows that these kind of treasures contain the powers necessary for such a victory!" Everyone just did as they were told, and beams of light emmited from each treasure and hit the tip of Rast's blade.
Ignoring the shimmering sword, Shaheen Jim charged forward. His hands cackled with black energy. He was about to strike when Rast stabbed the blade home, straight into the middle of the shade.
The monstrosity flew up into the air, screaming and howling. It began to fly around in a cyclone, before finally shrinking and dissapearing in an array of lights.
Rast and Macc, sensing that their work was done, left the group. Magus, along with Sinistral and Lunaris, picked up the group on the Imperial Airship, then took them back to the Castle of Fanfiction.
After everyone had recovered, they were summoned to the throne room. President Merlin was sitting on the throne, a scroll in his hand. Once everyone was inside, he unfurled the scroll and read it.
"With the destruction of Shaheen Jim, and the return of the Treasures of Fanfiction, the contest is now over. There is only one matter left, and that is to crown the new King of Fanfiction."
He rolled up the scroll and set it aside. "Now, there remains only one problem. Since all of you collected one treasure each, we must decide on a winner ourselves. Please, stay here while we travel RPGC in search of an answer." He then left, along with Sin and Lunaris, while everyone else stayed in the throne room, got drunk, and played ping-pong.
Stage 17: The King of Fanfiction
After travelling far and wide, from one end of RPGC to the other, from the shrines to the forum, Merlin, Sin and Lunaris made their way back to the Castle of Fanfiction. After learning that all the candidates had dranken the castle's 20-year supply of beer, they used a sober spell. Merlin then walked up to the throne.
"I am pleased to announce," he began, "that a decision has been made. The King of Fanfiction is..."
There was the usual dramatic silence, as everyone waited for the winner's name to be announced. Even the sack was strangely quiet. Finally, Merlin decided that was enough waiting and finished the sentence.
Everyone let out a dissapointed groan as Val walked up to the throne. Merlin smiled, then snapped his fingers. Galloway was shoved in front of Merlin, as Sin and Lunaris brought out mops, buckets, and cleaning supplies.
"What gives?" asked Val. "I became king, didn't I?"
"Yes," said Merlin, "but did you ever learn what the King of Fanfiction actually DOES? He's nothing more than a janitor! The QUEEN of Fanfiction has supreme power! And, the second place winner, namely Galloway, must help you clean this entire castle, top to bottom, every day of your life." The three then left before Galloway and Val could respond.
Magus then entered the room, laughing gleefully. "I put minute amounts of poison in Weiila's tea," he said. "Had it not been for that, Galloway's chasing her would not have caused any pain at all! I am such a genius!" He then ran off, along with everyone else...except Val, Galloway, and Weiila.
"Tell you what," said Weiila. "I'll allow Val to be a figurehead, without the janitorial stuff, and Galloway can go free. All you have to do is pour drain cleaner into Magus's water." The two looked at each other, grinned evilly, then took some drain cleaner and snuck into Magus's room.
And so the contest ended. Many returned to their normal lives. Val became the honorary King of Fanfiction, and enjoyed all the perks of being a figurehead, except for having sex with Weiila. The Treasures of Fanfiction were kept in a vault, many hundred stories down. There, they would never be used for evil again...
But is it all that secure? Can another evil force obtain them? Only time will tell...
THE END...OR IS IT?