Part Three - Turning of the Tides of War
WARNING! DUE TO CHOKING HAZARD NO FOOD OR DRINK MAY BE CONSUMED WHILE READING THIS STORY! SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, BUT THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.
The World Goes to Hell and it's All Locke's Fault
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To celebrate the 20 day anniversary of TWGTHAIALF:CYGWIDL?
we are re-releasing the digitally remastered Rise of Locke's Mafia
This new version features enhanced digital effects,
full Dolby Surround Sound (In select theaters.)
and a few new scenes.
Now. Get ready to relive the classic...
A few days ago, on a nearby world...
The Rise of Locke's Mafia
It is a period of civil war.
Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base,
have won their first victory against the evil GALACTIC EMPIRE
Meanwhile on Gaia, the thief Locke-
The TREASURE HUNTER Locke has formed a Mafia from
an office full of unemployed villains.
Even now, Locke plans to take over the entire world
and enslave all who would oppose him...
Locke and Lugae cleaned out the unemployment offices.
Only a few heroes remained. (The heroes had thought it
wise not to try and stop so many bad guys from joining
Then Locke walked across the room to the pickup window,
noting that the floors looked much shinier, and that there
where reflections now, and tried to collect his
"I'm sorry." The clerk said, Much clearer then last time.
"But you seem to have become employed as a Mafia Boss."
"Uh...It's more of an army then a Mafia..." Locke said.
"I just like the word 'Mafia'."
"Well as a general of an army, you're still not getting an
"Hey!" Locke said. "If I have an army, I don't have to ASK
for my check. I can just TAKE it. In fact, I can take ALL the
"I don't think so." The clerk responded.
"Funny." Locke said. "I do."
"I'm not giving you the checks."
"I'll just take them."
"I wont let you."
"How can you stop me?"
"You don't want to know."
This went on for 29 minutes before it was brought to a digitally
"Funny." Locke said "I do."
"Okay," the clerk said. "If you say that one more time I'll-"
"Funny." Locke said "I do."
The clerk leapt from his desk and grabbed Locke,
raised him over his head, and threw him out the door.
His army followed him outside, and two computer
generated dinosaurs walked through the foreground.
"Are you alright?" Lugae asked.
"Uh? Hmm. Ah? Oh? Hi? Bye? Bye." Locke responded.
The army cheered, a Jawa walked by.
"Uh...Why didn't somebody tell me that unemployment
clerks know karate and things like that?" Locke asked
as he stood up.
"Huh?" Lugae asked. "Oh! Sorry. Did you just see a Jawa
"No." Locke said. "Why didn't you tell me that the clerk
doesn't know karate?"
"Because they finally added that scene. We don't have to
explain it anymore."
"That's nice." Locke said. "Now back to the story."
"Well if that's his game... Set up the remastered Siege
Towers! Assemble the Catapults! Sharpen your Steel!
We shall lay siege to the unemployment offices!
It shall be the first target in our...Uh...MY reign of terror!"
The army cheered.
Locke's army setup their siege equipment and prepared
Just then most of the South Figaro Police showed up.
One of the officers walked up to Locke.
"What do you think you're doing?" She asked.
"Uh, I'm laying siege to the unemployment office." Locke
answered. "With my new digitally remastered army."
"You're blocking traffic is what you're doing. Get this army
off the streets."
"But I have to surround my enemy!" Locke protested.
"You can be surrounded by metal bars if you don't take
your army out of South Figaro."
"No buts, Get out."
"AARRGGHH! Alright...!" Locke growled. "Come on guys...
The officer here says we can't attack that clerk."
"Bye-bye." The officer said.
"We're going!" Locke snapped. "Let's go to Nikeah and attack
"Why Nikeah?" Lugae asked.
"Four reasons 1: The Ferries leave from this very town.
2: The Ferries are free.
3: The Ferries have been digitally remastered.
4: They'll probably add the scene where we sail to
Nikeah." Locke said
Lugae nodded "Good reasons."
"You better believe they're good reasons! All digitally remastered
reasons are good reasons! And all of my reasons are digitally
remastered reasons! I am, After all, the Hand of God."
"Uh...Right..." Lugae said.
As the ferries reached open water and picked up speed,
Locke wandered the ship, wondering if adding this scene
was a good idea.
'If they add a new scene everywhere there was a quick
discription of events, It'll take forever to get through this
chapter.' Locke thought.
Locke heard a noise behind him and turned to see a huge
slug-like creature approaching him!
"Jabba the Hut!" Locke exclaimed.
"Mon Cole." Jabba said.
Uh... Jabba."Locke said. "What do you want?"
"Sy hodo nod gest Star Wars novet hes net kest et Han Solo."
[I need to find the new Star Wars movie to meet Han Solo.]
"Star Wars is that way." Locke said, pointing to the stern of the ship.
"Reles, Mon Cole."
[Thank you, Mr. Cole.]
Locke watched Jabba slither off then turned away so that
the author wouldn't have to explain where Jabba went.
The ferries landed in Nikeah the next day.
Unfortunately, the South Figaro police told the Nikeah police
that Locke was coming, so he didn't get to attack anything.
Locke marched his army south, past the Fanatic's Tower,
(Which looked much better now.)
and across the only bridge to what was left of the Southern
Continent, then east, to the center of the land.
Along the way they encountered Ultros who was happy to
join the Mafia.
Just as a new scene was about to be added, Locke stopped
it and just made Ultros head squid in charge of everything
someone else wasn't already in charge of.
As the army reached the wreck of Kefka's Tower Locke called
a halt and addressed the troops.
"Here we shall build 'The Hand of God Mafia Head Quarters'."
"Why here?" Lugae asked.
"Well...Kefka's Tower used to be here."
"Hey, I'm not paying for anything I don't have to!" Locke exclaimed.
"We'll build the head quarters out of the rubble."
Locke turned to his army.
"This pile of rubble will serve as our new base of
operations! Lugae, convert the area for construction."
"Uh, sure." Lugae said.
"NO NO NO!" Locke yelled. "You're forgetting the lines! We are supposed
be proving that we are the Army of The Hand of God by ripping off someone
else's line together!"
"Oh, yeah." Lugae said. "Sorry."
"Right." Locke replied "This pile of rubble will serve as our new base
Just then a computer generated robot flew by.
"Hey! Look and that enhanced robot!" Locke exclaimed.
The army cheered for the enhanced robot.
"Ok, Getting back to the conversation...
Our new base of operations. Lugae, convert the area for construction."
"Uh...What about materials?" Lugae asked.
"Use your imagination!" Locke snapped.
Lugae turned to Ultros. "Well? Any ideas?"
"Uh, my line...OH! There!" Ultros pointed in 8 directions.
"That's a lot of-HEY!" Locke hit Lugae.
"Say the next line!" Locke muttered under his breath.
"Oh, yeah..." Lugae turned back to Ultros.
"Great! but I'll need some help."
"Alright!" Locke said. "That's enough. Now really start building
Chapter Seven - A Call to War.
The MIGHTY armies of Locke Cole, The Hand of God crushed
all opposition. No one could match Locke's incredible intelligence.
His army destroyed countless cities and towns. The puny remnants
of the Figaran army tried to stop him at Doma castle, but Locke
destroyed them easily!
The his army-
Locke was interrupted by a knock on the door of his
"What do you want?!" Locke snapped irritably.
"Can't you hear me typing?"
Lugae opened the door and entered.
"Why don't you wait until after you win the battle
before you write about it?" Lugae asked.
"The battle can go only one way!" Locke exclaimed.
"What other possible outcome can there be?"
"Defeat?" Lugae asked.
"Defeat is not a option!"
"No, but it's a possibility."
"No it isn't." Locke said. "And anyone who thinks it is
can just step over by the Snarf."
"Well are you ready to lead your army?"
"Sort of." Locke said.
"I guess that's good enough." Lugae said as he
left the bunker.
Three days later, Locke's army is encamped in the middle
of the Veldt.
"Is there a reason we're in the Veldt?" Lugae asked Locke
as he entered the commanders tent.
"Yes, and stop interrupting my typing!" Locke snapped.
"You should lighten up." Lugae said.
Locke was still typing.
"Did you here me?"
Locke continued typing.
"You're a big ugly slimy-"
"I am listening, if that's what you're wondering." Locke said
without stopping his typing. "I'm just not going to answer you
until I'm done."
"I can wait." Lugae said. "But can you stand all the insults
I'll be giving you?"
Locke turned to Lugae.
"If it will make you go away, We're attacking Mobliz."
"What possible gain can that be?"
"None. I just want to pick on the kids. They don't fight back
like soldiers do."
"Aren't you forgetting someone?" Lugae asked.
"No." Locke answered.
"I don't think so."
"Ok." Locke said. "If you're so sure there's someone I'm forgetting,
then we'll play twenty questions."
"That's stupid, I can just tell you it's-"
"Shudup!" Locke screamed. "I said we're playing twenty questions!"
"Fine." Lugae sighed.
"Ok. Are you an animal?"
"I just said it was a person you were forgetting."
"Yes or no answers only!" Locke said.
"Are you a plant?"
"Are you a... person?"
"Harder then I thought... Are you...a man?
"Are you a woman?"
"You're wasting questions that-"
"Shut up! Yes or no?"
"Are you under three feet tall?"
"Are you over seven feet tall?"
"Hmm... That leaves most of the people on the planet...
Are you... over three feet tall, but under seven feet?"
Lugae sighed. "Yes."
"Hmm... Do I know you?"
"Do I like you?"
"I like you."
"Are you one of the Light Warriors?"
"Hey! I just narrowed it down to three with one question!
I am the Hand of God!"
"Do you think you can get it now?" Lugae asked.
"Sure! Are you Relm?"
"Are you Celes?"
"Darn! I thought a had it! What happened to my wife anyway?
"No." Lugae said.
"This is really tough. Could you give me a hint?"
"Espers!" Lugae exclaimed.
"Yes." Lugae said.
Locke rolled his eyes. "Are you Terra?"
"Yes, damnit. Now why did we have to do that?!"
"You're Terra? I though you looked different."
"What?" Lugae asked.
"I guess people can change in five years... But weren't
you a woman last time I saw you?"
"...I'm not going to bother answering you." Lugae answered.
"Fine." Locke said. "But since you're on my side, I'm going to
order the attack to proceed at once!"
Locke ran out of the tent before Lugae could stop him.
He also forgot to order the attack.
Yes, Locke attacked Mobliz all by himself.
Terra watched Locke charge across the Veldt, screaming on the top
of his lungs what she could only figure must be a battle cry of some sort.
Locke ran into the ruins and right up to where Terra was standing.
"In a hurry, Locke?" Terra asked.
"Hey! You're a woman again!" Locke exclaimed.
"Last time I checked." Terra agreed. "When wasn't I?"
"When we were playing twenty questions."
"I never played any games with you Locke."
"You didn't?" Locke asked shocked.
"No. Never in my life."
"...I thought you looked like Lugae." Locke said understanding at last.
"Where do you get that idea?" Terra asked in an annoyed tone.
"When we played... Never mind. I realize now that Lugae has tricked me!
He tried to get my army destroyed! But I was too smart for 'im!
I didn't bring my army!"
"You have an army?" Terra asked.
"Yeah, big one. I'm gonna take over the world and enslave all who
"You go and do that." Terra said. "I'll stay here, out of your way."
"Okay, sure." Locke said as he left.
Fortunately for Terra, Lugae had forgotten that magic was gone.
With out it, Terra really didn't stand a chance against Locke's army.
But of course, if Locke weren't so stupid, he wound have realized that
After wasting two weeks on the ridiculous court-martialing of Lugae,
(Who was found "Oh, alright! Just don't do it again")
Locke's army packed up and moved on.
Chapter Eight - A Battle at Last.
Locke's army was ready to attack once more.
This time their target was none other then Doma castle.
Edgar ran down the hall of Doma castle, heading for the walkway
across the outer walls. Something was going on.
As Edgar hurried out on to the walls the strange sound
continued growing louder.
Whatever it was, it was coming from the south. And it was coming
As Terra, Celes and Cyan joined Edgar something came into view over
A shadow fell over the whole castle as Locke's army pushed the largest
set of speakers Edgar had ever seen into position.
As the army drew near, the sound became clear enough to understand.
It was Locke, singing quite badly over the 200 foot speakers.
(Which really only had a five foot woofer inside, but Locke didn't know that.)
"THE STARS AT NIGHT, ARE BIG AND BRIGHT!!!"
The clapping of the army was like thunder, followed by thousands of voices
in chorus: "Deep in the heart, of Texas."
"I DON'T REALLY KNOW, THE REST OF THIS SONG!!!"
Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.
"Deep in the heart, of Texas."
"SO I'LL JUST SING, WHATEVER COMES TO MIND!!!"
Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.
"Deep in the heart of Texas."
Within the castle, the defenders made their plans...
"I'm telling you, he's completely flipped!" Terra said.
"I'm not sure he was ever totally sane." Celes put in.
"Then why did you marry him?' Terra asked.
"That was back at the end of the game. The script left
us both in love."
"I'M GOING TO, TAKE OVER THIS WORLD!!!"
Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.
"Deep in the heart of Texas."
"So what happened?" Terra asked.
"Well, all of these "Fan Fics". It's bad enough being a character
in a game, having to do what the script says. 'Let's destroy the world!
It'll make a better story!' Things like that. But these Fan Fics...
Some of the authors do some really stupid things to us!"
"Like this author?" Terra asked.
"Yeah, This guy's wacko. I mean, can you believe Locke trying to take
over the world?" Celes asked.
"AND NOBODY CAN, STO-O-O-P ME!!!"
Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.
"Deep in the heart of Texas."
"Could we discuss the nature of existence later?" Edgar asked.
"Right now we need to get rid of Locke's army."
"And without one of our own." Cyan said.
"And no magic." Terra added.
"Oh, that's no problem!" Edgar said. "I was eating a bowl of Alpha-bits
this morning, when I saw a scientific formula in the cereal!"
"I'M TIRED OF SINGING, I'M JUST GONNA GETCHA!!!"
Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap.
"Deep in the heart of Texas."
"What for?" Terra asked.
"Come on!" Edgar said excitedly "I'll show you!"
On the battlefield below, Locke's army prepared to attack.
"This is the last point of resistance in the world!" Locke said to his
troops. "Once castle Doma is ours, so shall be the entire world!"
The army cheered.... and the battle began...
As Locke watched the fighting at the castle walls, he noticed
many people working on something on the top tower of the castle.
Locke didn't pay much attention to it until it was finished.
...Until he realized what it was...
"It's beautiful!" Edgar exclaimed stepping back to view his masterpiece.
"It's big whatever it is." Terra remarked.
Edgar turned to the others gathered on the walls below.
"Behold! A Nuclear Fusion Cannon! The most powerful weapon in existence!"
Terra, Celes, Cyan and John clapped for Edgar's new toy. Then John
was removed from the story because he wasn't needed.
"Now," Edgar said wickedly "To deal with Locke!"
As Locke watched the cannon rotate into firing position, he gave
his army the only logical order: "RUN AWAY!!!"
"GET 'IM!!" Terra yelled.
Edgar locke the NFC on target. "Fire one!" Edgar pulled the trigger.
If Locke had been watching, He would have been watching in horror
as the awesome fusion cannon decimated his army.
But Locke was running for his life, so he didn't see.
Edgar watched the remnants of Locke's army flee. He had been
careful not to hit any of the sports players, and he certainly didn't
want to destroy Gwar. Richard Simmons, on the other hand had
been fair game. Edgar stepped down from his cannon and went
to join the others. "That thing is very, very cool." Terra said as
Edgar walked up.
"As cool as the guy who invented it?" Edgar asked.
Terra gave him a look. "Don't push it Edgar."
"Just a little cooler?"
"Edgar, go back to that story when you where married."
"Oh, okay!" Edgar said. "The one where I married you, of course!"
"No. The one where you married Genifer. You can't bug me there
because I'm dead."
"What?! You would rather be dead then married to me? What did I do?"
"Nothing really, just makes a more interesting story if we don't get along."
"Oh... When is this stupid story over?"
"Why?" Terra asked.
"Oh, no reason." Edgar said. "Just wondering if you'd like me after the
"Maybe, maybe not." Terra replied as she walked to the tower and went
inside. Edgar turned to Celes. "I think she does like me."
"Yeah, sure." Celes said as she followed Terra.
Edgar stood there for a moment, then turned to Cyan.
"YOU like me don't you Cyan?"
"Thou art a strong and noble warrior. Thou hast simply chosen the wrong
woman to follow." Cyan answered as he went inside.
"It's not MY fault!" Edgar called after him. "The script makes me do it!"
The next morning Edgar woke up and did all the things that people do
in the morning. He had an uneventful day, and went to bed.
The next day was much like the one before.
The day after that one was too.
And the next.
And the next.
And on the sixth day, Edgar was finished creating the earth.
And on the seventh day, Edgar realized that he still had the view point.
Edgar was quite embarrassed that everything he had done over the past week
had become part of the story. He was relived to discover that it had only
been quick discriptions.
However, fearing that it might switch to full coverage at any time, Edgar
gave the viewpoint back to Locke.
Chapter Nine - An army no more...
",,.and that's the answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything."
Locke sat down in his comfy chair. "Well I didn't think that would
make me feel better. In fact, never ask me about the meaning of Life,
The Universe, and Everything again."
After the destruction of his army, Locke and the few survivors returned
to the Hand of God Mafia Head Quarters. Lugae and Ultros tried to
explain that getting your whole army destroyed by a few heroes was
all part of the villain thing, but that didn't cheer Locke up any.
Locke spent days on end alone in his 'Hitler Bunker' coming out
only occasional to see if the world had ended yet.
After several weeks, Lugae rebuilt Locke's teleporter machine and
after searching a few dimensions, found something to get Locke back
The door to the 'Hitler Bunker' flew open, slamming against the far wall.
"What do you want?!" Locke snapped from under his table.
"Look what I caught!" Lugae exclaimed running over to the table and
putting down the fish tank he had been carrying.
Locke emerged from under the table. "Whoa! What are they?"
"Smerfs!" Lugae said.
Locke looked closely at the small blue men running about the tank.
"What are they for?"
"Whatever you want." Lugae answered. "There's 97 more where they came from
so don't worry about dropping a few."
Locke had a lot of fun playing with the Smerfs, and most of them
He created a Smerf obstacle course, ordered several sets of hamster
habitrails, built them all over the bunker and put a few dozen Smerfs
in side. He put Smerfs in plastic hamster balls and rolled them across the
bunker. The few Smerfs who didn't make it (Jokey, Brainy, Ugly and
Insideout) where the ones he put in the microwave.
He kept Papa Smerf tied to a cord around his neck,
then bet people as to whether or not he had a little blue man
tied to a cord around his neck.
Eventually Locke grew tired of playing with the smerfs, and stuffed them
all into the habitrail. However, he felt much better and ready to do bad
things once more.
This was unfortunate for Setzer, who had just made his first
appearance in the story by flying the Falcon over the H.O.G.M.HQ.
"There!" Lugae yelled pointing at a small object in the sky.
"I see him!" Locke said. "It's Setzer alright. He's probably here to
spy on us! Ready missile!"
"Aye, sir!" The soldier next to Locke answered as he moved to the
"Range to target." Locke asked.
"Target in range in 10 seconds."
"In range in 5 seconds."
"3...2...1...Target, in range."
The Locke-spring powered Setzer blasting missile took off in a blast
of flame. Locke watched the missile streak across the sky, leaving
a thin trail of smoke behind it. The Missile grew smaller and smaller
in the distance, until Locke could no longer see it. He kept his eyes
on the Falcon instead. The explosion, when it finally came was worth
watching. The Falcon plummeted to the ground, trailing plumes of
black smoke. There was a second explosion as the Falcon hit.
"Ohhh!" Lugae said. "He's dead!"
"Naa." Locke said shaking his head. "He'll be fine."
"Sure! He's a good guy. Good guy's can't be killed like that."
"That was some impact though." Lugae said.
"Yeah." Locke agreed. "The Falcon's totaled. Send somebody out there
to scrape Setzer off the ground and bring him to my bunker."
"Okay." Lugae said as Locke turned and walked inside.
"What do you think you're doin'?!" Setzer yelled as he struggled
against his chains.
"Trying an experiments." Locke answered as he placed Snarf
next to Setzer.
"What is that thing?" Setzer asked nervously.
"Snarf." Locke answered.
"What does it do?"
Locke placed a covered object on the other side of Snarf.
"You'll see." Locke said as he wrote 'Life' on the box in the snarf and
turned the dial to it. "Watch this! ...Oh, I forgot you won't be able to!"
Locke stepped away and pushed power on his remote control.
Setzer slumped and a small thud could be heard from under the cover.
Locke worked as quickly as he could given his total lack of experience
and proper equipment.
Setzer awoke feeling very strange. It was also pitch black
wherever he was. "Locke!" He yelled. "Where are you, you little creep?!"
"Right here!" Locke exclaimed as he pulled the cover off the cage Setzer
was trapped in. "What?!" Setzer gasped as he saw Locke towering over him.
"H-How did you... Make yourself... So big?!"
"I'm not bigger." Locke said mischievously. "Look over there!"
Locke pointed over to the right. Setzer eyes followed the line traced
by Locke's finger until he saw what Locke was pointing at.
It was Setzer's body... With the head of a canary.
Setzer looked down at himself in shock. He had the canary's body.
Locke used his mad scientist laugh as Setzer screamed in terror.
Stay tuned for the conclusion of this monumental event in the history
And here's the final part now!