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Scenes from a parallel universe; FF8: Part 5

SCENE 28: Book Ďem, Danno

[Head Matron Edea (possessed) is in her office, amusing herselves with a combination of insane and wicked cackling, throwing frog poison-tipped darts at a picture of Squall hanging on the wall (from when he was ďStudent of the MonthĒ back in February) of her office, and spinning her head around just to freak out Sid, whoís shivering in the corner, pants quite moist.]

[Enter Laguna, with a bucket of tap water in one hand and a bible in the other.]

Laguna [to Sid]: Iím not too late, am I?

Sid: [terrified] No, sheís right over there.

Laguna: Ah. Hello...Edea, isnít it?

[She smiles at Laguna.]

[She opens her mouth and projectile vomits half a gallon of sickly green pea soup all over his face.]

Laguna: Lovely. Okay, um, whoeverís in there, like, get out, and stuff.

Edea: No. Weíre not finished in here.

Laguna: Oh, I think you are. The power of Christ compels you!

[He holds the Bible up in her face. There is no reaction.]

Edea: What the hell do you think youíre doing?

Laguna: The power of Christ compels you!

[He dumps the bucket of water over her head. The spinning of the bucket, caused by the spinning of the head underneath, attests to the ineffectiveness of this attempt.]

[Edea rips the bucket off her head.]

Edea: What was that for?

Laguna: Holy Water.

Edea: [very sarcastic and mocking] Oh PLEASE. Weíve seen underwear that was holier than that water. [points to Sid.] His, in fact.

Sid: Shut up!

Edea: [Very Demonic sounding voice] YOU SHUT UP!

Sid: [very cowed, and very scared, whispers and whimpers] yes dear.

Laguna: So, like, the power of Christ has compelled you twice now. Donít you feel like leaving her body?

Edea: Nope.

Laguna: [Shoves the Bible in her face again] The power of Christ compels you!

Edea: No it doesnít.

Laguna: Oh. Hmm, hold on a minute.

[Laguna puts the Good Book down and fishes around in his pockets. He finds some incense and a gold Buddha Statuette.]

Laguna: Then, um, the power! Compels you.

Edea: Nope.

Laguna: How about Mohammed?

[Edea shakes her head.]

Laguna: Moses?

[Edea pantomimes a yawn.]

Laguna: Krishna, Vishnu, Shiva, Brahma, or any particular combination of the aforementioned?

[Edea blatantly and shameless picks her nose and, after studying the formation and consistency, she flings the booger in Lagunaís face.]

Edea: Is this going to take much longer? Weíve got places to go, people to kill, you know.

Laguna: The power of...umÖhow about Odin? Does the power of Odin compel you?

Edea: ...

Laguna: Zeus? Jupiter? Amon-Ra?

Edea: Youíre really reaching for them, now. Itís getting embarrassing.

Laguna: The power of Hyne commands you!

Edea: Oh, come on, now youíre just making them up!

Laguna: [frustrated] Christ!

Edea: You tried that one several times already.

Laguna: I give up.

[Laguna picks up the Bible and storms out of the office, stopping only to hurl the bible back over his shoulder blindly in frustration. Improbably, (miraculously?) it beans Edea in the forehead.]

Edea: Ouch! Watch it, you idiot...uh oh...

[She begins to twitch and writhe uncontrollably. She falls to the floor, still twitching and writhing. She emits inhuman screams and bellows of protest, but all in vain, as the evil spirits are compelled to leave her body. In wisps of smoke and with much foul language, they seep through the floorboards and descend, below, where they belong.]

[Edea, now dispossessed, sits up, blinks her eyes, and stretches her neck.]

Edea: Did I miss anything?

[She looks over at Headmaster Sid.]

Sid: Oh, Iím so relieved.

Edea: [looking at his pants] You most certainly are. Honestly, Sid, I understand that plenty of men have bladder control issues in their older years, you really ought to go to the doctor. Thereís no shame in it.

Sid: Iím just glad everything will be back to normal around here again.

[Fade Out.]

SCENE 29: Plot Compression

[Hallway, outside class. A few students mill about here and there. Quistis has hidden herself in the Janitorís closet, the door to said closet slightly ajar so she can watch, unseen, the events that are so soon to unfold.]

Quistis: This is like sooo ironic, and stuff. Youíd think the Janitor would, like, at the very least, keep his own closet clean?

[Enter Squall, from the right.]

Squall: Yo, dis be it. Dis be where Selphie said sheíd meet me.

[Enter Seifer from the left.]

Seifer: [takes a deep breath] The moment of truth.

[Squall and Seifer see each other.]

Squall: ...

Seifer: ...

Squall: Yo.

Seifer: Hello.


Squall: Man, this ainít just about a bet for me no more, just so ya know. Ainít no game, ya feel?

Seifer: I know. Sheís amazing.

Squall: I heard that.


Squall & Seifer, simultaneously: I think I love her.

[They look at each other, oddly, tensely.]

[Enter Selphie. She looks at Seifer, then at Squall.]

Selphie: [ASIDE TO AUDIENCE] This is so nerve-wracking. The three of us in the same place...this probably wasnít the best idea. Oh well, too late now.

Squall: Yo girl, wassup?

[Squall gets very close and wraps his arm around her shoulders and gazes amorously into her eyes.]

[Seifer, sensing a battle lost, shyly waves a greeting.]

Quistis: [Whispering, unheard by the others] Like, come on Seifer! Donít be such a dweeb! Go get her. Donít, like, be intimidated!

Seifer: [Soft Voice] Hi Selphie. How are you? [ASIDE TO AUDIENCE] If itís up to our charisma and our ďtechniqueĒ itís over. Iíve lost her. But Selphieís too smart to be that shallow. Iím sure she recognizes me for what Iím like on the inside, as I do her.

Squall: So, what Ďcha say, girl?

Selphie: [Smiling] Yes.

Quistis: NOOOOOO!

[Nobody else hears her.]

Squall: Cool beans!

[Seifer silently walks away. Exit Seifer.]

Squall: So, um, yo, when you want me to be rolliní by on my wheels to pick you izzup?

Selphie: The Garden Festival starts at 8:30, right?

Squall: Yup yup.

Selphie: So, how about 8:00?

Squall: Aight. Iíll pick you up at 8:00.

[They embrace.]


[Again, nobody hears Quistis.]

[Selphie excuses herself and leaves. She turns around once, waving goodbye to Squall. Exit Selphie.]

Squall: Uh! Uh! Raise The Roof!

[Exit Squall, ďraising the roofĒ as it were. Quistis emerges from her hiding place.]

Quistis: Oh, my, gawd, how did this happen to me? Like, what am I going to do now? [Shudders] Ewww, I sooo donít want to be seen anywhere with Seifer. Especially, at the Garden Festival! Itís like only THE most important social event ever!

[A loud crashing noise is heard, coming from within the closet. Quistis emerges from the closet, a bucket affixed to her head and dumping an unidentified and not very clean-looking liquid all over her.]

Quistis: Ewww! Ewww! Ewww! I sooo donít need this now!

[Re-Enter Squall, attracted by the noise. He sees Quistisí predicament. And laughs.]

Quistis: Shut up Squall! This is sooo totally not funny, okay?

Squall: Girl, you crazy. Man, is that some trendy new Donna Karan hat or something? Man! Thatís a trip.

Quistis: Shut up! Stop laughing at me! Itís not funny.

Squall: Aight, Aight, donít trip, Iím just messiní wit cha. Hey, I gotsta give you props though. I never even woulda thought about trying to hook it up with Selphie if not for our little bet. Thanks.

[Squall helps Quistis take the bucket off her head.]

Quistis: What are you talking about?

Squall: Man, Selphie is da bomb! Once ya get to know her, and all dat.

Quistis: [defeated] So you really are going with her to the Garden Festival.

Squall: To dat and beyond dat, is what Iím sayiní.

Quistis: So, youíre really happy with her, then? Like, everything worked out well in the end, ní stuff?

Squall: Yup.

Quistis: So, um, like, you arenít going to, like...

Squall: Hold you to yoí end of the bet?

Quistis: [suddenly very hopeful] Yeah?

[Squall laughs.]

Squall: What? You trippiní! Of course I gonna hold ya to it! Donít make da play if you canít make the pay, girl!

[Exit Squall.]

[Quistis kicks the bucket.]

Quistis: NOOOOOOOO! This is SOOO unfair!

[Re-Enter Seifer, more than a little despondent.]

Seifer: I suppose itís not my place to question His wisdom, but...but why me? Or, actually, why not me? I just really thought I felt some chemistry there. Was it something I said? Something I did? Why couldnít she take a chance on me? Am I not worth it? Stupid Squall, swooping in when he isnít even really, Iím sorry. I take that back. I apologize. Itís not right of me to think such things. Besides, he does seem to really and genuinely care about her, too. I suppose I have to accept that. If sheís happy...if sheís happy with him, thatís what really matters. I just want her to have more faith in herself, and others. If Squall helps her do that, then, yeah, thatís good. They have my blessing. Thatís what I want for her, then. But...

Quistis: [apprehensive] Um, Seifer?

Seifer: Oh, hello. Quistis, right?

Quistis: Yeah.

Seifer: Is that... [sniffs]

Quistis: Itís Chanel No. 5. Very expensive

Seifer: Actually, I was referring to that liquid that youíre soaking in. It smells an awful lot like Pine Sol. Did you fall into a mop bucket or something?

[Quistisí cheeks flush bright crimson with utter humiliation.]

Quistis: Um, Seifer, this is like, really, really embarrassing for me. But, um, like, I still donít have, like, a date for the Garden Festival. [She pauses apprehensively.] Even though Iím still sooo really really popular! But, um...


[Long pause.]

[Seifer and Quistis look at each other.]

Quistis: I need a date so like Iím asking you if you want to like go with me to Garden Festival okay there I said it letís go.

[Quistis cringes, anticipating having to stoop to going with Seifer to Garden Festival.]

Seifer: Thatís okay.

Quistis: Huh?

Seifer: Itís okay, thereís no need for you to feel embarrassed or nervous or dreadful. I know youíre only asking me because you have to, owing to the terms of the bet you made. Donít worry; Iím not really all that interested in going, anyway.

Quistis: What?

Seifer: Besides, I feel Iíve not been as gracious and graceful as I could be these past few days. I probably really should spend tomorrow night in more spiritual pursuits.

Quistis: [In utter disbelief] Youíre...saying NO? To me?

Seifer: Thatís right. Thank you, but Iím honestly not interested. No offense, but I really donít think youíre my type.

Quistis: No Way! Youíre turning me down?

Seifer: Iím sure there are plenty of other guys in Garden who would be interested in going with you, though.

Quistis: Quit talking in that stupid mock-innocent voice! And wipe that stupid smirk off your face! That is sooo not cool!

Seifer: What do you mean?

Quistis: Youíre, like, totally rubbing it in my face! Squall put you up to this, didnít he?

Seifer: No, actually, he didnít, sorry. Iím not trying to rub any salt in any wounds of yours. I just honestly am not interested in going to Garden Festival with you. I really didnít think youíd make such a big deal out of it, to be honest. I mean, you donít really want to go with me. You only asked because you lost a bet and, thus, you have to. You never really have thought very much of me. I get the impression youíd be embarrassed to go with me to Garden Festival. Or any other function, for that matter. I wouldnít want to put you through any of that supposed embarrassment, I donít have any strong desire to go to Garden Festival, so why go? One school dance isnít very important in the Grand Design, anyway. Good bye, Quistis. And good luck.

[Exit Seifer.]

Quistis: I do NOT believe this! This is like SUCH a nightmare, oh, my, gawd.

[Enter Fujin and Raijin.]

Fujin: Hey.

Raijin: Whatís going on?

[Quistis only shakes her head in disbelief, still staring at the spot where Seifer was standing when he turned her down.]

Raijin: Looks like Selphie agreed to go to the Garden Festival with Squall.

[Quistis groans in frustration.]

Quistis: This is sooo the worst day ever! Like, Iím hiding out in the Janitorís closet to see what happens with Squall and Seifer and Selphie, right, and like itís so dark in there that I canít see how totally grody it is, and she agrees to go with him to the Garden Festival! And, like, I get something totally disgusting over all my clothes and then Iím all like ďoh no, I lost the bet and Iím stuck asking that loser Seifer out, and so Iím all like ďhey, Seifer, like, you wanna go to Garden Festival with meĒ and stuff like that, right, and... [she stops.]

Fujin: ContinueÖ

Raijin: And what?

Quistis: [very upset] HE TURNED ME DOWN!

Fujin: WHAT?

Raijin: So you asked him out and he said no?

Quistis: This is sooo humiliating.

Raijin: It must be. That really sucks. Iím sorry, Quistis.

[Raijin and Fujin turn away from Quistis.]

Fujin & Raijin: [ASIDE, TO EACH OTHER] {snickering laughter}

Raijin: So, like, you still donít have a date for Garden Festival, do you?

Quistis: No. Oh, my, gawd, Iíll have to ask...[Shudders]...Zell. Thatíll be, like, going with my brother, or something. Everyone will be all like ďoh my God, Quistis is such a hillbilly.Ē

Raijin: Actually, turns out he hooked up with Rinoa.

Quistis: What the hell? Youíre kidding!

Fujin: Nope.

Quistis: How could she do that to me? Okay, okay, donít panic, thereís got to be somebody else. How about [she swallows hard] that Nida guy?

Raijin: Going with that girl Xu, Iím afraid.

Quistis: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, who else, maybe one of those dweebs Rinoa hangs out with, what are their names?

Raijin: Zone and Watts, I think.

Quistis: Iíll have to ask one of them. This is sooo awful.

Raijin: Nope. They canít go.

Quistis: Why not?

Fujin: Suspended.

Raijin: Yeah, they got suspended from extra-curricular activities after they pulled that stunt with the spray-painting ďDeath to Bourgeois Galbadians = Justice and Freedom for AllĒ on the side of the gym. You know how they are about the revolution.

Fujin: Sorry.

Quistis: This is sooo lame! That just leaves...oh, my, gawd, Iím going to be stuck asking Irvine.

Raijin: No you wonít. Heís hooked up with Ellone.

Quistis: What? Who? How?

Raijin: Yeah. According to eyewitness accounts she made the first move. Practically jumped on top of him and forced her tongue right into his mouth, apparently. He seemed to like it, too.

Quistis: I canít go by myself! My life will be like sooo over! But, if I donít go at all, my life is like also over! What am I going to do?

Raijin: Looks like youíre stuck trying to chase after Seifer. You got, what, five days to change his mind?

Fujin: Three.

Raijin: Three days.

Quistis: Gawd. You guys like need to help me, and stuff.

Raijin: Like, give you advice?

Fujin: Tips?

Quistis: Whatever.

Raijin: Personally, Iíd get moviní after him instead of just sitting around talking to us. I mean, who knows who could be asking him out right now.

[Quistis gets a horrified look on her face at the suggestion of that possibility. She runs off. Exit Quistis.]

Raijin: Normally, if my neighborís house was on fire, Iíd loan him my garden hose, butÖ

Fujin: If only watching her go down in flames like this wasnít so terribly amusing. I do feel guilty about laughing at her misfortune, but, you know, she is sort of snobbish.

Raijin: She sorta asked for it, ya know?

[Awkward Silence as they both look at each other.]

Fujin: Why do I have the sudden compulsion to kick you in the leg?

Raijin: No idea. Um, please donít?

Fujin: I guess itíll pass. Anyway, do you think Quistis will be able to talk Seifer into it?

Raijin: I do know one thing. Itíll be fun to watch her try.

Fujin: Definitely.

[Exit Fujin and Raijin, in Quistisí direction.]


SCENE 30: Plot Compression, Continued

[Nida and Xu are sitting in the library, no longer studying. Their hands are on top of the table, touching each other, and not accidentally.]

Nida [blushing and whispering]: So, um, would you...

Xu: ...uh...

Nida: Like, you know, us. At know.

Xu: Yeah.

Nida: Like, together, and, you know.

Xu: Iíd lovó [pauses, blushing] yeah. Please.

Nida: Thank you.

Xu: Youíre welcome.

[They laugh nervously. Awwww. MEANWHILE...]

[Over in the Quad, Ellone finally gets off of Irvine, who sits up, looking rather disheveled; his hair is mussed, his cheeks are flushed, and his tie is undone. He looks wide-eyed at the surprisingly frisky Queen of Perfect Attendance grinning voraciously to his immediate right.]

Ellone: So, weíre going to Garden Festival together now, right?

[Irvine, still shocked (but pleasantly so) nods his head.]

Irvine: [Muttering semi-coherently] Yes. [Pause] Um, would you mind, um, doing that again?

Ellone: I was hoping youíd ask that...

[Ellone leaps onto Irvine and begins making out with him passionately again. MEANWHILE...]

[In detention hall. Zell and Rinoa are holding hands, while Zone and Watts as they argue over ideological concerns.]

Zell: So whatís going to happen to your revolution now?

Rinoa: Itíll probably fizzle out as I grow up, and gradually abandon all my political principles for the sake of having a little fun. Just as well, I suppose. I mean, do you really think THEY could overthrow a state?

Zell: I guess not.

Rinoa: Probably, my best hope is to infiltrate the system and try to subvert it from within.

Zell: Youíve already got one. [Smiles].

Rinoa: [Smiling Back] Yeah, just you wait. In two weeks Iíll even have you eating the hot dogs they serve here.

Zell: No way.

Rinoa: I guarantee I will. Or Iíll die in the attempt.

Zell: Donít say that.

[A small dot of red light, like a laser pointer or laser sight on a sniper rifle, appears on the side of Rinoaís head.]

Rinoa: Crap.

[The light shifts just before a shot rings out. It misses completely.]

[Zell tackles Rinoa to the ground and smothers her protectively.]

Zell: Stay down!

[But no more shots are fired. The only sound is of muffled voices and struggling.]

[Enter Laguna, holding a sniper rifle in one hand. The other hand is dragging a young girl, arms and legs bound, with her hair done in one long pigtail.]

Laguna: You two all right?

Rinoa: I think so.

Laguna: See, I was coming back from Headmaster Sidís office, trying to find the exit, and I got lost. And I wandered in here, and I see some girl crouching behind the stack of books over there...

Rinoa: The Depository?

Laguna: Yeah. I found this girl over there, with this rifle. I figured she was up to no good, so I tackled her, disarmed her, and tied her up.

Pigtail: Zell, honey, I did it for you. I did it for us.

Zell: Oh geez, not you again.

Pigtail: How can you be like that? After all weíve been through together?

Zell: You gave me one book. ONE! And it was something I already had a copy of. Thatís not the basis for a relationship.

Pigtail: But I love you! I need you! I have to have you! I canít let anybody come between us!

Zell: Youíre psycho.

Rinoa: You tried to kill me!

Pigtail: Youíre taking my man away! How could you do that to me? Seducing my poor little Zelly-Welly and filling his head with all your Bolshevist garbage! I couldnít just let that happen, I love you Zell!

Zell: Get help. Now. Seriously.

Pigtail: She doesnít love you the way I love you, Zell!

Rinoa: I sure donít, lucky for him.

Zell: I can do without your creepy fatal attraction stuff.

Pigtail: Come on Zell, give me another chance, please? Come on, itíll be just like the old times, I swear.

Zell: We donít have any old times. Iíve been in the library three times in the four years Iíve been going here, and Iíve only checked out one book.

Pigtail: Yes! Our book! Didnít you see all the special notes and drawings I put in it for you?

Zell: Why do you think I returned it so quickly?

Rinoa: You are one screwed up little fanatic, girl.

Pigtail: You shut up! Iíll kill you!

[Pigtail lunges at Rinoa, trying to bite her in the neck, vampire style. She doesnít get very far, as Laguna grabs Pigtail and hoists her over his shoulders.]

Laguna: So, um, should I take her to the Headmaster, or the School Nurse?

Rinoa: Just keep her the hell away from me, beyond that I donít care.

Zell: School Nurse. Only because we donít have a psychiatrist on duty.

Laguna: Iíll do that then. By the way, either of you seen my son around?

Zell: Your son?

Laguna: Squall. You seen him?

Rinoa: No. Sorry.

Laguna: Thanks anyway.

[Exit Laguna and Pigtail.]

Rinoa: I feel safer now.

[They kiss. Awww. MEANWHILE...]

[Headmaster Sid and Head Matron Edea (dispossessed) are in their office.]

Sid: Iím so glad youíre back to normal.

Edea: That makes th...two of us.

Sid: Iím really in a good mood. I think Iím going to call an assembly and address the student body. Wish me luck.

[He moves in to hug Edea, who pulls back.]

Edea: Oh no. Not until you change out of those pants.

Sid: [Looks down, embarrassed] Oh, yeah. Thanks dear.

Edea: Somebody has to do the thinking for us, after all.

[MEANWHILE...just inside the gates of Balamb Garden]

Squall: Yo.

Selphie: Hi.

Squall: So, itís like dis. Dis started out as this bet thang I had goiní on wití Quistis and all dat.

Selphie: Iím aware of that.

Squall: Yeah, I just want to be totally real, yo. So I ainít trippiní about how you wasnít digginí my flo at first, because I wasnít beiní true. But, like, it ainít like dat now. You feel me? I ainít never met nobody like you, and thatís the real dope right there.

Selphie: ...Yeah. Itís just that itís still so hard to believe. To be honest, I really didnít think much of you at first, either. I assumed you were pretty much like everybody else. Just another person trying to play games with me. So I figured you and Seifer would eventually just go away if I kept shutting you out long enough. Just like everybody else eventually does.

Squall: Dis ainít no game, girl.

Selphie: Yeah. I realize that now.

[They embrace, and share a quick kiss. Awwww. MEANWHILE...]

[Outside Seiferís dorm room. Fujin and Raijin have broken into the room of some unassuming student across the hall and watch on as Quistis approaches and knocks on Seiferís door.]

Raijin: [ASIDE TO FUJIN] This is gonna be so cool.

Fujin: [ASIDE TO RAIJIN] Shhh!

Quistis: Oh, my, gawd, I cannot believe Iím doing this. [Knocks on Seiferís door.] Seifer!

[The door opens. Enter Seifer.]

Seifer: Hello, Quistis.

Quistis: Seifer, like, can I ask you something?

Seifer: Certainly.

Quistis: Why did you turn me down? Like, be honest, and stuff.

Seifer: You donít seem to be my type. And, to be honest, I donít think Iím yours.

Quistis: So, like, whatís wrong with me that you donít want to go with me?

Seifer: Just because Iím not interested in you doesnít mean thereís anything wrong with you.

Quistis: But do you know what people are like going to be saying about me if I go alone?

Seifer: I think youíre too concerned about what other people think of you. You know, once we get out of Garden, once we graduate, nothing any of us said here, or did here, is really going to matter. Who cares if some person, or even some people, youíll never see again for the last 60 years of your life were critical of you or looked down on you for any reason?


Seifer: People will say and think all sorts of unflattering things about me when I donít go.

Quistis: They already do.

Seifer: Well, yes. But you see, thatís my point. It doesnít bother me. I know they donít define who I am. I define who I am. You define who you are; at least, you could if you want to. Instead of letting others define you.

Quistis: So, like, what does any of this have to do with why you donít want to go with me?

Seifer: You only want to go with me because you want to go, period, and you think that somehow you are less valid a person if you donít go with somebody. Itís not me because Iím me, itís me because Iím available. And, ultimately, itís because youíre worried about you and how you will look in the eyes of others.

Quistis: Oh. But, like, if people saw you with me, maybe...

Seifer: Maybe they would think more of me. But so what? It doesnít matter to me what they think of me. And it shouldnít matter to you.

Quistis: ...

Seifer: Besides, I really had my heart set on Selphie, and, well, that didnít quite work.

Quistis: I suppose thatís my fault, ultimately. Iím, like, the one who dared Squall to pursue her. Sorry.


Quistis: The thing is, the reason I did it was because I figured heíd fail. And, like, when he lost, the deal was Iíd get to redesign his look, and stuff. But I really wasnít going to. It was just going to, like, be a cover, to get to spend more time with him. I suppose I, like, deserve this.


Quistis: Youíre not saying anything. I guess youíre, like, pretty mad at me.

Seifer: Well, maybe a little. But I can forgive you.

Quistis: Really? Why? I mean, I really, like, sort of screwed you over.

Seifer: Well, maybe it wasnít meant to be. Besides, I donít believe in holding grudges.

[Long, awkward silence. Quistis and Seifer take turns staring at the tips of their footwear, waiting for the other person to speak next. Quistis breaks the silence first.]

Quistis: Um, Seifer? Would you like to go to Garden Festival with me? Not as like a convenience date or a mercy date or a pity date, but as, like a real date? To, like, get to know each other better? Honestly? As friends?

Seifer: You mean it?

Quistis: Totally. I mean it.

Seifer: All right.

Quistis: I mean, like, I shouldnít worry about what anyone else thinks of me, besides me, right?

Seifer: Right.

Quistis: So, like, if other people donít like it, like, whatever?

Seifer: There you go.

Quistis: [laughs] Wow, Iím like, actually pretty excited about this.

Seifer: You know what? So am I.

[They clasp hands. Awww. Fade Out.]

SCENE 31: Garden Festival? Booyaka!

[Garden Festival. The Quad has been converted into a dance hall, with a tacky disco ball hanging in the center of the ceiling. The theme for the decorations is ďSorceresses and KnightsĒ naturally. Thereís a pair of elaborate ice sculptures; one of a man with a sword raised defensively, the other of a woman in the middle of a magical incantation, guarding the punch bowl. Iconography of gunblades and fire-crosses and lionís heads and angelís wings line the walls. Thereís even a mural depicting a curious figure; with the head of a lion, the wings of an angel, gunblade gripped in one hand, whip in the other hand, black vine tattoo on the left cheek, red cross cut into his bare chest, wearing a yellow tunic, glasses, and a cowboy hat. It hangs over the entrance; the culmination of all the images.]

[At the opposite end, always willing to work odd jobs to scrape together a little extra cash, is Laguna, prepared to be chaperone and DJ.]

[Enter Edea and Sid, together. Enter Ellone and Irvine, together. Enter Nida and Xu, together. Enter Fujin and Raijin, together. Enter Zell and Rinoa, together. Enter Seifer and Quistis, together. Enter Squall and Selphie, together.]

Squall: Yo! My old man!

[Selphie frowns viciously at him.]

Squall: My bad. I mean, yo! My pop!

[Selphie smiles approvingly.]

Selphie: Good. I hate that game.


Selphie: You are going to introduce me to him, right?

Squall: Yup yup. [Makes his way over to Laguna, with Selphie on his arm.] Yo, dad, check it!

Laguna: Hey Squall.

Squall: ĎSup den? What you doiní here?

Laguna: Iím DJ-ing.

[Squall casts a look of pleasant surprise.]

Squall: PHAT! [ASIDE, to Selphie] My dadís got an even tighter flow then me, this party is gonna be OFF DA HOOK, yo!

Laguna: Whoís your friend?

Squall: Aw yeah, Dad, this be Selphie.

Laguna: DAY-AMM!

Squall: I know. She hella smart too, in addition to being hella fine. I thought youíd like her.

[Selphie, under all her pale makeup, blushes.]

Squall: [ASIDE, to Laguna] In fact, dad, I think she be really special. The one, even. Dat serious.

Laguna: [mocking laughter] Now now, Squall, what have I told you about getting serious?

Selphie: Hmm?

Squall: Um, nuthiní, whatever.

Selphie: No! Come on, I want to hear this.

Laguna: Only get serious when youíre too old to have fun anymore. A point I have still not yet reached. [Scratches on the turntable.]

Squall: Címon Selph, be best be lettiní my dad DJ.

[They pull away from Laguna.]

Ellone: [Cooing] Hey Irvine...

Irvine: What?

Ellone: Look over there. [She points out the bathrooms.]

Irvine: What? The bathrooms? What about Ďem?

Ellone: Nobodyís in there now, you know...

Irvine: So?

Ellone: So... [smiling coyly]

Irvine: Um, I donít think that would be such a good idea.

Ellone: Sure it would!

Irvine: Someone might bust in on us!

Ellone: Hopefully!

[She drags Irvine off to the bathrooms.]

Irvine: No, really, Iím tired, I canít take anymore, please, aaaaah!

[They duck into the womenís room. Irvine continues to protest briefly, but is quickly muffled.]

[Exit Ellone and Irvine.]

Zell: Look at that mural!

Rinoa: Very nice. That would make such a good recruitment poster, too. Just put a slogan underneath.

Zell: Yeah.

Rinoa: Do you know who painted it?

Nida: Um, uh, it was, um...

Xu: We did it, actually.

Zell: Cool. You guys did a good job.

Rinoa: The decorations, too?

Nida: No.

Xu: Um, that was somebody else.

Quistis: It was, like, this girl, or something. She like, got in school suspension for bringing a scoped assault rifle to school.

Zell: [Realizing who it is] Oh.

Quistis: Sheís, like, totally psycho, and stuff. Spent all her time in detention, like, making all this stuff. Like, one day! Sheís like sooo on a total sugar rush or something.

Seifer: I suppose it helps ease her mind, and distract her from her predicament.

Rinoa: Does she have her hair pulled into a pigtail?

Quistis: Yeah.

Zell: Hoo boy. Hold on, I need to check something.

Seifer: [ASIDE, to Quistis] There, see? Nobody thinks any less of you. No reason to feel humiliated.

[Zell goes over to the decorations on the wall, and examines them.]

Zell: [Reading] P.G. + Z.D. always and forever... I luv Zell 4ever... geez. This makes me very uncomfortable.

Rinoa: Why donít you have a hot dog? The catering just brought a bunch. Iím telling you, they always relax me. Of course, itís probably because theyíre spiked with something addictive so that people will continue to spend their money on them, but, oh well.

Zell: No.

Rinoa: I dare you.

Zell: No.

Seifer: Chicken-Wuss.

[Everyone looks at him, shocked. Seifer just doesnít say that sort of thing.]

Seifer: Sorry, um, I donít know what came over me. It just felt natural, for some reason.

Rinoa: Yeah, it did, didnít it?

Quistis: That is like sooo trippy.

Edea: [Coming over, with Sid on her arm] Yes, please do. And try the punch. I made it myself.

Sid: I, um, helped too, didnít I?

Edea: No, you were busy changing your own adult diapers.

[Seifer, Zell, Quistis, Rinoa, Nida, Xu, Squall, Selphie, Fujin, and Raijin all laugh at Sid.]

Raijin: [holding a CD] Look what Iíve got.


Raijin: So, when the DJ turns his back, weíll sneak this into his stack.

Fujin: [Laughs.]

[Fujin and Raijin inch their way stealthily over to Laguna.]

Squall: Yo! Turn da music up! I gots ta dance!

Selphie: I donít believe it. This is, actually...Iím actually having a good time. Who knew?

Squall: Told ya! M.C. Griever equals a good time, gizzarunteeizzieed.

Selphie: What?

Squall: Oh, heh, sorry, guaranteed. My bad.

[Laguna begins playing something funky.]

Squall: Yo, letís dance.

Selphie: [awkward] I donít know any moves.

Squall: Just watch, girl!

[Squall begins to breakdance on the floor, by himself.]

[Everyone else looks on in awe.]

Squall: Easy!

Selphie: I canít do that!

Squall: Just try!

[Selphie tries. And, surprisingly enough, is pretty good at it.]

[Everyone looks on in even more awe.]

Rinoa: We should try that, Zell.

Zell: Nah, I, um, tore my ACL in practice this past week.

Rinoa: Oh, come on.

Zell: Iíd rather eat one of the hot dogs. Wait, um, I mean...

Rinoa: A-HA!

[Rinoa drags Zell over to the food table with, yes, hot dogs. She compels Zell to try one.]

Zell: Hmm. Actually, I guess this isnít so bad.

Rinoa: See?

Squall: Damn, girl, you is a natural!

Selphie: [breathing heavily] Wow. That was, really fun. Thanks.

[They wander off.]

Seifer: They really seem to be getting along well.

Quistis: You seem to be, like, still jealous.

Seifer: Sorry, itís just that...

Quistis: I know. Youíd rather be here with her.

Seifer: Iím sorry, I shouldnít.

Quistis: You donít have to apologize. I, like, wanted to go with Squall. But, itís like, he just like doesnít even notice me. Never! Itís so...

Seifer and Quistis: [Simultaneously] Frustrating.

Seifer: Yes, but I shouldnít, because, it doesnít do anyone any good to dwell on the unattainable. Every day, I pray for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think thatís the key. So Squall and Selphie donít feel anything for us. It doesnít do us any good to stand here and dwell on it when we could be having fun.

Quistis: That was, like, deep, and stuff.

Seifer: Well, I have a lot of time to think about these things.

Quistis: Do you think, like, I could learn to do that?

Seifer: Of course! I mean, itís not easy, and I donít always to manage it. But I have to try.

Quistis: You donít worry about what other people think of you?

Seifer: You canít. Otherwise you end up never doing anything for yourself.

Quistis: I never really thought of it that way. Wow, like, I just had, like, an epiphany. Like, if I had been so worried about what other people would think that I didnít go with you to this thing, Iíd be sitting at home being a total loser!

Seifer: Thatís, um, one way of putting it.

[Re-enter Irvine, running, thus interrupting the conversation. His clothes are very disheveled, and are, like his face, adorned with several very obvious lipstick smudges.]

Irvine: [Desperate] HELP ME!

[Re-Enter Ellone.]

Ellone: Thereís my Irvy-poo! [She grabs him by the arm and drags him off to the bathrooms. Again.]

Rinoa: Poor guy.

Raijin: Eh, I think heís enjoying himself more than he lets on.

Fujin: Yeah.

Raijin: The chase is better than the catch, after all.

Fujin: Exactly.

[Laguna changes the music.]

Raijin: Here we go...

[This time, the music is something with a decidedly new-age vibe, like a John Tesh b-side or something. Fujin frowns at Raijin.]

Raijin: Uh...

Fujin: What...

Raijin: Um, I mustíve grabbed the wrong disk.

Fujin: Is...

Raijin: Um, this is, wow, I messed up.

Fujin: This...

Raijin: Sorry, Fu.

Fujin: Crap?

[She kicks him hard in the chin.]

Fujin: IDIOT.

[The music stops.]

Laguna: Oops, heh, sorry folks, wrong disk. I donít know how the hell that got in there. Damn Columbia House membership.

[The whole room laughs knowingly. Except Squall.]

Selphie: Heh. That was pretty funny.

Squall: Whatever.

Selphie: Oh come on, your dadís really entertaining.

Squall: ...Yeah, I guess.

Selphie: Oh, I get it! Heís upstaging you!

Squall: Canít look cool in front of your dad. It be, a rule, and stuff. And I wants to be lookiní fly tonight, because, um, well...

Selphie: [expectantly] Yes?

Squall: Ah, I suck at saying these things. Here.

[He pulls an obvious tiny black felt box out of his pocket and pops it open. A very nice ring is inside.]

Selphie: [gasps] Booyaka!

Quistis: So, like, you keep talking about how youíre looking forward to life after Garden. What are, like, your plans?

Seifer: I donít know. Something big.

Quistis: Good luck.

Seifer: I donít believe in luck. You make your own luck in this world. I donít need good luck; save your wish for someone who needs it.

Quistis: Okay. [Smirking widely] Good luck, Seifer!

[She laughs loudly.]

Seifer: Grrr.

Quistis: Oh, come on, Iím like totally kidding! Youíll do wonderful, Iím sure.

[Re-Enter Irvine, this time not desperate at all. In fact, heís positively strutting.]

Zell: What got into him?

Rinoa: Ellone, apparently. Hi, Irvine, you look like youíve really loosened up.

[Irvine says nothing, but instead grabs Rinoa, dips her, and looks amorously into her eyes. He blows a kiss but doesnít actually make contact. And moves on.]

Zell: Hey!

Irvine: This night has opened my eyes. No holding back now. [He throws his arm around Quistis.] Right, Quisty?

Seifer: Back off. [Very angry, and his hands balling up into fists.]

Irvine: Hey man, just being friendly.

Rinoa: [Wide-Eyed] Well, HEíS certainly changed.

Seifer: We all have, it seems.

Quistis: Itís strange, too, how natural it all feels.

Edea: Yes...

[Edea exits nervously, with Cid.]

Irvine: Hey, Matron, come on! Eh, I must make her feel all nervous and fluttery inside.

[Laguna begins playing ďEyes on MeĒ.]

Selphie: I love this song! Your dad Sir Laguna is sooo cool! Letís dance.

Squall: I donít really groove to this stuff.

Selphie: Come on! Iíll lead.

[Everybody begins to slow dance. The ice sculptures slowly begin to melt under the assault of artificial lighting and teenage hormones.]

[And everybody danced the night away.]

[Fade Out.]

SCENE 32: This Sucks

[Kiros and Ward-Head are sitting on the couch, watching the Garden Festival unfold on television.]

Ward-Head: Uh...this sure got stupid all of a sudden.

Kiros: Yeah.

Ward-Head: Everyoneís, like, doing all this wussy stuff.

Kiros: Yeah. Itís like, at first, there was all this good stuff, and then, everything sucked!

Ward-Head: Huh huh, huh huh, yeah.

Kiros: Itís like, they had that chick, with the gun, and she couldíve shot that other chick. Thatíd be cool. Heh heh. Heh heh.

Ward-Head: Huh huh, huh huh, guns are cool. Huh huh, huh huh.

Kiros: Heh heh, heh heh, yeah. Heh heh. Guns are cool. And fire. Fire! Heh heh, heh heh.

Ward-Head: She shouldíve, like, shot all the wussy people, and then set them on fire. Huh huh, huh huh.

Kiros: Yeah! Heh heh, heh heh.

Ward-Head: Huh huh, and then, like, her boobs shouldíve like, popped out of her shirt. Huh huh, huh huh, Then it would be, like, the coolest video ever.

Kiros: Heh heh, heh heh, yeah. Then they couldíve caught on fire. Fire! Fire! Fire! FIRE! Hehehehehehehehehe, FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

Ward-Head: Uh, huh huh, settle down, Kiros.

Kiros: FIRE! FIRE!

[Ward-Head smacks Kiros upside the head with the remote control.]

Ward-Head: Cut it out, butt-munch.

Kiros: Damn it, bunghole, that hurt.

Ward-Head: Huh huh, huh huh, dumbass.

Kiros: That hurt as much as watching this video sucks.

Ward-Head: Huh huh, huh huh, this video really sucks.

Kiros: Yeah. Change it.

[Ward-Head presses a button, and changes the channel.]



[The Garden Festival ballroom. The music has stopped. Laguna, Squall and Selphie, Seifer and Quistis, Zell and Rinoa, Irvine and Ellone, Fujin and Raijin, Nida and Xu, are all laying sprawled out on the floor, wide-eyed and motionless, still clutching their punch glasses. They are dead. Headmaster Sid is also laying on the floor, dead.]

[Only Edea remains standing, and she has a wicked, triumphant smile on her face.]

Edea: [multi-toned and evil] Fools! Did you really think you could get rid of us so easily? We simply lured you all into a false sense of security. Now, at last, our vengeance is complete. For we are Ultimecia, and time compression will be ours!

[Edea, clearly still possessed by at least one of the evil spirits, cackles malevolently. Evil has triumphed.]

[See? I told you it was a tragedy.]

[Edea begins to sing the Christina Aguilerra song ďDirrtyĒ A Capella.]

[Exeunt Omnes.]

DVD VERSION [Recommended Retail Price $19.95 {U.S.}] BONUS FEATURE: Scene Title Quiz

Okay, most of the titles to most of the scenes are thinly veiled pop culture references, most of which are either song lyrics or titles. To test your knowledge of the trivial, Iíve come up with this little checklist/quiz type thingy. Test yourself. If you want to, that is.

Scene 1: commercial reference [name product advertised]
Scene 2: song title reference [name the artist]
Scene 3: song lyric reference [name artist and title of song]
Scene 4: movie reference [name full title of movie]
Scene 5: movie reference [name full title of movie]
Scene 6: song lyric reference [name artist; title optional, as even Iím not sure of the official title of this song]
Scene 7: song lyric reference [name title and artist]
Scene 8: song lyric reference [name title and artist]
Scene 9: song title reference [name artist. HINT: this is VERY obscure]
Scene 10: A direct reference to Final Fantasy 8; this oneís a FREEBIE.
Scene 11: This one isnít a reference to anything; again, a FREEBIE.
Scene 12: Foreign language class reference [These phrases both translate to ďWhere is the Library?Ē in English; a clichť phrase that everybody seems to learn and is about the only thing anybody ever remembers from foreign language classes. For full credit, name both languages featured here. Youíll get half a point if you only name one.]
Scene 13: Not a reference to anything; just me being [allegedly] witty. FREEBIE.
Scene 14: Movie Title reference [name the film company that released this film]
Scene 15: Movie Title reference [name the title of this film. Name the star of the film for one point of extra credit.]
Scene 16: Not a reference to anything, Iím just being silly again. FREEBIE.
Scene 17: Television show reference [name title of TV show. HINT: Itís a British comedy series from the 80ís.]
Scene 18: Song lyric reference [name title and artist.]
Scene 19: Cancelled ABC sitcom reference [name the real title of this show.]
Scene 20: Just me being ďoriginalĒ again. FREEBIE.
Scene 21: song lyric reference [name title and artist.]
Scene 22: literature reference [name the real title of the book. You can pick up an extra credit point for naming the author.]
Scene 23: song lyric reference [name artist. I donít know the official title, so I canít demand it of you. 8-D]
Scene 24: movie reference [name the title of the film in question.]
Scene 25: This is a common clichť used all the time. FREEBIE.
Scene 26: song title reference [name artist. Get extra credit if you name both the original artist AND at least one artist who covered this song.]
Scene 27: Just me being ďwittyĒ and ďoriginalĒ again. FREEBIE.
Scene 28: Old TV show from before I was born reference [name title of show. Get extra credit for naming the star.]
Scene 29: Direct reference to Final Fantasy 8. FREEBIE
Scene 30: Direct reference to Scene 29. FREEBIE
Scene 31: Two direct references to Final Fantasy. FREEBIE
Scene 32: TV show reference [name title of show. HINT: if you read the scene, this is insultingly easy.]

Total Score Possible: 22, plus 4 possible extra credit points.

Scene 1: Budweiser, and the series of ďwassup!Ē commercials that started out funny but quickly became irritating.
Scene 2: The Smiths.
Scene 3: ďThe EndĒ by The Doors.
Scene 4: Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Scene 5: Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back [a.k.a. episode 5, I guess.]
Scene 6: Frank Zappa. I think the title is ďValley GirlĒ
Scene 7: The Ramones ďSheena Is A Punk RockerĒ
Scene 8: R.E.M. ďEverybody HurtsĒ
Scene 9: The Pharcyde.
Scene 12: Spanish and German.
Scene 14: Disney
Scene 15: Dead Poetís Society, starring Robin Williams.
Scene 17: The Black Adder [Starring Rowan Atkinson. Heís so funny. I love this show, and have all 4 seasons on DVD.]
Scene 18: The Beatles ďHelpĒ
Scene 19: Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place. I never watched this show, but I heard it was absolute crap.
Scene 21: Santana ďBlack Magic WomanĒ
Scene 22: The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck
Scene 23: The Jackson 5. I think the songís ďA B C 1 2 3Ē but, of course, Iím not sure.]
Scene 24: Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Scene 26: ďBizarre Love TriangleĒ was originally performed by New Order, and was covered in the mid 90ís by a group called Frente! (yes, the exclamation point was part of their name. Oh those wacky Australians...]
Scene 28: Hawaii 5-0, starring Jack Lord, whose character often uttered that phrase. It was like his catchphrase or something.
Scene 32: Beavis and Butt-head, of course.


Scene 27 and-a-half: The Exorcist?

[[NOTE: This scene was so gritty and raw in its intensity and artistic profundity, and just so gut-wrenching and powerful, that it just couldnít be included in the script proper for fear of overpowering the rest of the play with its sheer artistic intensity, integrity, and brilliance. But, for you, the dedicated fan [who was willing to part with a bunch of money for this Special DVD Platinum Collectorís version and thus build up my future childís college fund], we have included it. Be careful, this is epic and intense stuff. You might want to sit down, and probably not eat anything soon before exposing yourself to this. Also, if you have a heart condition, you might want to take precautions to make sure somebody can rush you to the hospital or give you your pills in the case of your being just overwhelmed by the might of this powerful, deep, scene. But you deserve it. Because you spent a bunch of money on this.]]

[Headmaster Sid, with a large wet patch in the crotch of his pants, is standing nervously at his desk. Laguna is standing next to him.]

Sid: I think my wife has been possessed by evil spirits. I called you in here because I thought you might know how to perform an exorcism. Do you?

Laguna: Yeah.

Sid: Would you do it?

Laguna: Okay.

Sid: Thank you.

Laguna: Youíre welcome.

[Fade Out.]


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