Progress Quest: Ye Olde Fic Parte II
Chapter 11: And Then Things Got Stupid Again!
And so our heroes and heroines did reach the slightly fabled village of , being much tired and out of energy and healing items.
"Strewth, for I could use a drink," Demi did declare, and wander off in search of a tavern. For taverns sold drinks. Y'know.
"Then we three shall seek the anti-Bacon items!" Mabat did tell Jeff and Weiila in a loud and cheery voice, for those dark forests were awful depressing.
"Aye! But where should we find such items?" Jeff did ponder.
"Why, in yonder Ye Olde Item Shoppe!" Mabat did say, gesturing at yonder shop, just ahead of them.
"What luck," Weiila did say. "So let us collect these items and go, for eveyrone in this town appears to be brainwashed!"
And they looked around, and found that it was so.
And Mabat did hit a random passer-by on the head with his hammer. "Villager! Why are you all wandering around looking brainwashed?"
And the villager did reply, after being put back on his feet, being slapped back into consciousness and having the question repeated; "Verily! For a dreaded force has brainwashed the village and turned everyone into cultists in stupid robes and masks, serving
Thanatos some evil person who is not in any way connected with Secret of Mana in the temple just to this village's east! Now please don't hit me again!"
"Ee 'ek! Then we must save yonder villagers, so that we can buy anti-bacon elements from them!" Weiila said.
"Why can't we just steal the stuff while no-one's here?" Jeff asked, and Weiila did smite him slightly.
"Silence, foolish boy! We cannot buy items without first talking to the shopkeeper! Does thou know nothing?"
"But that's just a stupid-"
"I SAID SILENCE!"
"Let us go now, and rescue the villagers!" mabat did declare quickly. So they did.
Two hours, several floors-worth of dungeon, one boss character, some bad dialogue and a contrived plot revelation later...
"My, that was fun!" Weiila did declare hours later. "Who would have ever guessed that Bacon Elementals would be weak against Flamethrowers?
Or that Jeff's mother is a magical tree?"
"Everyone, I should have thought."
"ANYWAY, where be Demigod, we need to buy many Flamethrowers!" Mabat did say.
"Aha!" said Demigod, turning the corner. "Hast thou discovered the weakness of the Bacon Elementals, solved the mystery of the brainwashed villagers, and discovered something about one of you that is really obvious to everyone except the character themselves?"
"Yes, yes, and sort of," Mabat did declare with much woe.
"Then! To the shops!" Jeff did cry.
Ten seconds later, in a shop.
"Four of your finest Flamethrowers, shopkeep!" Mabat did declare.
"Aye, although this shop has only one room with obviously no equipment or goods contained in it, here are your Flamethrowers! That will be 5000 pieces of Unspecified Currency!"
"Blast, for we have only 4999 pieces of UC!" He did turn. "Jeff! Go and kill a random monster and steal it's wallet!"
One short spell of monster-slaughter later...
"There!" Jeff did say, whilst trying to put his teeth back in.
"Now, our Flamethrowers, good man!" Weiila did say, and the shopkeeper did hand them his Throwers of Flame.
"Splendid! Now, to the Great Cliffs, and the rescue of the King!" Mabat did declare.
"Actually," Weiila did say, "why not stay here and rest for a few days? Tis a well-known phenomenomenomena that main events never happen until the heroes are present."
"A good idea!" Mabat did say.
So they fell asleep in the inn, and the little men in robes from Golden Axe stole all of their magic books.
End of chapter 5
Next time on Progress Quest! Will the heroes finally reach the cliffs? Will Mabat and/or the others discover what silly thread of fate brought them together? Will I stop making ironic refernces to old SNES and MegaDrive games?
Michael Parkinson me, and you've been a great psychotic audience! :P
Chapter 12: Short, Because Of The College
"Must we climb those!?" Jeff did cry, staring up at the cliffs.
"Haven't you been reading a single word that's been written?" Weiila did ask in Exasperation. "Look at yonder caves!"
And Jeff looked at yonder caves, and was relieved. "I am relieved!"
And Mabat did draw his big Flamethrower. "Onwards! To the Bacon Elementals! May our holy Falemthrowers smite their porkish evil ways!"
And so they did walk into the caves, flaming the walls, the ceilings, the floor, the local fauna, the ants, and the water. Of Bacon Elementals however, there was no sign.
"Well, that sucks," Demigod did declare. "And us all psyched up for a fight as well."
"They must be hiding deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep within the cave!" Jeff did cry. "We must charge recklessly into it without taking the time to think about the consequences!"
And he did.
"Idiot boy!" Mabat did may, and did charge after him into the cave, followed by Demi and Weiila.
"Why does this kind of stupid thing always happen?"
And so the heroes went deeper into the cave after Jeff to find the missing king, and they did meet many small annoying bat-like creatures on the way who annoyed them.
"Hurry, for we must use our flamethrowers!" Mabat said.
"Yes, for they are the tools of destruction!" Demi did agree.
And so they did, and when the bats were highly toasted they cheered.
And before long they did find Jeff, hanging from the ceiling, with a rope around his foot, and his arms crossed in much annoyance, and a pile of armour beneath him.
"Hark, for Jeff has been ensnared in yonder trap that only an idiot would fall for!" Demigid did scoff, cutting Jeff down with his daggers.
"But it's shiny..." Jeff did say, and picked up the armour. "Shiny..." And he did put on the nice and shiny armour, for it was all metal and chiny.
"Nice, but can we concentrate on the task at hand?" Weiila asked. "Time and the world are relying on us."
And so they did trudge on in search of the King, until suddenly...
End of chapter 13
Next time on Progress Quest! Will they finally find the King? Will I write a longer chapter? Will something interesting and/or exciting finally appear?
Not today mate! LOLZ!
Chapter 13: Lost King, Found
End of chapter 13
Next time on Progress Quest! Will the heroes rescue the king from the bacon elementals ah screw it I can't be bothered writing properly just now damned college slavedrivers ujoghiuo sjnlvbnlvabndviolvadvibqq[pjnob kbu
Chapter 14: Information!
"Because I said no. You'll walk like everyone else."
"But I am thine King!"
"You're not my king," Weiila did quoth tiredly. "Now shut thy mouth, lest adders fill it and bite your tongue until it's all red and swollen and aches a lot."
And the king, hearing her words, was silent.
"Verily sire, teh Kingz0r, what are thine now freshly-roasted Bacon Elementals keeping you here for?" Mabat did ask as they walked from the grave and gloomy cliffs into the slightly less grave and gloomy fields yonder.
"Alas! mine knowledge of the future woes and strifes to come in these lands, at the hands of the dreaded Lunar Lord of Lunar Things. I alone know the prophecy that tells of how to defeat him, and thus he set his finest Bacon, to trap me."
"And what is the prophecy?" Demigod did ask.
"Well, mine loyal and true servant who didnt bring these warriors to these cliffs to rescue me (good job BTW), I shall tell ye of three brave warriors and their watcher, who will meet the Lord on fields of fire and steel andwill smite him mightily with weapons forged from holy fire and shields of holy... er... water."
And the four rescuers didst look at each other.
"Three warriors? And a watcher?" Weiila did ask sceptically.
"Aye, tis right."
And Mabat and Weiila and Demi didst look at Jeff, and then at each other.
"Nah," quoth Mabat.
"No way," quoth Demigod.
"Not a chance," quoth Jeff. "Wait, what was the question?"
And Jeff was smoten by the annoyed.
"Then, tis obvious we must seek out the last warrior!" Mabat did say with great volume.
"But there will be many obstacles in thine way! Ye will face to face the Guardian of the Bridge, Zeero, whose very stance is enough to send you to-"
"Aye, but also beware the Shadow that moves when-"
"Met him as well."
"Look, are you going to do this properly?"
"...Okay. Then we must depart on this quest! Even though we're still not entirely sure what it is we have to do! We small smite this Lunar Lord of Lun- ahforgetit, this Lunaris, and we shall be heroes, just for one day!" Mabat did say.
"You are brave souls, but beware, for if you are not careful..."
And they were puzzled, for he said one thing and another was heard.
And Jess did cry; "AHA! For we shall continue on through snow or hail or sleet or rains of mackeral! For we are not afraid!"
"Excellent! You must find your last travelling companion, who I have no doubt you'll meet even if you don't try really hard to look for him, and then you must travel west to the Lao Zhe Border, where a small-ish army sits on the border itself to repel the attacks of the Lunar Lord from his lands there. They will help you in your non-specific quest!"
"Good," Weiila did answer. "Now, King, we must leave you at this village, which by amazing coincidence we have just reached. Good day to you!"
And so they did leave the King in the village, where he was burned to death for being an idiot.
"Well, I think that went well," Mabat did say as they walked through fields and grass to the west.
"You left the flamethrowers in the cliffs," Demigod replied.
And there was much gnashing of teeth and moans, and Mabat was smoten.
And from on high the gods did look down on the four, and saw that it was good. Well, most of it. A little bit, certainly. They thought it wasn't a total diaster yet.
End of chapter 14
Next time on Progress Quest! Will the group get to their destination without any hassle?
Will their destiny unfold as the final warrior join them? What will Jeff do next to be smoten?
Lots of stuff