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Can You Repeat What You Just Called Yourself?

Meet Crystal Tempest; Leopard hybrid, Sorceress, Ruler of the Crystal Universe, Empress of Insanity, Queen of the Cats.

She deserves death for that alone.

[u]PPC 5[/u]

They had only just landed on the floor of the lab when.


“I thwear it does thith to uth on purpose. What do we have?” Tyler asked tiredly.

Kirsten slammed the Baka Mallet down on the table and strode to the monitor, pissed as hell. She sighed. “Just came in, one chapter, a ‘retelling of the story’ apparently.” She turned. “ Let’s just get it over with."

She hadn’t even had time to close the portal from the journey back, and jumped through quickly. Tyler followed. They landed in Spira after a few seconds of portal-twiddling when Kirsten realised she still had it set to Northern Crater.

“Never do that again,” Tyler said quietly, rubbing his backside after landing on it heavily.

Kirsten didn’t speak, but grabbed him and dragged him behind the random boulder just to the left of them. There were always random large objects to hide behind in FF Continua. It must be a plot, like these fics that are making Pierson write about them one after the other-


Tyler spun around. “Christ, what the hell was that?” he exclaimed.

Kirsten ignored it. “The forth wall fell down again. Ignore it.”

Tyler turned back, and recognised their location. They were standing behind the Temple at Besaid, watching Yuna about o summon Valefor for the first time. Of course, things like this never go to plan when a Sue gets busy. Instead of the aeon appearing, a portal opened in the middle of the square.

“AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Crystal screamed as the ground came closer, “Ray Wing!”

Her spell took her safely to the ground.

“I-Is it an aeon?” voices whispered around her.

Crystal looked around, and saw people standing in a ring around her, and beside her, a girl where standing.

“I’m gonna call you Valefor.” The girl said, patting Crystal’s blonde hair.

Something inside Crystal snapped.

“Her spine? Let it be her spine,” Tyler whispered.

“Look girl! I already have a name! And I’m no pet!” Crystal said angrily.

“It talks!” a murmur flew through the crowd.

“Well, Of course I talk!” Crystal snapped towards the man that had said it.

“Don’t be angry with him, we didn’t know aeons could talk.” The girl said.

“Don’t go and give me orders mortal! And I’m sure as hell no frickin’ aeon!” Crystal hissed.

“But if not, what and who are you?” the girl’s eyes widened.

“I’m a leopard hybrid, sorceress, ruler of the crystal universe, empress of insanity, queen of the cats, I’m Crystal!” Crystal said proudly.

Tyler and Kirsten looked at each other in bemusement.

“A leopard-“


“So was the mother the leopard, or the- actually I don’t think I want to know.”

“Indeed. Watch, then kill.”

“Erm, you must be powerful?” the girl said.

“Of course I’m powerful! And right about now I’m feeling like Giga Slaving this world to Hellmaster Phibrizzo!” Crystal growled.

“That’s bad?” the girl clutched her staff.

“No, I would probably just make the whole world go Boom! And it would be dragged into the sun as the little bits that will be left!” Crystal said, sarcasm so thick you could touch it.

Tyler reached up and grabbed some sarcasm. It was grey and sticky. “Obviously she used too much,” he commented sarcastically.

“Put that down, it’s making you sarcastic,” Kirsten said in annoyance, and dragged her attention back to the hybrid sorceress ruler-ess etc etc etc…

“I’d quite like to see her make the world go Boom. Does Gaia even have a mouth?”

“A cliff maybe, like the one I’m gonna throw her into. Jebus, talk about putting on airs…”

“Um, could you please refrain from doing that?” the girl’s two-coloured eyes looked worried.

But Crystal didn’t listen, because her nose had picked up something interesting.

“Um hello?” the girl asked.

“Magic!” Crystal squealed, making everyone jump.

She ran towards a big building, but saw that the doors where closed.

“Evil, you wanna keep Crystal from magic!” Crystal hissed at them.

She backed away a bit, “Source of all power, crimson fire burning bright, gather in my hand and become my strength,”

“So even Yuna isn’t scared of this supposed Empress of Insanity? The authoress must have forgotten that people are supposed to fear dark lords/lordettes," Tyler commented.

“She goes into the temple, we grab her, we don’t subject others to the rest of the chapter, especially not the part where she does a crossover with Slayers and Yuna still not being terrified, even after Crystal blows up seemingly all of the Temple.”

“Suits me fine.”

“Fireball!!!” Crystal’s fireball blew away the doors, and some of the walls around, plus starting a fire.

Crystal soon returned to her normal happy stage, bouncing happily inside.

“Somewhere in the world, somewhere in the dark, I can hear the magic call my name!” the scorched humans sweat-dropped after the singing hybrid-

Crystal was suddenly yanked sideways against a wall and found a blade pressed against her cheek, and a short-ish woman staring balefully at her. She was talking silently to herself.

“Anime sweatdrops? In a game? That does it.”

Crystal was annoyed. “Let me go, mortal, for I am OWW!”

Tyler had come up behind her and clubbed her on the back of the head with his sword. “We know, we heard you outside, you weird cross-species hippy sorceress.”

Kirsten smiled sweetly. “Crystal Tempest, you are charged with being a Mary Sue above all, being a species no-one in their sane mind would normally consider, raping the personality of Yuna, and being an idiot. How do you plead?”


“Well, it doesn’t actually matter, so have a nice trip.” She clubbed her. Hard.

Tyler stared down. “What do we do with her?”

Kirsten looked thoughtful for a second, and then her eyes lit up. “I have an idea. Or rather, someone else might...”


Crystal came to in a strange room completely white. She tried to stand, but then suddenly something was gripping her around the throat.

“Ok, she’s awake. Don’t kill her yet.”

Her vision recovered and she found herself staring at the woman who had clubbed her earlier and a man. Both were glaring at her and smiling slightly. She snarled and made to move forward, but suddenly something was choking her, and she stood back.

“Thanks for the suggestion. We were running out of original ideas,” Kirsten said.

Weiila smiled. “No problem. May I?”

“The pleasure,” Tyler said, “would be all ours.”

Crystal turned to stare at this ‘Weiila’, and the RPGC Mod tightened her grip on the whip, twisting as she did so. Crystals eyes went wide in shock and loss of oxygen, and then Weiila panted her boot firmly in her stomach. The Sue fell backwards, and didn’t stop at ground level, but carried on falling, right into the pit.

Tyler looked across the lab at the man in the clear glass box above the pit, and gave him a thumbs-up. Hojo grinned evilly and then gestured at a lab assistant, who pressed a single button.

Crystal got to her feet looked around as something growled behind her, and a door in the side of the pit started to slide upwards. She got one glance at what was inside-

“Do they usually scream this much?” Weiila asked.

Kirsten shrugged. “Only when they’re still alive. Hojo seemed pretty pleased to have new test subjects,” she raised her voice as the screams were replaced by gaps and the sound of teeth ripping into flesh, “we probably shouldn’t have got him a Mini-Balrog as a birthday gift though…” She brought the portal-opening-thingy out of her pocket and flicked it, the black oily surface shimmering as it formed in front of them. Kirsten gestured politely, and Weiila jumped through. Kirsten twiddled with something else, and it rippled slightly, and they jumped through, hitting the floor of the Response Centre.

She collapsed back into her chair. “That,” she said tiredly, “was the stupidest Sue-made character title I have ever heard.”

“It’th a Thue. What are you ecthpecting? Kirthten? Kirthten?”

She was asleep again. Tyler sighed, and rummaged around the floor for his pack of cards. The sooner they changed him back to human the better. He could deal with the increased intelligence, but the no-sleep rule was starting to wear thin.

So Hojo IS good for something after all? Set state="shock!"

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