So I Pulled
by Ersatz Sobriquet
do you own the world?!
do you own disorder, disorder?!
System of a Down- Toxicity
I stared at the piece of
paper long and hard. I didn't want to believe. I knew it couldn’t be true. But
that's what it said. I searched for typos as I scanned the page over and over
again, hoping to make it seem wrong in some way. But what it said was true. And
she was gone. The one person that I can ever remember loving me was gone.
It was all his fault and I
knew it. I tried and tried to be the best SeeD I could be, but look where it
got me. She didn't have to go like that. They trained me to protect people. So
why couldn't I protect her? I should have. But I didn't and this is what
Protect and serve. Serve
and protect. That's what we do. And we do it for a price. It's usually gil. But
occasionally it's life. But it’s never ours. Never. That’s too easy of a
scapegoat. No, it’s everyone else. And this life we pay for doesn’t faze
anyone. It doesn’t make so much as dent in our lives. SeeDs lives. That’s not
normal. It doesn’t even become human anymore. To lose apart of your humanity
all in the pursuit of justice makes you no better than those that you kill. And
for it to lead up to that is worse than killing itself.
It was a hard week for
everyone in Balamb Garden. The new assignments were pouring in and there
weren’t nearly enough SeeD’s to fill them all in. There shouldn’t have been
this many missions to go on, especially after the death of Ultimecia. But
violence is forever in this world, and the SeeD’s help was needed.
Squall sat behind his desk
and continued to go through the papers, trying to figure out a way to bring the
Garden more money. Even with all the missions that were being conducted and
with the money brought in from each, the Garden was still in a slump. They
needed money. Badly. And Squall didn’t know how to achieve that goal.
He wondered how Headmaster
Cid was able to fund the Garden all those years without seemingly a hitch the
whole while. Maybe he dug into his own pockets half the time. Made up for any
losses. But, he didn’t know. Scolded himself many times for not receiving more
instruction about this type of thing from Headmaster Cid before he left him in
Squall hated to feel like
he was doing an average job. He never did anything in average fashion. He was
the best. He knew it and so did everyone else. And that became expectant of
him. To be the best that he could be. If he couldn’t do something as well as he
knew he could, then he would give up. But he just couldn’t “give up” on this
assignment. Headmaster Cid wouldn’t have left this in his hands if he didn’t
think he’d be capable of handling the situation. So he just stuck it out and
tried to deal with all the problems the best way he could.
As he sat there ‘mongst the
papers, trying to sort everything out, the reports from the last few missions
came in. The candidate left them on the sofa per Squall’s request and hurriedly
left the room. The candidate didn’t feel worthy at all in being in the presence
of such a honored man. Another thing that troubled Squall was things like that.
What the young candidate just did. Feared him some because he thought he wasn’t
worthy to be near someone who “slay the evil witch”. But he was no different
than any of the other SeeD’s and wished they could see that as well.
Sighing, Squall went over
to the sofa and sat down, trying to feel more relaxed than he had been. That
desk and chair was so formal. So official. He wasn’t really feeling like being
in an official mood that day, though. Not that he ever feels like being in an
He picked the papers up and started thumbing through them.
Mission Report #2338
Mission: Secure threat in Dollet
Success Rate: High
Tremp McDowell: Returned, no injuries
Regnis Finner: Returned, minor bruises on left arm.
Gil Received: 500
500 gil? Squall thought. He shook his head slightly. This was
why SeeD was always in such a slump, hurting for cash. He read on, though.
Mission Report #2336
Mission: Escort Senator Flemmingway to Esther
Success Rate: High
Joseph Kane: Returned, no injuries
Michael Junno: Returned, no injuries
Gil Received: 2050
The reports like that
continued on until he came to one that was a bit disturbing. A bit shocking.
Mission Report #2893
Mission: Apprehend Escaped Convict Assumed to be in Balamb
Success Rate: High
Yinne Tang: Returned, no injuries
Richard Lardly: Returned, no injuries
Gil Received: 1500
Notes: Three (3) civilian casualties resulted as SeeD
members tried to apprehend the criminal. Criminal killed the following people
And then the list of names,
with one of the names standing out more so than all the others. Squall closed
his eyes. No. Hyne, no... No.
He looked back at the paper
as the name refused to change. “Dincht.” he whispered.
I knew it to be around
there somewhere. That was where he usually kept all his lovelies. He prided
them and cherished them. And why wouldn't he? They are a sight to behold.
It took me a while, but
there they rested some. Leaning against the wall in his closet, a rather
unsuitable place to place them. Thought that they would be displayed the very
least on his walls, but they were dust free, shinning some even.
I heard a voice from behind
call my name. I didn't think that he would actually show up here. I turned and
saw him smiling, saying something. I don't really remember what it was too
well, but he didn't suspect anything. Didn't matter, though.
I went to him and let him have
it real good in the stomach and he reeled to the floor in shock that I did it.
I don't know why, though. Considering what happened. Considering what I lost...
That's when the music came
surging up within the innermost workings of my mind. Loud, intrusive music,
that song. It wouldn't go away and my anger seemed to intensify all the while.
I needed a release... and looky who was in front of me.
I kicked him in the side
and then tossed him across the room. He smashed into the mirror that lay
opposite of us. I walked over and began swinging, his face rocking back and
forth without control as I didn't let up. I did it until he was gone. Until he
Relief Effort #1:
I had to do it, you see?
They can’t just go around thinking that their twisted ideas of heroism was fine
and dandy. They weren't heroes. They were the villains. But I don’t really
blame them. They were programmed to think this way.
I walked to the closet and
gathered the lovely in my arms. It was heavy, that's for sure, but it was full.
Ready to be released from it's burden. It was necessary I do this thing, you
No one else will.
“Did you hear?” Rinoa asked
Selphie as she sat down with a plate full of food.
Selphie looked and realized
Rinoa was talking to her and swallowed the food in her mouth before replying.
“About Zell?” she began. Noting Rinoa’s nod, she continued, “Yeah. It kinda
caught me off guard, you know? I like Zell a lot and I don’t know how this is
gonna effect him.”
Rinoa agreed. “I don’t like
to see him when he’s sad. Never looked right on him. So used to seeing that
smile.” She stopped and started swirling around her applesauce in her plastic
bowl. “Remember that last party that you threw Selp? The hotdog eating contest
Selphie nodded. “His mouth was so full of hotdogs, I knew he was gonna win!”
She smiled some as that night continued to play back in her mind. It was a
little over two weeks ago when she threw the party. She realized the students
were in a pretty bad shape, what with finals and more and more missions pouring
in. After talking to Squall, it was agreed that a party like that would boost
the morale some. Even though Zell was so happy that night, winning the contest
and eating good food, his happiness was short lived.
“Can I talk to you for a
minute, Selp?” Zell had asked her, motioning her to follow him outside the
party. She complied and they began walking on the deck of Balamb Garden,
overlooking the northern sea as the Garden glided along the currents. The night
was starry and the air was crisp, being the perfect moment Zell could think to
Zell walked a few paces and
stopped, looking out into the sea gathering up inner courage to do the thing he
was about to do. Selphie stopped with him and waited for a few moments before
she realized that Zell hadn’t said anything. Looking at him, she asked, “Uh,
Zell? You wanted to talk to me?”
“Oh, yeah! Heh. Yeah,
Selp.” Zell started. Stalling wasn’t his forte, and neither was doing a hard
thing like this. He knew his feelings for her weren’t going to wane anytime
soon. He tried, oh only Hyne knows how hard he’s tried to leave these feelings
of her at the doorstop of his heart. But they wouldn’t agree to such terms.
They wouldn’t ever and he might as well do it. Ask her. What’s the worst
she could say? A question from inside him asked.
She might laugh in my
face. He answered himself.
So she laughs in your
face. You gave it your best shot and then you move on. Simple as that. What are
you, some sort of chicken wuss?
The voice inside questioned.
That’s not funny.
Who’s laughing? It asked
Zell wanted to ask her this
for a while coming now. Wanted only for Selphie to be his. But he didn’t want
to look stupid too. He knew about Irvine’s interest in her. And why some smooth
lady killer like him would want Selphie, silly as she was confused even Zell.
So he went and asked him. Asked Irvine what the deal was with him and Selphie.
Nothing, was his reply. That took Zell for a shock, almost
certain that those two would be together, or thinking of it, but this did
afford him a nice opportunity. A chance to be with the one that kept him up
countless of nights. The only one he worried about when she went out for away
missions, hoping she wouldn’t be on the causality list.
Selphie. What a beautiful name. A beautiful woman. Selphie.
“Zell?” Selphie said,
placing a hand on his shoulder. Waking him up from his thoughts, Zell looked at
her again, smiling as usual. “You wanted to talk to me, Zell. C’mon, we’re
missing the party!”
Selphie. Oblivious to what he wanted to ask her.
He didn’t know how to ask
her. So he would just say whatever thoughts managed to ram through his psyche.
“Selphie. I. I really want
you to know that.” Zell began, barely looking into her eyes. “Well, you’ve been
the only one that I’ve felt comfortable around. The only one that seemed to
know me. About who I am and stuff.”
Stuff? Why did I say
Continuing on, fiddling
with his hands, he said, “What I’m trying to say is that I really like you.
And, I’d like you to be my girlfriend.”
There! I said it. It was inanely cheesy, but I said it!
And Selphie just stood
there, a bit shocked at what Zell just asked her. Didn’t he know? Didn’t the
whole Garden know?
Selphie’s mouth hanged for
a while as the thoughts and implications of what Zell was confessing began to
sink in. Sure she always “felt” like there was a connection between the two of
them, but she didn’t think Zell would ever ask her. Ever confide in her the way
he just did.
Because she thought this would be an impossible thing… she went with her second
“I’m… I’m sorry, Zell.”
Selphie started, now unable to look him in the eyes. “But, Irvine
already asked me… to be with him.” And she just left it at that.
Zell was so confused. So
unsure of what was just going on.
What’s up with you and
That’s what he asked.
That’s what he replied. He clearly said that nothing was going on… So why did he
go and ask her? Why isn’t she with him now? It didn’t make sense, and now he
felt like a fool.
They both stood there, the
ground proving to be more bearable to look at at the time. Selphie wanted to
tell him that she did like him a lot, though. That he would have been her first
pick if he asked sooner. But, what kind of consolation would that be?
It felt like hours if it was only a few minutes as they stood there, both
unsure of what to say next.
You’re a idiot, ya know?
That voice told Zell. Chicken wuss
Zell mumbled out, “Oh, I
see. Well. Sorry to bother you. You know, pull you away from the party like
that.” He started scratching the back of his head, as the ground continued to
be of high entertainment value. “I’ll let you get back to that party.”
She didn’t like these kinds
of situations. These kinds of confrontations. “Don’t feel bad, Zell. I really…”
she started before she was cut off.
“No, don’t worry about it!”
Zell smiled, finally looking up. “Don’t worry about it, Selp. I just. Ya know?
It’s nothing.” The smile was so painful to hold, so difficult.
Selphie too, struggled to
hold her smile.
“Let’s get back to that
party, Selphie.” Zell said as they started back to the party.
That was probably the start
of it all. The start of Zell’s utter lack for, well, zeal. For enjoyment in
life. He changed a lot since that day, and no one really knew what the reason
was. Well, a few people did.
Selphie just stared at her
food as she couldn’t help but think that she was the reason Zell was going
through his stage. Rinoa examined Selphie’s features and sensed what was going
through her mind.
“Your thinking about it
again, aren’t you?” she asked.
Rinoa was the only other
person Selphie told about that night. Well, her and Quistis. Irvine might do
something silly if he found out. Squall would probably blankly stare as he
realized that she told him that to comfort her. Any other student would have
gossiped about the matter, which was not what was needed at the time.
She only nodded to her
question, though. First she breaks Zell’s heart and now this. This news. She
didn’t know what this would do to him.
“I never thought Zell could
ever be depressed over anything.” Selphie started, staring at her fork and then
off into the lunchroom. “It just. It just never seemed to be his emotion, ya
know? For him to be depressed. Like he could never experience it. Anything at
all depressing, ya know? He would get mad whenever Seifer would tease him, but
Rinoa smiled while Selphie
still held her long face.
“He tries to hide it, but I
can tell. You can, too, right?” she looked up, noting her nod in agreement. “I
should have never said yes to Irvine. I should have waited for him. However
long it would have taken.” She spoke. Sighing, she looked back at Rinoa, still
eating her food without qualms. “Do you think he’s gonna do anything… I don’t
know, stupid when he finds out? Like quit Garden altogether?”
Rinoa looked surprised when
she said that. “Why would he do something like that?”
“I dunno. Students have
been saying stuff like Zell thinks the Garden is all wrong and stuff like that.
Like he wasn’t meant to be apart of it or something.”
Rinoa still looked shocked.
“He has? Since when?”
”A little after that day…” she trailed, still wondering what kind of
repercussions would result because of this.
“I never knew about that.
Why would he say such things?”
“I dunno.” She replied, her
voice low, trailing off with each word. She really did like him. Was probably
using Irvine as filler the whole time. Until the time was right? No. Until she
got tired of him? No.
It was probably that she
never thought Irvine would truly want to be with her. And once he realized
that, she would go to Zell. That’s what she was probably thinking all along.
Wait until the time was right to be with whom she was destined for. But it was
all so disconcerting. Whenever she thought back to that night, it always seemed
to be disconcerting.
Was it wrong to think that
way about Zell? Use him as a backup plan? Probably not, but, what else could
she do? When Irvine asked her to be with him, no one had ever asked her
out like that. Ever. She didn’t know how to respond. She certainly didn’t want
to hurt his feelings. So she said “Yes”.
“I think we should really
find out what’s going on with Zell. This might really crush him.” Rinoa said.
But her words were just an echo by that time. Nothing more than a shell making
noise to Selphie. She probably hurt Zell more than she’ll ever know. The one
person she truly cared about. That she, seemingly loved.
It wasn't difficult at all.
I just pulled the trigger. The trigger was pretty easy to tug, nothing hard at
all. I just pulled back and BAM! It was over. It was a bit messy, I will give
that to you, but it never is any different.
Once I pulled, and felt
that cock jack back in my hand, that's when the melodies began to run around my
head. The songs I heard before, they come screaming back to me like some crazy
banshee. That's what happened again here. When I pulled.
Anything heavy is played,
anything with guitars. Heavy guitars and a drumbeat that won't quit. I like the
sounds they make, the guitars and drums. They never miss a beat and keep me
It was a bit funny how she
looked the whole while. She was crying, face wet and dripping with
perspiration. Her black hair stuck to her face some and she struggled to
breathe, the excitement being too much, I guess. She said some funny things,
like I shouldn't do such a thing. What I was thinking of doing to her was
Like what we've been doing
for the past years isn't? Like we have reason to do the things we do for some
quick cash? I don't want to live this kind of life. It ain't fit for a human
being. It ain't even fit for a lame canine.
I didn’t want to do it to
her. I always liked her. But she walked right in on me. Couldn’t let her run off
like some scared little girl. So, I solved two problems at once. Relived her of
this life and silenced her all at once. You understand, don’t you? She’s a
witch anyway, and she might go all evil on us later on.
So I pulled. Makes sense to
you now? That's why I pulled.
Effort #2: Success.
He mechanically walked down
the long hallway, passing SeeD students who all looked alike to him. Some
walked the halls with pride, others with gladness for being there, living a
life to protect people. He saw young girls, maybe not even fourteen years of
age smiling talking to their friends about whatever inane thing girls talked
about at that age. And he felt sorry for all of them.
Pity that they wouldn’t
live to have a normal life that kids should have. A life where there were no
disasters. No emergencies. A life where they could be with the ones they loved.
Be with that special someone.
And that’s when that sorrow
turned into anger. Because he knew that they would experience all those things
and much more. Their lives would be ones with fulfillment to some extent. Much
more than his felt like at the moment.
No, he didn’t feel sorry
for those kids. He was feeling sorry for himself.
Zell wasn’t in the hottest
mood that day. Hadn’t been for quiet sometime. Since that day, maybe? The day
that he was shot down by the one girl whom he thought was incapable of doing
such a thing?
He dreaded for weeks before
he asked her, staying up late into the night wondering how he should go about
it. Trying to come up with the best way to ask her. He scribbled down his
script, various forms and versions that would best suit the situation. He never
knew that the urge would come up at such an unexpectant time. Especially after
winning that contest.
But she was so radiant that
night. She sported a light blue pullover shirt that matched her cut off jean
shorts. Her shoes were nothing spectacular, some simple flip flops, but by gods
she looked amazing to him. Every time Zell saw her, her beauty became greater
and greater in his eyes. She was even more fun than she could have ever been,
and she always seemed to have a flair for making others feel worth something.
As he did when he was
He needed to ask her. And
he was sure that she would be his. Oh, he had his doubts before, thinking that
Irvine was also interested in her. Irvine became to be a pretty good buddy to
Zell and he didn’t want anything to come between the two of them. So he made
certain things would be cool.
“What’s up with you and
Selphie?” he remembered asking.
The cowboy just gave him an inquisitive look and asked what he meant.
“Like, are you two, ya
know. Going out?”
He smiled at that remark,
continuing to polish his shotgun. “Nope. Can’t say that I am.”
“So, nothings going on?”
“Nothing.” He replied,
And that was that. And then
come to find out that he was going with her. It couldn’t have been longer than
three days since Zell asked Irvine that thing. So what did that mean? Did he
get the idea Zell was thinking about her? That he wanted her, too? So he just
took her like that?
Zell continued to sigh as
he walked down the corridor, still confused and sadden by the whole situation.
Staring at the floor, the clean reflective surfaced shone back his beguiling
expression, that same look he’d been carrying for years. Happy, carefree, no
pain, no hurt. No sorrow. Nothing negative.
A few SeeD students he
passed waved and shouted out his name. He gave them a respectful smile and
They like you. Why
doesn’t she? He would question
She probably did and
you just took too long. Another
voice would interject and say.
He wanted to tell her for
the longest. It wasn’t like he was avoiding it or anything. In his mind, the
time was never right. So why force it? Asking that question, he always came to
the conclusion that he shouldn’t. So he didn’t.
The library chick was cool.
He thought she would be the one for him. But, after he finished making up
reasons to go to the library, noticing her, the way she handled things, he just
didn’t think she could compare to Selphie.
That’s how most of the girls he considered were viewed in his eyes. They all
were compared to Selphie.
She doesn’t smile like her.
She doesn’t wear her hair like her.
She doesn’t care for parties.
She wouldn’t like to just
They were all compared to
her in the tinniest fashion that way, stopping him from trying a awful lot.
Zell Dincht. People thought he was less complicating than this. A lot less.
Zell finally reached his
room, exhausted from the teaching he’d been doing lately. He slipped the key
card through the security slot as his door slid open with a slight hiss.
Stepping in, door closing behind him, he took off his black sweatshirt and
tossed it on the floor, walking over to his bed before collapsing on it.
After Ultimecia’s defeat,
him, Quistis, and Irvine were upped to teaching status quickly. Knowledge in
fighting the sorceress and the input they could provide was something not even
a textbook could offer. They all accepted the positions and began their
assignments immediately. Zell, though, didn’t realize what hard work was
involved. He even forgot how hard some students could be to teach. Remembering
how rambunctious he was should have reminded him enough.
As he lay there for a
while, trying to figure out a way to get over her, a beep came from his door.
Pushing a button on his desk, the door slid open with Squall on the other side.
Sitting up, Zell smiled some and said, “Hey man. What are you doing here? The
students haven’t been complaining again, have they?”
emotionless, staring at Zell through dejected eyes the whole while. This was a
very painful thing for him to do. Something he loathed for a while. But he
couldn’t put it off any longer. The excuses were not even worth mentioning. He
stepped through the door and walked a few paces before stopping. Zell’s smile
soon disappeared as he noticed Squall’s solemn look. He wasn’t mad at him, as
far as he could tell. But he wasn’t... He didn’t know what it was.
“Are you okay, Squall?”
Zell asked, worried that whatever it was he wasn’t going to like it.
Squall was no good at these
type of things. He only handed him the piece of paper that he had concealed
behind his back the whole while and turned to leave. After he got on the other
side of the door again, Squall turned his head so Zell could hear him mumble
the few words he spoke.
“I’m… sorry….” And that was
all before he walked away.
Zell sat there, still
confused at what this was all about. He leant over his bed and pressed the
button again on his desk to close the door and propped himself up to look at
the paper Squall left him. Unfolding the it, he knew it to be the weekly SeeD
reports. Reading it, he couldn’t believe what it said.
Mission Report #2893
Mission: Apprehend Escaped Convict Assumed to be in Balamb
Success Rate: High
Yinne Tang: Returned, no injuries
Richard Lardly: Returned, no injuries
Gil Received: 1500
Notes: Three (3) civilian casualties resulted as SeeD
members tried to apprehend the criminal. Criminal killed the following people
Smith James Lootin
Emily Dincht. Emily
Dincht? My mom???
There he was, sitting
behind his desk looking all important like he always does. All those papers
filtering around his desk. He's a big man. He has important work that must be
done. He has to assign, assign, assign. There's many people to murder, ya know?
He looked a bit surprised
to see me when he finally decided to look up. I think he said something to me.
I don't really remember or care though. I smiled as I held up the gun.
That's when I realized that
I forgot to clean the blood off it before after letting her have it, the fresh
blood still dripping off it so. So smooth and like... unreal.
He acted surprised. Can you
believe it?! The little fagot acted surprised. Why wouldn't I do this, eh? It's
his fault she's dead. His fault my only family member is now gone.
He had to pay, you
understand these things. But more than anything, he needed to leave this kind
of life. He needed better.
I pulled the trigger. It
wasn't too bad this time. The shock of the cock wasn't that great, so I decided
I'd pull again. Both shots were great, connecting with his head and the right
side of his chest. He just slouched in his chair like a big ol' stinky man.
Relief Effort #3:
My mom was dead because of
him. I had to pull the trigger, you understand? I had to pull.
She seemed to be some sort
of prize, an unattainable reward for all his hard work. No other person did he have feelings like
this for in his life. He loved her and only wanted to be with her. For her to
want to love him too was one of his greatest wishes. To try and achieve this
was the only thing he sought.
She was Selphie Tilmitt.
The only one that cared for
him. The only one that looked out for him. Wished for no harm to befall him,
though she knew him to find trouble. The last one to give up and the first one
to offer support. She was the one to push him onward, hoping that his life would
be a full one. She loved him as if he was her own son.
She was Emily Dincht.
The two women in Zell’s
life was snatched away with such ferocity in such a short while that even he
couldn’t believe it. He’d walked in a daze for weeks now, wondering if he really
said the thing to Selphie. If she had really told him she was with him.
And it was so true. It burned and hurt so much because of that.
And then the one woman that
cared for him constantly. That person that made Zell feel appreciative of who
he was, making him the happy, eager young fellow he turned out to be. His
mother. Adoptive, it was true. But she was more motherly than anyone could have
ever been to him.
And she was gone. She was taken away from him. Just like Irvine took Selphie
away from him.
Tears continued to streak
down the sides of his face as he continued staring at the paper, thinking that
it wasn’t true. Thinking that it was all a lie. This was a cruel joke if Squall
was playing with him. A cruel joke.
But Squall rarely joked.
And wouldn’t do so with something this serious. This grave. He continued to
replay the image of Squall handing the paper to him, the solemn look. The empty
expression his eyes had, as they tried to avoid his.
It was no joke and she was
gone. More things taken from him.
And this made him angrier than ever. How dare Squall treat her like this?! His
thoughts screamed. Like she was just another report victim! Not even enough
balls to tell me. To comfort me...
His thoughts were a jumble
from there as images of his mom were mixed with images of Selphie, Irvine, and
Seifer. They swam through his head, trying to be as indistinct as they possibly
could.. He didn’t know why he would pop in his mind, Seifer. But he was
laughing the whole while. Mocking him.
Laughing and mocking.
And he hated it all and
realized what it was that he hated most of all. It all made sense to him.
It was all Garden’s fault.
His mom died because of Garden. Garden introduced him to Selphie and then
wouldn’t allow him the pleasure to be with her. Garden took his mom away.
Garden was evil, as worse as the witches. It was all Garden’s fault.
He walked over to his
closet, the paper long since been discarded and thrown about the room, and
found something to wear. He needed to clear his head. Think about this some
more. Try to make some reason out of all this. He… he didn’t really know what
to think at the moment. And he didn’t feel like thinking.
You kill the queen bee and
the workers don't know what to do. Kinda like looping off a chicken’s head.
It'll just run around trying to figure out what it's there for. Trying to
figure out what to do with itself. And of course there is nothing that can be
done. Nothing but for me to clean up the mess.
And these SeeDs need some
serious cleaning to be done. Squall was gone and I thought this would make
things a lot easier.
I walked to the Quad. There
were so many kids walking around, thinking that this profession... no, this
murderous life was all fine and dandy. Like this was the way people should
I saw a kid off to the side
reading SeeDs Growing In This Garden. I remember that book. They have
you read it, trying to help you understand your position in the world and why
it's important for you to be a SeeD. The whole meaning of it all.
And it's just following up
on all the lies they fed you as you grow up here. All lies and no truths.
Truths that those you love are the ones who get hurt the most, not you. Truths
that no matter what, you should kill and kill as long as "peace"
ensues. Truths that you do loose something when you become a SeeD. Apart of
your soul leaves you. Moral codes escape you and you degrade into something
worse than you ever imagine.
It's a sad thing. And I
hate it. What I've become. I hate it so much.
He needed quick relief, I
gathered, and I went to him first. I raised my gun, and shot. The bullet lodged
itself in his head and he was no more, blood spewing from his head signaling
Relief Effort #4:
That's when people began to
scream and panic. They scattered faster than wildfire, but I still got some.
One in the back; one in the leg, followed by a shot to the head; one in the
head; one in the chest.
Relief Effort #5, #6,
#7, #8: Success.
But that was no good. I
couldn't get them all. I realized that a bit too late. I was running out of
bullets as well. I forgot all about the guards as they ran towards me. Plus
that same song began playing in my head once more. That music that wouldn't
stop and that became louder and louder.
And that's when I heard the
voices along with the music sing along.
"Bullets to the brain,
Can't really complain.
Look at them dead,
Look at them dressed in
Some pain is released,
But not enough for my soul
to be appeased."
It made me laugh a bit.
This song in my head. This song that had a vague meaning in my head. I wanted
to free people from their tragic upbringings. I needed them to know that there
was more to life than what they would ever see. This was the best way, I
believed though others seemed to think otherwise.
That's why I pulled. I
needed these ones to live a life that wouldn't cause them that much pain. That
much suffering. This was the best way, you see? It's not difficult to
understand at all.
I was able to relieve a few
more before they got me.
Relief Effort #9, #10,
#11, #12, #13: Success
But at least I freed the
few I got. I even helped relieved one of the guards as they tackled me.
Relief Effort #14:
I just regret not being
able to relieve more, you understand?
The Quad was bustling with
students who were totally clueless, Zell concluded as he observed them from the
second level. Totally clueless that the Garden was going to destroy something
precious to them. Something great to them and they would feel helpless. They
wouldn’t know how to handle it. How to deal with it when it happens. And
they’ll be shocked to find out that Garden doesn’t care.
No one cares.
Squall was out of line. He
should have tried to comfort me at the very least. And Seifer calls me a
Zell wore nothing but a
pleasant expression wherever he went. He was happy, felt good about himself and
his accomplishments. But it was all slipping away as soon as his feelings for
Selphie intensified. Soon after that night with Selphie, Zell forced that same
expression to stay put. It was hard, but he managed.
The news of his mom was too much, though. He couldn’t keep his inner feelings
hidden any longer. No longer could he hold on to that smile he wore for so
long. A frown furrowed it’s way on his forehead that wouldn’t leave as his grip
on the railing tightened.
It wasn’t fair and he
wanted to rectify this mistake. And his thoughts continued to come swirling
back to that same central thought. The Garden. The Garden. This Garden needs to
go. It needs to be destroyed.
What a thought, though and
he couldn’t believe that he was thinking it. He let go of the rail and started
walking, stuffing his hands in his pockets and staring at the ground, looking
at his expression once more. The one that was so apparent and obvious as to how
he felt inside.
Destroy the Garden? But
it brought me to meet so many new friends, he tried to reason.
And who’s here to
comfort you of your loss? A voice
But, if it weren’t for
the Garden, I would have never met Selphie, he again tried to rationalize.
…who doesn’t want
you. Garden showed you a prize you had no chance of obtaining. The voice snapped back.
But… and he couldn’t make a defense for that somewhat
And guess who took
her away from you? Irvine. Whom the Garden also introduced you to. The voice spoke with more assurance.
Disappointment loomed over
him as that thought sank in his head once more.
And your mom is dead
because of the Garden. Your mom is dead and your “best friend” Squall didn’t seem
to care. It spoke, a smile it would have held if it possessed
a body. He didn’t care and the Garden doesn’t care.
Anger surged up within Zell
as he stopped and thought about that. Thought about how true those words
seemed. It was all so true. So true it hurt. Through tears and rage, Zell
slammed his fist into the wall, his inner pain masking the physical pain he
should have suffered as small drops of blood dotted his knuckles.
This pain needed to be
released. This Garden. This façade of helping people was sickening him and he
wanted it to go away. Wanted those kids to stop living lies. Stop the lies all
He looked at the door tag he stood in front of.
A small smile crept to the
side of his mouth.
“Of course,” he whispered.
“Why wouldn’t I stop here?” noting the irony. The one man he wished would go
away, here his troubled thoughts ended up leading him. To his very room. And
then all his thoughts seemed to mesh and blend together to form one deliciously
somewhat evil idea.
He stooped down to the
control panel and undid the hinges of it to get to a control panel that all the
doors to the Garden possessed. Zell was no tech genius, but he locked his
keycard in his room more than once before be became a SeeD. He didn’t realize
how easy it was to break into a room, and was going to inform Squall to make
the security tighter, but always forgot to do so. Absentmindedness was his
After making a few more
changes, the door slid open. Pleased, Zell walked in, not even caring if anyone
else saw what he was doing. He scanned the room and wondered where he might
have kept it. Nothing on the walls or under the bed, so he went to the closet
and pushed aside some clothes and that same coat Irvine always wore and saw it.
Glimmering, it seemed, by the few rays of light the halogen bulbs produced.
Why do you look so surprised, Quis? So shocked I could do something like this?
C’mon. You know as well as I do that this life... this life we call SeeD. It
isn’t fit for us kids. We shouldn’t be doing this just for a quick buck.
They raise us to be killers, Quis. To go around and kill others for money in
the façade of calling it protecting people can’t be good. It can’t be, and I
don’t think I’m the first one to realize that.
I don’t know when it was
that I realized exactly that what we were doing was wrong. Was a bit misplaced
in it’s thinking. The thought of hiring mercenaries, them walking around like
everything is normal. This isn’t the way the world is, Quis. Not until the
Sorceress arrived did Garden’s really take flight. But that’s all over now.
Sure if nations and cities have their problems they can turn to the public
authorities. But not us. I never knew having a license to kill was so easy to
obtain nowadays, Quis. This shouldn’t be.
Don’t go on and say that my mom’s death was the reason for me doing this, cause
it’s not. It helped my cause a bit more, but it’s not the sole reason. It’s the
right thing to do, is all.
Of course I realize that
there are more Gardens than this one. Sure. But you gotta start somewhere,
right? Might as well start with the most popular one. I’ll get to the rest
eventually. Maybe find a way to bomb the places. That’s a real quick end to
these... cadets misery.
So why don’t you release
me, huh? Get me out of these ropes and such. I have a few more people to
relieve of their eternal blind misery. C’mon Quis.
Who told you about that?
Told you about Selphie?
Yeah… I love her. I love
her to death. And no, her rejecting me isn’t why I did it. Garden… is all…
Don’t say that! You don’t
know anything! You don’t know about anything! My mom and Selphie have nothing
to do with what I did. Nothing!
I hate being alone.
Hate what the Garden’s made me. Hate what Irvine did to me. Lied to me. Said
that he wasn’t with her. Wasn’t going to be with her. Hate how the Garden
killed my mom. Hate how the Garden introduced me to a wonderful girl that I
love and care for, but won’t allow me the satisfaction of being with her. I
hate it all.
when I took the gun in my hands, I knew what I had to do. I wanted to end all
the things that caused me so much suffering. I wanted it to all go away like
ice melting away on a hot, hazy day. I wanted to dissolve myself from it’s misery.
are you happy now? I wanted to free myself from this mess.
you go. The thoughts and feelings I felt Zell had for Selphie blown wide open.
I always thought that he felt worthless and helpless half the time so I also
presented those thoughts and feelings here. Hope you enjoyed and please send
any thoughts or comments my way. Thanks.