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Jerry Springer FF8 Style
by Crack-Anne

Hi! I'm Laguna!

... Well, maybe not. I'm just some bum in the audience. More about that later. But it makes this story much, much easier If you assume I'm Laguna. 'Cause then the author wouldn't have to write in detail who I was if I wasn't Laguna Loire.

But noooooooo, the author couldn't be stuffed. Meanie.

Which is why I am now supposeably Laguna.

Stupid lazy author - whaa? Oh... I'm supposed to act like Laguna..? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I knew that.

So anyway, I, Laguna Loire, am, or was sitting in the audience of Jerry Springer episode #201 - Season 6. Why, you ask? And what the crap has that got to do with Final Fantasy VIII, apart from which I am supposeably Laguna Loire thanks to plot devices???

Today's ep is Final Fantasy VIII style. Goddam them little punks on this ultimately CRAP show... running around, screeching at each other, punching, screaming, kicking, etc, killing, even? Oh yes, did I mention the flashing of female chests? No? Okay. Sooooo... I'm here because of 'plot devices, Mr. Baggins, plot devices'. (Quote, The One Ring To Rule them All, LegendaryFrog, 2000-and-something) Yes. It's a crap show alright.


Getting bored ALREADY!? SCREW YOU!!! Oh... right. On with the story then!!!!


The crowd were chanting what could have been incomprehensible words, but were actuallt the war-cry of the audience, thirsting the beginning of the ultimately CRAP show, Jerry Springer. The chant "JE-RRY! JE-RRY! JE-RRY! JE-RRY!" echoed around the filming room as if it were sports day again in the local high school's gym, echoing repeatedly to create a very annoying and... well... umm... annoying... scene setting thingy. Another one of my weapons in my arsenal of 'Plot Devices' in my weapons belt. *cough*

"Welcome to today's episode of Jerry Springer! Today we're doing it Final Fantasy VIII style!" Jerry announced, flashing a cheesy grin around the room.

A cheer arose from the mindless audience.

"We have as our guests, Cid Kramer, Headmaster of Balamb Garden!" he continued.

The room fell silent... well... apart from me. I was busy hurling abuse at Jerry. But he didn't seem to notice...

"Sorceress Edea!" he said, slightly fearfully.

The audience screamed collectively as Edea walked in, looking slightly more normal than usual, what with that giant fan thing and excessive makeup. Still, the audience were freaked out. Majorly.

Edea looked around the room, slightly hurt.

"And finally, Squall Leonhart, Commander of Balamb Garden!" He gestured to Squall, walking through the stage doors, a frown fixed on his face.

"I love you Squall!!!" came the voice of a random female in the audience.

Squall rolled his eyes, and frowned even more.

Jerry motioned for them to sit down, which they promptly did. Edea and Cid sat crammed next to each other on one small seat, looking slightly uncomfortalbe, and fearful of the audience, all looking like they had just been forced to eat Malboro tentacles.

Squall was in a seperate seat, not looking particularly happy.

Jerry sat on a large couch, expression that of a cat who has just caught a couple of mice.

"So, Headmaster. We heard your wife was Edea, the sorceress," Squall said uncomfortably.

"Yes, yes!" Jerry butted in, vindictively. "And SeeDs, which you are Headmaster of, trained to KILL the sorceress?"

Annoyed, Edea interrupted, "I have a name, you know."

"Shut up." came the reply of Jerry.

"To answer your question... No way!" cried Cid.

Jerry grinned evilly. "Bring in the next guest!' he yelled at the door.

Xu walked in, a small file of papers in hand, flanked by a SeeD and a security guard.

Cid was surprised. We could all tell, his eyes were wide open, as was his mouth. Edea looked at him strangely.

Xu sat next to Jerry on the couch and smiled at the cameras.

Jerry continued. "Xu, what have you got in those files?"

Xu looked apologetically at Cid. "I hav-"

She was interrupted by Cid, who screamed, "NOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! SHE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES!"

"I have a..." She lowered her voice. "SeeD copyright, which is owned by-"

An infuriated Jerry yelled "WRONG PAPERS!!! Bring in Nida!"

Nida walked in through the stage doors, Xu blushing with shame. Nida looked around, and seeing the only spare seat was next to Xu, sat down next to each oher, and both blushed heavily.

"So Nida, what have you got?" Jerry inquired.

Jerry lowered his voice. "You have got the marriage papers, haven't you?" he whispered.

Nida looked at him strangely, and whispered back, "What marriage papers?"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed.

Nida giggled inanely, and said, "Just tricking! Of course I have the papers."

Jerry sighed in relief as Squall sighed in disgust.

"Here they are... a marriage certificate!" Jerry announced, smiling a slow, evil smile.

"Uhhhhh... I forgot we were married..?" Cid tried, and failed to look sincere.

The audience booed loudly.

"Yes, it's true... we're... married," confessed Edea.

"Whoa! Shocking revelation, folks!!!" cried Jerry. "This oughta spice things up a little!"

"Eww..." said Xu.

Jerry rolled his eyes, and continued. "So, it's true that you are married... Edea is a sorceress, correct?" He didn't wait for an answer. "And SeeDs are trained to KILL the sorceress, true?"

"Yes..." answered Cid.

"SO YOU'RE TRAINING SEEDS TO KILL YOUR WIFE???" he asked, loudly, as if it was the revelation of the century. Wow.

"NO!!!" yelled Cid, shocked out of his mind.

"I was possesed!" Unable to contain herself, Edea screamed.

"Whoa! Another shocking revelation!" Jerry said enthusiasticaaly, yet sarcasm tracing his voice. "Will the surprises ever end?"

"I sure hope so..." mumbled Squall sarcastically.

"So... you were...possessed... by who... or what?" asked Jerry, somewhat sarcastically and unbelieving.

"A sorceress from the future... Ultimecia. She's using me as an extension in the present to kompress time," Edea explained to the audience.

Squall sat up straighter. "Another sorceress? Damn. Well, I'm off."

Squall got up from his seat, with a look of that who has been saved from eternal damnation, drew his gunblade, and began to rush off through the stage doors.

Pity though, for him, for he was stopped by a combination of security and Jerry.

"Not just yet," Jerry almost snarled. "Get your ass back on this seat, and WAIT FOR THE END OF THE SHOW."

Not really intimidated, but seeing the eyes of approximately 200 people in an audience, one of which was a superior at Balamb Garden, not to mention this show would be beamed around the globe for all to see, he sat back down, a mix of pout and glare plastered across his angry face.

"Anyway, to continue," he said, "Edea, you were... possessed... correct?"

"Yes," Edea agreed.

"You're all maniacs... I am so outta here!" Jerry said disbelieveingliy, and got up from his chair, arousing a chorus of boos from tha audience, and a look of pure venom from Squall, drawing his gunblade.

"Not yet, Jerry," he snarled.

Jerry was extremely surprised and scared. "Man! Don't kill me!", he said fearfully, eyes trained on the gunblade glinting in the strong stage lights. The gunblade was finely polished, Griever insignia engraved on the side, and as Jerry stared at it, he looked a LOT like he thought it wouldn't be too healthy having his face skewered on that gunblade, blood streaming down the solid enhanced-steel blade. Okay... fine. I'll spare you the gory details, summarised into one four-letter word.


Anyway, he proceeded to sit back down fearing for his life. Squall put his gunblade back, and Jerry breathed a sigh of relief.

Squall finally dared to ask the question that had long bugged him since the attack on Galbadia Garden. "Hey Cid, why did you leave us before our battle with Galbadia Garden?" he asked, curious.

Jerry butted in. "Yes, why did you? You knew that your SeeDs were in for the battle of their lives, which would have potentially killed them? What do our next guests think of that??? Bring 'em in!"

And with that, the stage doors swung open, and Zell, Selphie, Irvine, Quistis and Seifer entered.

Seifer spoke first. "Oh Hyne, one Chicken-Wuss was bad enough at Garden... now two?"

Cid glared at Seifer, as Squall leapt up. "SEIFER??? YOU'RE STILL ALIVE??? I'LL KILL YOU!!!" he yelled.

"Let's go, Puberty Boy" Seifer smirked.

"Make that Commander Puberty, you bastard," retaliated Squall, drawing his gunblade for what could be the fiftieth time in this episode. Alas, they went offstage, slashing at each other with their gunblades, and making very violent noises.

Once again... ouch.

"Ignore them," said Jerry uncertainly.

Irvine smiled. "Hey, ladies!" he said in an attempt to be seductive. Which he did not pull of well at all, and Selphie slapped him in the face. Hard.

Jerry rolled his eyes. "Get outta here, you freak," he said condescendingly and meanly.

Irvine retaliated. "I'm fine right here with the ladies, thank you very much."

Selphie slapped him in the face again, making his face very red-looking indeed.

By now, Quistis, like Squall (still making violent noises dueling Seifer) was getting quite tired of all the commotion and sheer stupidity, so she got off her seat, and proceeded to say, "This is stupid. I'm outta here."

And with that, she left.

"Ahh well... no big loss..." Jerry sighed.

Quistis, oftage, yelled "HEY!!!"

Jerry, quite pissed off indeed, said "To the point already! Cid, why did you leave your SeeDs? Are you a traitor? Or a chicken?"

Zell jeered. "Yeah! Chicken-Wuss!!!" "C'mon guys! What about love? And peace?' Selphie asked.

Everyone in the room rolled their eyes, apart from Selphie herself.

"Selph... Are you a hippie or something?" asked Rinoa.

Selphie smacked Rinoa across her face.

Cid was stuttering and mumbling. "I... ahh..." Jerry sighed. "Oh boy..."

Seifer and Squall chose that moment to re-enter. Crucial difference - both were scarred twice now across the forehead, making an 'X' across their foreheads.

Rinoa was horrified. "Squally! What happened?" she shrieked.

"X marks the spot, apparently," quoted Irvine.

Together, Squall and Seifer yelled "Shut up, cowboy!"

Jeery sighed for the sake of his show. "Someone get the two a Band-Aid each!" he yelled to the side stage.

"Cheapskate," Irvine said sardonically.

Annoyed, Jerry called Irvine a "Freak."

Cid kept at it. "Um... I-I-I..."

Jerry blew it. "FOR GOD'S SA-"

He was interrupted by a voiceover. "Jerry, FF8 style. You say Hyne, not God." Jerry, EXTREMELY pissed off, screamed "FINE! OH FOR HYNE'S SAKE, WHY DID YOU LEAVE CID???"

"Well," Cid began but was interrupted by Edea, shaking her head, and saying "I married a Chicken-Wuss."

"Shut up, dear," replied Cid. "Anyway, I left because I couldn't bear to see either my wife or my SeeDs killed in battle. It'd destroy me." he finished.

Annoyed, Edea yelled "Your SeeDs? YOUR SEEDS? I CREATED THE CONCEPT, DAMMIT!!!"

"Ha... I own the copyright, though," said Cid smugly.

Edea was enraged. "SCREW YOU, DEAR!!!!!!" she screamed to the ceiling.

I couldn't stand it any more. I yelled "Screw YOU, Sorceress!", throwing a brick straight at Edea with deadly force and aim. Edea kept her cool, though. Her comment was "Uh oh..." as she pulled up a blue-tinted shield, much like as in her assasination attempt. I was shocked. Shocked, I tell you. And a bit fearful for my life, too. The words "Oh, shit..." came out my mouth as I stared at a pissed-off Edea.

i think she was repossessed or somewthing, 'cos a really freaky gold color flared up in her eyes, and she started speaking in a really scary accent. Not 'RAAAAR!!!' scary, but really weird 'I like your turtleshell from Mario Land' scary.


She raised one of her arms, and a blue icicle was summoned above her hand. Being the bitch she was, she shot it right at me! Just 'cos I tried to kill her with a brick!!! Meanie!!!

Anyway, it hit me in the heart, and I gasped. The audience screamed, and bloody hell, it was LOUD!!!

Edea, Ultimecia, whatever, she turned to Jerry, and looked at him funny.

Cid sighed, and said, "Here we go again..."

--- END ---

Author's Note: Hi everyone! First off, thanks for reading this! Please review! I wrote this because of the but when Squall thinks 'Cid and Edea are married..? What a suprise.' Or something to that degree. So I thought that would be perfect for a crappy show like Jerry Springer. I also got inspiration from a bloopers file. And a story called Selphie Springer. I forgotted who wrote them, but if they read this, thanks, and I liked the bloopers thing lots!!! ^^ Oh yes... I do not own Square or any related paraphenalia or characters or trademarks.

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