by Chris S. Horn with contributions from Jon Hellstrand and Davies Green
Based off of Parasite
Eve a game by Square Soft, and Parasite Steve, a very,
very short story by Davies Green.
It was a normal enough day at the
17th precinct of the New York Police Department.
Detective Aya Brea had just accepted an invitation to a date at
Carnegie Hall by Sean Pointer, a general annoyance around the
station. He was constantly harassing the officers because he
always wanted his way. He was the son of a very rich man in New
York, and thus thought he was the most important person in the
city. He had been asking many of the female officers out on dates
for months now, to no avail. However, sick of hearing him
complain Aya finally agreed to go with him.
It seemed that Sean had asked Aya
for the pleasure of the evening more than any other officer.
There was no doubt why, either. She was quite a looker, with
blonde hair and blue eyes. She was rather shapely, as well.
However, she was also quite a tough cop, always getting the job
done. Though only on the force for some six months, she was known
as one of the harshest officers in the precinct.
"Man, Aya." Said Dollis,
Ayas partner, coming into the room. "I cant
believe that you actually accepted that slimes proposal."
Daniel Dollis had been Ayas
partner since she signed on to the force, though he was on the
force for about 20 years before that. His nickname was
"Bo," though it seemed that no one ever called him
that, and that it is mentioned for no apparent reason. He was,
apparently, a little older than Aya, but was still the same rank.
He was in is mid-to-late fortys, and was in fairly good
shape. He was of African-American decent, though he acted like a
New Yorker, which he had been, all of his life. His son, Ben,
lived with him, not his ex-wife Lorraine, who also seems to be a
completely inconsequential character.
"Well, someone has to shut
him up." Replied Aya, looking up from her work.
"I dont see why it has
to be you." Dollis shot back. "You know, there are a
lot of female cops downstairs, who have absolutely no relation to
the plot which he could be dating."
"I dunno what I just said, or
how it made sense, but that little cat told me it did."
"The little cat?"
The department had picked up a
little white cat on the streets. They thought they could help it
find its home. When they got it to the Police department,
they discovered that it had pink wings, a yellow antenna, and a
big pink nose. They also discovered that it could talk, and it
said its name was Mog. Of course, they didnt believe it,
because cats cant talk.
"You know youre not
supposed to listen to the cat." Aya said. "Its a
"Yeah, I know." Said
Dollis. "But Ben loves it so much."
Just then, the cat, Mog, walked
into the room; on its hind legs.
"Hey, doesnt anyone
ever feed the animals around here?" Mog said. "Them
dogs are growling at me."
"Get back on all fours and
stop talking, cat." One of the officers said.
"Youre a cat, and cant talk or walk on your hind
legs. Especially until we give you a name."
"My name is Mog!" Mog
shot back. "And wheres Edgar. I wanna complain."
"Who is this Edgar, lying
cat?" Dollis asked.
"You know, the king of
Figaro. Hes got to show up, this Fanfic is written by Chris
Horn. All Final Fantasy characters gotta show up. The chapters
have also got to be really short. In fact, this one is probably
almost over. Its just the way it works."
"What?" Dollis asked.
"Im getting out of
here, its too weird here. I guess Ill go get dressed
for my date tonight." Aya said, leaving the station.
"Well, arent you happy
that you went with me tonight?" Sean asked, helping Aya out
of the car.
Sean wasnt a bad looking
man; he just had the feel of a spoiled brat. Which he was. To a
great extent. He was handsome, and could easily get a date. That
is, if the woman wasnt a complete moron. He had money,
which was enough to get him through life, just not get him a
date. Which he had now. And he was happy.
"Well, arent you?"
course." Aya said, climbing out of the car.
"I got my dad to get us some
good tickets for this."
"Oh." Aya said, starting
to realize the situation she was in.
"Didnt you say you
wanted to go to this opera?"
"Of course, Im just
preoccupied." Aya said.
They walked into Carnegie Hall in
silence, and took their seats. Sean kept looking at Aya and
smiling, and she would smile back, reluctantly. There were four
men on the stage. Three were in Shakespearean outfits, looking
ready for their parts. The fourth was in a barcalounger, in blue
jeans and a white T-shirt, with his beer gut sticking out. He had
dis-shelved hair and unendless beard stubble. Most people in the
audience were talking about the strange man. He didnt look
at the audience at all before the play.
starting" Sean said, as the lights dimmed. Aya couldnt
help but think about how obvious that statement was, and that the
man was utterly annoying.
The actors said a few lines about
how the man in the chair was some sort of witch. Or warlock. They
couldnt quite make up their mind. After a few lines, and
one of the characters threatening to give their life for the
sitting man, the man stood up, and started to sing. It was the
most excruciating sound that anyone in the theater had ever
heard. Many people held their ears, trying to block it. Aya saw
the man lock eyes with her. Thats when the sound came. The
gas had somehow
set the two men behind him on fire. The man screamed, and went
toward the most flammable thing he saw, which happened to be the
curtain. The singing man turned his back toward the audience,
which, to no surprise, hosted the biggest ominous butt crack
youve ever seen, and started making more
People in the audience started to burst into flames. Aya stood
up, shortly followed by Sean. She pulled out her pistol, and
aimed it at the stage, in the off chance that she could possible
pick off the figure from her seat, and not hit anyone else in the
way. Actually, it probably would have been easy with this
"Get out of here!" She
screamed at Sean.
"But what about
"GO!" She screamed,
bumping him out of the way with her hip, in a move that no one
would do spontaneously. She moved up to the stage in the newly
abandoned theater. She got on the stage and faced the man.
"I am Parasite Steve."
The man said.
"What?" Aya asked.
"I am Parasite Steve.
Im going to awaken your mitochondria."
"What? Who are you?" Aya
seemed more and more bewildered, asking questions that had just
"I am Parasite Steve.
Im the ruler of this world. Im surprised that you are
more freely agreeing with me, though I wont tell you
"Dont move. Youre
under arrest." Aya said, aiming her gun squarely at his
forehead. "I think we need to get you some mental help.
Maybe well just give you the cat."
"I need no help, for I am
Parasite Steve now. I took the medicine, and now I am
"The medicine?" Aya
"Beer." Steve replied.
"Ah. That explains it.
Youre coming with me, you drunkard." Aya said, pulling
out her handcuffs.
"Im no drunkard!"
Steve screamed. "Ive been drinking since I was in
grade school, but I only recently started calling it Medicine,
and thats when it turned me into Steve!"
"What was your name
before?" Aya asked, putting her guard down.
"Steve Pierce." Steve
"So you were Steve
before." Aya reasoned.
"No, before I was Steve. Now,
I am Parasite Steve!" Steve cackled.
"No, now youre
looney." Aya said. "Youre coming with me."
"NO!" Steve screamed,
and ran offstage. Aya ran after him, but by the time she got
there, all that was left was a giant hole in the ground. The
sound of police sirens could be heard.
"That must be my backup, but
theyll never come in, so I wont wait for them.
Ill just jump in." Aya said, and she jumped in the
hole, after Parasite Steve.
"For one hundred thousand
dollars, this is your first subject
Go!" said Dick
Clark, radiating from the TV in the basement. The clowns watched
the show eagerly, as if their lives depended on it. No one knew
why there were clowns in the basement. They were just there.
There was no explanation necessary. Maybe there was a circus
coming up. Yes, that must be it. Im sure there are many, many
circuses at Carnegie Hall.
Parasite Steve easily walked into
the room as the clowns eyes were glued onto Fannie Flagg,
as she gave bad clues to her partner.
"A toaster, a refrigerator,
" Fannie said, trying to get her partner to
say, "Things Youd Find in a Kitchen."
Parasite Steve saw a chance to
show his strength. He used his magical remote control powers to
change the TV to Jerry Springer. As the clowns writhed in agony,
he quickly changed the channel to Baywatch. The clowns melted,
horrified by the images of David Hasselhoff in swim trunks
glowing from their little brown tube. Parasite Steve walked
through the pile of melted clowns, and turned the TV to football.
His barcalounger magically appeared, and he watched the football
game. The strangest thing was, he had no idea how football was
played. However, as a man, he felt obligated to watch it. He
would rather be watching The $100,000 Pyramid, as the
clowns were, but that wasnt as manly as football. One thing
Parasite Steve was was manly.
Aya burst into the room as he sat
back, watching the game.
" Steve said.
"Theyre about to kick off."
"No theyre not,"
said Aya "theyre in mid-play."
Steve was taken aback. "How
do you know about football, woman! I am the powerful Parasite
Steve, a man, and should therefore know more about football than
"Sure, pal." Aya shot
back. "You just keep dreaming. I love football. I watch it
"Oh yeah?" Steve asked,
angrily. "Well, well just see about that!" Steve
left his barcalounger again, and Aya got to truly see what an
utter fat ass he was. The first thought that popped in her head
was Freakazoids Fanboy after some twenty years,
and a bad marriage. Then she decided that no human would possibly
marry that. She pulled out her gun as he pulled out his magical
remote. He turned on Baywatch immediately, no gradual change
through Springer. Aya pulled out her sunglasses, blocking the TV.
"You werent supposed to
do that!" Steve shouted. He became very agitated and ran
from the building. Aya ran after him quickly, trying to thwart
his escape attempt. She didnt need to. For once, her backup
actually helped. He was surrounded. He also wasnt about to
let that stop him. He let loose another fragrant attack against
the police, but they had fire shields. Aya caught up.
"Hold it, tubby!" She
screamed, coming out of the building. She caught her breath for a
moment and then looked at him in the face. "You know, you
run pretty fast for your size."
"Its the parasite
powers, given to me by the medicine!" He shouted in reply.
"Sure it is, Steve." Aya
replied as she moved toward him. An officer had already removed
his remote control, and had established that he had a
flame-thrower in his pants. His breath reeked of alcohol.
"How about we take you to the station, Steve." Aya
"No! You will not take
Parasite Steve to the station! Parasite Steve will remain
here!" Steve screamed, starting to refer to himself in the
third person, in an eerie Bob Doleish way. After one simple bonk
on the head with a nightstick, he fell unconscious. They then
pulled him into the patrol wagon (a harder task than it sounds)
and drove him to the station. Dollis, who arrived as one of the
backup officers, went to Aya.
"Man, I didnt think
this would already be over," Dollis said. "I mean, I
thought this would have had a little more challenge
"Yeah, I know," replied
Aya. "Were still in the first chapter."
"Theres one thing we
didnt solve in this whole thing."
"Where in the hell did that
little annoying walking cat come from?"
should book him, too."
"Good idea." Dollis
said, walking back toward their car. "Hey, rookie,
lets go out to McDonalds for celebration!"
"Celebration of what?"
"I dunno. Lets just go.
Im hungry, and hankering for a McRib."
As the two officers made their way
toward golden arches, the police wagon headed down to the
station. After sitting in the cell for nearly a month, Steve was
put in court. The results from the trial after this.
out to the kitchen, lets go out to the kitchen, lets
go out to the kitchen, and have ourselves some snacks!"
And now, a message
from the Psychic Enemies Network:
Do you want someone
to look out for around dark corners? Do you want someone to chase
you down alleys at night? Well, look no further! The Psychic
Enemies Hotline is here! Just call up the Psychic Enemies, and
give them all of your personal stats! Tell them your name, age,
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date of birth, clothes sizes, and the age and address of parents
or siblings, and theyll do all the rest! Call now to get
your first stalking for only $3.95 a minute! Do it today!
Steve Pierce, a.k.a. Parasite
Steve was sentenced to a mental institution for two years. He
will then be allowed to join his rightful place as a postal
The Basement Clowns were given the
life sentence for watching Game Show Network.
Mog was given a severe flogging
for breaking inter-dimensional treaties. Now he will be kept in a
small pet cage.