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If I said I loved you...
by nights-into-dreams

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  This story is dedicated to my friends Suzy and Katherine.  I imagine that you both know how this feels…




I'm alone with him...finally.


Why do I love this man?  He is so cold, so expressionless.  Its like…its like nothing ever seems to faze him, or bother him.  He is just like a stone, expressionless and unmovable, yet always there strong and hard-willed.


Is this how he really is, or is he just like that when I am around?


Is it because I saw his soul, saw what I thought was the real Cloud that he kept buried deep beneath the exterior, hidden away to where even he might forget that it existed?  Is he afraid I might try to hurt him?


Is he afraid that he might fall in love with me, afraid that he might forget Aeris, and the emotions that were so obvious to everyone, even me, that was beginning to occur between them?


I love him, I know that.  I knew that the day he left Niebelham to join SOLDIER.  I knew that he loved me after the night before at the well.  I was just a fool…I let him get away.


And when I saw him again, and began to get to know him again, he had fallen in love with someone else.


He never speaks about her, never shows any emotion when she is mentioned, but I can tell in his eyes that he still loves her.  That glimmer that showed up in his eyes when he was with her…


I could never compete with her.


All I can ever do is try, and try, and try harder, only to wind up second place.  Always second place in his heart, never first…not anymore.


I want to tell him what I feel…just tell him my feelings, just that I want to take his hand and walk into the future with him.  I just want to be able to look into his eyes, and see that special sort of glimmer…of happiness…there again, and know that I am the reason why it is there.


I wish…


I wish he would hold me.


I feel like we are both going to die in the crater tomorrow, I feel like that tonight might be my only chance to tell him how I feel, my last chance to win his heart, my last chance to maybe even kiss him.


But I can't.


If I do, then maybe…just maybe…no.


I have a special relationship with him now.  I cannot ask for anything more than that, no matter how much I may want otherwise.


Just this special moment…underneath the stars…


I still wish he would hold me, or say something to me sweet, or just look at me.  I wish just for one evening he could forget about her, forget about Aeris.


I know I can never be her, but do I have to be reminded about this every single time I see him, and see into his eyes?


Do I have to feel like I am about to cry every time I am with him, and he treats me coldly?


Why do I love this man, this soulless man?




Because I do.


I don't know why, but I do.


So, even if I can never have him, even if he is forever loyal to someone else, I don't care.


I have this special moment with him.




I wish time itself would stop, forever.



... Would you turn away?

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